Mounds of work

I sit here yawning and nodding off trying to stay focused, but no such luck.  I am still on Las Vegas time and that means that right now, I would be sleeping until oh…say 5pm Chicago time.  I am still a good 200 emails away from being caught up but can’t help but mentally take a quick break. 

For a quick laugh click here.

Vegas was interesting.  Definitely not as fun as usual.  I guess of the 10-12 times I have gone, something awesome (win money) usually happens that makes it a great trip.  That didn’t happen this time, but I guess in order to win you have to gamble and I didn’t do so much of that this trip.  This was more of a business trip since I was there to compete in the pool tournament.  That didn’t go so well for our team, but I did well individually winning some money on my own.  I came to a sad realization this past week in that I think I am a better pool player than I really am.  Before I left for Vegas, I was cashing in the champions checks already and bragging about taking the tourney crown, and boy was I wrong.  I could make several excuses as to why we didn’t do as well as I thought we would, but that would all be plain old bullshit.  We choked as a team.  There is no other way to describe it.  The other guys can talk about how the tables  were tough, but the teams that beat us were playing on the exact same tables.  Oh well.  After putting together a team of what I thought would be a slam dunk championship only to not fare so well, I doubt I go back for a while. 

On a funny note, one of the guys that traveled out to watch us compete managed to be banned from any and all Harrahs casino’s for life, even the local one in Joliet.  

I didn’t arrive until late on Tuesday evening and by the time I had gotten there, everyone in my group was already talking about how Tough Timmy had been kicked out of Bills Gambling Hall & Saloon (Old Barbary Coast) twice between Monday and Tuesday for being too drunk.  When I finally saw Tim Tuesday night he was so wasted that he hardly recognized me.  He had already been kicked out of 4 different casinos/bars on Monday and when he found me he introduced me to his “new wife” who was a drunk hooker covered in no less than 30 tattoos.    Within 30 minutes of seeing Tim and his new found hooker, Harrahs police were all over him and her and eventually removed them from the casino because they couldn’t verify her age.  Her name was “Trinity” to us, but she said her real name to the police was “Nikita”.  Long story short, they ended up in a room together for 3 days and we didn’t see Tough Timmy until Friday night when we finally talked him into sending this girl back home. 

Fast forward to Friday night, Tim and I are at the Pai Gow tables at Bill’s Gamblin Hall when 4 security guards approach our table and ask Tim to step away.  They take his ID and return with a group of 12 guards.  One rent a cop opens a little handheld binder and begins to read him some sort of Las Vegas Gaming Miranda Rights.  What I heard was “By the order of the Nevada Liquor and Gaming authority, penal code 12.5.niner we have the right to escort you from the premises…blah, blah, blah….”  As he began to read this, another security guy realized that it was drawing everyone in the casino’s attention and told the other to stop until they get outside.  But before they did, they pulled out a casino camera, and took his photo for the Harrah’s black list directory.  Once outside they explained that he is never to enter into a Harrah’s casino without being arrested for trespassing.  The funnier thing was that he was actually staying in a Harrahs Casino and had to go back in just to get his shit before the flight out Saturday morning. 

There are many things in life that i would like to do before kicking the bucket, and being black listed from a Vegas Casino chain definitely isn’t one of them. 

Back to work.  There are several other funny things that took place out there, so more stories will follow. 

Filed under: billiard, fight, stupid, train wreck, weekend, weird, wife, work

The storm has passed

Superbowl sunday has come and gone.  I missed the entire first half of the game as well as the first three quarters of the commercials. 

I was hired for an attractive sum of money to entertain more than 20 children for two hours and in hindsight, it was a bad idea.  I truly believed that I would at least have an ear shot or an angle to view the game, but I didn’t.  I was in a large childs bedroom very far away from any television with a room full of children and Moms.  I thought that I might even be able to hear cheering, but the television that was playing the game was in the basement, therefore occasionally I could hear all of the guys cheering loudly about an awesome play.  For every muffled screem that snuck up through the vent in the bedroom, a little tear would form in my right eye. 

It was tough. 

By the time I had been paid and passed out business cards to the raving moms and dads, it was half time and snowing very hard. The usually 45 minute drive in the snow turned into an hour fifteen and by the time I walked into my own house it was the beginning of the fourth quarter.  I listened to the third quarter in my car. 

My only saving grace was that the fourth quarter was the best part of the game.  Had I missed that, I might have been heard crying myself to sleep last night. 

I did manage to make it over to my brother and sister in laws house prior to the game to take in the typical gassy superbowl food.  Chili, dips, and appetisers galore.  That also made missing the superbowl a little less hard. 

I have a new agreement with myself that moving forward I will not accept any balloon party requests during the holiest of football days during the year.  I hope that I remember how I felt about all of this next year when I get that email from someone asking me how much I would charge to entertain a group of children during the superbowl.  I might want to send an email to myself with a future delivery date of January 12th, 2009 with a link to this post so that I can relive exactly how much it sucked for a huge football fan to be twisting a Valentine Racoon for a 4 year old during the SuperBowl. 

