Hanging

That’s how I feel on this Monday.  I am still hurting from the weekend. 

Before I talk about that, I would just like to send a shout out to the Village of Volo police officer that thought it would be fun to pull me over for no reason other than the fact that I made a wrong turn in an unfinished subdivision where he was sitting at a dead end.  When did making a wrong turn become an offense?  The story went like this:  I pull into my buddies subdivision in volo that is still being developed.  I missed a turn and kept going straight thinking the road curves around towards his house.  It’s pitch black as there are no street lights yet.  Before I realized, the road comes to a dead end and there in the sheer darkness is a cop car staring at me.  So, I turn around realizing that I missed a turn.  As I turn around the cop flips on his lights and began to follow me. I turn onto the road that I missed and less than a block from my friends house he flips on his lights and pulls me over.  Apparently missing a turn is “Shady”.  The cop asks me what I was doing back there, and I told him I missed a turn.  He asked me where I was headed and I told him my friends house.  He asked where my friend lived, and I responded that I didn’t know the address but he lived right around where we were.  The cop didn’t believe me and I explained that I would be happy to call my friend that lives there on speaker phone.  So, I dialed the number and while on speakerphone asked him what his address was.  “Why, you’ve been to my house several times already, you know where it is…”  I explain that I took a wrong turn and I got pulled over.  “Shut the fuck up” he says on speaker phone for the cop to hear.  “Quit fucking with me and get over here”.  So, I explained to him that an officer is listening to our call and I am close to his house.  Within 10 seconds my friend says If you are in front of that cop car with the lights, you are 5 houses down from me.  The cop turns around and sees my friend in front of his house waving.  So the officer says he will be right back with my ID and Insurance card.  Five minutes later he returns with my info and tells me to have a good night.  WTF?  What did I do wrong?  Nothing. 

That was pretty much the start of a crazy weekend.  Saturday I drove downstate to Bloomington for the 2nd of 6 fantasy football drafts this year. If I had to classify my addictions in life Fantasy Football would be one of the highest on the list.  Before the draft 8 of us went out and played a round of golf.  I said earlier this year that my game has declined so horribly and it hasn’t improved much since the last time I played.  I sucked so bad on Saturday that a friend and I decided to play Sunday morning as well before I headed back to Northern Illinois. 

Saturday night was a free for all.  I was spending the night at my friend Chad’s house.  Chad’s wife had left town for the weekend with their twins, so we were free to do pretty much whatever we wanted to do and we didn’t disappoint.  It was interesting to be in the bars that I frequented while in college and I felt like I was “that old guy” that I would always see hanging out in the college bars when I was 21 years old. It’s an interesting perspective.  One thing is certain though, girls in college today wear less to the bars and are fatter.  I hate saying it like that, but I don’t remember heavy girls happy to show every curve back when I was in college.  It wasn’t like that at just one of the bars but all five bars we went to.  I took pictures.  I don’t know if I will upload them since I don’t want to get sued or anything.  Maybe I can figure out how to smudge faces or something, but it was bad, take my word for it.

That’s it for today.  Crazy week. Tonight I am going to twist some balloons with a bunch of other balloon artists.  We meet once every two months and I have a blast every time regardless of how goofy everyone is.

Filed under: Fatty, balloon, weekend

Jack & Grill

Before I hammer on my Jack & Grill experience this past week while in Denver, let me just say that the name of the new theme I am using for this blog is “Fresh Bananas”.  I chose this theme purely because of the name and had no interest in even seeing if it would appeal (yes, pun intended) to me.  Speaking of Fresh Bananas, have any of you ever tried eating a green banana?  I did a few weeks back and I’m not gonna lie.  It sucks.  Don’t do it.  It tastes like you are eating a slightly flavored root.  I took two bites and spit it out.  The banana peel would have tasted better.  I have a new found fascination with bananas after that experience.  I buy them green at the store and over the course of 24-48 hours they transform from banana flavored root to something soft and glorious.   …back to Jack & Grill. 

Regretably I don’t have pictures to support this visit.  When we finally got back into Denver after four hours on the road, I was in no mood to unpack my camera so the only image of anything from Jack & Grill was taken by Chris’s cellphone. 

