Its so hard to say goodbye

Last night after twisting balloons at Red Robin I was talking with my wife.  I got excited at the thought of having nothing on my schedule this Wednesday evening.  Then it hit me that this is the last weekday evening until mid August that I will not have an obligation of some sort.  So, I shall call tonight my overcommitment celebratory evening.  Or, the “I can’t say NO celebration”. 

What to do…what to do.  I plan on going to the gym.  After that I should probably shower and I should fold laundry…but if this is a celebratory evening, how is that celebratory?  It should be a last meal sort of night, so maybe a video game?

For those of you who think that I am exaggerating, here is a peek at what I have commited to since the word NO is rarely heard in my vocabulary. 

Monday:  Church Softball games at 6:00pm followed by a semimandatory trip to the sponsor where libations are forced against my will down my throat.  Church softball is funny.  Grown church men fight.  I have even witnessed twin 45 year old brothers on another church team beat the shit out of each other.  Of all the softball leagues I have ever been in, this Catholic Church 16″ softball league is the farthest from God out of all of them. 

Tuesday:  Gotta pay some bills.  Twisting balloons at Red Robin in Algonquin from 6:00 until 8:00pm.  This is a doozy.  I leave my day job at 4:30, and drive an hour and a half in rush hour every tuesday to twist balloons for many children each night.  It’s not the money I make each evening that makes me happy, but the many birthday parties that I get referrals for since each and every table gets a business card. 

Wednesday:  12″ softball league with friends.  New league this year.  I am most excited about this league since this will be the first time I am on a team with some of my closest and best friends.  It could be great, or it could suck. Only time will tell.  On a side note, I am the starting pitcher for both teams and I am interested to see how badly I pitch in 12″ since the mound is 10 feet farther back vs. the 16″ mound. 

Thursday:  Billiards from 6:00-1:00am  This is a rough one since it usually leads to a hangover for the mandatory 8:00am Friday morning team meeting.  I have been playing pool for many many years and will be heading to Las Vegas in less than two weeks to compete in the US National Championships.  Hopefully I will do well. 

Friday:  Gotta pay more bills. I head off on the same drive to Algonquin to twist balloons at Nero’s Pizza.  I enjoy Nero’s a bit more than Red Robin since there are fewer children and I get to twist for adults as well.  Adding Nero’s to my weekly balloon entertainment lineup has literally doubled the amount of calls I get for private events and is another added step to the promiseland of doing balloons full time and making a decent living while doing it. 

Saturday and Sunday has now become injected with anywhere from 2-5 balloon events now.  Rarely will a weekend come and go where I don’t have some sort of balloon engagement. 

Mix in random church meetings, the occasional Cubs game, and three vacation trips, and you have the making for a ridiculously crazy summer. 

I have been fearing this weekfor some time and it is finally arrived.  I just have to wonder at what point I crack and say enough.  I am really getting excited at the concept of having children.  I have heard from many friends that a great benefit to children is having a reason to say that you can’t do something.  This will be my Ironman summer.  I hope I am up for it.  I put the over under at June 19th for when I hit the wall. 

Filed under: Church, Cry baby, Cubs, Exercise, Overcommitment, excuse, grouchy, peer pressure, train wreck, work

Well the weather outside is…

About as bad as it gets. (Frightful?)

Today I am bored out of my skull.  I distinctly remember saying that earlier today out loud and realizing that if I were a manager, I might not like hearing an employee say how bored they were.  But it is true.  I am sitting at my desk twiddling thumbs and organizing my new wallet.   None of my customers have been in this week.  The week between Christmas and New Years is always dead.  I have taken a couple of days off to stretch my own holiday, but I guess I would rather not waste my own vacation days until I can actually dip my toes in an ocean or double down on eleven when the dealer shows  six at 8:00am in the morning after a night out on the Vegas strip.   Besides, these days allow me to actually catch up from the craziness that is the first half of December. 

I had an ultra sound done yesterday, and they didn’t do it on my stomach.  I can’t go to far into it, but the doctor found a mass in one of my giggle berries.  I wish I could just go all out on a post where I explore many different viewpoints about having a strange man squirt goo all over your testicles and proceed to rub a microphone all around while snapping photos on some expensive electronic equipment.   My scrotum sounds like a baby.  I could hear the heart beat and everything.  I could take every thought and turn them this way and that and really dig deep, but I won’t. 

