Rough weeky

I feel like garbage.  I am praising God at this moment for creating this wonderful day called Friday, and even better giving us the amazing day of Saturday and Sunday so that I can actually get a break from this cloth covered enclosure I call my cube. 

Wednesday night I ended up going to see a cubs game.  I don’t know what it is about me and beer, but we have been getting along really well lately.  I overindulged not only Wednesday night at the Cubs game, but overindulged last night during my billiard league, which puts me where I am right now, feeling like garbage from two straight days of no sleep and hangovers. 

I just got a call from the doctor and the skin tag that was removed was malignant.  Whatever that means.  The woman from the doctor that left a message for me sounded like there was ever doubt and had the tone of being a hero for delivering news that should have made me jump from my desk and start doing cartwheels.  I wish I had the time and know how to post the audio because it is really funny to hear this woman build up the tension.  “Hi, this is Debbie from Dr. Meyers office, and we just got the results back from the pathologist where they screened it for skin cancer, melanoma, as well as other skin diseases, and you will be happy to learn that everything came back negative, so you can breath easy knowing that you are fine.” 

I guess I shouldn’t mock good news.  This message is better than getting something like this: ”Hi, this is Debbie from Dr. Meyers office and we just got the results back from the pathologist…could you give us a call back when you have a second?”  That would be scary. 

Great America day is here and I can’t wait.  Each year my company rents out Six Flags Great America for one day before it opens for the season.  I can’t even begin to imagine how much it costs for us to have the whole park to ourselves.  Once you have experienced Great America without having to wait in any lines for anything, it kind of ruins it for the rest of the year.  This will be the first year that my wife has gone with me and I’m hoping that she can hang. 

The rest of the weekend is full of balloonacy.  Saturday is full of 7 solid hours of balloon entertainment between two events, so I should beat.  www.misterd.balloonhq.com.  I’ve uploaded some new photos on that site.  I am preparing to enter the realm of balloon attire by representing the balloon industry in a fashion show in a few weekends.  I am excited because this will be my first opportunity to create wearable balloon art. 

Have a great weekend!

Filed under: Cubs, achy, balloon, beer, latex, weekend, wife

Back Biting Balloon Bitch

For not having watched but 5 minutes of college basketball this year, I have shown little discipline in restraining from entering every single NCAA March Madness pool that has been extended my way.  Bracket invitations to me are like crack rock to a dealer.  I don’t know shit, but I’ll play!  I was rather disappointed at the lack of content online by the “professionals” in regards to their picks, so this year I fear making a total fool of myself in front of friends about my lack of knowledge in regards to college basketball.  After my 8th bracket this morning, I decided that either I know too many people, or all of the people that I do know are gamblers.  I think it might also be that the word ’No’ rarely finds itself in my top 10 words of the day.  This may be stemming from the fact that I will be in Vegas for the second round of the tourney next week and it will be fun to have a vested interest in the games and getting my ass up during the day to hang out in the sportsbook. 

As my balloon business has grown my eyes have been opened to the entertainer world, and I have to say that it isn’t pretty in many respects.  I have been pondering as of late as to whether I am going to take the ball and run hard with it.  “Live the dream” as some say or if I am just going to kind of jog along and run the balloon business as a extra income hobby.  As I dig deeper and expand, some funny/ugly things within the industry are beginning to become visible to me.  I can’t reveal too much at this time for fear of being shunned by the balloon twisting community, but it would make for a great soap opera.  I have decided that when I end up making a run at it, that my first Balloon Twisting Mockumentary will be called “As the Balloon Twists” and I will shed some light on the funny shit that goes on between balloon twisters that live within a certain radius of each other. 