Jack & Grill is in the Jefferson Park area of Denver’s inner city.  I had first learned about Jack & Grill while watching Man vs. Food a few weeks before the trip.  They did a segment on Jack & Grills breakfast burrito challenge.  It’s a Jack & Grill where they offer a 7 pound breakfast burrito.  Being a fan of breakfasts and a bigger fan of burritos, I immediately added a visit to this restaurant to the agenda for Thursday morning while only four of us were in town.  The deal with this 7 pound burrito is, if you eat it, your photo goes up on the wall.  Here is the burrito in all it’s glory:

 

This picture doesn’t even do it justice.  A man at a table next to us ordered it, and you have to see it to believe.  It is 7 pounds of breakfasty goodness.  Filled with grilled potatoes, eggs, ham, cheese, onions, chiles, and smothered in a spicy flavorful chile sauce.  I’m drooling right now thinking about it. 

Did I try the 7 pound challenge?  Hell no.  Unfortunately each of my days in Denver called for drinking lots of beer, and I doubt after putting 7 pounds of anything in my body that I will likely be able to function for the remainder of the day.  I did however try the smaller version of it that was offered as well.  The smaller version is 1/4 the size and still weighs in at roughly 1 and 3/4 pounds.  Childs play right?  Wrong.  One of the guys in our group couldn’t even finish the smaller one.  I think on a good day, I could put down two of the smaller versions, but by the time I was done with just one I was full. 

What surprised me the most was actually how unbelievably delicious the burrito was.    It was the perfect blend of breakfast and spice.  I love spicy food and it was perfect.  I am truly jealous of Denver.  From what I saw while I was there, their burgers are ridiculously sized as well.  If I lived in Denver, I would frequent that place if not weekly, monthly.  For 12 dollars, you can’t get a better deal. 

I’ll stop now, while I am hungry.  It’s the second to last Friday in Lent, and I don’t know what it is about not eating meat on Friday’s that make me want it that much more.  I’m hoping that Jack & Grill sticks around for many years, because it will definitely be one of my destinations next time I find myself in Denver for a few days. 

Have a great weekend!

Filed under: Fatty, bachelor party, barf, beer , Denver, Jack & Grill

all over the road

This Friday finds my mind wandering aimlessly with a side of fright.  First the fright part.  Two weeks ago, my company laid off 200 employees.  For the first time in 25 years of being in business we had a lay off.  The whole situation was quite surreal.  Upon walking into the office, I opened outlook and was welcomed with an email from our CEO announcing the layoffs.  It went something like this.  “By the end of the day, 200 coworkers will be ruthlessly escorted out of the building and will have to drive immediately to the unemployment office.  We wish you luck…”  or something like that. 

Upon reading the email, the temperature in our building must have dropped a good 15 degrees and it was eerily quiet.  My first plan was to begin removing many of the electronic documents that I have saved in email and on my work computer hard drive that I would need for home.  Then I almost wanted to start cleaning off my desk so that I would be prepared if I got the call.  By 3:30 in the afternoon, they hadn’t come to me yet, so I assumed that they wouldn’t for the day and at 4:01pm I ran out of the office and drove home thinking about the poor souls that came in to work that morning not realizing that by the end of the day they would be unemployed.  I have to assume they were offered a nice severance of some sort. 

So, this morning we had our team meeting and someone announced that they had heard a rumor that round two of layoffs would be going down on Monday.  I am not one for rumors since they usually are just rumors.  The funny part of the rumor was that they would be laying off 900 people this go around.  We all discounted the rumor, but I surely left the meeting feeling uneasy about what might go down on Monday.  Even if the 900 number is absurd, I have to wonder if they will be letting anyone go.  In this current state of the economy, it would suck to be unemployed, but luckily for me I am a professional balloon twister and have a second form of solid income.  Also I have a sugar mama (my wife) that is also an amazing Kindergarten teacher.  So, I guess I shouldn’t have too much to worry about since as they say “everything happens for a reason”. 

Besides, what could happen to me can’t possibly be as bad as what ex Illinois Govenor Rod Blagojevich has gone through in the past 24 hours.  I have to assume that his inspiration to not quit while being impeached must have been from recently watching the classic film A Knights Tale, where Heath Ledger fails to quit when everyone has discovered that he truly is not a Knight only to see Heath Ledger’s character get “Knighted” for being so brave.  I wonder if Rod Blagojevich might have thought that by not quitting, he would be “Knighted”. 