Saturday night I entertained for a different group of children and followed it up with a surprise visit with my friend Tom www.stupidtom.com for beers at the local neighborhood hangout The Crave.  (“To the bat crave!” as I have heard Tom refer to it after many a church meetings.)

What do you get when you mix 8 guys with 12 or 13 buckets of beer(6 bottles per bucket)  with 3 other drunk ass idiots that don’t know how to keep their retarted comments to themselves.

A really weird hour of our group all looking at each other wondering who is going to be the first to swing.

A funny moment was overhearing the bartender warn the three dumbasses that even their biggest isn’t as big as our group’s smallest and that they would regret any decision to start something upon seeing all of us stand up from our seated postions.

It also helps to have someone as intimidating as Tom is sitting at your table. 

I never know what is in store for me when I go out with those guys. 

One of the other funnier things that I remember was taking off my shirt in a weird moment to settle a bet between a couple of guys who were arguing over neck sizes that stemmed from some weird sleep apnia debate and then seeing Tom button the shirt around his neck without miraculously popping a button and modeling it as a cape. 

I had a blast Saturday night and all of that came to a screeching halt Sunday morning when my wife became upset that I refused to join her at 6:00am to do things around the house before we left for Church.   A roller coaster of a weekend, if I do say so. 

Happy Monday!

Filed under: Church, In laws, Punch, balloon, beer, fight, train wreck, weekend, weird, wife

What on earth was I thinking?

I have mentioned many times throughout my posts that I twist balloons.  I don’t officially have a website for my balloon business, and I wouldn’t really even call it a business, because I do not devote enough time to consider it a business.  I would call it a hobby that has grown from something I did for family and friends a few times a year to something that takes up most of my spare time.  In fact last year, I did over 125 events.  I guess I would classify myself as being in denial about a hobby that is forcing me to become a businessman almost against my will.   I can’t turn away money.  When I get a phone call from someone asking me to come to their house and twist balloons for their children and get paid handsomely for it, how can I say no? 

That happened to me this past Saturday.  I received a call from someone asking me if I would be willing to entertain 20 children during the superbowl. 

For those of you who do not know me, I am sick when it comes to football.  Watching the Superbowl is better in my mind than anything I can think of.  You could create a movie where the general theme is a compilation of the finest breasts on Earth and I choose the Super bowl over that.  Even if I would only get once chance at watching said Boobie movie.  (I love boobies too, don’t get me wrong.) 

Upon receiving the request to entertain for the Superbowl, I contemplated at first whether I truly could do it.  A debate began amongst the several different voices within my cerebellum and he who had the loudest voice won.  The strongest personality was the balloon twister.  I am embarrased to admit that in a cage match between my inner twister and my inner football fan, the inner twister won.  But only on one condition did my inner football fan agree to let the twister win. 

I would have to make enough money to make the football fan stop crying. 

So, I sent what I thought would be rejected rates, only to be put into shock when they accepted.  At first they didn’t.  They asked if I would work for less than two hours and charge less, but that email was followed up with a we changed our mind, we will book you for your full amount.  (I wouldn’t have done it for less time or money.) 

So here I sit.  Knowing that in six days instead of having a beer in my hand and a chili-cheese dip stain on my football jersey, I will be missing the super bowl while I try to entertain roughly 20 children so that 30 adults will have an opportunity to enjoy the game without their children distracting them for 2 hours and potentially 3 if they like what I am doing and decide to pay the extra money that day. 

This sad story of missing the Superbowl is brought to you by the fine people who thought it would be a good idea to build a bunch of casinos in a desert, and my friend Brian who thought it would be fun to get married this year thus forcing us to drag his ass to Las Vegas .  If I wasn’t going in March, I doubt that the inner twister would have stood a chance against the football fan.  

Filed under: balloon, balls, confused, fight, free porn, grouchy, pain, stupid, train wreck, work

Hiroshima, Singing Guy, and one last drilling

So much to say, with so little time.  Last night my little brother dropped the biggest bombs on me.  I have not always been proud of his decisions in life since he got mixed up with the wrong crowd growing up.  He has a history of being weak in regards to choosing who should or should not be his friends.  These decisions in life led him to a life of drugs, crime, and even jail time.  So, when I heard that he finally decided to straighten out his life and join the military after graduating high school, I thought that it would be the perfect way for him to grow into a strong disciplined young man.  I have watched him mature over the last year and a half in the military, but there is still a long way to go. 

