chilly nipple

I laughed out loud when I wrote that title because this just might be the most twisted thing I have written about.  I thought this morning about putting both of these thoughts into two seperate posts so that I do not scare the crap out of my few friends that frequent this page, but I am just going to let it rip and see what happens. 

Last night I was brushing my teeth.  I like to brush in the shower.  I have a ritual when in the shower that I won’t bore you with.  It’s borderline obsessive compulsive.  I even play this game if I am in a rush as to how fast I can get all of my little showering steps done.  Psycho, I know.  But last night, the funniest thing happened.  As I was brushing my teeth (step 12 of the 16 step shower process) (this step immediately follows the knock on the wall 19 times and comes before counting the bars of soap…) but while I was brushing a bit of the toothpaste/saliva dripped on to my left nipple. 

It burned.  In a cool weird kind of way.  Like icy hot.  For like 30 minutes.  I laughed becuase I couldn’t believe that a little toothpaste had that kind of reaction. 

I have no idea why I mentioned that on here, but just in case you ever wanted to know what would happen if you ever rubbed or dripped toothpaste on your nipples, that is it.  I bet that some people might be in to that, and if any of you are reading this and you are, I am borderline with you. 

Christmas came early for me this year.  Free porn is back in my life and in a good way.  I was going through the old mail from a week or so ago and I came across a piece from DirecTV.  It stated that since I have been a loyal subscriber, I was going to be given Cinemax for the month of December.  Having not realized this for the past week, I feel cheated and am currently debating whether I am going to call DirecTV and tell them that I didn’t see the notification letter until now and ask that they extend my free month at least one week into January.  If only my wife enjoyed the free porn as much as I do.  She would have told me about the letter immediately.  It would be neat and strange to have a wife that would come running up to me and say how happy she is that we have Cinemax again for a limited time. I know her excitedness wouldn’t be for the same reason as mine.   Since I have customized what channels appear and don’t appear, I added Cinemax to the options last night. 

Cinemax is trouble anyway.   I can’t count the number of times I would be watching a You’ve got mail or a Star Wars on Cinemax in the bedroom and fall asleep only to be awoken by my wife an hour later asking me why I was watching a show called Coed Confidential, Sin City Diaries..or Busty Models.  Nothing like getting busted for doing something that you weren’t doing in the first place. 

Ahhhh, big weekend ahead.  Tonight and tomorrow night I have Christmas Holiday parties.  Tonight it’s dressy, tomorrow it’s funny attire.  Tonight it’s open bar, tomorrow it’s bring a bottle of whatever you plan on yakking up (I will be on a voyage with the Captain most of the weekend) on Sunday morning.  Sandwiched in the middle of my 48 hour drunkathon are balloon parties (www.misterd.balloonhq.com).  I will have to punish the open bar tonight because I know tomorrow it will punish me while I enterain many children.  Hopefully I will be ok for the festivities tomorrow night.  In the end I know that I will have Sunday after morning church to recuperate while watching football.  At least I don’t have to watch the Chicago Bears suck on Sunday.  Have a great weekend!

Filed under: Captain, Church, Gay, balloon, beer, free porn, funny, latex, stupid, train wreck, weird, wife

niceeyebrowish

  

I just had a vendor roll by that thought it would be fun to keep me from working for 20 minutes.  Not that this is unusual, but his eye brows were.  He was a fun sized individual but what he lacked in height he appeared to try and make up for by the fancy suit, shoes, and grooming.  If only I could have had a camera to snap a photo.

I can’t really explain it, but it was obvious that he didn’t wax his eyebrows, but shaved them.  He also had the pointy sideburn thing going.   The eyebrows were around half the length of most normal eyebrows and very boxy with the thinest edge kind of angled downward at a 30 degree anglish.  Every time I would look up I would stifle a laugh.  He kept asking me what was funny and I told him that I kept thinking about the joke that my neighbor had told me earlier in the day that made me laugh.  Finally I yelled to my neighbor who had not met this vendor yet about the joke from earlier and the vendor walked over and upon my neighbor seeing this guy, he busted out laughing too!  When the guy finally realized that we were laughing at him, he handed out his info and walked away.

I was debating recently with myself as to whether I should explore the eyebrow thing, and I would say that incident pretty much reaffirmed my decision to stay away from the whole manscaping thing. 

Filed under: body, funny, weird

Numbness

I am happy to say that I am finally done with the whole root canal experience.  After 3 visits the root canal experience lived up to all of the hype that I read about.  On one hand it sucked as much as people say, on the other hand I have a new found pain threshold that allows me to be tolerant in any future dental or hospital visit.  I guess when you have gone to the extreme of having a guy stick needles and dental swords in your mouth a couple hundred times, a simple cleaning will be a cake walk. 