I got a good laugh out of the process when he compared his situation to Dr. Martin Luther King, Ghandi, and Nelson Mandela.   He mentioned that he tried to bring perspective into his arrest last year by thinking about those leaders.  If it were me, and I was arrested for pay to play, I might be thinking about Jesus Christ instead, because when they convict him for the corruption, that might be all he has left while in Prison. 

In other news, instead of buying my wife one wii fit for Valentines day, I bought her two.  When I decided that I would get her a wii fit, I tried locating them, without much success.  I finally found one through bestbuy.com and ordered it immediately.  I was told in the confirmation email from Best Buy that delivery would not be for a week or two.  So after work I got my hair did and dropped into gamestop next door, and much to my displeasure, they had 4 in stock.  I called the wife (she obviously knows that I am getting this for her for Valentines day) and she asked me to buy the one there because she just couldn’t wait the two weeks for delivery.  So, I did.  Much to my chagriness (I don’t know what Chagrin means and I am sure chagriness isn’t a real word, but I don’t care) I received an email from Best Buy that night with tracking info for the Wii that shipped out immediately.  Tracking shows it will be at my house today.  My wife hasn’t even opened the other one yet.  I will likely be making a trip back to Gamestop tomorrow now to return one of them. 

I am eagerly looking forward to this weekend.  It’s Super Bowl weekend.  I don’t really care for once in my life since I have little interest in the teams playing this year.  I am looking more forward to the food than anything.  Since I am not twisting balloons tomorrow, I will be making home made Jambalaya, Chili, Chili Cheese Dip, Cookies, and Rice Crispy Treats to take with me to the party on Sunday. Maybe I missed a calling in my life, but cooking for 5 or 6 hours is a great stress reliever for me.  Amidst this new push for weight loss, I am giving my diet a day of rest on Sunday and I plan on consuming more calories in one day than what I have consumed in the past two weeks.  My record for chili was set last year at 6 bowls over a 5 hour period.  My anus and wife have both already begun pleading with me to let that record stand and to abort any attempt at blowing it out (yes, pun intended).  Why they don’t play the game on Saturday to give our bodies (digestive tract) a day to recover before going back to the workplace on Monday is beyond me.  But then again, maybe Monday will be a short day for me anyway.

Filed under: Anus, Fatty, Hair cut, Wii, asspain, weekend, wife, work

Obama on the brain

Much has happened in the last 48 hours.  Not only do we have a newly elected president, but also our first african american president.  How exciting.  I have all sorts of thoughts running around my brain about this newly elected official, so I am going to spew them about as fast as possible. 

1.  Right now all of the news outlets are discussing who he is taking to Washington with him.  Rahm Emmanuel as his Chief of Staff.  All sorts of local Chicago suck up’s have (Not Emmanuel because I have never met the man and he intimidates the shit out of me) hit the jackpot now that their guy Obama has been elected.  I feel as if it’s a “The Jeffersons” tv show and everyone is movin on up to the east side (Whitehouse) since they finally got a piece of the pie. 

Amongst all of the people that are moving to Washington, I was waiting for the news to show a picture of me and announce “Dennis will be moving to Washington to be Barack’s official balloon twister to entertain the Obama children hours on end…”  One can dream, can’t he?

2.  Why does it always have to be about the black man?  The first black NFL football coach to win the Superbowl.  The first black President.  Why can’t it be “The first white coach to lose to a black coach in the Superbowl” or “The first white Presidential candidate to lose to a black Presidential candidate.”  Not that I really care either way.  Just sayin.

3. I am miffed slightly about my vote.  For president, as a republican and Catholic, my vote doesn’t count in the state of Illinois.  For all the other elections, it is loud and clear.  I still have issues with the whole electoral college bit, but being in Obama’s back yard hurts when I am not a supporter.  I pray that he is the second coming as the Democratic party has touted him to be, even though he is by far the least religious President based on his stance and voting history in regards to abortion and homosexuality among other religious political topics.  I won’t go down that road, but if you have time, I dare you to read about his voting history and stance on abortion, partial birth abortion, and the Born Alive Infants Protection Act that failed almost single handedly thanks to Barack Obama.  Google “why Jesus would not vote for Barack” and it makes for an interesting read.   

Outside of his views on abortion, I really like the guy.  Just because I didn’t vote for him doesn’t mean that I don’t have high hopes.  I think this country will be great with him at the helm and it will be a great story for the next four years. 

