A funny thing happened on the way to the city

My day today has been full of work meetings combined with a much needed trip downtown to pick up what I have come to learn is an elusive object.   I have always known that I have a big head.  It has only been an inconvenience when trying to buy fitted baseball caps since the largest size I am able to find is usually one size too small for my nogin.   A month ago I was booked to twist balloons for a candy company that I won’t name, but can say that there have been two movies (one older and a newer remake) made about this candy company.  www.iloveballoonanimals.com

So, the interesting thing about this booking is that I am not allowed to wear my typical “Cubs” garb as I normally do when twisting balloons.  This company is requiring that I and the other woman that is entertaining with me to be in “character” or “clown”.  The big problem is that I am not a clown, nor have I ever been such.  Having a not so great history of being a fan of clowns, this whole thing will be a very interesting experience.  So, this Saturday morning, I will be unveiling “Dapper”.  My new clown persona. 

Dapper spawns from the fact that I am going to try and be as non creepy as possible.  I will be wearing tuxedo pants, colorful shirt, home made balloon cuff links, Black suspenders, a balloon bow tie,  a top hat with a balloon flower on it, and just a bit of make up on the face.  It should be good enough to pass as a clown without being a real clown.  I will have to post photos once I have them for feed back. 

Wow…what happened…back to my oversized melon.  During my quest for a top hat, it has come to my attention that I have the largest head there is.  24″.  I don’t think that means I am extra smart, but I can say it has been a burden trying to locate a top hat that fits my brain.  After seriously two weeks of searching, I was only able to locate one in the ENTIRE Chicagoland area.  So on my drive down to city to pick up the ten gallon sized top hat, I looked in my rear view mirror and noticed two women sitting side by side in an SUV right behind me.  We were in stop and go traffic on 94 heading south, when I looked up again a few moments later to hear honking and men screaming out the window.  As I looked at the car, I noticed that the two women behind me were kissing, causing a serious amount of traffic to come to a standstill since it appears that the men in the cars to the left and right were all cheering them on.  With the traffic in front of me moving a long, who was I to miss out on the fun, so for a good 30 seconds, these two women in all of their lesbian fun, caused traffic to a halt entirely over a kiss.  The funniest part was seeing all of the guys look at each other in amazement over what was happening.  It fell just short of guys getting out of their cars to high five one another. 

I finally started moving, and they followed, and over the next 5 miles, at every single stop in traffic, they would start making out again causing many to honk and cheer in approval.  The weird thing was that they didn’t fit any girl on girl stereotype what so ever, which is what really brought on the cheers.  It definitely made slow traffic on the toll way as bearable as it has ever been.  I turned on the radio to hear a traffic report.  I thought they might mention a delay in our section of the toll way and what the reason might be. 
“We have a gapers delay on the Eden’s from skokie rd down to the junction with reports of guys cheering on lesbians who are making out.”  I hope to hear that, but had no such luck.

Eventually I had to exit against my better judgement.  I could have continued as the grand marshall of the lesbian parade, but since it was a trip during the workday, I chose to not continue since I had no idea how far this parade might go on.

Filed under: Car, balloon, boredom, confused, creepy, free porn, weird, work

Hi, is that your boob?

First things first.  I have to get two things off my chest, and as I sit in cubicle hell, I want to stand up on my desk and yell.

1.  Barack Obama went bowling.  Or did he?  He bowled a 37 in front of hundreds of onlookers who all joked with how bad he was at bowling.  His excuse? It’s been 30 years since he put on bowling shoes.  I hate to say it, but whoever in his campaign thought that doing something for fun to drum up votes should be kicked in the groin.  I know that they were probably trying to do something that fellow Pennsylvanians could relate to, and putting on a jersey and hoop shorts wouldn’t work.  So, what else could he do?  Bowling? People in Pennsylvania love their bowling.  I don’t know what is sadder, the fact that Barack was so bad, or the fact that the only recreational thing he could think of to relate to people in that state includes a sport that is best enjoyed with a beer in one hand and a mustard/grease stain on the shirt. 