I am being a brave little soldier and I am back at work.  I will avoid talking on the phone and sounding like a person who is frequently seen riding places in a fun sized bus.  There are many things to be done other than talking on the phone.  Judging by the difficult time I am having typing, something is seriously wrong with my head and more trauma has happened then what I am aware.  They gave me white pills and told me to take them for the next 24 hours and I am starting to find a happy place.  I may deal with the pain to save one or two for a rainy day.  Today should be great because I still have to twist balloons at Red Robin tonight.  (www.misterd.balloonhq.com)  So it should be a nice little Tuesday I have ahead of me.

The doctor kept saying how big my roots where.  If I didn’t have a rubber dam covering my mouth and more hardware holding everything in place, I would have chimed in with the many jokes that were running through my mind.  I didn’t get to use them there, but this might be the right place to get them out of my system. 

The first time he told me today how long my roots are, I wanted to say:  “You tell that to all the boys don’t you…” 

The second time he told me today how long my roots are, I wanted to say:  “You know what they say about guys with long roots don’t you?”  “They require long dental files…”  (bad joke drum sound effect would go nice right here)  

The third and final time he told me today how long my roots are, I wanted to say: “You know…long roots run in the Scott family…we are proud of our root heritage…” 

Sad how I was laying there continually coming up with one liners while he axed away at my mouth. 

I tried to be observant throughout the whole process and at one point I think he used the exact same glue gun that I have in my house.  At another point he dropped a piece of metal on the floor and had to move my chair to pick it up.  He didn’t make another move before going to my mouth, so I believe that something unsanitary may have happened there. 

Also, the doctor kept complimenting himself which I found funny.  Nice job!  Yes, that’s it!  Way to go!  Perfect! Were all phrases I heard him mumble to himself throughout the process.  I think that I should start doing the same throughout the day.  Maybe a little self congratulation is something that I have been missing out on for all these years. 

In the end, he inserted a crap load of things into my four canals and proceeded to close it up with the glue gun.  I felt sad for the stuff wedged into the canals.  Knowing that they will be trapped in the tomb of my tooth until something that I don’t even want to think about happens that requires everything to be opened up again.  I wanted to ask if I could add things to the tooth.  Like a little note or a picture.  That way in another fifty years when it is opened up, we can look back on how the times have changed.  

Filed under: achy, balloon, body, confused, funny, grouchy, mean, pain, sore, weird, work

Run Forrest, RUN!

 

I have killed the last 30 minutes looking online at my fellow coworkers who are stupid…er…I mean brave enough to run the Chicago Marathon this Sunday.  At the office I have a directory that allows me to type in the name and see the face.  When I received this email several thoughts went racing through my mind. 

1.  Why?  Why run?  I understand the health benefits.  But it’s just hard.  I am too fat. 

2.  I hope some of the people that I saw online have lost some weight since the photos, because if I can’t do it, then I doubt these people can.  I just think the overweight employees registered and have no plan on finishing.  If I wasn’t a football fan or a cub fan I might enter just to say I did it.  Did you guys see the office last week?  I would do what Creed, Stanley, and a few others did during the start of the Marathon.  I would start out running but pull up into an alley and jump in a cab.  I would then have the cab drive me to the local watering hole where I would drink beers and smoke a pack of cigarettes until a realistic time of crossing the finish line.  Then I would jump back in a cab and have him drive me to to about 2/3 of a mile away from the finish line.  Why 2/3 of a mile?  Because 2/3 of a mile to me is equivalent to running 26.2 miles.  But, I would push it in the final 100 yards and cross the finish line like a champ.  People would be wowed by my endurance.  They might think that I cheated.  But, I would fool them be crapping in my pants in the final half mile. That is something I always remember as a child watching the people cross the finsh line or being helped across the finish line after they shit themselves.   I think that to finish a marathon without dumping in your pants is anticlimactic.

3. Why would anyone want to do something that involves the following information that I found on the Chicago Marathon’s webpage on how to prepare.  Take a close look at the last bullet point. 

Medical Director George Chiampas suggests the following preparation for race day:

• Dress appropriately – avoid cotton fabrics, long sleeves and long pants. Wear lightweight, breathable fabrics that will help to keep you cool.

• Wear sunglasses and waterproof sunscreen. With the amount of time you will be on the course, you want to be sure to protect your skin and eyes.

• Pay special attention to hydration. Drink plenty of fluids the day before and morning of the race. Drink enough fluids to maintain your baseline body weight, but be aware of overhydration. If you begin to gain weight above your baseline, you are drinking too much water and depleting your sodium level which is important to maintain.

• Be sure to stay hydrated during the race. Make note of aid stations and prepare to utilize them. You will need to drink more to compensate for the rapid depletion of your body’s fluids in the heat.

• Plan to adjust your pace for the weather. The humidity and heat will require more of your body so a slower pace than planned is recommended in order to get you to the finish line without overheating.

• Most importantly: PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR BODY DURING THE RACE. If at ANY time your body gives you signals to slow down or stop, abide by them. Be aware of your heart rate, body temperature and hydration. If you feel light-headed, dizzy or overheated or experience chest pain, visual disturbances, cramping, vomiting or headache, slow down or stop and consult the medical personnel on the course immediately.