Anyway, now that you have some sort of back story, here is the news.  This weekend my brother, sister in law, and their five children are coming to stay with us.  My older brother is a 3rd degree nationally ranked black belt and has a tournament up in Kenosha Wisconsin this weekend.  Kenosha is only 45 minutes from my house so they are staying with us for the weekend.  Well, since they are coming up, I thought it would be a good idea if my little brother would come up as well since the three of us hardly get to hang out together.  As I was talking with my little brother he eased on in a story about how when he was in Texas a month ago he met a girl.  This girl aparently dropped everything a week and a half ago and drove from Texas to Illinois to stay with my brother.  He is in love with her.  Cool.  I was excited for him.  Then he goes on further to explain that she has a child.  O.k.  No biggie.  I have dated women with children.  At this point I am starting to get that he wants to come up, but in order for him to come up, he wants to drag his girlfriend and child up with him for the weekend.  “The more the merrier!” I said to him.  He said that if I wanted to talk to Jeanne and get back to him he was fine, but I said that she would agree with my decision.  He became so excited and went on to further expalin how much he cares about her, how they met and so on.  My wife asks me how old she is, and I follow suit.  My little brother says that she is 35.  “THIRTY FIVE????” I said. …”And she is from Thailand…”  o.k.  At this point I only care about seeing my little brother and am willing to deal with this.  I explain to him that if they stay with us there will be rules about what goes on in our house.  I don’t have to go over these rules with my older brother because he and his wife hate each other.  My brother has been guilty of banging an ex girlfriend in my old apartment and then lying about it after I found a condom in the trash. He doesn’t have a good track record of honesty.  So, he told me to go and check out his myspace page and see photos of how beautiful his girlfriend is and I will understand when he says that she only looks like she is 24 years old.  O.k.  I tell him that I am looking forward to seeing him this weekend and hang up. 

I go onto his myspace page and am suddenly horrified by this girlfriend.  I start going through his pictures and he was wrong.  She doesn’t look like a 24 year old, but she looks like a 35 year old woman that wishes she was still 24 years old.  Partying like crazy and obviously enjoying the company of 21 year old men who love to bang a pretty Thai lady.  I also find pictures of my brother and his friend with what looks like a joint in his friend’s hand in my mother’s living room.  His girlfriend posted a comment from her Myspace page asking “without me?  Hehe..”  I also find pictures of her on my brothers page of him making out with her in her bra and her thong hanging out of her pants.  

I immediately became furiuos and called him back saying that she is not welcome in my home for many reasons.  I also confronted him on the photos of his buddy smoking week in our mothers house and why the fuck he as a soldier of the united states army would be caught dead in the company of somone who appears to be smoking pot knowing that it could lead to his being dishonorably discharged from the military.  He was upset and an hour long argument ensued.  I hurt my little brother pretty bad, but the bottom line is that as much as he thinks he has a woman that is falling for him, what he has is a Foreigner in this country that has a 6 month old baby, no ex hubby, no job, no insurance for her or her child, and a naive 21 year old stud who likes sex and can not see the big picture. 

As a comprimise I have bought a hotel room for my brother and his girlfriend and they are welcome to stay there.  I know that they do not have money so that is the least I can do after hurting my little bro so bad.  Honest love.  That’s what I call it.  I will never lie to my little brother and I will always give it to him straight.  A shit load of other stuff came out as well, but too much and too personal to cover in this forum.  

He also told me that he has gone from Reserves to Active Duty and ships out on Monday.  Talk about another bomb.  So after all of that, I will not likely get to see my little brother for another year and a half.  Great. 

Today I have hopefully my last dentist trip for another six months.  Today I get a filling for the first time.  It can’t be as bad as the root canal. 

This morning at the gym there was this bald chubby guy wearing tight everyghing that would dance while he walked.  I got caught walking behind him on my trip to get a towel and it had to have been the most uncomfortable thing I have experienced in quite some time.  As I did cardio I continued to watch him walk around and dance at one point literally acknowledging one of the gym staff who gave him a weird look.  As I was walking out of the shower this morning and getting dressed, he walked in to the locker room and kept singing loudly to the song playing over the speakers in the locker room.  Never in my life have I contemplated punching someone in the back of the neck and dumping on his ears to make him stop singing.  I think my blood level is still sky high from my talk with my brother last night.  Are all of the chemicals I have consumed in my quest starting to give me roid rage?

Have a wonderful Thursday and sorry for such a long post. 

Filed under: Brother, In laws, Punch, Roid Rage juice, dumping, fight, grouchy, mean, pain, poop, scared, shower, stripper, stupid, train wreck, weekend, weird, wife

The first rule of Fight Club…

…is you don’t talk about fight club…

“We who are about to die, Salute you!” (one of my favorite quotes from my one of my fave movies Gladiator. 

“Two men enter! One man leaves…”

That was always what our fraternity brothers would chant before each brotherhood boxing match that would take place only during the brotherhood lock-in once a year.  The brotherhood boxing would usually take place between the Mad Dog 20/20 chug competition and the stripper arriving.  Nobody would ever get hurt really during the boxing.  I fought a guy that resembled Drago from Rocky 4 once and that was my last fight ever.  I got a bloody nose.  I held strong for the 3 rounds and I was proud to say that I stood toe to toe with one of the biggest baddest guys in our house for the whole bought.  I don’t really know where I was going with this, so let’s get back to the story at hand. 

Today in my office cafeteria, two guys had to be seperated while screaming and preparing to fight.  It was quite funny because working for a very human resources heavy company shit like that doesn’t happen very often.  Lucky for me I had front row seats and unlucky for me fists were not thrown.  I felt like I had been taken back to my junior high days where you hear that there is going to be a fight after school, show up at the alley where it’s supposed to happen only to see the two people talking out their anger. 

This is how it unfolded. 

