Tree shopping and puke

Today I feel sick to my stomach.  As a matter of fact, I might yack.  A girl that has been with my company for just a shade over 8 years and has to be at least a good 3 years younger than me is retiring today.  Yep, I said it.  She is retiring today.  She won’t admit it, but she is quitting at the age of 28 for no reason at all.  Her husband works here as well.  They both started here right out of college and benefitted from the sale of our company so much that she feels that there is no reason for her to work any more.   I don’t know why this bothers me so much.  Lately, the feeling of jealousy has been rearing it’s ugly head into my life on a frequent basis.  I should be happy for her, but for some reason, the thought of her being able to wake up in the morning, roll out of bed, turn on The Price is Right while eating breakfast in her “jammies” without a worry about having to pay a bill strikes the jealous nerve in me.  I have debated for a few weeks about what I might consider for New Years Resolutions this year, and I think the whole less jealous thing needs to be pretty high up on that list. 

I hate resolutions.  I never do them because I think they are stupid.  They have been ruined time after time by fatties and smokers that announce to the world that they are going to lose weight/quit smoking only to be seen by me and the rest of the world choking down enough food that would feed Beeju in South Africa for a month or toking on a cigarette while coughing out an explanation as to why they didn’t succeed in their resolution.  But this year, I will try it out.  I am still working out the details, but I want to privately note the resolutions and see if I can hit them.  I don’t plan on telling anyone I know about it for fear of others looking upon me as I break each of them 2 days after my proclimation.  Maybe this year I will aim low and gradually work my way up to a challenge. 

Wednesday night my wife and I went out to buy our Christmas Tree.  Until Jeanne and I met she had never had a real tree.  I personally believe that decorating a slaughtered tree while creating a fire hazard should be part of every household’s Christmas celebration. 

This year She and I thought it would be fun to “rough it” and actually go out and chop a tree down at a Christmas tree farm.  Nothing makes you feel more like a man than cutting down a tree…that and effectively pulling off a dutch oven on your wife… Unfortunately the craziness of Christmas hit us before we realized that she and I did not have the time to make the tree chopping down trip happen.  So we decided to buy from one of those guys that live in a trailer while selling trees.  So, on Wednesday night we bundled up, went out to dinner and then set out on our mission to find the perfect tree.  I went to the exteme to even get those little packets that chemically heat up your hands so that our hands would freeze while picking out a tree.  The funny part about the whole experience was as we pulled into the tree lot there was this one tree that completely stood out from the rest and it was honestly the largest and most beautiful Christmas tree we had ever seen.  Knowing that it was a White Pine, I told my wife that we should expect the 10′ White Pine variety to be around 80-100 bucks based on my past experiences with tree buying.  Before I was even able to step out of the car, a guy stepped out of the trailer to assist and I asked the question, “how much for the white pine?”  “$50.00″ he said, and I replied with a loud “SOLD!”  He laughed and proceeded to do everything they do to a tree while I ran into the trailer to pay for the tree.  By the time I returned to the car the guy from outside was nearly done strapping the tree to the top of our car and had moved on to comedy hour telling my wife about funny tree stories. Jeanne never even left the car once. What a deal!  Quick, friendly, cheap, and funny…all wrapped up in a 10 minute Tree shopping experience.  What a deal.  For the guys bad Christmas tree jokes and quick strapping method I gave him a nice tip and handed him my chemical hand warmer packets saying we wouldn’t be needing them.  I don’t think he was an educated fellow because he was confusded how a little packet of powder could produce something so hot. It’s Christmas magic I said and we were off with our new Beautiful tree.  Overall, a nice little tree shopping experience.  I would love to explore the lifestyle of these guys that live in a trailer for 5 weeks out of the year while selling Christmas trees, but I will do that in a later post. 

Fun weekend ahead.  Tomorrow we have Jeanne’s Masters graduation ceremony.  It just dawned on me that maybe I should buy her a gift.  Wow.  Saturday night Christmas Shopping and Sunday will be filled with Church and Football.   Hopefully I will be able to squeeze a drink in there somewhere.  This morning I went to the doctor to get a physical for the first time in over 10 years.  Funny stories are bound to happen any time you drop your drawers for another man and are told to cough. 

Have a great weekend!

Filed under: Church, Gay, fun, grouchy, latex, puke, stupid, train wreck, weird, wife, work

Run Forrest, RUN!

 

I have killed the last 30 minutes looking online at my fellow coworkers who are stupid…er…I mean brave enough to run the Chicago Marathon this Sunday.  At the office I have a directory that allows me to type in the name and see the face.  When I received this email several thoughts went racing through my mind. 