Like I said, Why?  Chest pain. Visual disturbances?  Cramping, vomiting or headache.  These sound like the disclaimers at the end of any erection medication commercial.  Visual Disturbances.  Why would you ever want to do anything that gives you Visual Disturbances.   I don’t know what that is, but I prefer to not find out. 

4.  Almost all women that run in marathons are somewhat or flat out are attractive.  Out of the 20 or so women listed not a one of them possess disturbing traits.  I don’t know what this says, but if I were single I know what I would start doing to meet women.  

I am having an issue with my wife.  She thinks that I need to go to church more since I have made, according to her bad “moral” decisions.  I love her for putting me in my place, but I don’t fully agree with her.  I will fill you in my quandry next week since my quandries may be solved by that time.  We will see.   

 Fun weekend of Church Bingo (tonight) / Balloon Twisting (all day Saturday) / Football (Sunday) 

I might actually TIVO the Chicago Marathon Sunday morning and see if I might catch a glimpse of those who are living the dream. 

Filed under: Church, Pee, Roid Rage juice, achy, balloon, beer, confused, excuse, fun, funny, mean, pain, poop, puke, scared, sleepy, smelly, sore, stink, stupid, train wreck, vomit, weird, wife, work

Hot girl on girl action!

 

Tonight I will get kicked out of the house.  It is rather funny because last week my wife told me that she would be having girlfriends over for dinner.  I thought nothing about it at the time.  For some reason, lately my wife has really been trying to get people to come over to our house for gatherings.  Since we bought a new home one year ago we have had virtually no visitors.  Mostly because life is so chaotic on our part to even think about hosting a party.  Other reasons include not having accomplished our goals yet (new furniture, decorating, etc..) for the house.  Another major reason is that Jeanne’s friends are all in baby making mode.  They all have babies.  My friends all live in the city. (with no babies)  Who wants to drive an hour and 15 minutes out to the suburbs to have a party when you have downtown Chicago?   

I still hadn’t put any thought into the gathering that will be taking place at my house until Jeanne brought it up on Monday.  She asked me if it would be possible for me to not be in the house for the dinner.  I was saddened by this news because Jeanne and her friends are a good looking group of girls.  I won’t lie when I liked the idea of me being the only rooster in the hen house.  I guess experiencing this for the first time would have been a let down anyway because I am sure that all those years of late night free porn would not have unfolded in my house tonight anyway even if I were present.  I guess that is just the way a man thinks…or dreams…either one.   

Jeanne’s reason for not wanting me there is purely based on girl talk.  She fears that the girls will hold back on main topics of conversation because a man would be hanging around.  I told her that I could go into the family room downstairs and play video games and it would be like me not being there but she said that still wouldn’t work.  Seriously though, once I get rolling in a game, I am non existent to the world.  There could seriously be hot girl on girl action (in all humor since I know my wife absolutely hates it when I joke about her and her friends in a sexual manner) upstairs and I would be so focused and worried about chasing the gang banger on my motorcycle for the gunshot to the head before my five minute time runs out on Grand Theft Auto.  But, that still won’t do.  

 Typically when I don’t have the time, I can think of a gazillion things that I would like to do.  But when I am told that I have to go out and do something, I am stumped and annoyed.    

Luckily I realized that Jeanne still had a free pass into Great America that expired on Thursday of this week for a school reading program that she participates in.  My buddy Mike and his Children all have a season pass to Great America, so I called them up and asked it they wanted to go hang out at Great America for the Afternoon.  I am really looking forward to this trip since I have never done the kid thing there.  With Mikes Son who is 4 and Daughter who is 3 we will surely hang out in the children area while going on some of the rides that you enjoy but don’t waste your time with when you have monster roller coasters to attend to.  So, I anticipate on enjoying my afternoon and evening riding on all the fun rides that I never bother with usually.  I have a nice little hump day ahead of me.  I can’t go too crazy thought since I am sure that I will be up late tonight watching video of all of the secret cameras I installed to catch some hot Lingerie pillow fighting battles that might go down tonight in my house while I am not there.  (Seriously, Jeanne, I am just kidding!)    

Filed under: fantasy, free porn, funny, romance, weird, wife

cough sneeze

 

 So, as we were on our tropical destination I wrote about how I had gotten sick the night before we left.  The first few days in Key West were filled with me sleeping in and trying to get as much rest as possible so that I could enjoy the night life.  Nothing makes a cold go away faster than 6-7 nice strawberry margaritas. 

Typically when I am sick, there is a no kiss policy between my wife and I.  Jeanne put a hold on that policy while we were on vacation and you will never believe what happened.  It’s the strangest thing, but Jeanne is now sick.  So, I have now transitioned from being the sick one, to taking care of the sick.  I feel bad because if Jeanne has what I had, then it either mutilated into something much scarier, or Jeanne is much not as good as dealing with it as I was.  I think the one big difference was that when I am sick, Nyquil is my best friend. I usually drink enough to put me into a coma for a full day.  Jeanne will not drink it period.  She has to take it in pills.  Two little Nyquil pills are enough to set me sailing for an hour or two.  I usually drink the equivalent of 8 pills worth.  So, needless to say, I feel bad that I gave it to her, but I don’t feel as bad as I would had it been a scenario where she didn’t bring it on herself.  (did that make sense?)  I feel less bad because she took away the rules of no kissing than had it been my call.  I still feel bad. 