Here is just a taste of my most recent experience:

I am twisting balloons at Red Robin a few Tuesdays ago.  As I approach a table and introduce myself, I start asking what I might be able to twist for the cute little girl.  I ask her if she would like a flower, hat, or an animal of choice.  She replies back with “My dad knows how to twist balloons!” I look over at Dad and he smiles shyly and says that he, too is a balloon twister.  He pulls out a ziplock baggie in his pocket to show me that he is strapped with balloons as if he is showing me he has a gloc pistol in his pocket.  I laugh and asked about his twisting ability when it is explained that he used to twist 20 years ago and had recently lost his job.  Now I don’t run into twisters often and I  have met in person all of 3 other balloon twisters in my lifetime, but someone that has fallen back to twisting because he lost his job doesn’t sound like someone I want to buddy up with. The other twisters that I have missed were all disappointments as well, so I haven’t had much success in meeting other entertainers. 

I proceed to create a couple of things for the daughter.  An alien hitchhiker hat, which always wow’s them and a monkey on a palm tree for dad.  He gives me his business card and let me know that if I ever need a fill in for an event to give him a call.  ”Sure” I said as I walked away while thinking the whole time about the homemade inkjet business card that he handed me that has poor color and a few creations on it that I can’t even identify.  Someone that doesn’t even invest enough money to buy professional business cards is hardly someone that I would rely on. 

Fast forward to 4 days later.  I am emailing back and forth with another balloon twister in my neck of the woods that fills in for me when I am double booked or traveling.  I have never met her before, but in passing I tell her about some guy that came in to Red Robin.  I couldn’t remember his name.  She told me that he has been contacting her as well via email.  She confided in me that he analyzed every single thing that I had done and proceeded to send me emails where he said a bunch of negative things about me and a few compliments.  The compliments were right on, but everything negative he said were outright lies. Much of what this guy chose to share with this other twister made me out to be a retarted entertainer.  Even eluding to the fact that the manager wasn’t happy with my entertainment abilities (which is so far from the truth).  Wow.  I have a good history with this other twister and she didn’t believe anything that he had wrote which is why she forwarded all of it onto me.  I broke down his email and it was definitely good for a chuckle or two. 

I have some ammo if this guy ever crosses me again. It might be in his best interest for him to stay away from my turf or else it will be on like Donkey Kong. 

Filed under: Livin the dream, balloon, bitchy, latex, peer pressure, work

Happy Women’s History month!

I have to say that.  Happy Women’s History Month.  

My company is doing a whole slew of posters, emails, and banners celebrating this momentous occasion.  Not only looking back at the accomplishments of women in history, but also the sacrifice of the executive women that climbed the corporate ladder to the perch where they sit at this moment within our company. 

I quickly went to Google to find out when is Men’s history month, but it didn’t come up.  Black history month came up.  It’s the month before Women’s history month. 

I must be mistaken because I see nothing on Google.  Maybe it is a less obscure history month? 

With all do respect, where’s our month where we celebrate the wonderful things that men have done? 

These are some of the men that I would dedicate a month to celebrating:

The first man to invent the NFL.

The first man to imagine Tivo.

The first man to patent HD TV.

The first man to be bored enough to create a fantasy league.

Jesus Christ. (He is actually top of this list but I am too lazy to cut and paste)

The first man to snap a picture of a naked women. 

The first man who thought and cheered on his wife towards enhancing her chest. 

The first man to mix hops, barley and water to create beer. 

Captain Morgan.

The inventor of the thong. (maybe I should remember her this month if it was a she?)

Chuck Norris.

Creator of the information superhighway.

Founders of Google.

The inventor of latex for balloons. 

The inventor(s) of billiards and each inventor of the different billiard games I play. 

The inventor of the game Poker. 

Last but not least, my wife’s father.  (for obvious reasons) 

Who would you celebrate during Men’s History month?

Filed under: Captain, balloon, beer, drunk, latex, stupid, thanksgiving, wife, work

Tree shopping and puke

Today I feel sick to my stomach.  As a matter of fact, I might yack.  A girl that has been with my company for just a shade over 8 years and has to be at least a good 3 years younger than me is retiring today.  Yep, I said it.  She is retiring today.  She won’t admit it, but she is quitting at the age of 28 for no reason at all.  Her husband works here as well.  They both started here right out of college and benefitted from the sale of our company so much that she feels that there is no reason for her to work any more.   I don’t know why this bothers me so much.  Lately, the feeling of jealousy has been rearing it’s ugly head into my life on a frequent basis.  I should be happy for her, but for some reason, the thought of her being able to wake up in the morning, roll out of bed, turn on The Price is Right while eating breakfast in her “jammies” without a worry about having to pay a bill strikes the jealous nerve in me.  I have debated for a few weeks about what I might consider for New Years Resolutions this year, and I think the whole less jealous thing needs to be pretty high up on that list. 

