Fantasy Football season

It’s already a sore subject between the wife and I.  I have ridiculously signed up for six leagues this year and I already feel the weight of my over commitment in regards to the weekend.  On Sunday the wife and I were discussing bills when I decided to take a peek at the Directv bill.  I was stunned to see that the price for the Sunday ticket has become so much.  I was given an early renewal rate which still put the cost for the Sunday ticket plus the super fan package at 400.00.  Considering the fact that I entertain most Sundays and that I will actually find myself taking advantage of the Sunday Ticket all of five or six times this year, I can’t validate that sort of fee. That’s nearly 80.00 per weekend that I get to sit down and enjoy all of the games.  Just looking at my calendar right now, I already have bookings on 7 of the 17 Sundays during the NFL season ticket season.  Even if I didn’t book another event on a Sunday as we get closer to November, December, and January, I am looking at 40.00 per weekend to have access to all of the NFL games.  So I told the wife that I was going to cancel it. 

I called Directv with two choices for them.  I would keep the Sunday ticket if they gave me the current new subscriber promo that offered essentially every channel for six months.  Or, they could cancel the Sunday ticket and lose 400.00.  The woman I was talking to didn’t offer me option A, but did create Option C that was appealing enough to keep me as a Sunday Ticket customer.

Her offer: 20.00 off my bill each month for the 6months billing.  (120.00 off Sunday ticket package) Free Superfan plan (100.00 savings) Free DVR service for 12 months (84.00 savings) and free movie channels for 6 months (180.00 savings).  In the end a simple phone call saved me over 300.00 of what I would have paid and also an extra 180.00 for movie channels that I would have never paid for to begin with.  I’m not saying that you should call all of your subscriber based services but I can’t remember a single call that I made to any of them while not under an agreement where they were unable to cut some costs and save some money on my bill. 

Speaking of which, my cellular contract is up with Sprint and they have been f’ing up my billing. I am in the stone age in regards to cellular technology which is humorous considering when cell phones were becoming popular I sold them and was always on the cutting edge.  Now I am torn between an iPhone and a Blackberry.  My company tells me that the blackberry will be better for email with work, but the iphone would be better for promoting my balloon business.  I can’t decided and the countdown is tminus 8 days until I can finally kick my sprint phone to the curb. 

Gotta run, my 6th and final fantasy football draft begins in less than two hours.   I wonder if they offer an addiction program for fantasy sports.

Filed under: Gay, fantasy, work

I am the proud new owner….

…Of a gym membership!  Exciting, don’t you think? 

I have 77 days to lose 25lbs.  Why 77 days?  Because that’s when I am going to Vegas and the only way I will trick my mind into motivational mode is if I set this stupid goal.  It’s not like I am going to be putting on a swimsuit or dancing around naked while I am there.  It would just be nice to not look like the fat guy in my group of friends for what could be one of my last few Bachelor Parties in Vegas since slowly all of my friends are being trapped by women.  Ultimately it is my goal to lose 40lbs by May, but I don’t think I can lose that many pounds by the end of March. 

I was pretty confused last night when I parked at the gym.  Why are there so many gym members driving around for such a long time to get the closest parking spot to the front entrance.  It is cold outside, and there is parking towards the rear of the parking lot so I understand why you might want that close spot when you are buying groceries or shopping at a Walmart or Target..  Come on, people.  You are preparing to exercise! Would walking an extra 70 steps be a bad thing?  I kid you not.  When I pulled up to the gym and went to park, I had to wait behind a line of three cars that were all waiting for someone walking to their car to pull out.  When I delivered my newly signed gym membership paperwork to my car that was parked far back in the lot, two cars whipped around and slowly followed me hoping that I was parked close to the entrance and then sped off once I passed their “too far to walk” threshold.  This happened all while there were dozens of spots back towards the rear of the lot.  Crazy. 