I am third in line at the cafeteria.  The first guy in line is waiting for a pan of sliced chicken to be brought out so he can complete his fajita order.  The second guy in line is waiting for the same chicken.  I, too am waiting for the chicken.  The cafeteria guy comes out and sets the pan on top of the plexiglass counter as he walks around leaving the pan of sliced chicken sitting out right in front of us.  Before the cafeteria guy makes his way around the counter, the first guy reaches over, picks out a little piece of chicken with his bare hands and proceeds to put it in his mouth right in front of at least 8 people waiting in line for that chicken. As he chews he grumbles something about wanting to make sure it tastes all right…  He did it as if we had just pulled the finished turkey out of the stove during Thanksgiving and we were all family or something.  Guy number two begins to yell at guy number one saying that his hands were not clean, and that was the rudest most disgusting thing that he could do considering that he put his fingers into the food that we were all about to eat.  My jaw dropped at the confrontation unfolding before me. 

Guy number one replied with something along the lines where he only touched the piece of chicken he picked up and that he had recently washed his hands. 

Guy number two replied with something along the lines where he didn’t give a rats ass and that he should learn better etiquette at work since unlike his house, he didn’t work in a trailer. 

Guy number one slowly realized that guy number two just called him trailer trash and began to push. 

Cafeteria workers stopped the fight before I had a chance to break out my old junior high squeal “Fight!” “Fight!” ”Fight!” for the whole cafeteria to hear.   I was so disappointed. 

The funniest part about this whole transaction of words was that these two guys I would guess are in their mid to late 50’s and the scrawniest men I have laid eyes on.  I bet neither of them have been in an exchange like that since high school.  I was waiting for each of them to start crying. 

There is nothing better than an almost white collar corporate fight. 

Filed under: Cry baby, coworker, fight, train wreck, weird, work

Thanksgiving throw down

Each and every day this week has brought on different crazy adventures that has prevented me from touching on the finer events of this years Thanksgiving bash that I hosted with my banjo card carrying family members.  This week isn’t over yet and I look back on it with such fondness.  It seems like Thanksgiving was a month ago but it has only been a week. 

From the great Goldfish slaughter to the day yesterday that was my birthday, it has been a very long week and I can’t wait for it to end.  I will describe yesterday’s birthday festivities as one of my better birthdays.  I put the over under at two for phone calls from families and friends and I hit it dead on.  My mother called as did my older brother, which was pretty shocking.  What was so great about yesterday is that there was a lack of trauma.  Working yesteday was actually a blessing in disguise because I had what became my best sales day in many months.  It made my month.  I went shopping after work yesterday and bought myself my birthday present.  I signed up for my first department store credit card since I was 18 and hopefully this one won’t end up with a collection bureau like my first one did 13 years ago.  There is a reason that my wife handles all the bills and I am truly thankful for that.  I have many credit cards but no rip off ones like I signed up for yesterday.  I have to admit though, it was a pretty good deal.  15 % off my purchases yesterday at Macy’s and the salesperson even threw in an additional 20% off on top of that if I signed up for one.  35% off of two very expensive pairs of dress shoes left me walking away happy and almost whistling.  I’ll pay off the card and cut it up…….maybe. 

So, let me hit some of the funnier things about Thanksgiving. 

1.  I already hit on the whole flat tire on the expressway thing a few days ago.  My car is still driving weird since I squeezed 8 people in my car.  I don’t think the Chevy people had 8 passengers in mind when they designed the Chevy Prism. 

2.  My little brother brought up Guitar Hero with him for the weekend.  He had all three editions and even brought up two guitar controllers.  I couldn’t figure out why I sucked so much compared to even my 7 year old nephew.  My older brother was way better than me as well, and I take these stupid competitions between my siblings serious.  I couldn’t get the color buttons down in conjuction to the format on the screen.  Everyone else could with ease.  It was finally realized after 3 days of suckage by me that the guitar controller is set up for right handed people to have the color keys lined up with the keys on the screen.  I am left handed so I would have to do everything backwards.  My younger brother finally realized this and did something in the game that switched the colors around for me and that should have fixed it right?  Nope, because for 2 days I had learned to do everything backwards, so I was all sorts of screwed up.  I didn’t have much time to play anyways since I was busy in the kitchen for 4 straight days being the only person that knows how to cook in my family. 

3.  I rocked out on the food for Thanksgiving.  I deep fried a turkey and Brined one as well.  I will honestly say that I doubt I deep fry a turkey again.  I was jealous upon reading Tom’s turkey frying experience www.stupidtom.com because I never thought to throw some damn tater tots in the oil upon completion of the bird.  I never thought to throw anything in, which saddens me.  Anywho, I fry a bird each year because it yields meat that is juicier than what I have ever had.  Until this year.  The Brined turkey body slammed the deep fried one.  I can’t really explain it without putting up a recipe but I bathed the 21 lbs bird in a salt bath with spices, vegetables, fruit and chicken stock.  I let it sit in a bucket outside overnight in the freezing air (sealed of course).  Pulled out the turkey before baking, rubbed it dry, lathered on some butter, stuffed it with celery, spices, and a quartered orange,  and threw it in the oven.  I basted it all of once.  My mouth is watering right now just thinking about it, but it was hands down the most amazing turkey I have ever had.  