2.  For all of you DVR owners, be sure to set it to record the Today show on Friday.  Cause the New kids on the block are back!  And to think that after all these years, my prayers weren’t being heard. 

Here they are in their early 40’s/late 30’s.  I don’t know if New kids on the block will work any longer.  Maybe Old Guys in Denial who need money is a better description.  Of all the bands that I have dreamt of seeing a reunion, this one just might be ranked in the 3-4 hundred range (being nice). 

Now that I got that off my chest, back to Vegas.  After the best man proposal and drinking in the pool for a few hours, we got dressed and met one of our friends parents at the Bellagio for Dinner.  After dinner we were walking back to the MGM when I decided that I was going to pick up some water/Gatorade for the room since we never have enough on past trips.  The two others head back to the hotel while I swing in and decide that it would be a good idea to get a case of bottled water and three big big bottles of gatorade.  I don’t know what I was thinking because that was a shit load of liquid for one man to carry.  No big deal, since MGM appeared to be right in front of me. 

Let me pause this story for just a moment.  If you have not been to Vegas, let me explain something.  Just because something looks to be right in front of you, doesn’t mean it is.  Due to the gigantism of the hotels out there, many a times have I looked at something and said “let’s walk” only to realize that it was a bad idea after walking for an hour and only being half way there.  For any of you who have been, you know what I am talking about. 

Back to the story.  I decide to go boom box with my case of water and throw it up on my shoulder.  Three bags in the other hand.  Walking along, and I get maybe a good 300 yards away when I realize that i’m not as close as I thought.  So, I set everything down and take a breather, not wanting to break a sweat since I am already dressed for what should be a crazy ass night.  I continue this time putting the bottle on my other shoulder and moving on,  but the other arm begins to burn much faster.  So, I stop again.  Shit, I started sweating.  I take another break.  5 breaks later, I finally see a side entrance to the casino and wondered if it would be unlocked.  I head over and by now my Calvin Klein baby blue starched dress shirt has mega sweat rings formed under my arm pits, and I start to feel sweat seeping into the shirt on my chest and stomach.  I looked like I just ran a freaking marathon when I have walked all of half a mile.  As I approach the door with case of water on shoulder and sweat showing, the door opens up and out walks this guy followed by a woman.  They were all dolled up for a night on the town and I look over and see a limo waiting for them.  She was wearing one of those tops that is super loose and the neck line plunges down to the navel area, left with hanging collar that covers the boobs.  You know what I am talking about. 

As she pushes the door open, something about the way she stretched out one arm combined with a sudden gust of wind that just opened up the left side of her top causing one of the most glorious boobs to just pop out. 

I don’t say glorious because it was a nice boob, because I am married and I truly only enjoy the site of my own wife’s boobies, but I describe it as glorious because any time you are witness to an unexpected boob exposure, it is truly a glorious experience.  I digress…

As the wind blows, she feels that her breast is exposed, and by now I am just staring with a smile on my face.  She quickly fixed her top.  I quickly turn around to see that the guy is already getting into the limo and is a good distance away, when I utter “nice boobie” to her as I walk through the door.  I wish I would have had more time to have said something like, “very nice” or “thanks for the show” or ”those aren’t fake” but “nice boobie” was all I could conjure with such short notice. 

I continued on my sweaty way up to the room looking back frequently for a man ready to punch me for my comment, but there was no such encounter.  It was at that moment that I knew I was in for a good night. 

Filed under: Barack Obama, Boobies, bachelor party, beer, free porn, memories

Broken Rib

I think I have one.  It hurts when I breathe, and I think that might not be a good thing.  This past Monday night I fell.  Hard.  Very hard, actually.  I have the great people that run my home owners association to thank for the shitty snow removal company that we hired to maintain our streets and driveways.  Right outside of my garage is at least a good 2-3 inches of thick ice that has accumulated throughout the past month.  I honestly could put on a pair of ice skates and skate from my garage to the street without hitting a patch of uncovered road.  That’s a good 30yards, too.  