My quest for weight loss has been brought to you by:

My doctor.  Who upon reading my weight and seeing me with my shirt off ordered me to lose 25 lbs this year.   And also…

My bank rewards program.  Through my bank I am able to redeem the points that we earn for using our checking card.  We have a crazy amount of points and I logged in to see if I might be able to redeem these points for my airline ticket to Vegas in March.  While logged in, I decided to see what other types of rewards I might want to take advantage of.  There was a category called “experiental rewards”.  Having never heard the word “experiental” I decided to check it out thinking that they would be far off asian items, like a bamboo umbrella or a couple of pound signs painted on a picture.  To my amazement, “experiental” derives from the word “experience” and not “oriental”.  My immediate thought after figuring that out is that you get to “experience” something “oriental”, but that is not the case either.   Apparently an “experiental” reward is one where you get a unique expeience.  Like a colonoscopy by Michael Jackson.  Or watch porn with Pee Wee Herman.  Or you can be boring and go for a three lap ride in a Nascar or a tandem sky dive.  The cool thing about the boring options is that I have enough points that my wife and I can both do those together if we choose.  As I started reading further it dawned on me that even though we have the points, we actually can not do them together because I am too fat.  (I am really not that fat, but just a big fella that could lose 25 lbs.)  Apparently Nascar rides and parachutes don’t come in size fat because both options require the participant to be under the 220 pound threshold.  Which current Dennis is not.  Post Vegas Dennis will be, however.   And also…

My trip to the old Marshal Fields (Macy’s) on State Street in Chicago this past weekend.  It is my opinion that Ralph Lauren hates fat people.  The problem with this is that I love Ralph Lauren.  Not as much as some of the fellas that worked there if you know what i’m sayin….but I like the Ralph Lauren clothing line alot.  In all of my fat glory, I have moved from XL to XXL for sweaters and that greatly decreases my clothing options.  I felt good leaving that section due to the attention I received from the boys selling the clothing (seriously, though…if I were gay male, Macy’s on State would be ground zero for my search for a life partner.  Not saying there is anything wrong with it, but at one point I had to leave the changing room because of the two guys together in the room next to me and their comments to each other while they were doing a private fashion show.) but it still did nothing for me knowing that I have outfatted my favorite clothing line.  My wife left the department as frustrated as I was but not for the same reason.  She was upset because the guys wouldn’t pay any attention to her and only would focus on me. 

More to come in regards to the gym joining process.  If I had to describe the pain level in dealing with a gym membership salesperson I would put it at a higher pain point than the root canal I went through a few months ago.  Seriously.  I will explain why later when I have more time. 

Happy Thursday!

Filed under: Exercise, Fatty, Gay, bachelor party, body, muscles, pain, stupid, wife

Well the weather outside is…

About as bad as it gets. (Frightful?)

Today I am bored out of my skull.  I distinctly remember saying that earlier today out loud and realizing that if I were a manager, I might not like hearing an employee say how bored they were.  But it is true.  I am sitting at my desk twiddling thumbs and organizing my new wallet.   None of my customers have been in this week.  The week between Christmas and New Years is always dead.  I have taken a couple of days off to stretch my own holiday, but I guess I would rather not waste my own vacation days until I can actually dip my toes in an ocean or double down on eleven when the dealer shows  six at 8:00am in the morning after a night out on the Vegas strip.   Besides, these days allow me to actually catch up from the craziness that is the first half of December. 

I had an ultra sound done yesterday, and they didn’t do it on my stomach.  I can’t go to far into it, but the doctor found a mass in one of my giggle berries.  I wish I could just go all out on a post where I explore many different viewpoints about having a strange man squirt goo all over your testicles and proceed to rub a microphone all around while snapping photos on some expensive electronic equipment.   My scrotum sounds like a baby.  I could hear the heart beat and everything.  I could take every thought and turn them this way and that and really dig deep, but I won’t. 