I will say that it was ultrasound amateur hour.  I was intentionally scheduled with a male ultrasound technician because they wanted me to be comfortable.  I was shocked upon entering the mood lit room to find a woman waiting.  I was introduced to her and told that she is training and would be “sitting in” on her first male ultra sound.  Great.  So, I laid down, the guy did his thing, and upon completion he stood up and asked me if I would mind the lady giving it a whirl for the first time.  “Why not?” I answered.  I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe we should call out to Dorris and Betty out at the front counter and see if they wanted to give it a go as well.  So, I laid there while a woman that wasn’t supposed to even be in the room played with my balls as an educational experience.  Good times.   

The new year is upon us.  This will be my first year at disappointing myself (resolutions).  The list is growing.  Ever since I decided to try out the New Years Resolution thingy, it seems that everything that I do wrong in life has turned into something that I am going to fix as of January 2nd.  (Not January 1st, because who wants to start a diet/stop drinking/quit farting/stop smoking/stop picking his/her nose/stop watching free porn on a day known for binge eating/drinking?)

So, come January 2nd, I will magically turn into a new man.  More to come on the magical change that will/won’t happen.  Have a safe and happy New Year celebration. 

Filed under: Gay, balls, boredom, confused, excuse, fart, free porn, grouchy, mean, scrotum, stupid, train wreck, weird, wife, work

Turn your head

…and cough.  That was something that I heard last Friday morning.  I hadn’t heard those words uttered in a good 10 years.  Now that I have eclipsed the age of 30, I feel that I might hear those words on a much more frequent basis. 

On Friday I went in for my first Physical in many years.  My wife has been bugging me to go in for quite some time, and I finally decided to bite the bullet.  It wasn’t but maybe 5 minutes into the checkup that I realized that I was in for a ride that I wasn’t going to like. 

I shouldn’t be such a pansy.  This may sound stupid, but the main reason I decided to go was because of my turtle Sebastian and all of the health issues he has had as of late.  Had I taken him in sooner than I did, he may not be having the issues that he has.  I blame myself for his condition and now I am slowly doing my best to nurse him back to health.  Well, his situation made me think that my mental fear of the doctor could possibly one day be my demise as well.  In life I tend to hope that something will go away vs. confronting it head on.  I hadn’t had a bad history of health, but after the doctor did pokes, prods, pinches, and everything else that he did throughout the physical he did a good job making me feel bad about not taking care of myself.  I have a shit load of stuff wrong with me and if they don’t get fixed I could be on the fast track to more serious issues. 

Lesson number 1:  I am fat.  I have gone beyond my chubby phase and have hit a threshold where I must now meet with a nutritionist.  WTF?  Why?  I know what food is good for me and what food is bad for me.  Sitting down with someone that is going to tell me that I have to quit eating a full days worth of food in one fast food meal isn’t going to do anything for me.  I know that it is best to have 6 small meals spread throughout the day and that with 3 small portions of protein and good fat mixed in with the healthy shakes during “snack time” is the appropriate way to live.  But who the F has time for that?  I know how to be healthy, it’s not that I don’t know.  It’s that I don’t have the time or motivation.  Instead of a nutritionist, I should actually meet with a Lazy counselor. If one would exist.  It’s not even about being lazy really, just the fact that I barely have time to run upstairs during my work day and get food while I work for lunch.  Much less, dedicating a good hour to hour and a half to ensure that healthy food and drinks hit my mouth six times a day.  Sometimes I don’t even have time for fast food.  How sad is that? 

Lesson 2:  My fattiness has led me to be a canidate for dying in my sleep.  I snore.  Really bad. At least my wife tells me that.  My doctor thinks that because of the size of my neck that I suffer from sleep apnea.  He could be right.  So, now I have to go to a hospital and have around 100 electrodes strapped to every square inch of my body while they analyze how I breath while I sleep.  If it is determined that I have sleep apnea, then I will be lucky enough to strap on a darth vader mask while I sleep.  If my sexy PJ’s don’t turn my wife on, I am sure that this will:

Lesson 3:  I may be going too far with this one, but an issue has come back that I had in high school.  Not to go into too much detail, but it’s quite possible that this issue will prevent me from being able to have children.  It was an issue that I didn’t really put much thought into at the age of 18 when I had surgery done, but apparently surgery may be needed again.  I go in on Thursday to get an ultrasound done and then I will meet with a urologist to discuss the results and what should be done moving forward.  This is a scary situation for my wife since we have finally entered into baby discussions and this bit of news is the last thing she wanted to hear. 

