The silent assassin strikes again

I feel sick to my stomach at this precise moment.  Why is it that the people I enjoy working with quit and the douchebags that I can’t stand continue to taunt me in my workplace?  I started working for the man three years ago and when I started I had a crew of friends that I went through training with who became the closest things to friends that I had at my place of work.   Eventually, one by one they left leaving me seriously with not nearly someone I would remotely consider a friend at my office.  On top of that, instead of being seated in a “quad” cubicle arrangement, I was placed in a “solo” cube with my back to a window, therefore I am as isolated as it gets in a cloth walled farm.  I go days without the interaction of another human other than the clients I serve over the phone.  I have taken on the role of what I consider a ghost in my office, which I could debate the many positives and negatives in astouding fashion.  The good thing is that I can come and go anytime I please and no one is the wiser.  The bad thing is that I don’t interact with anyone on my team, leaving me to be “that weird guy”.  Maybe I’m not “that weird guy” but I get the vibe that maybe I am.  My nickname on my team is “The silent assassin”.  They call me that because sometimes when they do team emails and people start ripping each other, I usually come up with a doozie to which you can hear everyone start laughing out loud and say “The silent assassin strikes again!” I don’t know what it is but when I have a few moments to think along with the aide of google images, I can pretty much email slam anyone.  Maybe that’s why no one talks to me.  Hmmmm….

All of this has been brought out by one of the last few people that I truly enjoyed working with walking out today.  I didn’t even know he was leaving, nor did he say goodbye, which tells you how close we were.  He sat a few desks over from me and he was truly the heart and sole of our team.  Always good for comedy relief and probably one of the most liked reps in our company.  He was the guy that would tear ass as loud as he possibly could just to be funny regardless of who could hear.  No holds barred.  The only good that will come of his departure is the massive book of business that will be chopped up and passsed along to the rest of us.  It was interesting to see how he walked out with his box at 11:30 and by 11:35 people were swarming to take wall clips, and vendor stuff that he left behind. 

Beyond that, there is nothing like starting the New Year off with a week chock full of church meetings.  This year hasn’t gotten off to the start that I had hoped, so I am going to be making some changes. 

I have a ton of fun stuff to share about my quest from Christmas through New Years Eve, and hope to begin that over the next few days.  

I am sad to report that I finished reading my first novel as an adult.  Outside of reading the bible, I haven’t picked up a book since I was 22. (That’s the sad part) It’s been more than 10 years since I sat down and began reading something other than a magazine.  I forgot how relaxing it is to get lost in a good book.   I did finish reading Max Tuckers I hope they serve beer in Hell, but I wouldn’t quite consider that a novel. In 5 days I tore through a Dean Koontz book called The Eyes of Darkness.  I am now a big fan.  Thankfully my wife has been reading his books for many years, so I have an instant library of more than 10 of his books at my disposal to devour over the coming year.  I don’t know if this is a sign that I am getting old or not, but I might be inclined to believe so. 

Oh well…back to the grind.  I’ve got to keep being quiet so no one at my office figures out that I’m a pretty fun person.

Filed under: Livin the dream, New Year, boredom, fart, friend , Silent Assassin

Arrivederci!!!

I am licking my wounds today, but I made it through yesterday.  My back is achy after driving for 6 1/2 hours on my quest around the Chicagoland area.  The good news is that the Cubs won.  Sitting in the freezing cold was tough, but worth it. 

If you didn’t know this already, consider yourself warned.  Do not ever order ball park nachos with double the jalapeno peppers the night before you have to fly.  I don’t think I need to explain the reasoning here, but it does have something to do with a certain Johnny Cash song titled with the words ‘ring’ and ‘fire’ in it.  If I didn’t know better, I would believe that maybe Mr. Cash went to a ball game and had double peppers on his Nacho’s the night before he wrote that song. 