I am still in vacation mode.  Two nights ago I stopped to pick up groceries and I made an extra trip down the liquor isle to price out some Tequila.  I don’t drink Tequila, but it tasted damn good in every single Margarita I drank in Key West.  If I had to guestimate, I bet I drank like a thousand Strawberry Margaritas while on our trip.  Not really.  But seriously around 20 would be more realistic.  There was a period that I actually thought that I could start a blog on The Best and Worst places in Key West to have Strawberry Margaritas.  I feel that I am now a professional.  Now, I have to learn how to make them myself.  I have many tools that will be able to do the trick including the greatest known invention to man, “The Magic Bullett.”  This could turn out to be a Strawberry festival type experience where I have to master the art myself. 

Speaking of the Strawberry festival, I have since learned to make authentic lemon shakeups.  After figuring how badly I was screwed on a damn lemon shakeup, I decided to go out and get me the recipe, which in hindsight made me feel a teeny bit retarted.  Here it is in all it’s glory:

LEMON SHAKE-UP
1/2 lemon 1/4 c. sugar 1/2 c. water 1 c. crushed ice Thoroughly juice the lemon half and cut into quarters. Put both fruit and juice into a 16 ounce disposable glass. Add the sugar, water, and crushed ice. Stir drink by pouring back and forth between two glasses several times. Add very cold water to fill glass, then enjoy.

Thanks to my friends at cooks.com for making my dream a reality:http://www.cooks.com/rec/view/0,194,148175-230203,00.html

So, the first few times I made it, I stuck to the recipe exactly.  After making like a thousand of them (once again an exagerative reference) I now only measure the surgar and go crazy with the rest.  I keep everything I need to make a nice lemon shakeup on the counter at all times, and I have it down to a 45 second art.  Squeeze the lemon (I don’t cut it up, leave it as a half) scoop the sugar, add ice, add water, and pour between two glasses.  Very simple.  Even someone a little slow like myself can create carni-drinks in a jiffy. 

Back to work.  Today is a strange day where it would appear that the sky is falling around me and my comfort zone has taken a serious beating today.  I will fill you in on the details tomorrow. 

Filed under: achy, beer, body, confused, coworker, friend, fun, funny, grouchy, romance, scared, sore, weird, wife, work

Back in the Saddle again…

 

I’m BACK, baby!  Back from the wonderful island that is called Key West.  Actually, I have been back for a few days, but work is a beyotch and I missed a good chunk of business while I was gone, so I have been spending every single minute trying to get caught up. 

The trip was great.  I am going to preface the next story by saying that what I am about to write was discussed in great length with my wife while we are on the trip, so any of you reading this can stifle the thought of telling on me as you read it.

The general overall theme for the trip was Boobs.  Yep, I said it.  Boobs.  You see, I enjoy boobs.  But, this trip was filled with some good boobs and some very bad boobs.  I would say that it was 80 percent bad boobs and 20 percent good.  (19 of the 20percent being my wifes, of course!) I think at one point I told my wife that Key West should also be called “Boobs on Parade”.  I have never openly talked about Boobs before with my wife, but now that we spent a week in Key West I can openly discuss many things with her that I would have never prior to the trip.  We also decided that we are not nearly conservative enough to live in Key West.  Since it seems to be the Gay capital of the United States.  I would guestimate that the majority of the people that live on the island are gay.  Not that there is anything wrong with that, but upon our first dip in the ocean we were greeted by two extremely butch older women making out.  That was just the beginning of many a womanly makeout session that we saw over our trip.  I always thought two women together would be an extrememly hot thing, but they were not filming any of these encounters, that’s for damn sure.  The videos seen in the fraternity house during college do not nearly depict real life.  So, this blog has really started off right!  You couldn’t tell that I am an extremely Catholic and church going individual, could you.  I didn’t feel Catholic while I was down there.  I still feel dirty and Jeanne and I will end up having to spend a good 2-3 hours each with a Priest because of this trip. 

A few more funny items about Boobs and I will put it to bed already.  My favorite T-Shirt that was sold on Duvall Street had the following saying on it: 

“Please tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes.”  CLASSIC.  I almost convinced Jeanne to let me buy that one. I had her about 90% there based on the fact that I promised to only wear it when we were together.  Then I dropped the ball when I said I would wear it to play pool in and then when I went out with my buddies in Chicago.  As a matter of fact, I would honestly wear that shirt everywhere because it was so damn funny.   Our beach was topless.  I saw some of the oldest, nastiest breasts that I had ever seen in my life.  Why is it that the people you don’t want to see take it off and the ones you don’t, do.  That is one of lifes great mysteries.  So, instead of the T-shirt mentioned above, I settled for two other funny ones. 