Lesson 4:  I hate giving blood for anything.  Luckily for me they only took one large vial, but any time someone gets near me with a needle I teeter on the border of passing out. 

In the end, the doctor wrote a thesis on what I need to do to right this ship that is my body.  I somehow will need to find more time to eat healthier and work out more and many of my problems will go away.  So, for Christmas this year, instead of asking for a Wii or Guitar Hero, I get to join a gym.  Yippee. 

I truly believe that the biggest joke on us as humans was the creation of good tasting food that is bad for you.  Why is it that the better something tastes, the badder it is for you?  Why couldn’t it be that what tastes good is better?

Some changes will be made.  I will diet and I will work out.  I am going to hold out until January 2nd, though.  That will be one of my newfound appreciations for the New Year resolutions. 

I have a funny story to tell about a church christmas party from this weekend, as well as a heavy duty rant about my in-laws and how they managed to pretty much wreck my wife’s graduation day for me.  Have a happy Tuesday!

Filed under: Blood, Church, body, excuse, grouchy, mean, pain, stupid, train wreck, turtle, weird, wife, work

Thanksgiving eve

For the first time in over five days I have a moment to sit back and reflect upon what was my Thanksgiving.  Like a fine wine, my thoughts about the past five days are getting better as they age.  It is hitting me this morning just how F’d up the holiday started and how I still can’t believe that my wife and I pulled it off.  We had never hosted Thanksgiving before for the whole family and I think we did a damn good job.  Here are some of the funny ass highlights to our crazy Thanksgiving.

Wednesday night I was prepared to go crazy ass in the kitchen since I was in charge of everything.  I decided to brine the turkey this year, which meant bathing the turkey in a solution for around 24 hours.  My older brother, sister-in-law, and my 2 nieces and 3 nephews were coming up on Wednesday evening so that they didn’t have to drive on Thanksgiving day.  They left from Bloomington, IL around 6:00pm and we expected them to arrive at our house around 9:30 pm.  The house was fully prepared for the assault that would be 5 children and two additional adults.  The inflatable mattresses were set up, the hide a bed couch was pulled out and the guest bedroom was all set.  All I had to do was cook while I waited.  I started pulling stuff out to start cooking at 8:00pm.  I started late because of the drama that was my mother and younger brother.  My mother had come home Wednesday after drinking and in her drunken state decided that she wasn’t going to come up for Thanksgiving after all which left my little brother out of a ride up to the northwest suburbs of Chicago.  I had to work with him on calling her bluff and we agreed that he would not make any sudden plans and would wait out our mother’s wrath and see how she was in the morning.  If she had not changed her mind by then, he would drive up alone Thursday morning. 

Once we were done with all of that (which took over an hour and a half of phone calls) I made my way to the kitchen.  Upon entering the kitchen my wife’s phone rang.  It was my older brother. (I am going to switch to the present tense to describe the following story to fully capture the moments of the messed up story) 

Wife:  Your brother is on the phone.  He has a flat tire.       

Me:  Tell him to change his tire.                                                

Wife:  (after asking if he is able to change his tire)  He doesn’t have a spare tire.                                                                       

Me:  (use both hands to cover my face to conceal the anger that is shooting through my body) He doesn’t have a spare tire????  He is driving a family of 7 in a van up to Chicago without a spare tire????  Give me the phone!                             

Me:  Chris, you mean to tell me that you drove all this way without a spare tire?                                                                   

Chris:  I just bought new tires for the van.                               

Me:  Where are you?                                                                   

Chris:  We are on 53N.                                                                 

Me: Where at on 53N?                                                                

Chris:  I don’t know.                                                                        

Me:  Can you give me any idea from a street sign or anything?                                                                                    

Chris:  NO.                                                                                      

Chris:  We are where 53N Splits between local and express.  We are on the express side.                                                             

Me:  Let me call you back in a few minutes. 

After feverishly discussing with the wife our options, she thinks we need to find someone that can bring a van tire out to the scene and put it on.  I have never heard of such a service.  I started calling tow services and even triple A to explain the scenario and the best solution that anyone can come up with is to tow the car somewhere that they can fix the tire.  But the problem is that it is now 8:30pm on Thanksgiving eve.  There will not be a tire place open for another 38 hours.  On top of all of that, they are in the express lanes of one of the busiest highways in the suburbs and they have 5 children in the car.  It is not like the children can jump out of the car and walk off the side of the road.  A towtruck can only seat two adults.  What the hell are we going to do with all of the children? 