I know way back in the past I talked about all of the oriental trading crap that my vendors give me in conjunction with marketing material.  99% of what is given to me goes into a box that will eventually be picked through by nieces/nephews/god children.  Not yesterday or today, though. Yesterday a vendor walked by and gave me a bottle of wine with their logo on it.  I am beginning to debate how long before I pop open the bottle and secretly swig away here at my desk.   I have been given beer as well, but that does me no good at my desk because at no point would I ever resort to drinking warm beer. 

I didn’t think that a bottle of booze could be topped.  I was wrong.

Today one of my vendors walked around and gave every single rep on my floor a Flarp. 

 

For those of you who have been the lucky enough to come into contact with one of these, you know why I am celebrating this day.  Right now at this moment, you have roughly 200 people making random farting noises on my floor.  A different vendor brought in lunch today, and I have twice had to take a moment to remind myself that it is not really gas being passed. 

The good in all of this is that moving forward I no longer need to fear passing gas in the workplace.  I could literally walk outside of my Directors office and tear ass like never before and no one would be the wiser. 

This afternoon I board a plane and head to Las Vegas for the US National Billiard Championships.  Guess what’s goin with me!!???  FLARP!!! 

I think that this fun item could serve me well in Vegas.  It’s small enough to be a card protector while playing poker.  Small enough to pass the 3 ounce liquid rule with airport security. 

Well…that didn’t take long.  8 minutes into the floor having Flarps, an email from upper management told us to put it away and get back to work.  It was fun while it lasted…

I am sure there will be some interesting stories to share upon my return. 

Filed under: Cubs, billiard, fart, weird, work

Happy New Year!

Yes, how exciting it it?  2008!  Yahoo!  (whatever) 

For the first time in my adult life I really don’t give a flying rat’s ass that we have hit a new year.  Actually I may have transformed into a grumpy man at the passing of midnight because the older I get the faster time goes.  So much to do in so little time. 

It also didn’t help that my entire Christmas/New year break from work was occupied with a strange illness that seriously almost put me in the hospital.  I don’t know if it was the flu…or some sort of virus, but for 3 straight days I had stomach cramps.  Bad ones.  They were so bad that I begged my wife to go to the store and buy me midol.  She laughed when I asked for it, thinking I was joking, but I wasn’t.  She wouldn’t do it, but after a few days of eating nothing but toast and water, the stomach issues finally went away.  What a fun way to spend the New Year.  I felt even worst because we had a planned trip to go down to Indy and spend New Years with my wife’s friends from college and my mystery illness prevented us from making the trip. 

So, New Years was still a good time.  My wife and I stayed in and played board games while I tore ass like nobody’s business all night.   I actually laughed at one point at how far our relationship has come in 7 years.   We used to stay in on New Years and do appetizers mixed in with a little hanky panky.  Now we stay in and wear our pajamas and pass gas (me passing gas, not my wife) while playing board games.  Good times and good images.  What can I say, I am a true romantic. 

Speaking of New Years, while we watched Dick Clark’s Rockin New Years Eve this year, and I hate to say it, but it’s time to pass the torch to Ryan Seacrest.   I can’t say I am a huge fan of Seacrest, but I will say that I enjoy watching him more than a post stroke Dick Clark.  I don’t want to be the bad guy, but Dick Clark is 78 years old and has worked his entire life.  Should he finally just sit back and enjoy the empire that he created without worrying about being there?  I have to wonder if he continues to count down the ball drop because he feels it wouldn’t be the same without him or if it is the networks that pressure him into it.  It says alot when my wife will not look at the TV screen when he is on it because she doesn’t want his current condition being how she remembers someone that she enjoyed watching while she was growing up.  I would have to agree with her.  After a church meeting last night while discussing it over a couple of beers, a few guys even went so far to say that Dick Clark is a vampire that they drag out of his coffin once a year.  When discussing what we thought his age was we estimated that he was in his late 80’s, but after doing a little research today, I was surprised to learn that he is only 78 years old.  He is younger than my grandparents which is pretty surprising.  I even have to wonder if his still young looks and brown hair at that age is due to hair coloring or if he is a freak of nature and never went gray. 