So, this past Monday night, while I was rolling a very full garbage container to the street, we ate it together.  The container hit the ice at an angle and it flew on its side and since I had both hands on the handles it took me down with it causing me to rip things in my back that I never knew could be ripped.  I thought the pain would go away, but it hasn’t.  I honestly think that there might be a broken rib or two. 

I shall try and head to the doctor at some point, but with my balloon-party-laden weekend ahead of me I won’t have time. 

All of this talk about Ribs make’s me crave the McRibb from McDonalds.  Hasn’t it been long enough to scrape up all of the excess pork tidbits to give it another run?  I came across a food review where they ranked the top 10 sandwiches in the united states, and I was shocked to see the McRibb one of the top 10.

http://www.esquire.com/features/food-drink/sandwiches 

It’s good to see that i’m not the only one.  When I get sad and lonely, I go to www.mcrib.com and watch the dancing McRib sandwiches and dream of the day that I, too can hold one in my hand like the luck SOB that forever dances with the BBQ.  (although I don’t know how they hold the sandwich like that since they are messy)  Since I have started this whole healthier lifestyle bit, looking at this sandwich to me is about like staring at porn.

Today is leap day.  I don’t understand it.  I know that every four years we get an extra day that we wouldn’t have had otherwise.  I found it funny to hear on the radio in my drive to work this morning people calling in whose birthday falls on Feb 29th (leaplings are what I have learned is the technical term for such individuals).  Each caller would call in and say that they are 6 or 7 (really 24 or 28 for those not mathematically inclined) today.  The joke would continue about wanting a pony or tickets to a Hannah Montana concert.  When asked what the 7 year old was doing today, we were met with the “I’m off to work” line.  Bad radio.  You have to love it.  Well, at least this is only something that we have to deal with every four years. 

For a really action packed and educational read, I recommend going to wikipedia and looking up the word leap year.  Mad Leap year props if you make it through the whole thing without being confused or falling asleep. 

Filed under: achy, balloon, body, free porn, pain, stupid

What on earth was I thinking?

I have mentioned many times throughout my posts that I twist balloons.  I don’t officially have a website for my balloon business, and I wouldn’t really even call it a business, because I do not devote enough time to consider it a business.  I would call it a hobby that has grown from something I did for family and friends a few times a year to something that takes up most of my spare time.  In fact last year, I did over 125 events.  I guess I would classify myself as being in denial about a hobby that is forcing me to become a businessman almost against my will.   I can’t turn away money.  When I get a phone call from someone asking me to come to their house and twist balloons for their children and get paid handsomely for it, how can I say no? 

That happened to me this past Saturday.  I received a call from someone asking me if I would be willing to entertain 20 children during the superbowl. 

For those of you who do not know me, I am sick when it comes to football.  Watching the Superbowl is better in my mind than anything I can think of.  You could create a movie where the general theme is a compilation of the finest breasts on Earth and I choose the Super bowl over that.  Even if I would only get once chance at watching said Boobie movie.  (I love boobies too, don’t get me wrong.) 

Upon receiving the request to entertain for the Superbowl, I contemplated at first whether I truly could do it.  A debate began amongst the several different voices within my cerebellum and he who had the loudest voice won.  The strongest personality was the balloon twister.  I am embarrased to admit that in a cage match between my inner twister and my inner football fan, the inner twister won.  But only on one condition did my inner football fan agree to let the twister win. 

I would have to make enough money to make the football fan stop crying. 

So, I sent what I thought would be rejected rates, only to be put into shock when they accepted.  At first they didn’t.  They asked if I would work for less than two hours and charge less, but that email was followed up with a we changed our mind, we will book you for your full amount.  (I wouldn’t have done it for less time or money.) 