I will say that it was ultrasound amateur hour.  I was intentionally scheduled with a male ultrasound technician because they wanted me to be comfortable.  I was shocked upon entering the mood lit room to find a woman waiting.  I was introduced to her and told that she is training and would be “sitting in” on her first male ultra sound.  Great.  So, I laid down, the guy did his thing, and upon completion he stood up and asked me if I would mind the lady giving it a whirl for the first time.  “Why not?” I answered.  I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe we should call out to Dorris and Betty out at the front counter and see if they wanted to give it a go as well.  So, I laid there while a woman that wasn’t supposed to even be in the room played with my balls as an educational experience.  Good times.   

The new year is upon us.  This will be my first year at disappointing myself (resolutions).  The list is growing.  Ever since I decided to try out the New Years Resolution thingy, it seems that everything that I do wrong in life has turned into something that I am going to fix as of January 2nd.  (Not January 1st, because who wants to start a diet/stop drinking/quit farting/stop smoking/stop picking his/her nose/stop watching free porn on a day known for binge eating/drinking?)

So, come January 2nd, I will magically turn into a new man.  More to come on the magical change that will/won’t happen.  Have a safe and happy New Year celebration. 

Filed under: Gay, balls, boredom, confused, excuse, fart, free porn, grouchy, mean, scrotum, stupid, train wreck, weird, wife, work

Tree shopping and puke

Today I feel sick to my stomach.  As a matter of fact, I might yack.  A girl that has been with my company for just a shade over 8 years and has to be at least a good 3 years younger than me is retiring today.  Yep, I said it.  She is retiring today.  She won’t admit it, but she is quitting at the age of 28 for no reason at all.  Her husband works here as well.  They both started here right out of college and benefitted from the sale of our company so much that she feels that there is no reason for her to work any more.   I don’t know why this bothers me so much.  Lately, the feeling of jealousy has been rearing it’s ugly head into my life on a frequent basis.  I should be happy for her, but for some reason, the thought of her being able to wake up in the morning, roll out of bed, turn on The Price is Right while eating breakfast in her “jammies” without a worry about having to pay a bill strikes the jealous nerve in me.  I have debated for a few weeks about what I might consider for New Years Resolutions this year, and I think the whole less jealous thing needs to be pretty high up on that list. 

I hate resolutions.  I never do them because I think they are stupid.  They have been ruined time after time by fatties and smokers that announce to the world that they are going to lose weight/quit smoking only to be seen by me and the rest of the world choking down enough food that would feed Beeju in South Africa for a month or toking on a cigarette while coughing out an explanation as to why they didn’t succeed in their resolution.  But this year, I will try it out.  I am still working out the details, but I want to privately note the resolutions and see if I can hit them.  I don’t plan on telling anyone I know about it for fear of others looking upon me as I break each of them 2 days after my proclimation.  Maybe this year I will aim low and gradually work my way up to a challenge. 

Wednesday night my wife and I went out to buy our Christmas Tree.  Until Jeanne and I met she had never had a real tree.  I personally believe that decorating a slaughtered tree while creating a fire hazard should be part of every household’s Christmas celebration. 

This year She and I thought it would be fun to “rough it” and actually go out and chop a tree down at a Christmas tree farm.  Nothing makes you feel more like a man than cutting down a tree…that and effectively pulling off a dutch oven on your wife… Unfortunately the craziness of Christmas hit us before we realized that she and I did not have the time to make the tree chopping down trip happen.  So we decided to buy from one of those guys that live in a trailer while selling trees.  So, on Wednesday night we bundled up, went out to dinner and then set out on our mission to find the perfect tree.  I went to the exteme to even get those little packets that chemically heat up your hands so that our hands would freeze while picking out a tree.  The funny part about the whole experience was as we pulled into the tree lot there was this one tree that completely stood out from the rest and it was honestly the largest and most beautiful Christmas tree we had ever seen.  Knowing that it was a White Pine, I told my wife that we should expect the 10′ White Pine variety to be around 80-100 bucks based on my past experiences with tree buying.  Before I was even able to step out of the car, a guy stepped out of the trailer to assist and I asked the question, “how much for the white pine?”  “$50.00″ he said, and I replied with a loud “SOLD!”  He laughed and proceeded to do everything they do to a tree while I ran into the trailer to pay for the tree.  By the time I returned to the car the guy from outside was nearly done strapping the tree to the top of our car and had moved on to comedy hour telling my wife about funny tree stories. Jeanne never even left the car once. What a deal!  Quick, friendly, cheap, and funny…all wrapped up in a 10 minute Tree shopping experience.  What a deal.  For the guys bad Christmas tree jokes and quick strapping method I gave him a nice tip and handed him my chemical hand warmer packets saying we wouldn’t be needing them.  I don’t think he was an educated fellow because he was confusded how a little packet of powder could produce something so hot. It’s Christmas magic I said and we were off with our new Beautiful tree.  Overall, a nice little tree shopping experience.  I would love to explore the lifestyle of these guys that live in a trailer for 5 weeks out of the year while selling Christmas trees, but I will do that in a later post. 