I hate resolutions.  I never do them because I think they are stupid.  They have been ruined time after time by fatties and smokers that announce to the world that they are going to lose weight/quit smoking only to be seen by me and the rest of the world choking down enough food that would feed Beeju in South Africa for a month or toking on a cigarette while coughing out an explanation as to why they didn’t succeed in their resolution.  But this year, I will try it out.  I am still working out the details, but I want to privately note the resolutions and see if I can hit them.  I don’t plan on telling anyone I know about it for fear of others looking upon me as I break each of them 2 days after my proclimation.  Maybe this year I will aim low and gradually work my way up to a challenge. 

Wednesday night my wife and I went out to buy our Christmas Tree.  Until Jeanne and I met she had never had a real tree.  I personally believe that decorating a slaughtered tree while creating a fire hazard should be part of every household’s Christmas celebration. 

This year She and I thought it would be fun to “rough it” and actually go out and chop a tree down at a Christmas tree farm.  Nothing makes you feel more like a man than cutting down a tree…that and effectively pulling off a dutch oven on your wife… Unfortunately the craziness of Christmas hit us before we realized that she and I did not have the time to make the tree chopping down trip happen.  So we decided to buy from one of those guys that live in a trailer while selling trees.  So, on Wednesday night we bundled up, went out to dinner and then set out on our mission to find the perfect tree.  I went to the exteme to even get those little packets that chemically heat up your hands so that our hands would freeze while picking out a tree.  The funny part about the whole experience was as we pulled into the tree lot there was this one tree that completely stood out from the rest and it was honestly the largest and most beautiful Christmas tree we had ever seen.  Knowing that it was a White Pine, I told my wife that we should expect the 10′ White Pine variety to be around 80-100 bucks based on my past experiences with tree buying.  Before I was even able to step out of the car, a guy stepped out of the trailer to assist and I asked the question, “how much for the white pine?”  “$50.00″ he said, and I replied with a loud “SOLD!”  He laughed and proceeded to do everything they do to a tree while I ran into the trailer to pay for the tree.  By the time I returned to the car the guy from outside was nearly done strapping the tree to the top of our car and had moved on to comedy hour telling my wife about funny tree stories. Jeanne never even left the car once. What a deal!  Quick, friendly, cheap, and funny…all wrapped up in a 10 minute Tree shopping experience.  What a deal.  For the guys bad Christmas tree jokes and quick strapping method I gave him a nice tip and handed him my chemical hand warmer packets saying we wouldn’t be needing them.  I don’t think he was an educated fellow because he was confusded how a little packet of powder could produce something so hot. It’s Christmas magic I said and we were off with our new Beautiful tree.  Overall, a nice little tree shopping experience.  I would love to explore the lifestyle of these guys that live in a trailer for 5 weeks out of the year while selling Christmas trees, but I will do that in a later post. 

Fun weekend ahead.  Tomorrow we have Jeanne’s Masters graduation ceremony.  It just dawned on me that maybe I should buy her a gift.  Wow.  Saturday night Christmas Shopping and Sunday will be filled with Church and Football.   Hopefully I will be able to squeeze a drink in there somewhere.  This morning I went to the doctor to get a physical for the first time in over 10 years.  Funny stories are bound to happen any time you drop your drawers for another man and are told to cough. 

Have a great weekend!

Filed under: Church, Gay, fun, grouchy, latex, puke, stupid, train wreck, weird, wife, work

chilly nipple

I laughed out loud when I wrote that title because this just might be the most twisted thing I have written about.  I thought this morning about putting both of these thoughts into two seperate posts so that I do not scare the crap out of my few friends that frequent this page, but I am just going to let it rip and see what happens. 