1.  Why?  Why run?  I understand the health benefits.  But it’s just hard.  I am too fat. 

2.  I hope some of the people that I saw online have lost some weight since the photos, because if I can’t do it, then I doubt these people can.  I just think the overweight employees registered and have no plan on finishing.  If I wasn’t a football fan or a cub fan I might enter just to say I did it.  Did you guys see the office last week?  I would do what Creed, Stanley, and a few others did during the start of the Marathon.  I would start out running but pull up into an alley and jump in a cab.  I would then have the cab drive me to the local watering hole where I would drink beers and smoke a pack of cigarettes until a realistic time of crossing the finish line.  Then I would jump back in a cab and have him drive me to to about 2/3 of a mile away from the finish line.  Why 2/3 of a mile?  Because 2/3 of a mile to me is equivalent to running 26.2 miles.  But, I would push it in the final 100 yards and cross the finish line like a champ.  People would be wowed by my endurance.  They might think that I cheated.  But, I would fool them be crapping in my pants in the final half mile. That is something I always remember as a child watching the people cross the finsh line or being helped across the finish line after they shit themselves.   I think that to finish a marathon without dumping in your pants is anticlimactic.

3. Why would anyone want to do something that involves the following information that I found on the Chicago Marathon’s webpage on how to prepare.  Take a close look at the last bullet point. 

Medical Director George Chiampas suggests the following preparation for race day:

• Dress appropriately – avoid cotton fabrics, long sleeves and long pants. Wear lightweight, breathable fabrics that will help to keep you cool.

• Wear sunglasses and waterproof sunscreen. With the amount of time you will be on the course, you want to be sure to protect your skin and eyes.

• Pay special attention to hydration. Drink plenty of fluids the day before and morning of the race. Drink enough fluids to maintain your baseline body weight, but be aware of overhydration. If you begin to gain weight above your baseline, you are drinking too much water and depleting your sodium level which is important to maintain.

• Be sure to stay hydrated during the race. Make note of aid stations and prepare to utilize them. You will need to drink more to compensate for the rapid depletion of your body’s fluids in the heat.

• Plan to adjust your pace for the weather. The humidity and heat will require more of your body so a slower pace than planned is recommended in order to get you to the finish line without overheating.

• Most importantly: PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR BODY DURING THE RACE. If at ANY time your body gives you signals to slow down or stop, abide by them. Be aware of your heart rate, body temperature and hydration. If you feel light-headed, dizzy or overheated or experience chest pain, visual disturbances, cramping, vomiting or headache, slow down or stop and consult the medical personnel on the course immediately.

Like I said, Why?  Chest pain. Visual disturbances?  Cramping, vomiting or headache.  These sound like the disclaimers at the end of any erection medication commercial.  Visual Disturbances.  Why would you ever want to do anything that gives you Visual Disturbances.   I don’t know what that is, but I prefer to not find out. 

4.  Almost all women that run in marathons are somewhat or flat out are attractive.  Out of the 20 or so women listed not a one of them possess disturbing traits.  I don’t know what this says, but if I were single I know what I would start doing to meet women.  

I am having an issue with my wife.  She thinks that I need to go to church more since I have made, according to her bad “moral” decisions.  I love her for putting me in my place, but I don’t fully agree with her.  I will fill you in my quandry next week since my quandries may be solved by that time.  We will see.   

 Fun weekend of Church Bingo (tonight) / Balloon Twisting (all day Saturday) / Football (Sunday) 

I might actually TIVO the Chicago Marathon Sunday morning and see if I might catch a glimpse of those who are living the dream. 

Filed under: Church, Pee, Roid Rage juice, achy, balloon, beer, confused, excuse, fun, funny, mean, pain, poop, puke, scared, sleepy, smelly, sore, stink, stupid, train wreck, vomit, weird, wife, work

Holy bicycle flip batman!

 

The weekend is over.  And I must say that my weekend for not doing anything extraordinary was the perfect blend of fun and excitement without having anything scheduled. 