So here I sit.  Knowing that in six days instead of having a beer in my hand and a chili-cheese dip stain on my football jersey, I will be missing the super bowl while I try to entertain roughly 20 children so that 30 adults will have an opportunity to enjoy the game without their children distracting them for 2 hours and potentially 3 if they like what I am doing and decide to pay the extra money that day. 

This sad story of missing the Superbowl is brought to you by the fine people who thought it would be a good idea to build a bunch of casinos in a desert, and my friend Brian who thought it would be fun to get married this year thus forcing us to drag his ass to Las Vegas .  If I wasn’t going in March, I doubt that the inner twister would have stood a chance against the football fan.  

Filed under: balloon, balls, confused, fight, free porn, grouchy, pain, stupid, train wreck, work

Well the weather outside is…

About as bad as it gets. (Frightful?)

Today I am bored out of my skull.  I distinctly remember saying that earlier today out loud and realizing that if I were a manager, I might not like hearing an employee say how bored they were.  But it is true.  I am sitting at my desk twiddling thumbs and organizing my new wallet.   None of my customers have been in this week.  The week between Christmas and New Years is always dead.  I have taken a couple of days off to stretch my own holiday, but I guess I would rather not waste my own vacation days until I can actually dip my toes in an ocean or double down on eleven when the dealer shows  six at 8:00am in the morning after a night out on the Vegas strip.   Besides, these days allow me to actually catch up from the craziness that is the first half of December. 

I had an ultra sound done yesterday, and they didn’t do it on my stomach.  I can’t go to far into it, but the doctor found a mass in one of my giggle berries.  I wish I could just go all out on a post where I explore many different viewpoints about having a strange man squirt goo all over your testicles and proceed to rub a microphone all around while snapping photos on some expensive electronic equipment.   My scrotum sounds like a baby.  I could hear the heart beat and everything.  I could take every thought and turn them this way and that and really dig deep, but I won’t. 

I will say that it was ultrasound amateur hour.  I was intentionally scheduled with a male ultrasound technician because they wanted me to be comfortable.  I was shocked upon entering the mood lit room to find a woman waiting.  I was introduced to her and told that she is training and would be “sitting in” on her first male ultra sound.  Great.  So, I laid down, the guy did his thing, and upon completion he stood up and asked me if I would mind the lady giving it a whirl for the first time.  “Why not?” I answered.  I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe we should call out to Dorris and Betty out at the front counter and see if they wanted to give it a go as well.  So, I laid there while a woman that wasn’t supposed to even be in the room played with my balls as an educational experience.  Good times.   

The new year is upon us.  This will be my first year at disappointing myself (resolutions).  The list is growing.  Ever since I decided to try out the New Years Resolution thingy, it seems that everything that I do wrong in life has turned into something that I am going to fix as of January 2nd.  (Not January 1st, because who wants to start a diet/stop drinking/quit farting/stop smoking/stop picking his/her nose/stop watching free porn on a day known for binge eating/drinking?)

So, come January 2nd, I will magically turn into a new man.  More to come on the magical change that will/won’t happen.  Have a safe and happy New Year celebration. 

Filed under: Gay, balls, boredom, confused, excuse, fart, free porn, grouchy, mean, scrotum, stupid, train wreck, weird, wife, work

chilly nipple

I laughed out loud when I wrote that title because this just might be the most twisted thing I have written about.  I thought this morning about putting both of these thoughts into two seperate posts so that I do not scare the crap out of my few friends that frequent this page, but I am just going to let it rip and see what happens. 

Last night I was brushing my teeth.  I like to brush in the shower.  I have a ritual when in the shower that I won’t bore you with.  It’s borderline obsessive compulsive.  I even play this game if I am in a rush as to how fast I can get all of my little showering steps done.  Psycho, I know.  But last night, the funniest thing happened.  As I was brushing my teeth (step 12 of the 16 step shower process) (this step immediately follows the knock on the wall 19 times and comes before counting the bars of soap…) but while I was brushing a bit of the toothpaste/saliva dripped on to my left nipple. 