I also tackled all of the other accoutremont.  Without ever having made any of it before, it all turned out very well.  For bonus points I even used all of the carcasses and created a pot of turkey soup the day after.  I’ve got mad skillz.  Kitchen stadium, here I come!

4.  My older brother and I were nearly in a fisticuff situation.  In a very dark back corner of the Walmart that my brother’s tire was being repaired at, we were approached by two very slick shady individuals.  Both of the guys were walking towards us very fast and yelled at me to get my attention.  They both came towards me on the drivers side before I got into the car.  The first thing they asked was if I worked at that Walmart.  I said no, and they proceeded to try and sell me a year’s worth of oil changes from National Tire and Battery for 50 bucks.  Every time I would start to say I was not interested, he would cut me off and ask me another question in a very confrontational manner.  He stuck the card out and then said something about having over 50 locations in the Chicagoland area, upon which I said, “sorry but we’re from Bloomington.”  He asked me to look at the locations and the closest was Joliet to Bloomington and I told him I wasn’t going to drive an hour and a half every time I wanted to change my oil.  His response, “What the hell are you doing up here?”  My response, “If you don’t get the hell away from my car and leave me alone I am going to beat the living shit out of you.”  I can say that because my brother is a very highly ranked 3rd degree blackbelt. They didn’t know that, but he had begun to assume the “I’m going to beat you down position.”  They backed off and said they were only trying to offer me a good deal.  If he wasn’t there, I would be the proud owner of a years worth of oil changes.  Then again, if my brother wasn’t there, I wouldn’t have been in that situation anyway.  I called NTB and they don’t have such a program.  Scammers. 

That’s it for now.  Have a great Thursday.

Filed under: Birthday, Car, body, confused, fight, grouchy, pain, scared, stupid, train wreck, weird, wife

Superholidayjinx

Moving forward I will never post about my family again. 

After reading that line, one might assume that something horrific happened and it had.  When you blog about how you feel about your family many bad things could happen.  Like they stumble upon the blog and read about your feelings that you might not ever say to them in person.  Would I ever tell them that I have an issue with their bathing frequency or infrequency?  No.  But I would tell any stranger that does not know me or them.  Until now. 

Yesterday I wrote about how rednecky my family is.  I wrote about my older brother’s family.  How he and his wife are anything but in love and how they might be required to bathe prior to a prolonged visit over the holiday.  I exaggerate sometimes.  Sometimes it isn’t as bad as what I write, but none the less it is bad.  I believe my blog yesterday may have triggered something somehow without directly being known by anyone in my family….I could stall longer, but I bet it’s getting annoying by now…

Last night, before my pool league, I received a call from my wife.  She said that my sister in law had just called her, and explained that DCFS had been called on them.  They were threatening to take away my nieces and nephews.  The DCFS worker was going to go back to their house Friday morning and then to the children’s school on Friday to interview the children.  Not to go too much further with this story, but now my sister in law is attempting to leave my brother and take the children and move out of their house and my brother had some sort of tae kwon doe touney that he chose to go to instead of staying home with the possibility of their children being taken away by DCFS and he doesn’t seem to care and they do not love each other and they have 5 children and they live in squalor.  Whew!  What a mouthful.  F’d up if you ask me. 

The scariest part of this whole issue was that if DCFS actually took away the children, they wouldn’t have gone to some home, they would have come to us.  My wife and I were about one ill tempered DCFS worker away from having all of my nieces and nephews living with us.  Wow.  I almost went from having no children to having a new household filled with 5 children a wife and a sister in law. 

I don’t know where I am going with all of this, but the preperation for my first time hosting Thanksgiving is getting better by the day.  My right eye twitch is pulsating as if it’s a McRibb and will only be around for a limited time.   From here on out I am going to keep the crazies in my family out of the blog world for fear that I have the feds reading every word I say.  Did I mention that I love the IRS?  I really, really do. 

Happy scary friday to all.  At least that was what it has been for me.  I spent an hour and a half denying family issues today by submerging myself in new home office furniture.  Amazing how spending money on me makes me forget about everything else that is wrong in my life.   The children get to stay with my sister in law, so that is good.  Big Gorilla off my back.  Boring weekend ahead.  Nothing too exciting going on except I anticipate grocery shopping for Thanksgiving and cleaning in preperation of the holiday.  Shopping for Thanksgiving might not be so bad after all since it is possible that no one will come.  Just so long as I have my hour two traditional hours with the turkey fryer and Captain Morgan, I won’t care about anything.  Captain…take me away…or is that Calgon…

Filed under: Cops, In laws, achy, confused, fight, grouchy, mean, pain, shower, sleepy, smelly, stink, stupid, train wreck, weird, wife, work

I am an idiot

 

I don’t know how to say it any other way but just to put it out there.  I am an idiot. 

Last night I pretty much said something to my wife that I regret.  I can’t get into too much detail, but she made a buying decision without telling me but the money went to a religious radio station and I blew up and I shouldn’t have since this radio station helps her deal with her day.  There was way more to it and the bottom line is that instead of getting the enthusiastic reply from me that she just paid a radio station what I perceive to be a lot of money, I was pretty bent out of shape. 