Last night I was brushing my teeth.  I like to brush in the shower.  I have a ritual when in the shower that I won’t bore you with.  It’s borderline obsessive compulsive.  I even play this game if I am in a rush as to how fast I can get all of my little showering steps done.  Psycho, I know.  But last night, the funniest thing happened.  As I was brushing my teeth (step 12 of the 16 step shower process) (this step immediately follows the knock on the wall 19 times and comes before counting the bars of soap…) but while I was brushing a bit of the toothpaste/saliva dripped on to my left nipple. 

It burned.  In a cool weird kind of way.  Like icy hot.  For like 30 minutes.  I laughed becuase I couldn’t believe that a little toothpaste had that kind of reaction. 

I have no idea why I mentioned that on here, but just in case you ever wanted to know what would happen if you ever rubbed or dripped toothpaste on your nipples, that is it.  I bet that some people might be in to that, and if any of you are reading this and you are, I am borderline with you. 

Christmas came early for me this year.  Free porn is back in my life and in a good way.  I was going through the old mail from a week or so ago and I came across a piece from DirecTV.  It stated that since I have been a loyal subscriber, I was going to be given Cinemax for the month of December.  Having not realized this for the past week, I feel cheated and am currently debating whether I am going to call DirecTV and tell them that I didn’t see the notification letter until now and ask that they extend my free month at least one week into January.  If only my wife enjoyed the free porn as much as I do.  She would have told me about the letter immediately.  It would be neat and strange to have a wife that would come running up to me and say how happy she is that we have Cinemax again for a limited time. I know her excitedness wouldn’t be for the same reason as mine.   Since I have customized what channels appear and don’t appear, I added Cinemax to the options last night. 

Cinemax is trouble anyway.   I can’t count the number of times I would be watching a You’ve got mail or a Star Wars on Cinemax in the bedroom and fall asleep only to be awoken by my wife an hour later asking me why I was watching a show called Coed Confidential, Sin City Diaries..or Busty Models.  Nothing like getting busted for doing something that you weren’t doing in the first place. 

Ahhhh, big weekend ahead.  Tonight and tomorrow night I have Christmas Holiday parties.  Tonight it’s dressy, tomorrow it’s funny attire.  Tonight it’s open bar, tomorrow it’s bring a bottle of whatever you plan on yakking up (I will be on a voyage with the Captain most of the weekend) on Sunday morning.  Sandwiched in the middle of my 48 hour drunkathon are balloon parties (www.misterd.balloonhq.com).  I will have to punish the open bar tonight because I know tomorrow it will punish me while I enterain many children.  Hopefully I will be ok for the festivities tomorrow night.  In the end I know that I will have Sunday after morning church to recuperate while watching football.  At least I don’t have to watch the Chicago Bears suck on Sunday.  Have a great weekend!

Filed under: Captain, Church, Gay, balloon, beer, free porn, funny, latex, stupid, train wreck, weird, wife

meanwhile…back at the ranch…

This past weekend was highlighted with many highs and many lows.  It was the biggest emotional rollercoaster weekend I think I have ever experienced.  Let me explain…