4. Piggy backing on the last post, Biden has hair plugs.  I don’t know why that’s funny to me, but it is.  Any time you can tell when someone had plugs, I giggle a little.  Insecurity about hair, or lack thereof, is funny to me. 

5. I will miss Sarah Palin as will many men in the US. 

This picture would be so much better if she was in one of those nurses outfits…

Here’s to hoping she makes a run for anything that puts her in the public spotlight on a frequent basis with those business suits and glasses sooner rather than later. 

I have other thoughts, but things keep flying in and out of my brain.

For the first time as a home owner, a neighbor is moving away.  Not only is a neighbor moving away, but a pot smoking, dog barking & pooping, child car stealing, no babysitting, fatty laying in the pool, flat tire car, ghetoo police arriving neighbor has moved away.  I almost did cartwheels when I saw the moving truck. Let me quickly explain each of my observations:

pot smoking: One of the many people that lived there or visited often had an older teenage boy. He would hide on the side of his car sitting in the grass at night only in view of my living room window and smoke weed.  I watched him several times.  It was funny to witness his name being called and to see how he would freak out and quickly hide the weed while he would jump up and run inside only to run back out and quickly finish it.  I debated about running out and quickly hiding it and having him come out and look around like a retard.  I could have called the police, but it was more entertaining to watch. 

dog barking & pooping:  They had these twin white poodles that would walk bark and shit everywhere.  We have rules about that in our neighborhood, and like Chuck Norris, they were above the law. 

child car stealing:  My wife watched one day as a four year old mohawked haired boy walked outside, with car keys, and proceeded to get in their van.  The four year old put the keys in the ignition and my wife watched as he started the car.  Being the kindergarten teacher that my wife is, she immediately ran out of the house and took the keys out of the cars ignition.  She knocked on the door and a grandmother answered ”wondering where the little shit went to”.  Not a single thank you to my wife.  The kid could have driven through our house.   

no babysitting:  See child car stealing above

fatty laying in the pool:  Each of the women were pushing 250 to 300lbs each.  I know, I weight close to that, and any one of the women could easily give me a beat down at the buffet line.  During the summer, all the fatties would bring their little kids out and the moms would lay in their bathing suits in the child’s inflatable pool while the kids played.  It was a very difficult thing to watch and I recalled fighting back my gag reflex on several occasions.  Let’s just say that the blinds were left down a lot this summer.   

flat tire car: They had a car parked for a good four months with a flat tire.  Once again above the neighborhood law.   

ghetoo police arriving:  I have no idea why since the police would only respone by saying “please move on sir, everything has been handled”.  I never saw a body carted out, so I assume it was a domestic incident of some sort.   

When we bought out in Round Lake in a beautiful subdivision, we thought we had moved away from the ghetto that we once lived in only to be welcomed by this neighbor.  They are gone now, so life is a little bit better in the hood.

Filed under: Barack Obama, Fatty, Ghetto, Vote, creepy, moving, stupid, trailer, weird

Moving on

I am sorry for being Debbie Downer on the last post, but it needed to be said.  Everything I wrote has been on my mind for the past Month and I held it in as long as I could. 

Here are some other thoughts and highlights from this past lazy  day weekend. 

I twisted balloons all day Saturday and followed it up with a fantasy football draft from the comfort of my own home. 

I really dislike people that take advantage of others.  This happened to me on Saturday afternoon while wrapping up a party.  I am debating as to whether her mistake was an honest error or taking advantage of me.  I was twisting balloons and doing my thing.  I arrived at her house at 3:30 and was scheduled to twist balloons for two hours.  At one point, the mother came up to me and cut me off saying she was concerned that I was becoming too expensive.  Not knowing what she meant, I said, ok and finished up.  She pulled me aside and asked how much she owed and I looked at my watch and saw that it was 5:45.  For some reason I thought I started at 4:00 and quoted her my hour and 45 minute rate. I thought I began at 4:00 because only once every 100 or so events will I actually begin at a non ”on the hour” start time.   She said fine and wrote the check knowing that I had been there twisting balloons for two hours and 15 minutes which is why she began panicking. 

I would have only charged her the two hour rate since it was my doing that I stayed longer, but instead she short paid me.  I lean on the side of being taken advantage of and I ended up getting $25.00 less than what I should have.  I didn’t realize it until I was 30 minutes into my drive home and I debated turning the car around and confronting her.  It wasn’t worth my time and this is the second event I have done for her group, so I chose to avoid the conflict and mark it up as a business lesson learned. 