Friday started off the weekend right.  I wrote about Schief’s birthday party that was in a Hookah bar.  The plan was to go to Schief’s place, drink for a few hours and then hit the hookah scene.  I arrived at Schief’s place expecting to be able to change, shave, and get dressed only to have him answer his phone to buzz me in stating that he wasn’t home, but that they were already at the hookah bar.  I drove a good 15 minutes out of my way to go to his place only to be told that they forgot to update me that they were leaving much earlier.  So, I changed in my car, and sported 4 days of beardage to the bar.  I must say that smoking out of a hooka is not for me.  I sat on the floor with out shoes on around a midget table with 12 others for 4 hours while they all puffed on a pipe.  The interesting thing to me was the fact that the majority of my friends that smoked this thing were not smokers.  They all too probably 100 drags on this thing over the course of 4 hours.  I guess the smoker in me has been scarred by the many nights of smoking a pack of cigarettes in one night and coughing up a lung the next morning.  How could you inhale all of that smoke and not hurt the next day?  I tried it.  I took two seperate pulls on it, and I must admit that it didn’t feel like smoking.  It felt more like flavored oxygen with smoke that came out of your mouth when you exhale.  They went with blueberry tobacco with Rum in the Hookah for added flavor.  They reloaded with Jasmine lemon.  Pretty cool.  My favorite part of the Hookah experience came as we were leaving to go to another bar. 

I have to start a new paragraph and set the scene for this very interesting moment in my life.  It was now 11:45PM and I am walking alone to my car that is parked 4 blocks away on a residential street.  I start walking north on a street when I noticed a large man bicycle rider coming from my right (heading West).  He was going very fast and he wasn’t slowing down for the 4 way stop as he rode past me.  I noticed that he was wearing a camo shirt and green shorts, which is as dumb as you can get when riding a bike at midnight.  As he neared the intersection I noiced the SUV that had stopped for the stopsign start to drive forward without seeing the bike rider on the sidewalk behind the row of cars parked on the street.  This is when everything went into slow motion.  I saw the bike rider headed for a dead on collission for the SUV and then it happened.  The bike rider slammed on his breaks, but ended up flying off of his bike and clipped the back end of the SUV as it drove by.  The guy ended up going head first onto the pavement and let out a big moan as he hit the ground.  I immediately looked around and realized like 4 other people saw the exact same thing I had.  We all immediately rushed to the guy laying on the ground and some of the others went to block the other cars that were heading in our direction to apparently finish the job that the SUV didn’t.  They guy continued to moan and we started to ask if we should call 911.  As he came to rolling on the ground, he started to talk in a very moaning manner.  I thought he was going to ask to use my phone to call a loved one as he lays on the ground dying, or if we could call someone for him, but no.  The first words that came out of his mouth with 8-10 people now standing around him is….”Does anyone have a smoke?”  We all wen’t from looks of concern on our face to looking at each other saying what the F?  It was then that it dawned on us that this very large man, rolling on the pavement, was incredibly drunk.  As he started to try and stand up, our sorry feelings disappeared, and one guy picked up his bike and carried it to the tree and leaned it against it.  The guy started to feel if any bones were broke and said that he should be fine.  This is when he started to cry.  I don’t mean crying because of pain.  He started crying like a baby.  Sobbing and moaning.  It was at this moment that we all realized that they guy has issues,  and it was time for my departure from this surreal experience.  This man was 1 second late for a date with death due to riding drunk on a bike.  I am just glad that I didn’t witness something that could have been much worst than it turned out to be. 

So, I went on my way semi laughing at what I had just experienced and headed uptown to a German Bar where I had my first run in with “Das boot”.  I will fill you in on this portion tomorrow since I’s gots to gets backs to work. 

Filed under: Blood, Schief, beer, body, confused, fun, grouchy, mean, pain, scared, sore, train wreck, weird, work

cough sneeze

 

 So, as we were on our tropical destination I wrote about how I had gotten sick the night before we left.  The first few days in Key West were filled with me sleeping in and trying to get as much rest as possible so that I could enjoy the night life.  Nothing makes a cold go away faster than 6-7 nice strawberry margaritas. 

Typically when I am sick, there is a no kiss policy between my wife and I.  Jeanne put a hold on that policy while we were on vacation and you will never believe what happened.  It’s the strangest thing, but Jeanne is now sick.  So, I have now transitioned from being the sick one, to taking care of the sick.  I feel bad because if Jeanne has what I had, then it either mutilated into something much scarier, or Jeanne is much not as good as dealing with it as I was.  I think the one big difference was that when I am sick, Nyquil is my best friend. I usually drink enough to put me into a coma for a full day.  Jeanne will not drink it period.  She has to take it in pills.  Two little Nyquil pills are enough to set me sailing for an hour or two.  I usually drink the equivalent of 8 pills worth.  So, needless to say, I feel bad that I gave it to her, but I don’t feel as bad as I would had it been a scenario where she didn’t bring it on herself.  (did that make sense?)  I feel less bad because she took away the rules of no kissing than had it been my call.  I still feel bad. 