It burned.  In a cool weird kind of way.  Like icy hot.  For like 30 minutes.  I laughed becuase I couldn’t believe that a little toothpaste had that kind of reaction. 

I have no idea why I mentioned that on here, but just in case you ever wanted to know what would happen if you ever rubbed or dripped toothpaste on your nipples, that is it.  I bet that some people might be in to that, and if any of you are reading this and you are, I am borderline with you. 

Christmas came early for me this year.  Free porn is back in my life and in a good way.  I was going through the old mail from a week or so ago and I came across a piece from DirecTV.  It stated that since I have been a loyal subscriber, I was going to be given Cinemax for the month of December.  Having not realized this for the past week, I feel cheated and am currently debating whether I am going to call DirecTV and tell them that I didn’t see the notification letter until now and ask that they extend my free month at least one week into January.  If only my wife enjoyed the free porn as much as I do.  She would have told me about the letter immediately.  It would be neat and strange to have a wife that would come running up to me and say how happy she is that we have Cinemax again for a limited time. I know her excitedness wouldn’t be for the same reason as mine.   Since I have customized what channels appear and don’t appear, I added Cinemax to the options last night. 

Cinemax is trouble anyway.   I can’t count the number of times I would be watching a You’ve got mail or a Star Wars on Cinemax in the bedroom and fall asleep only to be awoken by my wife an hour later asking me why I was watching a show called Coed Confidential, Sin City Diaries..or Busty Models.  Nothing like getting busted for doing something that you weren’t doing in the first place. 

Ahhhh, big weekend ahead.  Tonight and tomorrow night I have Christmas Holiday parties.  Tonight it’s dressy, tomorrow it’s funny attire.  Tonight it’s open bar, tomorrow it’s bring a bottle of whatever you plan on yakking up (I will be on a voyage with the Captain most of the weekend) on Sunday morning.  Sandwiched in the middle of my 48 hour drunkathon are balloon parties (www.misterd.balloonhq.com).  I will have to punish the open bar tonight because I know tomorrow it will punish me while I enterain many children.  Hopefully I will be ok for the festivities tomorrow night.  In the end I know that I will have Sunday after morning church to recuperate while watching football.  At least I don’t have to watch the Chicago Bears suck on Sunday.  Have a great weekend!

Filed under: Captain, Church, Gay, balloon, beer, free porn, funny, latex, stupid, train wreck, weird, wife

Peanut Butter Jelly Time!

 

Thank God this week is coming to an end.  I can honestly say that this past week would rank up there for my top three weeks that I would like to sweep under the rug of my memory to never revisit again. 

I just had a break through in the last few moments.  I wrote yesterday about how I could use a good bitchslap upside my head and I think I may have just got it.  I have been looking for something to make me laugh and get me back on track mentally and it just came to me. 

One of my coworkers sent me an email with the dancing banana at the top of this post.  For those of you who don’t know, that banana represents the flash clip of Peanut Butter Jelly time.  I have officially made Peanut Butter Jelly Time, my rally song for the remainder of the day.  Just from watching the video it made me feel better.  I don’t know what it is about the song because it is so stupid that it makes everything that has been bugging me go away.  For a mid day laugh, go to this link:  http://emuse.ebaumsworld.com/flash/play/733/  It’s not the best version as far as I know, but it’s the only one I could get to through the crazy firewalls that guard my company from anything porn, fantasy sports, gambling, and humor. (Basically anything good on the web.) 

Now that I got the monkey off my back…(who knows that all it took was a dancing banana)…I will finish up my week with some good news. 