One of the more interesting things happened in my house yesterday.  I decided to cut open a watermelon recently bought (only 5 days earlier) and was horrified to have a ton of rancid smelling liquid pour out.  After opening it up, I realized that the entire insides of this watermelon was rotten.  So, I quickly grabbed a rag to clean up the liquid.  As I did, I had my wife come over and hold the garbage bag open while I manuvered the three large chunks of watermelon into the bag.  Behind me on the stove I had begun boiling a pot of water for dinner when I began smelling something that wouldn’t normally come from boiling water.  To my surprise while I had both hands full of watermelon, I saw the rag fully engulfed in flames on the kitchen counter.  Somehow I threw it down right next to the flame under the pot of water.  I dropped the watermelon and quickly grabbed the engulfed rag threw it into the sink where I hosed the fire down with water.  It was at that moment that I decided that we should have a fire extinguisher in the kitchen. 

The past weekend was a comedy of errors really.  After running around all day Saturday I only left the house for a total of 15 minutes on Sunday and Monday and that was to get my wife some ice cream.  I realzied that being in the house for two full days is a bad idea because I love to cook.  I was cooking all weekend.  When I cook I eat and I ate a lot over the past two days.  It is time to get back to the gym on a regular basis and re-lose the weight I have put on over the past month of stress induced eating. 

Tonight I have the fifth and final fantasy draft of the young fantasy football season.  Tomorrow night I have bleacher tickets for the Cubs game.  Thursday night I have my usual Thursday night billiards league.  I am looking down the barrel at a good three nights of drinking and my liver has begun to quiver.

Filed under: Fatty, weekend

I am bored and I like it

For the first time in a very long time, things have come to a screeching halt.  After months of commitment every single night of the week, I am free.  Last night, for the first time this Summer, I was home before 9pm.  I didn’t know what to do with myself. 

Last weekend I went camping for the first time in over 10 years.  We went up to the Warren Dunes in Michigan.  It was camping, but it wasn’t.  We slept in a tent, that is true.  We cooked over fire, that is true as well.  But the bottom line is that we didn’t have to “rough it” like one might think when thinking of the word “camping”.  The campsites are called “modern” according to Warren Dunes for good reason.  A cellular signal was had, there were showers and bathrooms that I was overly impressed with considering the amount of visits that both get throughout the day.  There was a little trading post store that you walked to where you bought wood, which was different for me since I am used to scavenging through the woods to provide fuel for the fire.  I think the hardest part of camping was the damn mosquito’s.  At one point, I caught a mosquito making sweet, sweet, mosquito love to my ankle.  I have a line of no less than 8 bites in a row to prove it.  I would guestimate that I was bitten no less than 80 times, with the crowning bite being right in the middle of my forehead. 

I had been looking forward to camping for more than 6 months since that was how long it had been since we had reserved the site.  Sadly, what was most exciting to me was the food possibilities.  I am a fan of food, and a bigger fan of food that is grilled.  I love to cook, and when you give me free run of cooking whatever I want over a flame, I am going to go crazy.  I was busy last week compiling my menu for the three days.  I took the propane fueled turkey fryer as well to experiment with some super secret recipe’s that I have thought about.  I ended up making all of these things for the first time while camping that will be re-duplicated at home now that they went over well.  I must caution you before you read on since the following descriptions read like a Penthouse Forum book to a fat person that loves food. 

Home made potato chips-  My goodness.  For my first attempt at potato chips, they were unbelievably amazing.  Crispy, light brown, salty.  I have decided that I will never buy store bought chips again, since one 10lb bag of potato’s can create so many potato chips. 

Beer battered onion rings- These turned out good, but can definitely be improved.  You should use a dark beer for the batter, but all I had was miller lite, and flour that expired in 2004. (Doh!)  By the last couple of batches, the heat had cooled and they were a bit crispier, but they were still awesome for my first go. 

Eggs Nest breakfast. (Sausage, with a ring of hash browns, eggs in the middle covered with cheese)  I wanted to dump sausage gravy on top, but this breakfast didn’t turn out as well as it should have.  I didn’t have a cooking spray to coat the foil, and had double foiled it, so what should have taken less than a half hour turned into almost lunch.  I thought it was ok, my wife loved it. 