Friday my buddy calls me and asks me to meet him for “a beer” after work.  We agree to meet at Fat Mans.  He asked me if I knew where it was, and I explained that I had been there many times.  He asked me to pick up some smokes since he didn’t have any.  As I near the bar, I realize that I must go past it to a gas station that is approximately 5 minutes away.  So I do.  I get caught behind a very slow moving train as I near the gas station.  10 minutes later, I have the cigarettes and I am on my way back to the bar.  On my way back, the slow ass moving train must have forgot something because it was now moving slowly in the opposite direction.  As the end of the train finally neared, another slow moving train comes out of no where from the opposite directly.  Seriously I waited no less than more minutes for both trains to pass.  Finally 45 minutes later than anticipated, I get to the bar.  I walk around and my friends said they were sitting in a booth.  I couldn’t find them.  After looking like a retard it dawns on me that they are not here and I recall there being a second Fat Man’s bar.  I called him and he said I was at the wrong one.  So, I begin to drive to the other Fat Man’s that I know of and after hitting one more train arrive there 30 minutes later.  I walk around and to my disbelief and after looking like a retard once again, I find out that once again I have gone to the wrong bar.  It has been explained to me now that there are 10 different Fat Man’s locations and I have driven a good 10 miles north to the wrong one.  It has now been an hour and a half for my quest to meet my friend on a Friday night and have a damn beer.  By the time I have realized that the bar I was supposed to go to was only five minutes away from the first bar, I became pretty upset and decided to call it a night.  Until the guys called and made me feel bad.  So, I was on my way to my 3rd Fat Mans and arrived 15 minutes later for my first beer of the night.  I told my wife that I was going out for a beer and I must have angered her severely because within 15 minutes she called me back and said that she ran into some friends at a teacher store as was heading out for drinks with the girls.  A few hours later and 3 drinks later, I was on my way home at 11:00pm.  That was a long beer. 

I had to twist a 5 ft tall Wind Tower before I hit the road Saturday morning at 7:00am for my trip to Clinton, Illinois to entertain for Trinity Structural Towers inaguaral family event. 

I twisted the tower until 4am, jumped in bed for two hours and then readied for my trip to Clinton from Chicago.  190 miles each way.  Good times. 

Two incredibly funny things happened to me while in Clinton. 

1. They have antique gas pumps. 

 

I kid you not.  This is what my gas pump looked like in Clinton. This is not THE gas pump but this isn’t far off from what I had to use to put gas in my car.  In life when you don’t understand something it is because technology has advanced and it has become electronic.  Not this time.  I seriously had to move my car because one side of the pump would be for premium and one other side of the pump would be for standard fuel.  Also, you can park on both side of the pump, so if you want standard and someone on the other side of the aisle is using standard, you have to wait.  You can’t just press a button and choose which gas type you want.  Also I got out and pulled out my credit card only to wimper a little bit when I realized that there is no credit card slot.  I began to fear that they might not even accept credit card inside and that I might hear the term “boy, your mouth sure does look purdy…” 

For the first time I was frightened by older technology. 

2.  I am burnt to a crisp while twisting on Saturday.

Once again, that is not THE sunburn that I got, but my face is just as red.  Actually the way I was standing the red is a little more pominent on my right side.  This morning I woke up to crusties on my forehead and scalp, which means I hit the 2nd degree burn status to where I am starting to blister.  Nice. 

3.  While twisting at the event on Saturday while burning my face off, a mother and her two daughters where in line.  The older daughter wanted a unicorn. So I made her a unicorn.  The younger daughter wanted a unicorn too.  While I was twisting the first unicorn, the mother told her that she must choose something else or not get anything at all.  The daughter began to cry because she, like her sister, wanted a unicorn.  So, the mother told the girl that if she didn’t choose between a spider man or a motorcycle she wasn’t getting anything.  Once again, this didn’t make the little girl happy and I was finished biting my toungue before the mother finally said, “That’s it, you will get nothing!” and the girl started to cry.  The mother, speaking over the crying girl, asked me if she could have a motorcycle. 

Nope.  Not after that. 

She pulled the little girl out of line, crying and I proceeded to make a unicorn for her while they walked away.  I walked up to the girl five minutes later when the mother wasn’t looking and gave her a unicorn.  I overheard the mother say “see what you made him do!” 

Poor girl.  I hate bad parenting.   

 I have one more funny story, but I am way past my threshold for posting.  I is a Sunday story that I will share tomorrow. 