Fun weekend ahead.  Tomorrow we have Jeanne’s Masters graduation ceremony.  It just dawned on me that maybe I should buy her a gift.  Wow.  Saturday night Christmas Shopping and Sunday will be filled with Church and Football.   Hopefully I will be able to squeeze a drink in there somewhere.  This morning I went to the doctor to get a physical for the first time in over 10 years.  Funny stories are bound to happen any time you drop your drawers for another man and are told to cough. 

Have a great weekend!

Filed under: Church, Gay, fun, grouchy, latex, puke, stupid, train wreck, weird, wife, work

chilly nipple

I laughed out loud when I wrote that title because this just might be the most twisted thing I have written about.  I thought this morning about putting both of these thoughts into two seperate posts so that I do not scare the crap out of my few friends that frequent this page, but I am just going to let it rip and see what happens. 

Last night I was brushing my teeth.  I like to brush in the shower.  I have a ritual when in the shower that I won’t bore you with.  It’s borderline obsessive compulsive.  I even play this game if I am in a rush as to how fast I can get all of my little showering steps done.  Psycho, I know.  But last night, the funniest thing happened.  As I was brushing my teeth (step 12 of the 16 step shower process) (this step immediately follows the knock on the wall 19 times and comes before counting the bars of soap…) but while I was brushing a bit of the toothpaste/saliva dripped on to my left nipple. 

It burned.  In a cool weird kind of way.  Like icy hot.  For like 30 minutes.  I laughed becuase I couldn’t believe that a little toothpaste had that kind of reaction. 

I have no idea why I mentioned that on here, but just in case you ever wanted to know what would happen if you ever rubbed or dripped toothpaste on your nipples, that is it.  I bet that some people might be in to that, and if any of you are reading this and you are, I am borderline with you. 

Christmas came early for me this year.  Free porn is back in my life and in a good way.  I was going through the old mail from a week or so ago and I came across a piece from DirecTV.  It stated that since I have been a loyal subscriber, I was going to be given Cinemax for the month of December.  Having not realized this for the past week, I feel cheated and am currently debating whether I am going to call DirecTV and tell them that I didn’t see the notification letter until now and ask that they extend my free month at least one week into January.  If only my wife enjoyed the free porn as much as I do.  She would have told me about the letter immediately.  It would be neat and strange to have a wife that would come running up to me and say how happy she is that we have Cinemax again for a limited time. I know her excitedness wouldn’t be for the same reason as mine.   Since I have customized what channels appear and don’t appear, I added Cinemax to the options last night. 

Cinemax is trouble anyway.   I can’t count the number of times I would be watching a You’ve got mail or a Star Wars on Cinemax in the bedroom and fall asleep only to be awoken by my wife an hour later asking me why I was watching a show called Coed Confidential, Sin City Diaries..or Busty Models.  Nothing like getting busted for doing something that you weren’t doing in the first place. 