I am still in vacation mode.  Two nights ago I stopped to pick up groceries and I made an extra trip down the liquor isle to price out some Tequila.  I don’t drink Tequila, but it tasted damn good in every single Margarita I drank in Key West.  If I had to guestimate, I bet I drank like a thousand Strawberry Margaritas while on our trip.  Not really.  But seriously around 20 would be more realistic.  There was a period that I actually thought that I could start a blog on The Best and Worst places in Key West to have Strawberry Margaritas.  I feel that I am now a professional.  Now, I have to learn how to make them myself.  I have many tools that will be able to do the trick including the greatest known invention to man, “The Magic Bullett.”  This could turn out to be a Strawberry festival type experience where I have to master the art myself. 

Speaking of the Strawberry festival, I have since learned to make authentic lemon shakeups.  After figuring how badly I was screwed on a damn lemon shakeup, I decided to go out and get me the recipe, which in hindsight made me feel a teeny bit retarted.  Here it is in all it’s glory:

LEMON SHAKE-UP
1/2 lemon 1/4 c. sugar 1/2 c. water 1 c. crushed ice Thoroughly juice the lemon half and cut into quarters. Put both fruit and juice into a 16 ounce disposable glass. Add the sugar, water, and crushed ice. Stir drink by pouring back and forth between two glasses several times. Add very cold water to fill glass, then enjoy.

Thanks to my friends at cooks.com for making my dream a reality:http://www.cooks.com/rec/view/0,194,148175-230203,00.html

So, the first few times I made it, I stuck to the recipe exactly.  After making like a thousand of them (once again an exagerative reference) I now only measure the surgar and go crazy with the rest.  I keep everything I need to make a nice lemon shakeup on the counter at all times, and I have it down to a 45 second art.  Squeeze the lemon (I don’t cut it up, leave it as a half) scoop the sugar, add ice, add water, and pour between two glasses.  Very simple.  Even someone a little slow like myself can create carni-drinks in a jiffy. 

Back to work.  Today is a strange day where it would appear that the sky is falling around me and my comfort zone has taken a serious beating today.  I will fill you in on the details tomorrow. 

Filed under: achy, beer, body, confused, coworker, friend, fun, funny, grouchy, romance, scared, sore, weird, wife, work

Back in the Saddle again…

 

I’m BACK, baby!  Back from the wonderful island that is called Key West.  Actually, I have been back for a few days, but work is a beyotch and I missed a good chunk of business while I was gone, so I have been spending every single minute trying to get caught up. 

The trip was great.  I am going to preface the next story by saying that what I am about to write was discussed in great length with my wife while we are on the trip, so any of you reading this can stifle the thought of telling on me as you read it.

The general overall theme for the trip was Boobs.  Yep, I said it.  Boobs.  You see, I enjoy boobs.  But, this trip was filled with some good boobs and some very bad boobs.  I would say that it was 80 percent bad boobs and 20 percent good.  (19 of the 20percent being my wifes, of course!) I think at one point I told my wife that Key West should also be called “Boobs on Parade”.  I have never openly talked about Boobs before with my wife, but now that we spent a week in Key West I can openly discuss many things with her that I would have never prior to the trip.  We also decided that we are not nearly conservative enough to live in Key West.  Since it seems to be the Gay capital of the United States.  I would guestimate that the majority of the people that live on the island are gay.  Not that there is anything wrong with that, but upon our first dip in the ocean we were greeted by two extremely butch older women making out.  That was just the beginning of many a womanly makeout session that we saw over our trip.  I always thought two women together would be an extrememly hot thing, but they were not filming any of these encounters, that’s for damn sure.  The videos seen in the fraternity house during college do not nearly depict real life.  So, this blog has really started off right!  You couldn’t tell that I am an extremely Catholic and church going individual, could you.  I didn’t feel Catholic while I was down there.  I still feel dirty and Jeanne and I will end up having to spend a good 2-3 hours each with a Priest because of this trip. 

A few more funny items about Boobs and I will put it to bed already.  My favorite T-Shirt that was sold on Duvall Street had the following saying on it: 

“Please tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes.”  CLASSIC.  I almost convinced Jeanne to let me buy that one. I had her about 90% there based on the fact that I promised to only wear it when we were together.  Then I dropped the ball when I said I would wear it to play pool in and then when I went out with my buddies in Chicago.  As a matter of fact, I would honestly wear that shirt everywhere because it was so damn funny.   Our beach was topless.  I saw some of the oldest, nastiest breasts that I had ever seen in my life.  Why is it that the people you don’t want to see take it off and the ones you don’t, do.  That is one of lifes great mysteries.  So, instead of the T-shirt mentioned above, I settled for two other funny ones. 

“I Pee In Pools!” and “The Liver is Evil and Must be Punished!”  I find much humor in those two t-shirts.  I was torn by a few others such as the t-shirt that had an arrow pointing up that said “The Man” and an arrow pointing down that said “The legend” and also the shirt that said “The Gun Show” with arrows pointing out to the arms.  They were all funny. 