“I Pee In Pools!” and “The Liver is Evil and Must be Punished!”  I find much humor in those two t-shirts.  I was torn by a few others such as the t-shirt that had an arrow pointing up that said “The Man” and an arrow pointing down that said “The legend” and also the shirt that said “The Gun Show” with arrows pointing out to the arms.  They were all funny. 

While I was in Key West I watched some late night television and I came to a very sad realization.  I came across a show that was all about Hot dogs.  It took you inside a hot dog plant and showed how they were made.  That alone was enough to make me never want a Hot dog again, but what saddened me was that I realized that my parents never loved me the way I thought they had.  Because if they did, they would have never fed me uncooked hot dogs straight out of the package cold.  I am surprised that I never died as a child. 

What else was fun from our trip…let’s see.  We went to a bar called “The Bull”.  While at The Bull, we noticed many people going up a set of stairs to a Rooftop bar called “The Garden of Eden”.  Throughout the hour that we sat and drank, we noticed many men coming down with no shirts on.  Many drunk women came down as well, and it was topped off by two women coming down with no tops on, but flower petals painted on their breasts.  As the two drunk girls walked out onto the street, many people gathered around and asked to take photos.  They were happy to, and over the next 15 minutes it was like Mardis Gras.  Eventually, two cops came over and stood by us and watched.  I looked over to the younger police officer who was maybe 25.  I asked him, “Aren’t you going to arrest them for public indecency?” and the officer responded by smiling at me and said “It’s coverage”.  “We can’t do anything about it.”  My first response, was to say “No Shit?!” The officer proceeded to try and convince my wife why it is o.k. to look but not touch.  The first thought that went through my mind was that it was a good thing that the officer was in uniform, but Jeanne wouldn’t dare kill someone in uniform.  Had that statement come from my mouth I would be rattling off reasons why we shouldn’t get divorced.  After some heated debate between my wife and the officer, they choose to agree to disagree, and the conversation ended with Jeanne basically explaining to the officer that after only one year of marriage he may want to rethink his philosophy or else he might not get to experience many more years of marriage.  Wow. 

More funny stories to follow, I have to get back to task and make some money after the debt I have incurred from our vacation.

Filed under: Church, Cops, Pee, achy, beer, body, confused, free porn, fun, funny, romance, scared, sleepy, stripper, train wreck, weird, wife, work

Under pressure

I posted earlier this week as to what is going on, so hopefully you all will understand about no posting. 

So, last weekend was a blast.  For once I had a visit with my family that went off without any back woods red neck issues.  Last Saturday I fished from 5:00am until 3:00pm and proceeded to fry all the flesh off of my shoulders, neck and head.  Saturday night I met up with an old best friend from Central Illinois to watch his band perform www.rededmund.com and they were very good.  I was pretty impressed at how well they sounded.  It was nice just to see an old friend.  He didn’t even know I was coming, it was purely by surprise.  I even hid on one side of the bar and asked the waitress to send a beer to his table and say that it was from a guy at the other end of the bar who thought he was “cute”.  She came back and told me that he said I should give him a call at “867-5309″ without even seeing me.   Good stuff.  After many beers, a LaBambas visit and a 30 minute spooky ass backwoods drive back to my grandparents on the lake I arrived at 3:00am.  Can’t say I have ever tip-toed into my grandparents large house before. 

I was woken up Sunday morning at 5:30am by my Dad poking me in the stomach trying to wake me like a little kid on Christmas morning.  He wanted to go fish and I am his fishing buddy.  Forget the fact that I only had 2 hours of sleep, he needed to fish.  So I proceeded to scorch the scorched skin from the day before, but this time I wore lots of clothing.  Ended up catching a total of 45 bass in the two days in the boat.  Biggest weighed in at 4 lbs.  Not a bad outing. 

Highlight of the weekend though was taking my Grandfather on my mothers side out to Pizza with my Mom and Aunt.  I have always remembered my aunt Nancy to be a very unhappy woman. (long story about losing my closes cousin in a housefire) I will tell that one later, but she was incredibly fun to be around.  I can’t honestly say that I usually walk away from spending time with my family wishing to see them again in the future, but this time was just a perfect storm. 

The funniest part of the Fathers day was walking next to the Pizza place to the fresh produce stand and recognizing one of my X-aunts on my fathers side of the family.  She was married to my uncle David (fathers brother) and they divorced many years ago.  I hadn’t seen her since I was probably 8 or 9.  She couldn’t believe that it was me.  She looked like shit.  I heard that she was into Meth and heavy duty drugs and it definitely showed.  She is 10 years younger than my mother but she looks 20 years older.  It was nice to see her although the prospect of having 5 lbs of garden fresh tomatoes, corn, and watermelon was more exciting to me than the encounter. 

This week has been a blur.  Funny things have happened here and there.  I either need to start carrying around a notepad or call my voicemail and leave a message about the funny stuff.  I wanted to talk about the aisle at Walmart on Fathers Day in Pekin, Illinois.  I don’t really have to say too much other than that they should hire a banjo player or maybe dueling banjo’s for that aisle.  I have decided that I will never again attempt to purchase a card for a holiday on the day of the holiday from a central Illinois Walmart.  I wish I would have had a camera. 