As if she doesn’t have enough in her day to upset her, here I come with a pair of scissors to cut the little string holding all of her emotions together.   

I am a prick and an idiot.  I feel very bad today and have now gone into the all too familiar I’m sorry mode.   Lucky for me I have nothing going on this evening so I will time to do chores since my wife’s love tank is filled by acts of service.  (chores)   If you haven’t read The Five Love Languages by Dr. Chapman, then you are missing out. 

My only beef with the book is that it allowed my wife to discover that she feels the love most when I do chores.  Which pretty much sucks for me.  Of all five, what are the odds that my wife chooses Acts of Service.  Why not Physical Touch.  Or Words of Affirmation.  Even Quality time or Gifts wouldn’t be so bad. 

I am definitely a quality time kind of guy.  Which doesn’t make sense since I seem to transform into an idiot when we are together. 

I just remembered a funny story from the Drinking Olympics that I will have to share at some point. 

Happy Hump day!

Filed under: Church, confused, fight, grouchy, mean, stupid, train wreck, weird, wife

Moral dilemmas

Before I tell of my moral battles I would just like to ask the question: What is up with the word muscles?  It would appear that everyone online is searching for muscles.

And the movie “The Last Dragon.”

 

One of my all time favorites. 

On a movie note, I am celebrating today since I have recently discovered that my all time favorite actor will be going back to his “born to play” character.  It’s been a long time and we will soon be united.  The tag line is:  “He is back!”  It’s not Indiana Jones (although I am anticipating that one as well.)

You guessed it! 

Pee Wee! 

Paul Reubens is dusting off the old gray suit and feels that after 16 years the general public doesn’t remember that there was no shame in his game.   I will not lie.  If he has the balls to re-create Pee Wee Herman, then I would pay to see it.  I can’t count the number of times I have been scoffed at by my wife for forcing her to go to sleep to the sounds of Pee Wee’s Big Adventure or Big Top Pee Wee.  I am sad that I just admitted that. 

So, back to my moral issues. 

1.  One of my vendors offered a contest.  The more product you sell the more points you get.  Once the contest is over you can take those points and go to an online website and buy prizes.  I did pretty well and ended up with a lot of points.  Not enough points to get a new HDTV like I wanted, but enough to get a bunch of other fun stuff. 

 

So, one day I was on the site and I noticed that one of the very large HDTV’s was only 3000 points when I thought it usually was 65,000 points.   So, I click on it and realize that this HDTV is really only 3000 points.  I thought at first that they might be having a monster closeout on these TV’s and dropped the price.  It seemed too good to be true.  So, I added 3 to my cart, and checked out.  9000 points and I have 3 very large HD LCD televisions on their way to my house.  In all of my celebration, I called my wife and shared my good fortune.  Sadly, she was not only not as excited as I was, but upset that I was capitalizing on what she thinks was a mistake.  I assured her that it might be a legitimate offer.  She wasn’t having any of it.  She went on to ask me what I should have done instead of ordering.  I think the question was “What woult have been the right thing to do?”  She could have just said “check mate” when she asked that question.  I responded with “Order more than 3?”  Wrong.  I went on to back my argument with a similar story in college that in the end didn’t back my answer but actually hers.  

My Soph year of college at ISU I went into the nearest gas station to pick up 2 30 packs of Bud Lite cans and some smokes.  When the guy rang up the total, the price was astronomically low.  The thirty pack should have been 12.00 but each was ringing up for 3.00 per 30 pack.  I asked him if he was sure that was correct, and he answered with a “wow, man…we must be having a sale!”  I think he was as baked as anyone I had ever seen.  So, being the bargain hunter I was, I said cool, let me get another 2 30 packs.  After carrying 4 30 packs the block and a half back to my fraternity house, I proceeded to tell others.  Before I knew it 4 guys were out the door going to the store with a truck.  They returned with the remaining 30 packs.   20 total.  I asked the guys if the guy behind the register had any clue that the price was wrong in the register. All they said was that the register guy was so excited because he had a beer sale that was over 70.00.  The next day I went back to the gas station to see if they had restocked and I asked an older gentelman who was behind the counter if they had gotten any more Bud Lite can 30 packs in.  He replied with a “you must be one of the smartasses that cleaned us out yesterday.”  I asked if the price was truly a mistake and he went on to say that the attendant that was too stupid to realize the mistake had been let go.  I guess I didn’t feel an ounce of pity at the time for the fool that was too stupid to realize.

After Jeanne repeated the question again, “What would have been the right thing to do?”  I  answered as she requested that “I should have called the company and asked if it was truly a deal or if someone made an error.”  “That way they could have fixed it immediately instead of having a bunch of idiots like me getting Flat Screen HDTV’s virtually for free.”  She is right.  I am an idiot.  I still debate with myself as to whether I made a poor moral decision.  If they have it on the site for the points listed, and I place the order, am I in the wrong?  What’s the difference between that and someone bargain hunting and getting a steal?  The morning after Thanksgiving people will go into stores at 4:00 am all over the country to be the first at the deal busters.  How is this different than that?    