I may be a millionaire and not know it.  This could be one of my final posts because I came into some money.  Here’s the story:

On Tuesday there was an article on Chicago Tribune about the State of Illinois hosting an auction for old items that were left unclaimed inside of Safety Deposit boxes.  It will be a “virtual yard sale” as the Tribune calls it.  Here is the link: http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/chi-auction14aug14,1,1940832.story

I was reading this story when midway through it tells you to go to www.treasurer.il.gov

So, I go to the site and something caught my eye.  Under the “Featured Programs” there is a program called Cash Dash. Do we have your money?  If you read further it goes on to allow you to do a search of the state’s unclaimed property database of forgotten or abandoned funds.  So, humoring myself I went into it.  It’s simple really.  You type your name and if your name comes up that means there is unclaimed money for you. 

My name came back three times with one of them definitely confirmed to be mine. There are three amounts they categorize.  Between $1-10, $10-100, and the grand daddy Over $100.  It is not $100-200.  Or $100-1000.   Or even $100-100,000.  Just “Over $100″.  Of the three names that come up mine is the “Over $100″.  So, I could officially be a millionare and not know it.  Or I could just be $100.01 richer, but either way, it’s money I didn’t have before.  I am now hoping that the amount is large enough to buy a new High Def flat screen television since my last attempt at buying an HDTV didn’t work out as planned. 

You can search any name in the database and of all my family members I have not found another person with money waiting to be claimed. 

My wife doesn’t belive it.  She thinks it is a gimmick of some sort or a “send us your account number and we will deposit it once we clean out all of your checking and savings accounts.”  It has to be real, right?  It is on the State of Illinois Treasurer site, so if I can’t feel confidence in a state government site then we are in big trouble. 

There is one catch.  The paperwork is a bitch.  You have to have it notarized and send picture i.d., documentation, and a pee sample. (not really, I made that last one up.) 

So, until I find out how much I will get back I am a self proclaimed potential millionaire. 

Big weekend planned.  By my gumpiness this week, Jeanne doesn’t think I love her as much as I do, so I am going all out this weekend.  Her B-Day is on Tuesday so we will celebrate by going away somewhere (can’t tell in case she reads this) fun tomorrow after I twist some balloons for some parties.  I am going to attempt an evening like she has never experienced from a romance perspective and I could fall flat on my face.  We will see.

Have a great weekend.  I will share on Monday how it all goes and whether I was successful or not.  It’s Peanut Butter Jelly Time!

Filed under: Pee, free porn, grouchy, mean, romance, wife

Super fun…supergay!

  

So, I am sad to report that last night didn’t finish off with the hopeful porn like bang that I had hoped for, but it was still a very enjoyable evening. 

 

As I wrote yesterday, since I was kicked out of the house for the evening, I asked Mike if he and I could take his son and daughter to Great America.  The scariest thing happened to me last night.  I had a great time. 

 

Rewind my life to 3 years ago and ask me if I would have a great time going to Great America with a friend and 2 young children.  The answer would have probably been “No”.  I would even go out on a limb and say that I may have enjoyed Great America more last night than I ever had in all of my visits with friends.  I can’t even describe it.  I probably had my biggest brush with fatherhood ever and I have to say that I enjoyed it more than I would have ever imagined.  Weird. The highlight of the evening was watching a guy and two girls sing songs from the 80’s while dresses up in the 80’s garb.  The man was so flamingly gay. I saw two other gay guys walk up and they laughed as they started to walk away as if to say that he is too gay for them. I have never seen gay guys laugh at the gayness of another. So, as we were getting ready to roll out last night I became a little sad that it was coming to an end so I went to the office and dropped 50 bucks on a season pass so that I can hang with my peeps D and Olivia.  (4 and 2 years old respectively.)  I hope that we go back several times before the end of the season. 

 

By the time I walked in the door to home it was 9:30 and I was surprised to find out that my wife and her girly friends were just getting started on dinner and drinking.  I decided to sport my new SuperMan cape that I bought at Great America as I walked into the house to embarrass my wife.  After all the ladies were laughing I announced that I was planning on surprising Jeanne with it by wearing it out of the shower while naked the next night, and that made Jeanne turn a color that I had never seen before.  Hey! She always asks when I am going to start wearing fun outfits for her in the bedroom, so who is she to complain about my sexy clothes style.  I jumped in the shower and then hid for the rest of the night until I passed out from all of the craziness that is Six Flags. 