Filed under: achy, balloon, confused, grouchy, latex, mean, stupid, train wreck, weird, work

renownedsleepylatexfainter

 

This morning finds me knodding off at the computer.  At approximately 3:30 this morning my wife and I were woken up with the sound of rattling glass to find 70 mph winds banging against our house.  We have never heard rattling like that so we both jumped up to go see what the hell was going on.  We were hit with probably the craziest storm yet full of power outages, lightning strikes that seemed to hit within feet of our house, thunder that shook everything for 10-15 seconds, and a crap load of rain.  We have never before had to run out on our deck and start removing wind chimes, birdhouses and solar lamps before.  Needless to say going back to sleep didn’t come easy, so here I type….zzzz….nodding off between keystrokes. 

I may drive my car a mile away over my lunch and take a nap. 

Last night while twisting balloons several weird things happened. 

1. I have a balloon stalker.  Seriously. I have a woman who drags her daughters to Red Robin every freaking Tuesday night for me to twist balloons for them.  It’s not just normal creations that they ask for it’s always something ridiculously time consuming and always a pain in my ass.  The timeframe while I twist is always filled with inappropriate questions that make me feel uncomfortable.  Now that the word is out as to how looney this lady is, I have begun to lie through my teeth to the personal questions that she asks.   Last night it was about children.  “Do you have any?”  “No”  “Are you trying to have any?” “No”. ”Because…if you aren’t using any protection then you are trying!” YIKES!  While twisting balloons for children, did a mom seriously ask me if I use protection with my wife????  STALKER!   I am starting to have some fun with the flat out lies I give her about what I do in my normal day to day job (firefighter) and some of the  heroic efforts I have been involved with (pulling babies and the elderly from the brink of death).  I will expand upon my lies as time goes on in regards to how the rest of the firefighters in my crew like to go into blazes donning my balloon hats and how we like to compete to see who can come out of a blazing hot fire fight with their balloon hat still in tact.  I will even challenge her to go online and find video on youtube of us firefighters sporting Jester hats while fighting fires.  She is a NUTBALL!

2.  I had a woman ask me if I would be interested in flying out to Boston to do a balloon art exhibit for an Art Museum.  After chatting with the woman while twisting for her family it turns out that she is a curator for a museum and has a summer home in Crystal Lake. (seriously though, who would buy a summer home in the far north western suburbs of Chicago?) She flies back for the fall in two days and feels as thought my balloon creations would make an amazing art exhibit if done in conjunction with a famous abstract artist.  If I could look at a famous abstract sculpture and replicate the theme and thoughts through balloons, then she thinks it would draw many in to see it.  I don’t know what I think about all this, but I will say that she got the little wheel turning in my head in ways that it never turned before about how I can make money with balloons.  “you are cordially invited to attend a premier art exhibit featuring the great latex twists of renowned balloon artist Dennis Scott!”  I kind of like the sounds of that.  My balloon business name is Mister D’s Balloon twisting (www.misterd.balloonhq.com) but like most famous artists such as Fresh Prince/Will Smith and The Rock/Dwayne Johnson, I would ditch the Mister D for my own personal name so as to rub in my worldwide fame to all those people growing up who thought that I would never amount to anything more than just a balloon twister. 

3.  I almost fainted twice last night while twisting balloons.  If you have fainted before then you know the feeling of a faint coming on.  Things start going dark and all the sounds start to fade off.  For some reason twice it started to happen and I would grab onto something and then I would be shot back into full speed without missing a beat.  I don’t think any of my tables noticed, but it scared me.  After the first near fall I thought I was just dizzy and it was no big deal but after the second one I couldn’t help imagining what the restaurant would be like when the balloon twister took a dive.  I am a big man, and big men fall hard.  The tables are not anchored down so I assume that I would likely fall into a table and some food would go flying.  Someone would probably scream “IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE!” and I would come to withing a few moments laughing at how embarrassed I was to have flung little Jimmy’s mac and cheese across the room onto some random child.  I hadn’t eaten a single thing yesterday and the fact that I woke up a 5:00am and worked until 9:00pm might have had something to do with me being dizzy. 

For the first evening in what seems like weeks, I get to go home tonight right from work with no real goals in mind other than doing some laundry. Have a great Hump Day! 

Filed under: balloon, latex, scared, sleepy, weird, work

Top 5 reasons that I can not win a top 5 blogging competition!