Today I finally get my new permanent porcelain tooth installed.  Is that what they call it?  An installation?  In 55 minutes I will sit down in a chair and pray that the same woman that F’d up my previous 2 visits doesn’t do the same with the installation of my new permanent tooth.  I am still upset that they didn’t let me pick a crazy ass color for my new tooth.  I would have done Gold.  Or Purple.  How cool would it be to have a purple tooth?  Pretty bad ass if you ask me. 

This is day 2 of my New Years resolutions. I have done well and will post about every single leaf that I have turned over so that when I am observed with a cigarette hanging out of my mouth another 2olbs heavier I can feel the embarassment that I feel when I see other people drop their resolutions by the second week of January. 

I hope each and every one of you have a wonderful 2008 and beyond!

Filed under: New Year, Resolutions, confused, dentist, fart, game shows, grouchy, mean, pain, romance, sore, stink, stupid, train wreck, weird, wife, work

Well the weather outside is…

About as bad as it gets. (Frightful?)

Today I am bored out of my skull.  I distinctly remember saying that earlier today out loud and realizing that if I were a manager, I might not like hearing an employee say how bored they were.  But it is true.  I am sitting at my desk twiddling thumbs and organizing my new wallet.   None of my customers have been in this week.  The week between Christmas and New Years is always dead.  I have taken a couple of days off to stretch my own holiday, but I guess I would rather not waste my own vacation days until I can actually dip my toes in an ocean or double down on eleven when the dealer shows  six at 8:00am in the morning after a night out on the Vegas strip.   Besides, these days allow me to actually catch up from the craziness that is the first half of December. 

I had an ultra sound done yesterday, and they didn’t do it on my stomach.  I can’t go to far into it, but the doctor found a mass in one of my giggle berries.  I wish I could just go all out on a post where I explore many different viewpoints about having a strange man squirt goo all over your testicles and proceed to rub a microphone all around while snapping photos on some expensive electronic equipment.   My scrotum sounds like a baby.  I could hear the heart beat and everything.  I could take every thought and turn them this way and that and really dig deep, but I won’t. 

I will say that it was ultrasound amateur hour.  I was intentionally scheduled with a male ultrasound technician because they wanted me to be comfortable.  I was shocked upon entering the mood lit room to find a woman waiting.  I was introduced to her and told that she is training and would be “sitting in” on her first male ultra sound.  Great.  So, I laid down, the guy did his thing, and upon completion he stood up and asked me if I would mind the lady giving it a whirl for the first time.  “Why not?” I answered.  I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe we should call out to Dorris and Betty out at the front counter and see if they wanted to give it a go as well.  So, I laid there while a woman that wasn’t supposed to even be in the room played with my balls as an educational experience.  Good times.   

The new year is upon us.  This will be my first year at disappointing myself (resolutions).  The list is growing.  Ever since I decided to try out the New Years Resolution thingy, it seems that everything that I do wrong in life has turned into something that I am going to fix as of January 2nd.  (Not January 1st, because who wants to start a diet/stop drinking/quit farting/stop smoking/stop picking his/her nose/stop watching free porn on a day known for binge eating/drinking?)

So, come January 2nd, I will magically turn into a new man.  More to come on the magical change that will/won’t happen.  Have a safe and happy New Year celebration. 

Filed under: Gay, balls, boredom, confused, excuse, fart, free porn, grouchy, mean, scrotum, stupid, train wreck, weird, wife, work

Nausea, heart burn, indigestion, upset stomach…diawhat?

Hey!  Pepto Bismol!

That has been me since Christmas eve.  If I had to choose an item that would depict my 2007 holiday celebration, it would be Pepto Bismol.  Not just because of the crazy ass food served by my back woods family, but because of this virus that seemed to latch onto my ass the day before christmas and has nearly sent me to a doctor several times ever since.  Yea! Pepto Bismol!