While I was in Key West I watched some late night television and I came to a very sad realization.  I came across a show that was all about Hot dogs.  It took you inside a hot dog plant and showed how they were made.  That alone was enough to make me never want a Hot dog again, but what saddened me was that I realized that my parents never loved me the way I thought they had.  Because if they did, they would have never fed me uncooked hot dogs straight out of the package cold.  I am surprised that I never died as a child. 

What else was fun from our trip…let’s see.  We went to a bar called “The Bull”.  While at The Bull, we noticed many people going up a set of stairs to a Rooftop bar called “The Garden of Eden”.  Throughout the hour that we sat and drank, we noticed many men coming down with no shirts on.  Many drunk women came down as well, and it was topped off by two women coming down with no tops on, but flower petals painted on their breasts.  As the two drunk girls walked out onto the street, many people gathered around and asked to take photos.  They were happy to, and over the next 15 minutes it was like Mardis Gras.  Eventually, two cops came over and stood by us and watched.  I looked over to the younger police officer who was maybe 25.  I asked him, “Aren’t you going to arrest them for public indecency?” and the officer responded by smiling at me and said “It’s coverage”.  “We can’t do anything about it.”  My first response, was to say “No Shit?!” The officer proceeded to try and convince my wife why it is o.k. to look but not touch.  The first thought that went through my mind was that it was a good thing that the officer was in uniform, but Jeanne wouldn’t dare kill someone in uniform.  Had that statement come from my mouth I would be rattling off reasons why we shouldn’t get divorced.  After some heated debate between my wife and the officer, they choose to agree to disagree, and the conversation ended with Jeanne basically explaining to the officer that after only one year of marriage he may want to rethink his philosophy or else he might not get to experience many more years of marriage.  Wow. 

More funny stories to follow, I have to get back to task and make some money after the debt I have incurred from our vacation.

Filed under: Church, Cops, Pee, achy, beer, body, confused, free porn, fun, funny, romance, scared, sleepy, stripper, train wreck, weird, wife, work

Happy blow your hand off day!

Happy Independence day!  I can’t help but think about all of our soldiers over seas putting their lives on the line to make our country as well as other places in this world a much safer place.  I also think about my little brother who is still going through training for the Army.  Big shout out to Shawn who called me to let me know that he won Soldier of the Month at Fort San Antone (sp?) I don’t know what that really means but I take it as he is kickin ass and takin names down there.

This day also makes me think of my favorite central Illinois joke:

Q: What did the redneck say before he died?

A:  Hey!  Watch this!

So, this morning I find myself waking up in an incredibly small hotel room in what I have been told is the Southen Most resort in the entire United States.  The resort is called “The Southernmost Resort”.  I have no idea how they came up with that name.  Must have been an incredibly short marketing meeting on that one.

I am incredibly sick.  I have not gotten a head cold in over 8 months and one decideds to try and ruin my vacation on the night before we left.  I am OD’ing on vitamins and trying to kick this thing.

We got into Miami right in the middle of a storm.  It was the most horrific flight that Jeanne has ever taken.  As we were almost ready to touchdown on the runway for the landing we hit some sort of wind gust that blew us off the runway, and we immediately floored it and took off again without the wheels even touching the ground.  This caused the plane to uncomfortably incline at an angle that we thought would surely cause this mosterous piece of metal to flip and kill us all.  I may still have nail marks in my right hand and discovered that Jeanne and I will never have to take breathing lessons when we start having children.

The pilot told us that he was going to give a different runway with wind a go, but that was a lie because we landed at the exact same spot.  After sitting on the tarmac for over an hour due to lightning and waiting for our bags for an additional hour, we finally got our Mustang Convertible at 10:15PM EST to start our 4 hour drive down the Florida Keys to Key West.  It was still storming pretty bad, so we really didn’t get to enjoy the convertible so much.  I took the top down after it stopped storming, but it was still to chilly for Jeanne.

We got the key to our room at 2:45 this morning and I have yet to leave the house and see the beautiful sun and beach.  More to follow on this trip.

Have a wonderful holiday and be safe if you are launching off your own thunderboomers.

Filed under: fun, romance, scared, sleepy, wife

You are the last dragon…

 

 Can I just say that the movie “The Last Dragon” is one of the greatest movies of all time.  I haven’t seen it in like 10 years, but I keep thinking back at that movie and I recognize something amazing in someone.  For those of you who have seen it, you will remeber “The Glow”. 