After I call my brother back to address these concerns, he tells me that he does have a spare tire but does not have a tire iron.  A cop pulls up as I am talking to my brother and I ask him if he can borrow a tire iron from the cop.  As the cop walks up I ask Chris to hand the phone to the cop, and the cop tells me that they have to drive a mile and get the hell out of there because the officer says, and I quote “They are going to get killed if they don’t move the car”.  My brother will not drive on the flat because he doesn’t want to ruin the rim.  I told the officer that I would call a tow truck, and he said that he would since he can get someone there very fast.  My brother does not have a credit card, so I told the officer to call me for payment.  I get back on the phone with my brother and now the challenge is the children.  What do we do with all of the children.  Oh, and it is now snowing very hard out.  I grab some pants, gloves, and a jacket and jump in my car to drive down to where they are.  The officer said they are right above Algonquin road on 53N.  That is a 45 minute drive for me.  So much for sleeping tonight since I haven’t even begun to prepare for the Thanksgiving meal.  By the time I see them on 53N the tow truck is there and my brother tells me that they are going to the Walmart auto center at Algongquin and Golf road.  The officer has 5 kids in his back seat and will follow the tow truck.  I meet them there and thanked the officer.  He laughed because he had never had so many children in his car before.  The children were all excited because they got a free ride in a cop car with the lights on and everything.  After the officer left we pulled all of their bags out of the van, and loaded everyone into my little chevy prizm.  3 adults and 5 children in my little car.  I felt like I was back in college.  The worst part of the drive home was that I had to drive slow and the fact that it smelled like the whole family had not bathed in a month.  It was snowing out, but I still kept my window down to combat the smell.  At 11:00pm we finally arrived at my place.  The children were so wound up at this point that they didn’t end up going to sleep for a few hours after they arrived. 

I hit the kitchen and began to prepare the meal.  I have so much more to write about but I will split this into several posts so that I don’t waste my whole day on this.  Some funny shit went down.  I don’t know if my post truly captured the essence of the situation, but I can say that I became angrier than I have ever been no less than 4 times throughout this process.  I would guess that I easily doubled my previous blood pressure record. 

To be continued…

Filed under: Blood, Cops, In laws, body, excuse, grouchy, mean, smelly, thanksgiving, train wreck, wife

It’s tough to be a kid…

….nowadays…when you can’t get attached to any particular toy without the prospect of it getting yanked away from you because some sweatshop in another country thought it would be cool to cut costs on paint and went with the leaded variety. 

I have heard how China is pretty advanced in technology.  I beg to differ.  I believe that we, the United States of America, knew that lead paint was bad back when I was a child.  As a matter of fact, I distinctly remember the schools making a big deal about repainting all of the radiators and railings that had been coated with lead based paint.  I am 30, so that must have been 20 years ago. 

So, why on God’s earth would China not know that painting toys with lead paint would be bad?  Are they 20-30 years behind us? Maybe. Afterall they are just now pushing an initiative to get to the moon.  It has been over 30 years since we were there.  All of a sudden, becuase the Chinese want to go back, so do we.  I’m down with the whole geocaching game where a Chinese guy will hide something on the moon and we want to go up and walk around aimlessly hoping to find it based on coordinates that they leave.  Sounds like fun. 

All I am saying is that WTF is going on with the toys. 

I have noticed it alot with the millions of toys that have been recalled lately.  For the past year, you can’t go one week without bumping into a story about a new toy that has to be recalled due to lead paint poisoning, loose magnets, and GHB drug poisoning hazard.   WHAT?  Did I just include GHB drug poisoning in as a reason that childrens toys have been recalled?   Yes, I did.  Look at this link:

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/11/08/toys.daterapedrug.ap/index.html#cnnSTCOther1

I don’t care if you go to the link, but look at the words in the link.  toys.daterapedrug

I hope that this is the first and last time that the word toy and date rape drug is used in the same link. 

For those of you who have not heard of the newest recall, click on the link above and then click on Aqua Dots/Bindeez Beads toys. 

In a nutshell, the beads are coated with a chemical that when sprayed with water, allow the beads to fuse in the pattern that you have laid them out.  So, you can do a pony picture.  Or a flower.  Or a Monkee.  Or a sailboat.  Whatever.  The craft kit has a 4 years or older rating. 

What has been discovered, thanks to the daring trailblazers that took a chance and decided it would be fun to put them in their mouth, is that the chemical when ingested has the same effect of liquid G, which is commonly known as the daterape drug. 