Christmas has come and gone and I am happy to report that I made it.  There were times I doubted being able to make it, but I did.  Here are a few of the highlights:

Favorite Christmas toy received:  previously reported Kitchen Cooked Potato chips were in the lead until my wife came through with a remote controlled helicopter.  bad ass

Funniest Christmas moment:   during Christmas dinner on Christmas day with my in-laws.  At the table, my father in law who, bless his heart, is now 84 years young, (comma alert) was complaining about how noisy everyone was being. To give you a little background, he recently was the receipient of hearing aids for the first time in his life.  I say that they are turned up too loud, my wife disagrees.  My point was proven up hearing these words exit his mouth during dinner:

“Would you stop chewing the lettuce so loudly, it’s hurting my ears!”  Priceless.  I had to bite my toungue from bursting out with laughter in front of everyone.   That is something I never thought I  would hear in my lifetime, someone complaining about the noise of lettuce chewing.  It is my belief that they did not install hearing aids, but accidentally installed superhero sensors into his ears which allow him pick up on faint screams much like superman. 

Funniest Dinner Served through my four days of travel:  pan fried ham and some cheese/salsa/hamburger concoction.  My mother’s stove broke down and all she had access to was a crock pot and skillet.  So, she fried some ham, and poured a bunch of cheese/salsa/and skillet fried hamburger into a crockpot.  Yummie.  This meal would be the beginning of my 5 day binge of Hey! Pepto Bismol!

Filed under: fart, grouchy, mad cow, pain, poop, puke, scared, sleepy, smelly, sore, stink, stupid, weird, wife

Dennis Dumpy Day

Warning!!!! Warning!!! Warning!!! This post was written about Tuesday, started on Wednesday and finished on Thursday.  Life grabbed me by my left nut and wouldn’t let go until….now. 

The words Last night or Yesterday have been removed and replaced with the word Tuesday. 

Today I am licking my wounds from what can only be described as dennis dumpy day on Tuesday. 

At 10:30 Tuesday night it dawned on me that Tuesday might have been one of the lesser fun days that I have ever experienced in my lifetime.  Let me explain…

Nothing like starting your day off with a Root canal!  Six needle injections in the mouth and jaw later, I am ready for the root canal.  Can’t they name it something else?  I understand that they are cleaning out the root canal, but some sort of medical term that hides the fact that they will be sticking little scary dental files in and out of the roots of your tooth for 4 hours is in order.  Something like “Happy Canal treatment” or ”Big boob treatment”.  Those would all be better.  And while we are at renaming it, they should make the experience more enjoyable somehow.  I saw in one of those gadget magazines on the airplane during my trip to keywest a pair of glasses that, when worn, give you the impression of sitting infront of a movie theatre.

Put a movie on or something while you are digging away at the bowels of my tooth.  Porn will work…

Not a bad start to Dennis dumpy day.  The day got better as I went back to work afterwards.  Then Tuesday night as I arrived at Red Robin to twist, I was blindsided by a new “contract” if you will.  Apparently a shitty ass twister is working at another one of their locations and is charging them what he is worth.  Since they see no value in what I do, they told me Tuesday night that since this guy only charges this much that I either have to agree to his rates or hit the road. (It sounded much nicer than that…something like…”We don’t want to lose you but this is what we have to do…”)  What sucks is that it ends up being a 33 percent cut in my pay and they are not willing to allow me to offset my cut in pay with promotion of tip receiving.  I wanted to tell them to take this job and shove it.  I am worth more than what they were paying me to begin with, but now I have to work for less?  You have got to be shitting me.  But this is the issue.  What I make there every Tuesday night pales in comparision to the big business picture. I can’t get too precise for fear of the man coming down on me, but I will say that I make the bulk of my ballooning income from private events where I actually met the individual at the restaurant while twisting.  So, I will take my pay cut with a side of KY, please! Now I want to become a shitty twister and work as hard as they are now paying me.  Maybe I won’t shave before I go.  Maybe I will start wearing dirty clothes with big greasy stains on the shirt.  I don’t know…but all I am saying is I want them to realize that what they had was good.  If that means me walking away, I know that I would be cutting off my nose…  After all, I would attribute the restaurant as the main driver to the 400% growth I have seen on the balloon business year over year.  Suck it up and make me a bike, clown! I am debating on whether I am going to reach out to that shitty ass twister.  I know that he is shitty becuase I booked him for an event last summer where we needed him due to the abundance of children and the fact that I have 4 events scheduled that day.  I want to say more, but probably shouldn’t for fear of slander or some stupid blog suit that could come out of this if he ever comes across this site. 