So, I still haven’t received the televisions.  I did receive an email from the comany fulfilling the orders stating that for some reason there was a monsterous backlog on those LCD’s (One again, I have no idea why) and in order to fulfill them within the next 3 months they will be substituting that model with a different model.  Fine by me.  No complaints here.  I will post more if and when the 3 LCD TV’s come.  I also ordered his and hers matching moutain bikes, an Oasis Party table and chair set, a shower clock radio, and a pretty nice iPod 7″ video player/DVD player/docking station.  I haven’t received any of it yet. The bikes are exciting because that is what I got my wife for her birthday a year a half ago, and I am finally delivering on the present.  Hey, better late than never, I say! 

To combat my immoralness, my wife thinks that I should go to church more.  So, this past Sunday, when I tried to sleep in, I was forced to mass by my wife.  No argument here.  I guess this is one of the reasons that I fell in love with my wife from the get go. 

I have two other moral dilemmas but has gone on way too long.  One involving work and another church.  I will fill you in later on those. 

Filed under: Car, Church, achy, beer, body, confused, craigs list, excuse, fight, grouchy, mean, moving, muscles, pain, romance, scared, sore, stupid, train wreck, weird, wife, work

Let’s end this damn saga

Today I am going to put this baby to bed.  What I thought would be a good idea in rehashing what was a root canal weekend has pretty much turned into another root canal.  Reliving in my mind what was not a great weekend has put me back in the mood that I was in each and every morning of my trip.  Nothing like starting the day off right.  I have found sanctuary in the fact that Jeanne and I will be traveling down to North Carolina for 5 days over the July 4th holiday.  My favorite thing in the entire world is to go out on the beach and watch the sunrise at around 5:30a.m.  while walking in knee deep water.  Last night I found a pretty good picture that is now gracing my dual 19″ monitors that sit before me as I type that makes me salivate for the 4th to come fast.  The picture nails the lighting off the waves that can only be captured at the time the sun rises.  Let’s get going on the finale….

IV.  Sunday 

    A.  Let’s go fishing 

I woke up Sunday morning at 4:15am to hit the road.  The drive from the hotel to my grandparents house on the lake is only 15 minutes, so I decided to swing by Walmart on my way to buy some new lures that I was sure would enhance my fishing experience.  I arrive at my grandparents at 5:00am and my father walked out to greet me as I walked into the house.  We were out on the boat by 5:45 and I had already caught 5 bass by 6:00am.  Could life get any better? 

        a.  Holy fishing Batman! 

I only had until what I thought was around noon to 1:00pm to fish, and Dad and I were doing well.  By noon I had already landed 18 bass and was pretty much ready to be done until my father took us in the boat to the other end of the lake near a beach where we stumbled upon a mega bass filled hotspot.  Over the next hour, I took in another 10 bass and was now being held hostage on the boat by my father because he didn’t want to go in since we were doing so well.  Jeanne was still at the hotel working on her Masters work as well as report cards for the end of year. 

        b.  Where are the damned Cicadas?

I was pretty upset that they hadn’t emerged yet.  Last time I was at my grandparents when the Cicadas were up, I remember catching more fish than ever.  We use the Cicadas for bait, but we did well even without the little insects. 

        c.  Dad, I hate to tell you this but you have Mad Cow disease….

While we were out on the boat, I decided to break the news to him that our bloodline is cursed and that Red Cross will not accept our Blood due to the fact that we have traces of Mad Cow disease in our blood.  http://dennismitchell.wordpress.com/2007/03/28/bad-blood/

http://dennismitchell.wordpress.com/2007/03/30/bad-blood-redux/

My father laughed.  I was borderline humored/pissed off by his response.  The first thing to come out of his mouth, “Well that explains everything….” followed by some serious laughter.  I think that I personally have said that exact same statement 100 times since learning about my long lost connection to my cattle bretheren.  I see a cow now and I can relate. 

        d. Grandpa’s secretly upset. 

After we made our way back inside and the stench of fish was upon us, I decided to sit down and chat with Grandma to confirm what my father had told me on the boat about Grandma showing some serious signs of forgetfullness and possibly signs of Alzheimers.  Grandma asked what Jeanne was up to at the hotel, and I explained that she was so happy to have me out of the hotel room so that she could get some work done.  Grandma replied that that was what she figured since Jeanne finishes her Masters in a month and the end of the schoolyear is upon us.  She said that was what she told Grandpa when he became angry at the fact that I could go fishing for half the day while I had apparently locked Jeanne in the hotel room with no lights and no television chained to the bed against her will being a very bad husband.  He didn’t say all that, but the fact that he thought me leaving her in the hotel at her request was a poor husband choice did kind of shine the light on the fact that my grandfather a. doesn’t know me well enough and b. has such an old school mentality and is still mentally stuck in 1940. 

        e. Grandma’s got alzheimers? 

As I touched upon this in the last bullet.  I had my concerns while chatting with her after fishing, but my concerns were squashed on Monday when she seemed to be back to her normal self. 

        f. Grandpa wants to sell the house? 