I just flipped over to my main man’s blog (www.stupidtom.com) and saw that he has entered this competition and found much humor in his post.  In it, he has motivated me to action.  I have only been blogging now for a month and a half now, and I am as close to being addicted as it gets.  So, on that note, I thought I would compete for the sake of getting my toes wet in this whole “blogging competition thingy”.  Do I expect to win?  Shizer no!  But, I will probably learn a thing or two while I explore why blogging is fun in the first place and why I suck compared to so many who do this with a serious purpose. 

5. As I mentioned, I am new to this and I haven’t even uncovered the tip of the iceberg when it comes to my blogging ability.  It’s kind of like a Star Wars jedi thing.  I am nothing but a young Aniken who is busy working on robots for my slave owner until I become noticed and led to learn the secrets of the Blogging Jedi Masters.  Then I will turn evil and move to a very dark theme for my blog page like many others. 

4. My blogs have no purpose.  I just like to ramble on like a homeless man who is on a 9 month bender.  This morning I contemplated blogging on the fact that my wife and I now buy bottled water because we are too lazy to fill our water bottles by the slow pouring nozzle on our frigerator.  Without a purpose, readers only gain the knowledge of how ridiculously retarded my life is. 

3. I think I read somewhere on the rules for this competition that entries written by crazy balloon twisters (www.misterd.balloonhq.com)  with Mad Cow disease would not be accepted… (http://dennismitchell.wordpress.com/tag/blood/)

2. Good things do not happen to good people.  I have come to this realization in life.  You have to be old and live on a farm or work for a manufacturing plant and drive a Harley to win the lotto.  (or just play) Which, those two classes of people describe the majority of those who do spend money on the lottery.  I am sure some evil, wicked, man who has just finished pushing an old lady to the floor after calling her fat will win this goofy thing. 

1.  One of the comments was to “Feel free to put your post in your own first language.”  Which to me,  pretty much announces truly how stupid I am.  If someone who speaks multiple languages is entering, I am pretty sure they possess way more knowlege about many things, much less blogging.  Once I read that suggestion, the theme of my entry was clearly obvious.  If only I would have paid attention during the 4 years of spanish during high school I would have a much better chance of winning.  “como esta?”  “muy bien”  “Y tu”  “tu papa vive en la casa de caca?”  Sorry, but that is as far as my secondary languages go.  I’m pretty much screwed…

Filed under: Blog, Blood, Pee, balloon, confused, excuse, fart, french, friend, fun, funny, grouchy, latex, mad cow, mean, pain, poop, scared, sleepy, smelly, stink, weird, wife, work

Sleepy Friday!!!!

Happy Sleepy Friday!  I woke up today in a complete haze.  Due to my poor judgement and slight perfectionist traits, I only received two and a half hours of sleep last night.  The reason?  Balloons. 

This will be my coming out email to explain my weird connection to latex.  I have a latex addiction.  I love latex.  I don’t know why.  Latex likes me too.  This is not the latex addiction where I like to melt it and  paint it all over my body, mind you.  My interest in it is nothing like those creepy older people you see on the weird late night real sex shows that play on HBO.  You know what I am talking about…where you get to see the disturbed minds of middle to older aged people when it comes to fetishes.  No, nothing like that.

 I am a professional latex manipulator.  Or as we are commonly known by little children as “The Balloon man!”  Or as I like to refer to it as a balloon twister. 

I have been twisting balloons since I was 13 years old.  The story behind how I became involved with this profession is quite a long one and I will share that with you later when I actually have the time to type out the long traumatic story.  But, as of today, I moonlight as a Professional balloon entertainer any time I can convince somone that their birthday party/picnic/school event/block party/festival/special event would not be nearly as fun without the amazement of me and my balloons.  I do not advertise at all and my business is purely by word of mouth.  I have a regular full time job that keeps me busy 50-60 hours a week, but that does not fulfill the financial burden for all of my strange habits and pleasures in life.  I know that money is the root of all evil and that I should not want more, but life is expensive.  I will not talk about my real day job because I do work for one of those Fortune 500 companies that have a way of finding the dumbest reason to fire people. (seriously though, I have seen some people get fired for reasons that blow my mind!  I am dying to reveal these stories, but fear serious reprecussion.)  I have pressed the threshold at work already for dumb reasons to be fired, but blogging is not my ideal reason to be dismissed from my primary source of income.  Anyhow, I twist balloons every tuesday night at a restaurant in Algonquin. 