I thought that the day could only get better until I finally arrived at home at 9:45.  I jumped in the shower and upon exiting, I remembered that it was time to take another happy time pill that I had been given earlier to offset the throbbing pain in my left jaw.  Being told by the doctor to not take a whole pill, I decided to pull out my wifes pill cutter.  What a neat little invention I thought as I pulled it out of the closet.  I opened it up and realized that it hadn’t been cleaned in what looked to be several years.  Everything was coated with dust and pill shavings.  So, I ran it under the faucet and then started running my thumb inside the edges to get out the remaining residue when….

HOLY SHIT!!!!  I screamed loud enough that my wife sprung from the bed screaming if I was ok, as I stood there with blood running down my thumb because apparently they put razors in the pill cutters to cut the pills. (Novel idea, I know)  I cut the crap out of my thumb and was trying to determine if the ending of Dennis Dumpy Day was going to happen in the ER to fix the cut with stitches.  Boy did it bleed.  After rinsing out the cut, I sat on the toilet and looked at my wife and couldn’t say anything but, “What a shitty day.”  My wife looked at me and gave me a sad look and a hug.

I would imagine that is one of the reasons men agree to live with one woman for the rest of their lives.  So that on a day when you have been needled and gouged endlessly in the jaw, sat behind a computer all day in pain, taken a 33% pay cut in your second job, and finally almost cut off a section of your thumb, they are there to rub oinment and wrap your thumb with bandaids and make it all better. 

I am just glad I made it though Dennis Dumpy Day. 

On a lighter note, I woke myself up this morning by tearing ass like I have never done before.  I don’t think passing gas in my sleep has ever been an alarm clock for me before, but it worked this morning. 

Filed under: Blood, achy, balloon, body, excuse, fart, grouchy, mean, pain, scared, sore, stink, stupid, train wreck, weird, wife, work

Holiday weekend debacle

I do not have time today to explain exactly what went down over this past extremely long holiday weekend.  I think I will break up the weekend over the course of this week, because seriously….it was re-damned-diculous.  Let me give you an outline for what is to come this week on the explanation of my weekend.    Too much to post at once, so I will touch on it one day at a time as it played out over Friday-Monday. 

I.  Introduction (todays post)

II. Friday  

    A.  Day off from work

        a.  Balloon Twisting for the Monsassori overprivledged

        b. Shopping/Haircut

    B.  Wedding Bells 

        a.  White Trash wedding 

        b.  What sent the Priest home early? 

        c.  What sent us home early? 

III.  Saturday 

    A.  Travel day…I thought. 

        a.  Lets clean house/cat puke/cat pee/cat poop/litterboxes/vacuum/shampoo carpet/mop/dishes/laundry/pack before we leave. 

        b.  almost die in tornado wielding storms on drive down to central Illinois. 

    B.  See family drink 

IV.  Sunday 

    A.  Let’s go fishing 

        a.  Holy fishing Batman! 

        b.  Where are the damned Cicadas?

        c.  Dad, I hate to tell you this but you have Mad Cow disease….

        d. Grandpa’s secretly upset. 

        e. Grandma’s got alheimers? 

        f. Grandpa wants to sell the house? 