 

The cape now adorns the wall of my new cubicle.  Ever since the big move I have a need to put all sorts of weird and funny things at my desk.  I have brought magic to work as well.  My neighbors laugh as I talk on the phone and turn 3 different length strings into 3 same length strings.  Or as I make a handkerchief disappear into my palm.  All while focusing on a phone call.  Good stuff. 

 

It’s pool night tonight.  Drinking night. 

 

Interesting how a title like “Hot girl on girl action!” from yesterday’s post could prompt the most number of hits that my blog has ever seen.  I don’t understand.  It’s like many men out there are looking for porn or something.

Filed under: Blog, beer, free porn, friend, shower, weird, wife, work

Hot girl on girl action!

 

Tonight I will get kicked out of the house.  It is rather funny because last week my wife told me that she would be having girlfriends over for dinner.  I thought nothing about it at the time.  For some reason, lately my wife has really been trying to get people to come over to our house for gatherings.  Since we bought a new home one year ago we have had virtually no visitors.  Mostly because life is so chaotic on our part to even think about hosting a party.  Other reasons include not having accomplished our goals yet (new furniture, decorating, etc..) for the house.  Another major reason is that Jeanne’s friends are all in baby making mode.  They all have babies.  My friends all live in the city. (with no babies)  Who wants to drive an hour and 15 minutes out to the suburbs to have a party when you have downtown Chicago?   

I still hadn’t put any thought into the gathering that will be taking place at my house until Jeanne brought it up on Monday.  She asked me if it would be possible for me to not be in the house for the dinner.  I was saddened by this news because Jeanne and her friends are a good looking group of girls.  I won’t lie when I liked the idea of me being the only rooster in the hen house.  I guess experiencing this for the first time would have been a let down anyway because I am sure that all those years of late night free porn would not have unfolded in my house tonight anyway even if I were present.  I guess that is just the way a man thinks…or dreams…either one.   

Jeanne’s reason for not wanting me there is purely based on girl talk.  She fears that the girls will hold back on main topics of conversation because a man would be hanging around.  I told her that I could go into the family room downstairs and play video games and it would be like me not being there but she said that still wouldn’t work.  Seriously though, once I get rolling in a game, I am non existent to the world.  There could seriously be hot girl on girl action (in all humor since I know my wife absolutely hates it when I joke about her and her friends in a sexual manner) upstairs and I would be so focused and worried about chasing the gang banger on my motorcycle for the gunshot to the head before my five minute time runs out on Grand Theft Auto.  But, that still won’t do.  

 Typically when I don’t have the time, I can think of a gazillion things that I would like to do.  But when I am told that I have to go out and do something, I am stumped and annoyed.    

Luckily I realized that Jeanne still had a free pass into Great America that expired on Thursday of this week for a school reading program that she participates in.  My buddy Mike and his Children all have a season pass to Great America, so I called them up and asked it they wanted to go hang out at Great America for the Afternoon.  I am really looking forward to this trip since I have never done the kid thing there.  With Mikes Son who is 4 and Daughter who is 3 we will surely hang out in the children area while going on some of the rides that you enjoy but don’t waste your time with when you have monster roller coasters to attend to.  So, I anticipate on enjoying my afternoon and evening riding on all the fun rides that I never bother with usually.  I have a nice little hump day ahead of me.  I can’t go too crazy thought since I am sure that I will be up late tonight watching video of all of the secret cameras I installed to catch some hot Lingerie pillow fighting battles that might go down tonight in my house while I am not there.  (Seriously, Jeanne, I am just kidding!)    

Filed under: fantasy, free porn, funny, romance, weird, wife

MOOOOOVING DAY!