Tomorrow is the day of balloons.  I have many events and will attempt my longest day of twisting ever.  www.misterd.balloonhq.com

See you on Monday! 

Filed under: In laws, achy, balloon, confused, dad, friend, fun, funny, grouchy, mean, sleepy, smelly, sore, stink, train wreck, weird, wife, work

Let’s end this damn saga

Today I am going to put this baby to bed.  What I thought would be a good idea in rehashing what was a root canal weekend has pretty much turned into another root canal.  Reliving in my mind what was not a great weekend has put me back in the mood that I was in each and every morning of my trip.  Nothing like starting the day off right.  I have found sanctuary in the fact that Jeanne and I will be traveling down to North Carolina for 5 days over the July 4th holiday.  My favorite thing in the entire world is to go out on the beach and watch the sunrise at around 5:30a.m.  while walking in knee deep water.  Last night I found a pretty good picture that is now gracing my dual 19″ monitors that sit before me as I type that makes me salivate for the 4th to come fast.  The picture nails the lighting off the waves that can only be captured at the time the sun rises.  Let’s get going on the finale….

IV.  Sunday 

    A.  Let’s go fishing 

I woke up Sunday morning at 4:15am to hit the road.  The drive from the hotel to my grandparents house on the lake is only 15 minutes, so I decided to swing by Walmart on my way to buy some new lures that I was sure would enhance my fishing experience.  I arrive at my grandparents at 5:00am and my father walked out to greet me as I walked into the house.  We were out on the boat by 5:45 and I had already caught 5 bass by 6:00am.  Could life get any better? 

        a.  Holy fishing Batman! 

I only had until what I thought was around noon to 1:00pm to fish, and Dad and I were doing well.  By noon I had already landed 18 bass and was pretty much ready to be done until my father took us in the boat to the other end of the lake near a beach where we stumbled upon a mega bass filled hotspot.  Over the next hour, I took in another 10 bass and was now being held hostage on the boat by my father because he didn’t want to go in since we were doing so well.  Jeanne was still at the hotel working on her Masters work as well as report cards for the end of year. 

        b.  Where are the damned Cicadas?

I was pretty upset that they hadn’t emerged yet.  Last time I was at my grandparents when the Cicadas were up, I remember catching more fish than ever.  We use the Cicadas for bait, but we did well even without the little insects. 

        c.  Dad, I hate to tell you this but you have Mad Cow disease….

While we were out on the boat, I decided to break the news to him that our bloodline is cursed and that Red Cross will not accept our Blood due to the fact that we have traces of Mad Cow disease in our blood.  http://dennismitchell.wordpress.com/2007/03/28/bad-blood/

http://dennismitchell.wordpress.com/2007/03/30/bad-blood-redux/

My father laughed.  I was borderline humored/pissed off by his response.  The first thing to come out of his mouth, “Well that explains everything….” followed by some serious laughter.  I think that I personally have said that exact same statement 100 times since learning about my long lost connection to my cattle bretheren.  I see a cow now and I can relate. 

        d. Grandpa’s secretly upset. 

After we made our way back inside and the stench of fish was upon us, I decided to sit down and chat with Grandma to confirm what my father had told me on the boat about Grandma showing some serious signs of forgetfullness and possibly signs of Alzheimers.  Grandma asked what Jeanne was up to at the hotel, and I explained that she was so happy to have me out of the hotel room so that she could get some work done.  Grandma replied that that was what she figured since Jeanne finishes her Masters in a month and the end of the schoolyear is upon us.  She said that was what she told Grandpa when he became angry at the fact that I could go fishing for half the day while I had apparently locked Jeanne in the hotel room with no lights and no television chained to the bed against her will being a very bad husband.  He didn’t say all that, but the fact that he thought me leaving her in the hotel at her request was a poor husband choice did kind of shine the light on the fact that my grandfather a. doesn’t know me well enough and b. has such an old school mentality and is still mentally stuck in 1940. 

        e. Grandma’s got alzheimers? 

As I touched upon this in the last bullet.  I had my concerns while chatting with her after fishing, but my concerns were squashed on Monday when she seemed to be back to her normal self. 

        f. Grandpa wants to sell the house? 

This is big news.  They live on around an acre on a lake and it is obviously getting too much for Grandpa to care for as he climbs to be near 80 years old.  They do not need such a large house.  The house has been in the family for 30 years and I couldn’t imagine life in the family without it.  Honestly, Jeanne and I have decided that we will buy it if they decide to sell and none of my aunts and uncles step up to buy it to keep it in the family.  This could seriously be our best shot at a vacation house on a lake.  The house would easily go for 700K to a cool million in the Chicago Suburbs because it is a large beautiful house on a lake, but down there it wouldn’t go for more than 250K.  I think we could find a way to make it happen.