This is big news.  They live on around an acre on a lake and it is obviously getting too much for Grandpa to care for as he climbs to be near 80 years old.  They do not need such a large house.  The house has been in the family for 30 years and I couldn’t imagine life in the family without it.  Honestly, Jeanne and I have decided that we will buy it if they decide to sell and none of my aunts and uncles step up to buy it to keep it in the family.  This could seriously be our best shot at a vacation house on a lake.  The house would easily go for 700K to a cool million in the Chicago Suburbs because it is a large beautiful house on a lake, but down there it wouldn’t go for more than 250K.  I think we could find a way to make it happen.

    B.  This isn’t what I signed up for! 

After joining up w/Jeanne we were headed off to the family gathering that was just supposed to be me, Jeanne, mom, Shawn, Chris (older bro), Samantha (his wife), and their 5 beautiful children.  Instead it was all of us, plus Grandpa, aunt and uncle in town from texas, 17 cousins, another uncle and another aunt, my mothers fiance Kurt and his daughter, son and granddaughter.   I don’t know how the crazy math worked out, but in all there was a total of 33 people in the back yard that were all related in some sort of fashion.  Now that I think about it, as much as I rip on it, that has to have been the largest gathering of family members on that side of my family in my lifetime.  It was very reunionish, and honestly, that is not what I had signed up for that day. 

        a.  I have no desire to meet new cousins. 

I did meet a sleu of new cousins that I really was not excited about, although I should have been. 

        b. Meet Billy, your 28 year old cousin with 5 children who pretends to be adopted and not related the the white trashiness that is my family. 

Billy was funny.  We are a red neck family.  At this pseudo reunion, Billy was wearing Khaki pants, a long pressed Ralph Lauren dress shirt, brown leather belt, and brown leather dress shoes.  IT  WAS 85 DEGREES OUT AT A BACK YARD BARBEQUE.  My mom’s fiances 20 year old daughter with a tongue ring and many visible tat’s going through a divorce holding  her one year old said it best when she asked me if he was gay.    The highlight of meeting Billy was him pulling out a Macbook pro laptop at a banjo family reunion and showing pictures on the laptop.  I would bet my life savings that 90 percent of those in attendance had never seen a laptop before.  The icing on the cake was Billy pulling out his family tree software where he traced the family tree back to London.  This pissed many family members off because Grandpa had always told everyone that we had come right off the boat from Ireland.  This debate ended when Billy’s dad said I don’t know where the hell you got that info, but Grandpa would know where we come from.  I believe Billy. 

        c.  Once again, this isn’t what I or my mother/mother’s fiancee signed up for.   

Kurt, my mom’s future hubby were supposed to be at his house on the mississippi for the weekend, and instead were hosting a party.  Kurt was not happy.                                                                 

        d.  Mom has already had too much

not much to add her.  What is new.  Mom was happy by 6:00. 

        e.  Why are they sending my wife and sister in law to the store to buy my mom’s fiancee some whiskey? 

This scared me

        f.  Let’s take Shawn(little brother who was back from the Military on leave) out for drinks for the first time ever since he is now 21 so we can get away from the banjo music that is my family gathering before the whiskey is opened. 

Not much to add here.  We went down to Peoria for drinks on the Illinois River.  It was fun to have beers with my little bro for the first time. 

V.  Monday

    A.  Let’s see my little bro off to the Airport! 

        a. What’s wrong Shawn? 

They arrived at my hotel to say good bye and Shawn was in tears.  Apparently he and Mom had gotten into a fight that morning. 

        b. What’s wrong Mom? 

When seeing her Son now heading back to the military for another year crying, she too started crying and I can only describe the moment as awkward. 

        c. Why is everyone crying?  

        d.  Let’s go hang with the relatively normal side of the family.  

We went back to the Grandparents on the lake and had a nice lunch while chatting on the back deck for a few hours.  It was nice to wrap up the trip on a normal note. 

    B.  Let’s head home. 

        a.Let’s pick up my car that we left at Jeanne’s  fathers on Friday. 

When we got back into town, we swung by the father in laws to pick up my car and drive home seperately.  Jeanne apparently wanted to stay there for a while while I was anxious to get home and relax from a long crazy ass weekend. 

        b. Let’s piss off the wife. 

It became obvious to Jeanne that I wanted to leave, so she said to go ahead and go.  I didn’t think twice and hit the road.  Jeanne stayed and had dinner with her father.  I learned later that night that Jeanne was upset by my quick departure.  I remember something being said like “I visited with your crazy ass family for the whole weekend, and you can’t give my father an hour of your time?”  That is not what she said, but that is how I heard it.  Loud and clear.  She was right, and I felt bad. 

        c.  Let’s just get home and lick our wounds from this retarded weekend. 

Amen. 

Sorry for the length in this odyssey.  It was a crazy weekend that needed to be told.  Maybe we could make a made for TV drama about it.  This could have seriously been an extra 5 posts but I had to get it out before the weekend.  I think I am breaking a monster blogging rule in length, but it’s my blog, my story and my life. 

Let the weekend begin!

Filed under: Blood, In laws, achy, beer, cicada, confused, dad, excuse, fight, friend, fun, funny, grouchy, mad cow, mean, pain, scared, sleepy, smelly, sore, stink, train wreck, weird, wife