 

Ahhh, moving day is finally here.  I am not allowed to start unhooking all my computers and electronic stuff until 4:00PM.  On Friday I stayed late and packed up everything else.  I am sitting in a virtually empy cube with nothing on the wall except my toll free phone number and fax number because in 1 1/2 years of sitting at the same place and using the same phone number, I have never memorized it.  How pathetic.  I always look at this one sheet of paper when giving my phone number and I have never taken a moment to actually think that it might be a good thing to remember.  Vendors on occasion will ask me my phone number during trainings, and I laugh because I have to pull out my cell phone and pull it out of my contacts. 

Anyway, I feel like I am in college again.  I lived in 10 different locations throughout my college adventures and had many different roomates.  Today I will be leaving my quad and 3 roomates for a single.  I have never lived in a single before and I don’t know how working in one will be.  I have already decided that since I will not share space with anyone or have anyone to talk to frequently that I will be shopping for my cubicle.  I think I am going to go to Toys R Us tomorrow for lunch and I need to find some funny stuff to put in my cubicle to keep me from going insane.  Maybe a Kermit the Frog.  Or a Homer Simpson Doll.  Preferable a character that when I need to talk will have a button to push or a string to pull that will trigger a recorded response.  When I need someone to talk to I can tell my funny story and as a response, I could push the button and get a “Doh!” or a “Beeeeer” saying back.  As a matter of fact, those responses wouldn’t be far off from the responses I get from the live people that sit near me.  (not really, but sometimes…) 

Maybe a Cartman?  I don’t know.  I would imagine that I could find something fun to keep me company.  The last time I sat at a cube alone, I was 21 and my best friend at my desk was the Pet.com puppet.  The puppet is the ideal solitary friend because you can actually put your hand in it and make it talk back in a realistic manner.  If you didn’t know….

(signs of Mad Cow kicking in…)

So, this weekend was a blast.  Living without a wife for 2 days taught me a lot!  For one, I would never sleep in a bed if I were not married.  I would sleep on the couch every freaking night. 

Secondly, I would play video games all the time.  It was nice being able to pull out the playstation.  I realized that I need to seriously update my video game collection. 

Third, I do not brush my teeth as much.  It sounds weird, but one thing I worry about all the time is fresh breath.  I would guess that I brush my teeth 4-5 times  a day on average.  Not so when Jeanne isn’t around. 

I was sad to realize that we had scaled back on our premium Satellite movie channels because there was no free porn to be watched.  I thought for 5 seconds about calling the Satellite company and asking if I could just buy a two day pass to Skinemax.  I realized that they would probably bill us for the two days and I would have to answer the several questions when the bill comes in since the wife handles all of that.  I think the Directv people would be on to me if I offered to pay for a two day subscription to Cinemax and have it seperately paid for on my personal credit card. 

I did manage to “stop by” the bean bag toss tourney that my buddy Tom (www.stupidtom.com) was at.  I ” ” the stop by because I had planned to swing through for an hour, but that turned into shot gunning beers and all sorts of debauchery.  Read his post for a more descriptive display of events on the day.  The evening was capped off by an executive decision by me to not make the hour drive into the city to go to a good friends birthday party.  It was already 10:00PM and I had been drinking so, the drive downtown to continue would not have been a good idea.  

When you read about this “fictictious” organization that Tom and his friends created, I can attest to the awesomeness that is GOOF.  You think Bag Toss tourney with friends, you don’t think “Raffles, Trophies, Winners Jackets with logos of the organization, photo’s, video, and tons of beer.”  At least most normal people do not, which is why I try and attend each and ever GOOF outing even though I am not a resident in the subdivision.  I would equate their organization to being just shy of the fraternity in Old School.   The events that they run are mostly “men only” and have creative minds behind them.  I am a fan. 

I do have more to talk about but will post more on it tomorrow.  I just got off the phone with my wife and I have been kicked out of the house Wednesday night.  I will explain more tomorrow. 

Filed under: balloon, beer, confused, free porn, mad cow, moving, muscles, scared, train wreck, weird, wife, work