I may be going overboard here, but come on.  Who designs a toy without testing it first.  What do children do with toys?  They put them in their mouth.  Even if a 4 year old was smart enough to not do so, that same 4 year old just might have a younger brother or sister that will.  The latest story that ultimately pulled the product off the shelves was a 20 month old boy who swallowed several dozen beads.  He became dizzy and vomited several times before slipping into a comatose state.  Luckily the boy has recovered. 

After reading that story, I have to ask two questions:

1. Why would a company use a chemical that when touched with water or saliva converts into GHb?

2. Where the hell was mom and dad when the 20 month old (or 1 year and 8 months since they like to describe the victim in months to make him sound as infantish as possible) (I guess when I say that I am 371 months old vs. one month shy of 31, it does sound better) Double side note…wow I digress…when the 20 month old decided to have a smorgasborg with the dots?  What parent leaves a child at that age, where everything goes directly to the mouth, alone long enough to eat several dozen beads?  The kid didn’t just open the gullet and beer bong several dozen dots. (I have visions of a child making cookie monster sounds while devouring lots of G-laced beads)  I would imagine at that age, it would have been one at a time. For a child to pick something up and put it in his mouth, one at a time, and swallow, you are looking at possibly 10-15 minutes.  I hate to say it, but that is too much time to leave any child alone with any type of bead, much less ones coated in a substance that would leave any adult waking up hours later wondering why your anus hurts. 

My last question before I put my thoughts to bed is this:  Are the toys getting more hazardous or are we finally starting to scrutinize more than we have in the past? 

When I think of this question I can’t help but remember the SNL skits way back when Toy maker Irwin Mainway (Dan Aykroyd) would appear on a talk show and hopelessly defend his company’s extremely dangerous products such as “Bag O’ Glass”, “Bag O’ Vipers”, “Bag O’ Sulfuric Acid”, “Mr. Skin Grafter”, “Pretty Peggy’s Ear Piercing Kit”, “Doggy Dentist”, “Chancellor Tron’s Secret Police Confession Kit”, “Johnny Switchblade Adventure Punk”, and “Chainsaw Teddybear”. A sketch frequently aired by SNL on their Halloween retrospective special had Mainway defending Halloween costumes such as a military outfit that included an actual working rifle, an entirely black and non-reflective uniform called “Invisible Pedestrian” (which had a warning on the package that read “NOT FOR BLIND KIDS”), an airtight plastic bag that was to be affixed over the head with a rubber band called “Johnny Space Commander Mask,” and an oil-soaked costume called “Johnny Human Torch”, which came complete with an oversized lighter. Each sketch would end with the host (Jane Curtin) condemning Mainway’s products, while Mainway would make pathetic attempts to show how more commonplace toys/clothing were equally harmful. (thanks to wikipedia for taking me down memory lane)

I would imagine that many of the toys I played with as a child had all sorts of magnets that would come unglued, or leaded paint.  When I was nine, I had my first super powered pellet rifle.  (All of my plastic G.I.Joe’s met their maker because of that rifle)  I can’t help but wonder how it has gotten to this level with the toys.  There is a joke in here somewhere about a child being upset because they are pulling his weekly fix of dot’s but I can’t seem to get there.  

Exciting weekend of church activities/dinner parties/balloon parties/football ahead.  Less than two weeks to turkey day as well.  I might want to get out the old turkey fryer and check to see if it is in good working condition.  Have a great weekend!  

Filed under: balloon, beer, excuse, grouchy, mean, stupid, weird

Dennis Dumpy Day

Warning!!!! Warning!!! Warning!!! This post was written about Tuesday, started on Wednesday and finished on Thursday.  Life grabbed me by my left nut and wouldn’t let go until….now. 

The words Last night or Yesterday have been removed and replaced with the word Tuesday. 

Today I am licking my wounds from what can only be described as dennis dumpy day on Tuesday. 

At 10:30 Tuesday night it dawned on me that Tuesday might have been one of the lesser fun days that I have ever experienced in my lifetime.  Let me explain…

Nothing like starting your day off with a Root canal!  Six needle injections in the mouth and jaw later, I am ready for the root canal.  Can’t they name it something else?  I understand that they are cleaning out the root canal, but some sort of medical term that hides the fact that they will be sticking little scary dental files in and out of the roots of your tooth for 4 hours is in order.  Something like “Happy Canal treatment” or ”Big boob treatment”.  Those would all be better.  And while we are at renaming it, they should make the experience more enjoyable somehow.  I saw in one of those gadget magazines on the airplane during my trip to keywest a pair of glasses that, when worn, give you the impression of sitting infront of a movie theatre.