Ahhhh, big weekend ahead.  Tonight and tomorrow night I have Christmas Holiday parties.  Tonight it’s dressy, tomorrow it’s funny attire.  Tonight it’s open bar, tomorrow it’s bring a bottle of whatever you plan on yakking up (I will be on a voyage with the Captain most of the weekend) on Sunday morning.  Sandwiched in the middle of my 48 hour drunkathon are balloon parties (www.misterd.balloonhq.com).  I will have to punish the open bar tonight because I know tomorrow it will punish me while I enterain many children.  Hopefully I will be ok for the festivities tomorrow night.  In the end I know that I will have Sunday after morning church to recuperate while watching football.  At least I don’t have to watch the Chicago Bears suck on Sunday.  Have a great weekend!

Filed under: Captain, Church, Gay, balloon, beer, free porn, funny, latex, stupid, train wreck, weird, wife

Sleepy Hallow…(yawn)…een

Happy free candy day!  It is 10:00 and I already have two candy covered taffy apples, three candybars and a shit load of little candy strewn about my desk.  I didn’t even do anything for any of it. 

It’s Halloween, but it doesn’t feel like Halloween.  It’s Wednesday.  I guess I have been too busy to realize.  I don’t know what happened but Halloween this year has overcome July as  my busiest month ever.  I have had more Halloween parties to entertain for in the past week than I ever have.  Which has pretty much zapped any chance I have had to do anything in regards to my own Halloween celebrations.  I didn’t even get to carve any of the pumpkins that I paid for without even the courtesy of a reach around.  I have another Halloween party this evening that will keep me busy enough to not even get to enjoy one ding dong of the doorbell at my house this evening.  Oh…the life of a balloon twister. 

That Halloween rant was brought to you by a squirrel.  I can’t say what type, what color, or how big or small.  But I can say that somehow he made it inside the wall nearest my head in my bedroom and was scratching and screaming all night.  I think he had a girly-squirrel in the wall and was gettin his trick ‘r treat on.  That is what it sounded like.  I just laid in bed waiting for him to scratch his way through my wall and attack us in my pseudo-pretend sleep.  That was all I could muster up with a 80 rabid squirrel that found it’s way into my bedroom wall.  It mocked me until around 3:30 this morning until finally it either found it’s way out or moved on to the next house.  I wanted to call an exterminator, but I have read several horror stories where they come over and pretty much just rip out the wall where they are and capture the animal.  If there is going to be any wall ripping, I am going to do it my self and there surely will not be a humane ending to the creature that caused me to tear open my wall.  F-trapping it.  I’m from Pekin, Illinois.   Squirrel tastes like chicken. 

Last night while twisting at the restaurant, I experienced a pretty funny moment with a little girls dad.  While inflating a 260Q, the little girl looked up and said “Look how big it is, daddy!” (60 inches long by 2 inches wide to be scientifically precise)  Having heard that statement from children many times during my years of twisting it didn’t ring loudly in my brain, but the look on the dad face told the story.  He looked at me and said he hoped that he never hears his little girl say that about anything other than balloons for the rest of his life. 

Which reminded me of the Saturday night live commercial  for Homocil.  http://jumpcut.com/view/?id=F71620E469F511DCB1A0000423CEF682

A commercial for parents who can’t handle the pressure of possibly having a gay child.  I encounter this alot as well as a balloon twister.  Whenver a child asks me for a creation, I always ask what color the child wants the creation.  I can’t count the number of times where a boy will want his puppy dog pink or his sword pink.  Sometimes the father will jump in and talk the child out of it, and sometimes the dad isn’t around and the mom thinks it’s cute.  It might be a good idea for me to carry a bottle of homocil with me to give to the fathers when such a request is asked. 

Have a safe and happy Halloween! 