 

 (spoiler alrert!  the picture gives away the ending)  For those who have not, the entire movieline is based on a young martial artist who is trying to achieve “The Glow” or become a Master martial arts person.   Once he has mastered all there is, he could take on a “Bruce Lee like Glow”.  Or something like that.  So anyway, lately when I see someone who has truly mastered whatever it is that they are doing, I recognize that “Glow”.  It’s kind of weird.  I wonder when I glow.  Is it when I twist balloons?  When I am playing pool extraordinarily well?  When I exhibit love for my wife? 

When do you “Glow”?  That is a question that I think we should all ask ourselves.  Believe it or not, I think we all have something that we glow about without realizing it.  Sorry for the cheesyness but I can’t seem to get those thoughts out of my mind lately.

I have a sore tooth.  I have to chew out of the right side of my mouth.  I just know the tooth is going to completely crack while I am in Key West. 

Speaking about things I have not gotten done before the trip, I have a mole on my back that I planned on having removed.  It is too late now because it will not have time to heal before this Tuesday.  I tell Jeanne that it has become a part of me, and that it is not that bad.  Her response was one that I will never forget.  She told me a story about one time that I fell asleep on my stomach and my cat Mr. Wesgrs (don’t ask) started batting at it on my back and trying to play with it because he thought it was a bug.  I couldn’t help but break out in some serious laughter because it would not surprise me if this was true.  Actually, I know it’s true because you don’t just make shit like that up. 

One more random story and I will sign off for the weekend.  This morning on the radio, Eric and Kathy were doing a segment called “and then the police showed up”.  Callers were calling in to share stories about funny situation they were caught up in where the police came.  The best story won tickets to go see the Police this upcoming Thursday at Wrigley Field.  I know I lost a firm grip on my man card by admitting that I listen to Eric and Kathy in the mornings, but I think it is better than listening to the Teeny Bopper DJ’s in the morning that play rap music and cater to the preteens.  I think I have a good mix of listening.  Eric and Kathy in the morning for the humor factor to start my day.  Mac, Jurko & Harry on the way home for my Sports news info.  I trump the gayness of my mornings with the hardcore sports talk in the evening.  Or something like that. 

Anyway, this mornings segment reminded me of a hillarious story that I wanted to call in and share, but by the time it hit me, the bit was almost over.  When I was slinging Yellow Page advertising around I would spend my entire day in the car.  I would average around 100 miles a day in windshied time and because my territory wasn’t near my home (45-60 minute drive).  Sometimes there would be a two hour break inbetween appointments, so I became a car nap connoisseur.  There was nothing quite like blasting the AC on a hot summer day, tilting back the seat and dozing off.  I would typically listen to Kevin Matthews because I was as addicted to him on the radio as I have ever been to anyone until he left me for some radio station in Michigan.  On a side note, I can not count the number of times I would be woken up by someone knocking on my window asking me if I was “OK”.  I hated when this would happen, because it would usually interrupt a great nap.  I had several people say that they thought I died while the car was running.  Funny stuff.   So, on this particular day I had a gap between appointments and looked for the nearest large parking lot.  I found one that was down a grass hill from a building and pulled in.  I found a corner spot (better positioning so that cars can only park on one side of you to lessen the number of people that could potentially think you have died) and on this one day, I didn’t recline the seat back far at all.  I had my sunglasses on and proceeded to doze off.  I heard a knock on my window and looked up and it was a police officer looking in my car.  I immediately looked around and saw that my car had been blocked in my two squad cars to prevent any sort of escape.  I had 4 officers walking around my car staring in my windows and it was probably the worst awakening I have to date experienced in my life.  I rolled the window down and one of the officers asked me what I was doing there.  I proceeded to explain the “nap” thing and that my next appointment was at a location less than a block away.  They asked for my drivers license, insurance, and a “business card” to confirm my story.  It was at that moment that I looked up to see what building I was parked near, and it was a bank in Wheaton.  It all became clear to me what was going on at that moment.  I thought that the bank may have just been held up, but why would a robber go back to their car and take a nap?  The Narcoleptic bandit?  I don’t think so.  The police called my office to confirm I was an employee and they called the business that I had an appointment with to confirm that aspect of the story as well.  It all checked out.  After I was cleared, they explained to me that the bank that I was parked near had been knocked over 2 times in the last month by “The Wheaton Bandit”.  I apparently fit the description of what he might have looked like, so they thought I was scoping out my next heist.  Funny Shit.  I was told by the officers to never park in a Wheaton Bank parking lot again while I kill time becuase apparently the people in the bank were getting prepared for me to come in and rob them.  I wonder what they were doing.  I often wonder what types of steps they took after about 15 minutes when they saw that I was sitting there watching the bank, which I wasn’t, but I had sunglasses on, so they didn’t know I was dozing off.  That was definitely the most unusual situation I have ever been in involving the police, and I can easily say that not only did I not pull off in a bank parking lot to take a nap ever again, but I stayed the hell away from Wheaton, Illinois.  It is defintely a “no Illinois nap town”. 