Boiled Omelets.  This one surprised me.  I boiled water in the huge pot for the Turkey fryer.  I took zip lock baggies and filled them with Ham, Musrooms, Onions, Green Pepper, Eggs, and american cheese.  Squish the bag and shake it until everything is mixed and the eggs are seriously scrambled.  Drop the sealed bags into boiling water, and within 10 minutes, you dump out the bag onto your plate and you have one of the most amazing breakfasts ever.  I one upped it and boiled a bag of western style hash browns as well.  In hindsight, I would have boiled a bag of canned sausage gravy as well, but it was still amazing.  I don’t know what it is about food that get’s me.  

I am entirely too excited about what I ate, and I know it.  Sorry to take you on this weird ride.  It just dawned on me that the last few minutes of typing is exactly why I will never be thin. 

Finally, one last food tidbit.  For the first time in my life, I had a smore.  Not that this is a crowning achievement, but at the age of 31, firsts don’t come that often anymore.  The group we were camping with couldn’t fathom a person at the age of 31 never having had a smore before, so I busted out the sob tale of mommy and daddy caring more about room in the coolers for beer than chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers on childhood camping trips.  Violin sounds could be heard in the background. 

That’s it.  It’s been to few and far between posts, so I will try and shorten them up and make them more frequent.  As I mentioned, there have been some life changing events lately, and I will elaborate in time. 

Have a great remainder of the week!

Filed under: Fatty, Overcommitment, Vacation, boredom, confused, stupid, weekend, weird, wife

All over the road

A Happy Belated Fathers Day to all dad’s out there.  I called my dad, got voicemail, left a message and that was that.  I’m not very close with my father, and I have learned that it’s not really my fault, so I am fine with that.  The only real thing we have in common is a gene that makes us both addicted to fishing, and we make amazing fishing partners, and that’s about it.  I love the guy to death, but we have nothing else in common.  My father doesn’t know it, but he taught me probably the greatest lesson any father can teach their son, and that’s what not to do when I myself am a father.  To celebrate fathers day, I was able to plant my ass on my couch at 10:00pm last night and watched There Will Be Blood.  Not knowing much about it, I would have to say that Daniel Day Lewis portrays a father that closely resembles my father in many ways.  I highly recommend the movie.  I am a huge fan. 

In other weekend news, Directv decided to torture me by offering every single movie channel for free.  I would image this would be good for dads that want to spiderhole themselves in a basement recliner for the entire weekend, but for me it just reminds me of what I am missing on a regular basis as well as the fact that it’s not really my decision to not have all the movie channels. 

Friday night I realized that I am 31 going on 12 when at 10:55pm at Great America, my friend and I actually starting running as fast as we could to try and get in line for the final rollercoaster that we absolutely had to ride before they cut off the line for the 11:00 closing time.  After running harder than I had in a very long time, we arrive at the roller coaster only to be denied by two girls that might have been 19.  I don’t know whether I was more embarrased at the fact that I was weezing from running so hard for a roller coaster, or the fact that two girls just told me no four times overcoming each of my objections with a response of “thanks for coming to great america”.  I assume that was one of the first training classes they had to go through when working there.  It might have been titled “How to tell a fat overweight old guy, who will not accept no, that it’s time to go home.” 

If my summer wasn’t absolutely busy enough, I had the genius idea yesterday during our trip to home depot to start a garden on my balcony.  This has trainwreck written all over it.   I like tomatoes and our balcony is all of 10ft by 6ft, adorned with a grill and new table set with chairs and umbrella.  I am going to attempt to grow 8 tomato, 2 jalapeno, 18 cucumber, 36 radish (don’t ask) , 6 onion, and 12 cilantro plants.  Do you see a theme here?  I am thinking that I will be able to produce no less than 12 gallons of salsa from my fancy little garden.  I anticipate that I may need to move my operations under my balcony due to space.  What’s funny about that is my association allows nothing to be grown anywhere that’s not planted by the landscapers so I will harvest my garden under the balcony late at night under the cover of darkness as if I was involved in an illegal marijuana operation.  My balcony is surrounded by large bushes, so I have already plotted out a way through the bushes to begin my evil plot to produce healthy veggies. 