     

Filed under: Gay, balloon, confused, grouchy, mean, sleepy

I feel stupid

I work in a place where Vendors walk around and show off new technology. These same vendors give me stupid stuff that I would find no enjoyment in if I had not worked in a box with walls covered in cloth.  (cubicle)  What a word, “Cloth”.  Just say it a few times.  Almost as fun as saying the word Sloth.  Which is what I have become while working in this box of death.  I digress…

Today a vendor was walking around and handed me a sheet with all of the specs on a new item that they are offering.  Without listening to anything he said, he then put a little squeeze football on my desk.  That is the “stupid shit” that I get way too excited about.  He went on to explain about their promotion…blah..blah…blah…then he reached into his box and handed me an item (very cool technology gadget)  and I got so excited because I have become so stigmatized by the 10 vendors each day that come by my cloth box.  Usually when a vendor puts something in your hands, it is something you keep.  A chotchkey.  A USB lava lamp.  A can of Red Bull.  A magic 8 ball.  A T-shirt.  All branded with their manufacturer logo.  This time he handed me the tech gadget, and since I had not listened to anything he had said up to that point, I think I screamed “Holy shit that is awesome!!!” or something like that while sitting the gadget on my desk excited about the fact that I had just been given an awesomely expensive item from one of my vendors.  I think he knew that he sounded like a teacher in a Charlie Brown cartoon to me and saw that I thought he was given me the gadget, which is when he laughed, picked it up off my desk, laughed again, and patted me on the shoulder like I was 2 years old as he walked away. 

I am an idiot. 

On a positive note, I am in a quandry since it seems that all of the items that I had won through the sales contest appear to be set to hit my house today and tomorrow based on all of the tracking info.  Only problem is that no one will be home to sign for any of the stuff.  So, at this exact moment, I am debating on whether I might want to call in sick tomorrow because tomorrow could possibly be the happiest day of my life.  Tomorrow could be the day that I finally achieve HD.  My wife is still pretty upset about the whole process, but the bottom line is that I have found a way to get HD in my life without touching her budget, so she should find some happiness in the whole process.   Last night as my wife was getting ready to go to bed, I said something like, “(said while pointing at tiny 20″ CRT television that sits on my dresser in the bedroom) “By friday night you will have a large HDTV in place of that little 20″ TV!”  “Doesn’t that excite you?”  to which she gave me a dirty look and replied “no”.  I don’t believe her.  Just the fact that she will not have to pull me out of the electronics dept every single time we enter any store that sells LCD televisions should be enough to excite her.  There should be more to come because I will not allow her to cast a dark unethical shroud over what could be my happiest moment as a man.  I won’t do it. 

My only other issue is that I have been getting caught up with technology way too fast.  I went from being far behind to now not even having any time to enjoy what I have.  There are now close to 15 projects around the house and as new items come in, they just add to the list.  I can’t wait for the holidays. 

Filed under: Gay, confused, excuse, grouchy, mad cow, train wreck, weird, wife

stormy morning

 

This early morning post is brought to you by the fear of my Friday morning meeting.  This morning my team will have it’s weekly Friday gathering and the boss has been out for 2 days and we as a team are anticipating an ass chewing.  Not that the reason for the ass chewing is our fault, but something seriously bad happened and our boss is not an “ass chewer” per se, but he is good at getting his point across when he is not happy.  I can’t post the details for fear of being on the receiving end of the infamous escort out of my building. Where I work, if you F-up, there is not a “gather your things” or a “you have 2 hours to get  your stuff and leave”.  I have heard rumors that a smoke or fog like mist will begin to appear near your desk and then a grim reaper accompanied by HR shows up and they ask you to stand up and step away from the computer.  They immediately ask you to follow them where they escort you out of the building and that is that.  I have heard that there is little in the explanation of why you lost your job, or that you even lost your job.  Within a week you receive a box with anything at your desk that they feel was yours before you started working in this place.  All the chochkies and vendor gifts are kept and you only receive anything that you paid for or bought on your own. (and sometimes that doesn’t even happen)  Which as I sit and look around my desk, I have a lot of cool little shit that I might want to put in a bad and take out of here just in case that would ever happen.  I would hate to receive my box and not receive my mini football.  Or my magnetized pen.  Or my neon hawaiian cup that has a light built into the bottom that is actually something you would never use to consume a liquidy beverage without having someone with bigger balls than you to do it first.  Or my surround sound style side view and rear view mirrors that adorn my dual 19″ monitors that I work off of.  Or my magic 8 ball.  Or my stack of vendor notepads that grows exponentially higher with each passing of a vendor.  Don’t they know that when they take an 81/2 X 11 paper and monopolize 70% of the total writing space with shit that I will never reference that the notepad has become 70% less usable? Oh, and I wouldn’t want to lose my red swingline vendor logo’d staper.  I’ll burn the building down.  Or my beach in a bottle.  Sand, seashell, little folding beach chair, little drink umbrella, and a message in the bottle that was left for a promotion that expired at least a year and a half ago.  Ahh…looking at that little bottle during the day brings the taste of a corona to my mouth. 