    B.  This isn’t what I signed up for! 

        a.  I have no desire to meet new cousins. 

        b. Meet Billy, your 28 year old cousin with 5 children who pretends to be adopted and not related the the white trashiness that is my family. 

        c.  Once again, this isn’t what I or my mother/mother’s fiancee signed up for.                                                                  

        d.  Mom has already had too much

        e.  Why are they sending my wife and sister in law to the store to buy my mom’s fiancee some whiskey? 

        f.  Let’s take Shawn(little brother who was back from the Military on leave) out for drinks for the first time ever since he is now 21 so we can get away from the banjo music that is my family gathering before the whiskey is opened. 

V.  Monday

    A.  Let’s see my little bro off to the Airport! 

        a. What’s wrong Shawn? 

        b. What’s wrong Mom? 

        c. Why is everyone crying?  

        d.  Let’s go hang with the relatively normal side of the family.  

    B.  Let’s head home. 

        a.Let’s pick up my car that we left at your fathers on Friday. 

        b. Let’s piss off the wife. 

        c.  Let’s just get home and lick our wounds from this retarded weekend. 

VI.  Conclusion

If the outline doesn’t give you a slight glimpse into how wonderful of a weekend I had, I don’t know what would. I would equate the weekend to a big old punch in the nuts.  It hurts at first…real bad…but the lingering effects still hurt for days after. 

Filed under: Cats, In laws, Pee, achy, balloon, beer, cicada, confused, dad, excuse, fart, fight, friend, fun, funny, grouchy, mad cow, mean, poop, scared, sleepy, smelly, sore, stink, train wreck, weird, wife, work

Top 5 reasons that I can not win a top 5 blogging competition!

I just flipped over to my main man’s blog (www.stupidtom.com) and saw that he has entered this competition and found much humor in his post.  In it, he has motivated me to action.  I have only been blogging now for a month and a half now, and I am as close to being addicted as it gets.  So, on that note, I thought I would compete for the sake of getting my toes wet in this whole “blogging competition thingy”.  Do I expect to win?  Shizer no!  But, I will probably learn a thing or two while I explore why blogging is fun in the first place and why I suck compared to so many who do this with a serious purpose. 

5. As I mentioned, I am new to this and I haven’t even uncovered the tip of the iceberg when it comes to my blogging ability.  It’s kind of like a Star Wars jedi thing.  I am nothing but a young Aniken who is busy working on robots for my slave owner until I become noticed and led to learn the secrets of the Blogging Jedi Masters.  Then I will turn evil and move to a very dark theme for my blog page like many others. 

4. My blogs have no purpose.  I just like to ramble on like a homeless man who is on a 9 month bender.  This morning I contemplated blogging on the fact that my wife and I now buy bottled water because we are too lazy to fill our water bottles by the slow pouring nozzle on our frigerator.  Without a purpose, readers only gain the knowledge of how ridiculously retarded my life is. 

3. I think I read somewhere on the rules for this competition that entries written by crazy balloon twisters (www.misterd.balloonhq.com)  with Mad Cow disease would not be accepted… (http://dennismitchell.wordpress.com/tag/blood/)

2. Good things do not happen to good people.  I have come to this realization in life.  You have to be old and live on a farm or work for a manufacturing plant and drive a Harley to win the lotto.  (or just play) Which, those two classes of people describe the majority of those who do spend money on the lottery.  I am sure some evil, wicked, man who has just finished pushing an old lady to the floor after calling her fat will win this goofy thing. 

1.  One of the comments was to “Feel free to put your post in your own first language.”  Which to me,  pretty much announces truly how stupid I am.  If someone who speaks multiple languages is entering, I am pretty sure they possess way more knowlege about many things, much less blogging.  Once I read that suggestion, the theme of my entry was clearly obvious.  If only I would have paid attention during the 4 years of spanish during high school I would have a much better chance of winning.  “como esta?”  “muy bien”  “Y tu”  “tu papa vive en la casa de caca?”  Sorry, but that is as far as my secondary languages go.  I’m pretty much screwed…

Filed under: Blog, Blood, Pee, balloon, confused, excuse, fart, french, friend, fun, funny, grouchy, latex, mad cow, mean, pain, poop, scared, sleepy, smelly, stink, weird, wife, work

Today I ache part deux!