 

 

Filed under: Fatty, Gardeny goodness, Overcommitment, dad, stupid, train wreck, weekend, wife

Soreness

It’s been almost two full days since we did the Chicago Indoor Racing, and I am sad to admit that I am still sore.  Muscles that I never knew existed are convulsing today.  Did you know that you have a muscle in your stomach below your belly button?  I didn’t, but thanks to Chicago Indoor Racing, I do now! 

For the record, it was a blast.  I just wish that I hadn’t drank so much the night before so that I could have enjoyed the two hours of open bar after the racing.

Out of twenty racers, I qualified for the final 30 lap race and eventually finished 5th.  For a fat guy, that isn’t so bad.  The carts are fast as shit and if I could ever be organized enough to round up 20 friends for a night of fun, it would definitely begin with Chicago Indoor Racing.  What amazes me the most is the technology involved.  You would expect simple go-kart racing that you would get at any old festival or race track.  But these machines are so fine tuned and fast.  While you are not racing you can track what friend is in what cart and their position and how many seconds they are ahead or behind. (runon? Who cares) The coolest part of the whole evening was before I even got out of the racing suit and upstairs to grab my first beer, I was handed a printout that showed my lap splits for all four of my races which highlighted my fastest lap and average lap time.  It also created charts as to what position I began the race vs where I finished, highlighting who I past, or who past me.  Some of our guys had top lap times for the week amongst all racers, which was pretty damn cool. 

After racing we had some incredible food, good drinks, and finished it off with free video games.  I don’t know how much it was per person, but I have to believe that we were around 100.00 per person.  If so, it was so worth it since our team still can’t stop talking about it.  If you ever get a chance to strap yourself in to one of the carts, I recommend it. 

The funniest part of the evening is when you finally decide to leave.  As you walk through the glass door you notice a sign that says “The racing’s now over, be safe as you drive home.” or something to that effect.  I didn’t think about it until I was in my car driving and I had to hold back from cutting corners and swerving around people to get position for the next corner.  

I am looking forward to my next visit. 

After a softball game Monday night, Racing on Tuesday, and another Softball game last night, I am waking like an 80 year old man hoping that it will eventually recover for one of my favorite golf outings of the year tomorrow.

I get to join my dear friend www.stupidtom.com tomorrow for a day of debauchery on the golf course.  My only issue is that I was buttonhooked into twisting balloons at the church ice cream social following the outing, so I have to lay off the hard stuff while I golf.  BoOOOooo.  This outing is traditionally a drunk sprint and I have to wonder how much fun I will have while sipping on a can of beer the whole afternoon.  Oh well.  I can’t recall the exact saying but i’m thinking that a sober day at the golf course beats a drunk day at work…or something like that. 

Filed under: Car, Fatty, Racing, alli, balloon, beer, body, drunk, pain, sore, weird, work

Pin Prick my ass!

As a follow up to yesterday’s post, the insurance lady came and she ran the tests needed to find out how much our monthly premiums will be for life insurance.  There is something about having a health test ran on me by someone that is so severely overweight that it made me giggle.  Here is this woman that hauled all her shit into my house to ask me questions about my health.  I kept thinking about the Adam Sandler skit Fatty McGee who kept weezing because he “liked the stairs”.   She had to have been pushing a good 300lbs up the stairs to my living room. As she came in the smell of ashtray followed her.  She must have just chained two cigarettes within five minutes with the way she smelled which prompted me to allow her to test my wife before me regardless of the fact that I can’t watch blood being drawn from another person, much less my own wife.

I hung out in the kitchen cooking dinner until it was my turn and by the time I was up, the smell had dissipated some.  I hate needles.  More than you could ever imagine.  I am such a wuss when it comes to needles.  Something about sticking a sharp metal object into my vein doesn’t do it for me.  I could never be a heroin addict regardless of the high.  I thought I read where they just do a finger prick to draw blood but apparently the amount that we are requesting for insurance required a gallon. (not really, but two big vials felt like a gallon to me) She was nice.  I’ll give her that much.

So today I had a doctors appointment where I was to have what I thought was a mole removed from my back.  I thought it was a mole, but it turns out that it was actually a skin tag.  I dare you go google the word skin tag.  Make sure you click on images before you google it though, and you my friend are in for a treat.  I swear, Google images is our generations freak show.

Skin tag, abcess, zit, tumor, skin disease, brown recluse, among many others are words you can google if you have any desire to test the boundaries of your stomach lining. Just don’t attempt it after eating.