Wow. I actually blacked out there for 5 minutes and just kept typing while looking around at my desk. 

I noticed that my wife hasn’t ”installed” the new automobile floor mats she bought months ago.  So we needed to have a little talk this morning about what was causing her to not put her new floor mats into her vehicle.  The funny part about my saying we need to have a little chat is that I bought new floor mats for my car like 6 months ago and I have not installed mine either.  So our little talk wasn’t so much as saying that she needed to do it as it was more a “why?” aimed at the both of us.  I believe that after driving our cars for so many years (8 for her and 7 for me) that we have become emotionally attached to the carpet.  She and I both know that our floor mats are gross and need to be replaced.  She thinks the reason we don’t do it is the same reason that our home improvement list is as long today as it was over a year ago when we moved into our new home.  I might agree…but I still believe the attachment plays into it somehow. 

Big weekend ahead.  Tonight my wife is going to see Rascall Flatts (country group).  

Yikes!  It’s only 7:30 and I just overheard my first “It’s Friday!” in the office.  Nice.  I think I will track the number of times I hear that today.  I would put the over under at 23.  The Friday guys are back!

Back to the country concert.  My wife is going with her sister, her childhood best friend, her sisters childhood best friend and two other friends.   6 girls for those of you that lost 5 fingers in a freak accident of some sort.  (hey, I’m here for you!)  My wife asked me late last night that if her sister doesn’t go because she isn’t feeling well, would I llike to go?

Me and 5 women at a boy band country concert.  No thanks.  Maybe if I did go that I could sport some chaps of some sort and maybe a black mesh see through tank top. (great image, I know!) 

Tomorrow I will man up and attend the 6th annual Drinking Olympics.  Something about the words drinking and olympics being brought together put a smile on my face.  Tomorrow’s theme (each year we have a theme) is B list celebrities.  I still haven’t decided which B list celebrity I will go as.  I was thinking maybe hulk hogan since he has a reality show, or maybe even  Larry the Cable guy.  Who knows? 

Pumpkin picking, Halloween costume shopping, church, and Football should pretty much wrap up my weekend nicely.  Have a great Friday and I hope to post again from this desk again someday. 

Filed under: Church, Friday guy, Gay, beer, grouchy, mean, scared, stupid, train wreck, weird

Living the dream!

Back in the office on a beautiful Monday morning, and if I were feeling any better I’d have to take a pill.  

Not really. 

But I am in a pretty good mood.  This morning I have been overwhelmed by balloon twisting inquiries for Halloween.  I am slightly amazed since my balloon business is growing out of control.  www.misterd.balloonhq.com  I wonder how much more it would grow if I actually put time and effort into it.  It’s kind of an organic growth and purely by word of mouth.  No advertising at all.  So far for the upcoming Halloween season, I have fielded 12 requests to twist at childrens parties.  Last year I did one.  I really didn’t know what to anticipate this year since last year the fall and winter were pretty slow months.  It doesn’t look like things will slow down much this year and I am on pace to crack 125 events this year.  Crazy. 

Yesterday was my finally my first full day of Football and I must say it was pretty anti-climactic.  I was too lazy to set up multiple televisions, so I just watched the Red Zone Channel while getting angry at the wireless network I recently established that will work for 5 minutes and then crash until you unplug and reset.  How frusturating. I blame it on the mac notebook that I am using since I can not run the set up disk for the wireless router on a mac.  I also can not run it on my home PC since it seems to have contracted the HIV.  So, I wait until I finally receive the new HP notebook I bought over two weeks ago.  I don’t know if I can wait another week for this damn thing.  