Today I ache.  I really had a hard time getting out of bed.  Last night I had my first softball practice of the year.  I decided this year to join my church softball team.  I have been waiting to join this team for 4 years now.  It is a 30 and over team and since I turned 30 last November, it’s time I start doing things with the other elderly folk.  Funny thing about it is the next youngest person on the team is 38 years old.  So, if i’m sore today, I can’t imagine what the others must feel like.

I am still freaking out by the events that lie before me for this week.  I just had another past promise I made dropped on me this morning.  I told the Ice Cream social committee that I would make all their signage for the ticket sales during Saturday and Sunday Masses.  I received an email yesterday asking if I would still do it, and of course I said yes.  I asked when they would be doing ticket sales, and I received an email today saying they would need it by this Saturday. 

Once again, I have been dumped on. 

So, amongst all that I have to do, I have now added 4 hours of poster work and two to three seperate errand trips to get everything for the posters. 

I think my life is reflective of a landfill.  People like to send their garbage tasks to me knowing that I enjoy a challenge. 

I can’t wait to have a baby.  I think the sole purpose in my life for having a baby will be to say, “I can’t be there because I have a baby!”  I hear it from many people all the time.  Maybe not in that form, but at least one of many variations of it.  “My sitters sick” “My baby’s got a hangover”  “Gotta take Jimmy to soccer practice”  “My baby’s got a high temperature”  “I gotta get home and change the baby before there is a Poop Storm!” Or something like that.  Once you have a child(ren), the excuse fairy bestows the parents with an excuse membership card.  Without a child, you have no real legit excuses as to why you don’t have time.  “I have to go home and clean!” or “I really miss my cats”  This doesn’t work quite as well as the child thing. 

Speaking of children, this story reminded me of the funniest reasons someone has ever asked me for some money. (Bum on the street who needs a dollar stories.)  I will share those stories in my next post. 

Filed under: Blog, Church, achy, beer, body, confused, fart, friend, fun, funny, grouchy, mean, poop, scared, sleepy, sore, weird, work

A whole new world!!!

I have been working on the same floor in my building for over a year since I moved to the new office and I am a bit sad, mad, angry, cheated, and depressed.  I have been using the same restroom for all this time.  I walked into the bathroom to find two guys in the stalls and two guys using the urinals.  I started to wait and one guys says, “Why don’t you use the other bathroom?” I thought for a second, I don’t want to go down or up a set of stairs, until he chimed in after he saw these thoughts running through my mind, “it’s at the other end of the floor!”  “O.k.” I said.  I walked out like I knew what the hell he was talking about.  So, I started walking around thinking he was on crack, to find another bathroom on the other side of the floor that I never go to.  As I walked in, it was like a whole new universe was opened up to me.  New color tiles on the walls…better supplies on the sink (Qtips, stain remover, hair spray, deodorants, mouthwash, etc…)…absorbent padding on the floor around the urinals…a news paper wrack…geez, it made me kinda mad!  I have been missing out on this wonderful experience.  I feel cheated out of a pleasurable urination experience for over a year now!  I want that time back!  From here on out, if any of you call me and get voicemail, it’s because I am making up lost time in my new bathroom. 

I also realized that I need to start making sure that my shoelaces are tied before I go into the restroom.  I have been struggling with this a lot lately. It seems like every time I go to a urinal, mid stream I will look at my shoes and see my laces laying on the floor.  I can’t help but imagine tiny bacteria particles all rushing for the shoe laces as they rest on the ground.  “Let’s all hop on!” I can hear them say!  “WEEEEeeeeee!”

Filed under: Pee, confused, fart, fun, funny, poop, smelly, stink, weird, work