The removal wasn’t so bad.  The skin tag had grown to the size of a raisin on the middle of my back and I knew that when my cats started batting at it thinking that it was a bug meant that it was time to have it removed.  That and the fact that while in Vegas a few weeks ago I caught several children pointing at it and snickering like I didn’t know it was there.  My friends had a flicking competition while in the pool to see who could get it the most.  So, goodbye mole…or skin tag.  I bled like I had been shot when the doctor cut it off.  Twice in consecutive days I had a needle stuck in my body and I hope that I don’t go three for three.  To treat myself for being a good little sport this evening I bought what I assume is the fattest most disturbing burger on the Red Robin menu.  The Whiskey River burger.  That just screams fatty.  When I was a kid I would ask for a lollipop, but eerily as I age, a nice big fat juicy burger has a better effect than candy on a stick.

Tomorrow night I get to go to my first Cubs game.  Watch for me on TV if you get the game on television.  I will be sitting right next to the guy who created the Fukudometer.  Go Cubbies!

Filed under: Cubs, Fatty, achy, pain, stink, weird, wife

Easter updatish

I am reeling about how fast time has come and gone.  It’s one week until I leave for Vegas.   By this time next week, I will be in bright sunny warm Las Vegas sipping on my first complimentary coctail of choice and doubling down on 11, and playing the dragon hand. 

For the past few days I have been going to www.weather.com to look at the weather forecast, and I have to call Bullshit on the weather people.  Every single day that I have gone to the site to see what they think the weather will be on the Wednesday that we arrive it is a different forecast.  3 days ago, when it was the farthest date out that they dare guess, it was supposed to be a high of 65 degrees.  Two days ago, it was a high of 68 degrees.  Yesterday it was 70.  Today it says a high of 78 degrees.  What’s it going to say tomorrow.  I won’t get into my feelings on people that predict the weather, because in Chicago our local weathermen don’t have a particularly strong history of being right.  When they say that we shouldn’t expect snow, we get 8″.  When they say to expect a hardcore blizzard, we get 2″.  Bullshit.  I don’t care what anyone says, and how much technology and dopler radars there are, you can’t do it.  Without even a single day of studying weather in college, I could be a weather man.  How hard is it?  Which way is the wind blowing from?  Oh, from the west?  What’s the temperature today in Iowa?  Oh, it’s snowing in Iowa.  Shit, we might get some snow then.  Be prepared for 2-4 inches of snow tomorrow!  Done.  Piece of cake.  And if it misses us, how am I any different that the people that studied it for 4 years in college?  I’m not.  I bet I would be right half the time, though. 

Another update is that I have hit my goal for my trip to Vegas.  I am seriously proud of myself for my weight loss.  I eclipsed the 25 pound threshold earlier this week.  Back on January 7th, I vowed to lose 25 pounds in 75 days, and I did it.  Until 10 minutes ago, I thought that my goal was 30lbs and I was going to cut it close but looking back at my posts the beginning of January, it looks like I set a goal that I achieved.  I am still going to work hard this week and see if I can hit the 30lb mark by Wednesday of next week.  4 lbs in one week is doable. 

Go me. 

I would worry about destroying my weight loss this weekend in one of my favorite holiday’s for eating, but for the first time, we will not be having dinner as a family on Easter since most of our local family will be out of town.  So, my wife and I are taking her father out for something unorthodox. 

So, this is how our conversation about Easter Dinner went last night: 

Me: Where do you want to take your father for Easter Dinner?

Jeanne:  I don’t know…maybe a Brunch of some sort…

Me: What about the Barn of Barrington?  We have never been there before. 

Jeanne:  I don’t think that the Barn of Barrington is a good idea….

Me:  Why not?  I heard that the buffet is awesome there…

Jeanne:  It brings back bad memories.

Me: What? Of old boyfriends?  I don’t care. 

Jeanne:  I used to go there with Kyle (ex-fiance) and his mother on Easter.

Me: So!  I take you to my favorite pizza place when we go back to my hometown all the times.  I can’t tell you how many girls I took there during highschool and college. 

Jeanne:  Yeah, but did you plan to have your wedding reception and Davis Brothers Pizza in Creve Coeur, Illinois?

Me:  Touche!   

I guess we won’t be going to the Barn of Barrington for Easter this year…or ever for that matter. 

Filed under: Fatty, bachelor party, ride the snake, stupid, wife