I managed to get out of bed yesterday early enough to make breakfast for the wifey.  I accidentally stumbled upon a great home made apple sauce recipe as well, and I think that might make me gay.  While finishing the Pancakes and Bacon, I threw some water and sugar into a skillet.  I peeled 2 apples thinking I would soften them some and display softened cinnamon apple slices on the pancakes for effect. (If you haven’t figured it out by now, I was trying to get some action from the wifey and since cooking sometimes does the trick, I was going all out.)  Not really.  I just like to cook.  I said that action part to try and sound manly and it was a pretty bad attempt.  And I like Justin Timberlake.  I worry my wife sometimes.    Luckily I have the “I’m Married” line to combat any “You know how I know your gay?” jokes. 

So, after the apple slices had simmered in the sugar water, I added some cinnamon (without measuring because it is unmanly to measure things while you cook).  I also added some freshly squeezed lemon juice.  When all was said and done, I had some great tasting apples slices that tasted as if they were straight out of apple pie.  After sampling the apples I decided to toss some into my magic bullet and blend them.  What came out of the blender was the most amazing tasting apple sauce that I had ever tasted.  It was so good that late last night I made a huge batch of the stuff.  I think I had peeled 10 apples last night and finished with a gallon of fresh home made apple sauce.  Good stuff. 

The rest of the weekend flew bye.  I was struggling on Saturday because we went down to see my family and that is never easy.  The grandparents are getting older and Jeanne and I were surprised when a surprise bomb was dropped on us in response to my question as we drove by a cemetery.  I will write about that tomorrow. 

Got to see my nieces and nephews this weekend as well which is always great.  More to come on that as well. 

Have a great monday!  

Filed under: Gay, balloon, confused, weird, wife, wikipedia, work

I AM NOT GAY!

What do we as the american public dislike more? 

A Gay Senator?  or a Gay Senator that lies about being Gay? 

Not that I am saying that Senator Larry Craig is actually gay.  I don’t know the man.  I feel bad because he is being scrutined more than any person in life should ever be. 

Would it have been better if he came out and said “I’m gay”.  It seems to me that when someone offers up the courage to come out that there is immediately a new found respect for the bravery exhibited by such gay individual. 

Is it possible to plead insanity for that 10 minutes in the airport restroom? 

After this story has surfaced, I will never enter a stall (not that I ever have) at an airport again for fear of someone peeking through my door and playing footsies with me.  From here on out any friend of mine caught in a restroom stall at an airport shall be referred to as “gay.” 

My final thought on the whole restroom debate is if he truly was innocent and his actions were misconstrued, then being a senator, wouldn’t he:

a. know enough about law to understand the reprecussions in pleading guilty.

b. spoken with some sort of counsel/brain trust commission about his options for pleading not guilty?  From what I know, if he would have pleaded not guilty, then it would have all been “he did this….he did that…” with only two witnesses.  Himself and the plain clothes officer.  When you are in a jury, who do you trust?  An officer, or a Senator.  I guess with the track record our country has with politicians that this wouldn’t have been a fair fight. 

Last night I had my second of 5 fantasy football drafts.  The participants in this league are my closest friends from college.  It’s weird but today I feel uplifted just from the time I had with my friends.  I don’t know what it is about my guys but I have so much fun when every single one of us is in attendance.  I feed off of their energy.  4 of the 9 were in my wedding (including my best man) and the other 5 were in attendance.  Each and every one of them even made the trip to Vegas for the bachellor party.  (I was the first to get married out of all of them).  I am lucky to have such incredible friends.  I, however will not be the first to pop out a child.  It was announced last night that Jon and his wife of just under a year are already 5 months pregnant.  I am glad to not be our group trendsetter there.  Man, am I getting old. 

  

Filed under: Gay, Schief, fantasy, mean, poop, scared, stink, stupid, train wreck, weird, work