    B.  This isn’t what I signed up for! 

After joining up w/Jeanne we were headed off to the family gathering that was just supposed to be me, Jeanne, mom, Shawn, Chris (older bro), Samantha (his wife), and their 5 beautiful children.  Instead it was all of us, plus Grandpa, aunt and uncle in town from texas, 17 cousins, another uncle and another aunt, my mothers fiance Kurt and his daughter, son and granddaughter.   I don’t know how the crazy math worked out, but in all there was a total of 33 people in the back yard that were all related in some sort of fashion.  Now that I think about it, as much as I rip on it, that has to have been the largest gathering of family members on that side of my family in my lifetime.  It was very reunionish, and honestly, that is not what I had signed up for that day. 

        a.  I have no desire to meet new cousins. 

I did meet a sleu of new cousins that I really was not excited about, although I should have been. 

        b. Meet Billy, your 28 year old cousin with 5 children who pretends to be adopted and not related the the white trashiness that is my family. 

Billy was funny.  We are a red neck family.  At this pseudo reunion, Billy was wearing Khaki pants, a long pressed Ralph Lauren dress shirt, brown leather belt, and brown leather dress shoes.  IT  WAS 85 DEGREES OUT AT A BACK YARD BARBEQUE.  My mom’s fiances 20 year old daughter with a tongue ring and many visible tat’s going through a divorce holding  her one year old said it best when she asked me if he was gay.    The highlight of meeting Billy was him pulling out a Macbook pro laptop at a banjo family reunion and showing pictures on the laptop.  I would bet my life savings that 90 percent of those in attendance had never seen a laptop before.  The icing on the cake was Billy pulling out his family tree software where he traced the family tree back to London.  This pissed many family members off because Grandpa had always told everyone that we had come right off the boat from Ireland.  This debate ended when Billy’s dad said I don’t know where the hell you got that info, but Grandpa would know where we come from.  I believe Billy. 

        c.  Once again, this isn’t what I or my mother/mother’s fiancee signed up for.   

Kurt, my mom’s future hubby were supposed to be at his house on the mississippi for the weekend, and instead were hosting a party.  Kurt was not happy.                                                                 

        d.  Mom has already had too much

not much to add her.  What is new.  Mom was happy by 6:00. 

        e.  Why are they sending my wife and sister in law to the store to buy my mom’s fiancee some whiskey? 

This scared me

        f.  Let’s take Shawn(little brother who was back from the Military on leave) out for drinks for the first time ever since he is now 21 so we can get away from the banjo music that is my family gathering before the whiskey is opened. 

Not much to add here.  We went down to Peoria for drinks on the Illinois River.  It was fun to have beers with my little bro for the first time. 

V.  Monday

    A.  Let’s see my little bro off to the Airport! 

        a. What’s wrong Shawn? 

They arrived at my hotel to say good bye and Shawn was in tears.  Apparently he and Mom had gotten into a fight that morning. 

        b. What’s wrong Mom? 

When seeing her Son now heading back to the military for another year crying, she too started crying and I can only describe the moment as awkward. 

        c. Why is everyone crying?  

        d.  Let’s go hang with the relatively normal side of the family.  

We went back to the Grandparents on the lake and had a nice lunch while chatting on the back deck for a few hours.  It was nice to wrap up the trip on a normal note. 

    B.  Let’s head home. 

        a.Let’s pick up my car that we left at Jeanne’s  fathers on Friday. 

When we got back into town, we swung by the father in laws to pick up my car and drive home seperately.  Jeanne apparently wanted to stay there for a while while I was anxious to get home and relax from a long crazy ass weekend. 

        b. Let’s piss off the wife. 

It became obvious to Jeanne that I wanted to leave, so she said to go ahead and go.  I didn’t think twice and hit the road.  Jeanne stayed and had dinner with her father.  I learned later that night that Jeanne was upset by my quick departure.  I remember something being said like “I visited with your crazy ass family for the whole weekend, and you can’t give my father an hour of your time?”  That is not what she said, but that is how I heard it.  Loud and clear.  She was right, and I felt bad. 

        c.  Let’s just get home and lick our wounds from this retarded weekend. 

Amen. 

Sorry for the length in this odyssey.  It was a crazy weekend that needed to be told.  Maybe we could make a made for TV drama about it.  This could have seriously been an extra 5 posts but I had to get it out before the weekend.  I think I am breaking a monster blogging rule in length, but it’s my blog, my story and my life. 

Let the weekend begin!

Filed under: Blood, In laws, achy, beer, cicada, confused, dad, excuse, fight, friend, fun, funny, grouchy, mad cow, mean, pain, scared, sleepy, smelly, sore, stink, train wreck, weird, wife

Let’s hit the road!

 In continuance of the holiday saga weekend today I will cover my last Saturday and the comedy of errors that was the trip down to see the family. 