Have a great pre Fourth of July weekend.  I am amidst a week of drunkeness.  Tue, Thur, Fri, and Sat are all days this week that have and will include drinking, so it is a good week.  I will catch up with you on Monday unless something nutty happens this weekend that prompts me to jump on. 

Filed under: Cats, Cops, Schief, The Glow, beer, billiard, confused, fun, grouchy, romance, train wreck, weird, wife, wikipedia

whattaweekend!!!

Wow!  What a weekend!  I can happily say that I had one of the most enjoyable weekends with the wifey in recent memory.  We had an action packed weekend and we were able to mix it up with some quality time together and we stuck the weekend better than a Kerri Strugg gimp vault for the gold. 

I don’t think I could have crammed any more fun into the weekend.  Friday started off great because Jeanne and I had dinner together and then she was off to bed early because of a 4:30am start Saturday morning for some test she needed to become certified with the State of Illinois for her Masters in Reading.  (mouthfull)  So, I did something that I have not done in almost two years. 

I dug out the Playstation 2.  (that statement alone is scary)  It did require a heavy blow to remove all the dust and even a rag run over to get through to the blackness of the shell of the console.  I busted out my old games and even my newest one that I got for Christmas (Madden 07) to play for the first time.  Didn’t get to Madden because I made the mistake of putting in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas.  I don’t know if any of you out there have played this game, but it is just downright wrong and right at the same time.  I think this phrase to myself as I blow crackwhores away and shood innocent people on the street in the head…”If playing you is wrong…I don’t want to be right…”  and I realize I have a problem.

So, I started playing around 9:00pm and don’t remember falling asleep.  I do remember seeing the sun start to come out and looking at the clock to see that it was 5:15am and hearing my wife start the shower upstairs.  I woke again a few hours later only to slightly move my hand less than six inches to pick up the controller and start killing virtual people for another few hours.  Nice.  Not to make myself sound any more retarted, but from 9:00pm on Friday night until 11:00am on Saturday was probably on of the more enjoyable 14 hours I have experienced in a long time.   I can’t let another 2 years come between me and the Playstation.  

Saturday afternoon was full of balloon twisting and Fun.  I twisted balloons with another balloon twister for the first time ever and I think I built the experience up in my mind.  I was sadly disappointed by my selection of dueling balloon twister.  Oh well, he filled the part and got the job done when I was booked to the max and he was able to twist balloons for the Church picnic until I arrived which made me feel much less stress.  The picnic was awesome and I was able to enjoy my wife that evening as well as she was there to help out as well. 

Sunday morning came and I woke up to look at a 11:00am time on the clock.  It was the first time in many months where there was nothing on the books for the day.  So, we decided to go to the Long Grove Strawberry Festival.  I had never been there before and I didn’t really know what to expect.  I did know that it had to have been better than the ghetto Round Lake festival we had attended less than a month ago. 

I will say this and I will finish this story tomorrow, but I spent a crap load of money that I didn’t intend to (explanation to follow) and had an absolutely awesome time.  Back to work and there will be more to follow on the Strawberry festival…

Filed under: Church, achy, balloon, beer, fun, romance, wife

Under pressure

I posted earlier this week as to what is going on, so hopefully you all will understand about no posting. 

So, last weekend was a blast.  For once I had a visit with my family that went off without any back woods red neck issues.  Last Saturday I fished from 5:00am until 3:00pm and proceeded to fry all the flesh off of my shoulders, neck and head.  Saturday night I met up with an old best friend from Central Illinois to watch his band perform www.rededmund.com and they were very good.  I was pretty impressed at how well they sounded.  It was nice just to see an old friend.  He didn’t even know I was coming, it was purely by surprise.  I even hid on one side of the bar and asked the waitress to send a beer to his table and say that it was from a guy at the other end of the bar who thought he was “cute”.  She came back and told me that he said I should give him a call at “867-5309″ without even seeing me.   Good stuff.  After many beers, a LaBambas visit and a 30 minute spooky ass backwoods drive back to my grandparents on the lake I arrived at 3:00am.  Can’t say I have ever tip-toed into my grandparents large house before. 