I make great money twisting balloons.  I seriously have to argue with myself as to why I do not drop everything and go out and entertain for a living.  Balloons to me is the most theraputic thing I can do after a stress filled day.  It’s very weird because it is a fine combination between being an engineer and being a clown.  The engineering part comes into play on the more complex creations where you are building things out of balloons.  The clowning portion comes into the response you give to a childs reaction to the creation.  Especially when you mess up.  Or if the creation you make doesn’t quite do the trick.  There is nothing like creating a large animal out of balloons and having it’s head pop while you are drawing on the eyes and adding detail.  When you create a balloon animal for a child, it becomes a living breathing animal.  Once it’s head pops, you have now killed the new pet.  This is when you have to put it into overdrive and say something funny to prevent the child from crying.  Like “It’s a good thing I took Surgery 101 back at balloon school!” Then I will twist a new head on the creation as I shout things like, “”Forceps!” “Clamp!” “Scalpel!  No, wait!!!! – No Scalpels! Sponge!” “Suction! No, wait!!! – Pressure!” “Suture!” and etc. Good stuff I tell you.  If that doesn’t get the child laughing, I don’t know what will.   

So, I enjoy to twist balloons.  Does that make me a weirdo?  I wouldn’t think so.  Others might.  You can see a sample of my work at www.misterd.balloonhq.com .  I have posted some of my more memorable creations there. My balloon business name is Mister D’s Balloon Twisting.  Balloon Art With A Twist!  Fun, eh? 

Off the subject of ballooning.  I want to quickly hit on a few other things since my traumatic Easter. Many have asked me what the one big thing was that someone said to me that ruined everything.  I will say that I do not really care to talk about it anymore, because every time that I do, it only makes me rehash the holiday, and I would prefer not too.  I will leave it hanging out there like a storyline from the Soprano’s second season that still has not found a resolution. 

Was anyone else  as disappointed as I was about the final season premier of Sopranos?  Shoddy camera work made me feel for the first time that this truly was an HBO show and not a movie.  Usually the Soprano’s were edited in a much better manner than this episode.  For only having 8 final episodes, they really didn’t have too much action going on either. 

The one good thing about Easter was attending church that morning.  I will ask this question with potential reprecussions later.  Do only the good looking people go to Church on Easter?  Not that I am saying that there are not good looking people that go to church at other time, but it just seemed that my church was filled with good looking people.  Typically, you could say, due to the season change, a layer of clothing might come off.  Guys can wear dress shirts without a sweater or coat and women can wear dresses, skirts, and dress pants vs. the snow suit that women usually wear during the winter.  But this year, it was snowing on Easter, so that excuse is no longer legit.  I truly believe that most of the good looking people fall under the category of ChrEasters.  You know, the friends you will see in church only on the two major religious holidays…  You could almost say to them during Easter Mass, “See you at Christmas!”

Finally, I am struggling with finishing posts.  I have like 6 that I have started but haven’t found the time to finish.  When I go back to them, I will read it and wonder where my mind was as I typed each post.  I am finding that if I do not finish the post as I start it, I have a difficult time bending my brain back into the mindset that it was in when I started.  Therefore, I may start posting shorter, and incomplete posts to prevent the time wastedness.  Not that many people come and read this.  The therapy is in putting your thoughts on a page.  Who really cares if people read it or not.  I enjoyed writing what I did even if it does not get shot out into Cyberspace. 

 Enjoy your weekend!  I have three balloon events that I am entertaining for this weekend, so it will be a theraputic weekend for me. 

Filed under: Easter, balloon, confused, free porn, latex, sleepy