III.  Saturday 

    A.  Travel day…I thought. 

After the debacle that was the Friday night wedding, and the fact that we were home relatively early from a function that included open bar (suprising even for me!) I thought that we would be able to hit the road early Saturday for our 4 hour trek to central Illinois.  Now that I think about the open bar bit, I am shocked that I left an event with an open bar.  If you were to ask me at any given time what I would do to have access to an unlimited supply of alcohol, I would say that I would clean a sewer for an hour for access to that.  I would chill out in a black leather see through mesh shirt men wearing spike collars and leashes gay bar and not care as long as the drinks would continuously be poured.  It saddens me to think back at the opportunity I passed on simply because of some porn star kissing.  What kind of panzie am I? 

 a.  Lets clean house/cat puke/cat pee/cat poop/litterboxes/vacuum/shampoo carpet/mop/dishes/laundry/pack before we leave. 

Anyway, Jeanne and I ended up sort of sleeping in Saturday morning.  I knew that I have to take on the task of cleaning up cat yak and cleaning out the litter boxes before we hit the road as well as pack, so I anticipated a 10-11am departure.  That was not the case.  For some reason my wife turned into Super house cleaning lady and went berzerk on the house.  Not that that is all bad, but when she turns into the cleaning monster, I can not just sit on the couch and watch tv.  I am forced into the closet where I put on my frilly apron and become her super hero cleaning side kick.  7 hours later, the house had been bent over by our supercleaningpowers and almost looked cleaner than it ever had.  This made Jeanne happy.  She could now feel easy about our trip knowing that she would come home to a very neat and germ villan free home on Monday evening.  We ended up leaving at 3:00pm.  (5 hours later than originally anticipated) 

The drive down pretty much sucked.  Not many other ways to say it.  As we left Chicago, the news reports were saying that a Tornado warning was in effect for Grundy and Will counties for the next 20 minutes.  Jeanne asked me if we were driving in that direction and I said no.  She asked me if I was sure, and I thought I was pretty sure.  Little did I know but 30 minutes later I saw a Grundy County sign.  We were driving right into the storm that had already produced a tornado.  By this time though, they had canceled the Tornado Warning and had scaled it down to a severe Thunderstorm warning.  We made it through without anything other than rain.  Half way down my mother had called to inform us that she was heading over to my grandfathers camper on the lake in Canton to meet with my aunt, uncle, and cousins that were in town from Texas for a funeral.  This added an extra 45 minutes to the drive which was just grand.  It was rainy out which made the drive that much better.  By the time we approached Pontiac, Jeanne mentioned that she needed to use the restroom.  I personally don’t know what is up with women and having to pee so much but this is something that I hear is not just a Scott family issue on roadtrips.  So, as we approached Bloomington/Normal there were the freakiest looking clouds raining down bolts of lightning over the town.  I asked her if she could wait as I did not want to exit and drive into the storm and that was a big negative to that answer.  So, we drove straight into the storm and it was probably the worst storm I had ever driven into.  Lightning, Thunder, Rain, Flooding, and then Hail.  (I use caps to try and stress the craziness that ensued.)  We tried to tune into the weather to hear about how we were going to be tossed by a tornado and have our lives viciously ended by mother nature.  Jeanne asked for me to pull over, but I wanted to get somewhere that we could go in just in case, so I continued to drive.  We pulled up along a beer truck…beeeeeer….and the truck in the right lane hit a flooded stretch of road and launched the biggest wave over our car and we were now driving 40 mph in pure blindness.  I slammed on the brakes and Jeanne screamed in a horrific manner.  I decided to pull over under a gas station so Jeanne could go inside and use the facilities as well as wait out the storm.  After 10 minutes it had pretty much cleared.  We continued on our path and then….

       b.  almost die in tornado wielding storms on drive down to central Illinois. 

…once we got back on the highway we noticed even crazier clouds. These were low and swirly.  I know storms and I am not usually afraid, but this was easily one that was ready to spawn a funnel.  We hit hail again, saw a police officer and a car pulled under and overpass, and when the wind hit us at around 60 mph we pulled over quickly under the overpass.  Scary shit.  Within another 5 minutes the scary stuff had passed and we were on our way. 

    B.  See family drink 

We finally made it to Canton and saw the family.  If my family were to be created into little plastic figures, they would come equipped with little plastic pieces in the form of beer cans that would snap into the hand that is perfectly formed to hold a beer.  I can’t really recall a family gathering that didn’t focus on the consumption of alcohol beverages.  So, we hung for a few hours and then decided to head back to Pekin to check in the hotel and prepare for what was sure to be a difficult Sunday.  I will finished up the weekend saga tomorrow in my final post of the week. 

On a different note, can you believe that Miss America fell on her ass in front of the world during the Miss Universe pageant?  It wasn’t like she was attempting a triple lutz or a double sowcow.  The woman was simply walking in a dress during the evening gown segment.  Way to represent! I think that next year for the Miss America competition, we should include a difficult walking circumstances portion to the competition.  That way we will know for sure that we have a good walker for future Miss Universe competitions. 

Filed under: Cats, Pee, achy, beer, confused, excuse, fight, fun, funny, grouchy, mean, scared, sore, train wreck, weird, wikipedia