I was woken up Sunday morning at 5:30am by my Dad poking me in the stomach trying to wake me like a little kid on Christmas morning.  He wanted to go fish and I am his fishing buddy.  Forget the fact that I only had 2 hours of sleep, he needed to fish.  So I proceeded to scorch the scorched skin from the day before, but this time I wore lots of clothing.  Ended up catching a total of 45 bass in the two days in the boat.  Biggest weighed in at 4 lbs.  Not a bad outing. 

Highlight of the weekend though was taking my Grandfather on my mothers side out to Pizza with my Mom and Aunt.  I have always remembered my aunt Nancy to be a very unhappy woman. (long story about losing my closes cousin in a housefire) I will tell that one later, but she was incredibly fun to be around.  I can’t honestly say that I usually walk away from spending time with my family wishing to see them again in the future, but this time was just a perfect storm. 

The funniest part of the Fathers day was walking next to the Pizza place to the fresh produce stand and recognizing one of my X-aunts on my fathers side of the family.  She was married to my uncle David (fathers brother) and they divorced many years ago.  I hadn’t seen her since I was probably 8 or 9.  She couldn’t believe that it was me.  She looked like shit.  I heard that she was into Meth and heavy duty drugs and it definitely showed.  She is 10 years younger than my mother but she looks 20 years older.  It was nice to see her although the prospect of having 5 lbs of garden fresh tomatoes, corn, and watermelon was more exciting to me than the encounter. 

This week has been a blur.  Funny things have happened here and there.  I either need to start carrying around a notepad or call my voicemail and leave a message about the funny stuff.  I wanted to talk about the aisle at Walmart on Fathers Day in Pekin, Illinois.  I don’t really have to say too much other than that they should hire a banjo player or maybe dueling banjo’s for that aisle.  I have decided that I will never again attempt to purchase a card for a holiday on the day of the holiday from a central Illinois Walmart.  I wish I would have had a camera. 

Tomorrow is the day of balloons.  I have many events and will attempt my longest day of twisting ever.  www.misterd.balloonhq.com

See you on Monday! 

Filed under: In laws, achy, balloon, confused, dad, friend, fun, funny, grouchy, mean, sleepy, smelly, sore, stink, train wreck, weird, wife, work

Ready for a weekend

Happy Friday y’all!  (my customers in Kentucky are really getting to me)

As each post this week clarified I am so ready for this weekend.  This week has pretty much squeezed my nuts to the point that I will spend a good amount of time catching my breath and wondering why it happened.  I feel victorious.  Ahh, what a great word. Victorious.  If I ever owned a boat, I would name it that…or…Smells like fish….I don’t know why, but that phrase always makes me giggle like a 7 year old who just saw his first boobies. 

Today I feel a little immature.  Each and every day I drive to work, my route takes me right beside a golf course.  As I first hit the course 30 feet off of the road is a tee box for a shorter par 3.  Maybe 140 yards.  The traffic backs up before I get to that spot so I sit there in bumper to bumper traffic stiffling my jealous thoughts about not being out on the course.  Who are these guys anyway to golf at 7:30 in the morning on a weekday? (see…jealousy) Lately I fight the desire to reunite with my inner 8 year old and honk my horn right in the middle of a backswing.  I really want to do it.  I don’t know why but I do.  As if screwing up some old timers game will make me come to grips with the fact that I am on a destination for 10 hours in a cubicle staring at two computer monitors and talking on the phone.  Who knows?  Maybe it would.  I think that I might do it just to get it over with.  The most disappointing result could be that they don’t even acknowledge my immaturity.  I will update you if I ever take the leap.  Maybe this could be daily therapy for me on my way to work? 

Last night after I decided to call it a night from work, I scanned the headlines on www.cnn.com and noticed that they had announced who People Magazine had chosen for their Bachelor of the year.  Of all the stories, I was quick to click it.  For some insane reason I thought it might be me.  But then I realized that I am not a bachelor.  Then I realized I am a receeding hair line fat man.  The guy that won is a receeding hair line thin man.  Ahh….oh well…there’s always next year. 

I still have a great story I need to share about my Magical Turtle tank.  I have to make time. 

This weekend I am off to spend some time with my family.  The wifey isn’t going, so it will be me all by my lonesome for the 31/2 hour trip.  I leave tonight and I have no idea where I am sleeping tonight or tomorrow night.  I may end up in a hotel or at some family members house.  Who knows?   The good news is that they didn’t finish my car in their timeframe (I had a hunch this would happen) so that means I get to take this very nice and very fast car for my trip.  I don’t know how I will come to grips with getting back in my car after driving an 07 sportscar for a week. 

So, have a good weekend, put a few beers back and I will catch up with you all on Monday!

Filed under: Car, achy, body, confused, fun, grouchy, mean, scared, train wreck, weird, wife