Put a movie on or something while you are digging away at the bowels of my tooth.  Porn will work…

Not a bad start to Dennis dumpy day.  The day got better as I went back to work afterwards.  Then Tuesday night as I arrived at Red Robin to twist, I was blindsided by a new “contract” if you will.  Apparently a shitty ass twister is working at another one of their locations and is charging them what he is worth.  Since they see no value in what I do, they told me Tuesday night that since this guy only charges this much that I either have to agree to his rates or hit the road. (It sounded much nicer than that…something like…”We don’t want to lose you but this is what we have to do…”)  What sucks is that it ends up being a 33 percent cut in my pay and they are not willing to allow me to offset my cut in pay with promotion of tip receiving.  I wanted to tell them to take this job and shove it.  I am worth more than what they were paying me to begin with, but now I have to work for less?  You have got to be shitting me.  But this is the issue.  What I make there every Tuesday night pales in comparision to the big business picture. I can’t get too precise for fear of the man coming down on me, but I will say that I make the bulk of my ballooning income from private events where I actually met the individual at the restaurant while twisting.  So, I will take my pay cut with a side of KY, please! Now I want to become a shitty twister and work as hard as they are now paying me.  Maybe I won’t shave before I go.  Maybe I will start wearing dirty clothes with big greasy stains on the shirt.  I don’t know…but all I am saying is I want them to realize that what they had was good.  If that means me walking away, I know that I would be cutting off my nose…  After all, I would attribute the restaurant as the main driver to the 400% growth I have seen on the balloon business year over year.  Suck it up and make me a bike, clown! I am debating on whether I am going to reach out to that shitty ass twister.  I know that he is shitty becuase I booked him for an event last summer where we needed him due to the abundance of children and the fact that I have 4 events scheduled that day.  I want to say more, but probably shouldn’t for fear of slander or some stupid blog suit that could come out of this if he ever comes across this site. 

I thought that the day could only get better until I finally arrived at home at 9:45.  I jumped in the shower and upon exiting, I remembered that it was time to take another happy time pill that I had been given earlier to offset the throbbing pain in my left jaw.  Being told by the doctor to not take a whole pill, I decided to pull out my wifes pill cutter.  What a neat little invention I thought as I pulled it out of the closet.  I opened it up and realized that it hadn’t been cleaned in what looked to be several years.  Everything was coated with dust and pill shavings.  So, I ran it under the faucet and then started running my thumb inside the edges to get out the remaining residue when….

HOLY SHIT!!!!  I screamed loud enough that my wife sprung from the bed screaming if I was ok, as I stood there with blood running down my thumb because apparently they put razors in the pill cutters to cut the pills. (Novel idea, I know)  I cut the crap out of my thumb and was trying to determine if the ending of Dennis Dumpy Day was going to happen in the ER to fix the cut with stitches.  Boy did it bleed.  After rinsing out the cut, I sat on the toilet and looked at my wife and couldn’t say anything but, “What a shitty day.”  My wife looked at me and gave me a sad look and a hug.

I would imagine that is one of the reasons men agree to live with one woman for the rest of their lives.  So that on a day when you have been needled and gouged endlessly in the jaw, sat behind a computer all day in pain, taken a 33% pay cut in your second job, and finally almost cut off a section of your thumb, they are there to rub oinment and wrap your thumb with bandaids and make it all better. 

I am just glad I made it though Dennis Dumpy Day. 

On a lighter note, I woke myself up this morning by tearing ass like I have never done before.  I don’t think passing gas in my sleep has ever been an alarm clock for me before, but it worked this morning. 

Filed under: Blood, achy, balloon, body, excuse, fart, grouchy, mean, pain, scared, sore, stink, stupid, train wreck, weird, wife, work

I feel stupid

I work in a place where Vendors walk around and show off new technology. These same vendors give me stupid stuff that I would find no enjoyment in if I had not worked in a box with walls covered in cloth.  (cubicle)  What a word, “Cloth”.  Just say it a few times.  Almost as fun as saying the word Sloth.  Which is what I have become while working in this box of death.  I digress…

Today a vendor was walking around and handed me a sheet with all of the specs on a new item that they are offering.  Without listening to anything he said, he then put a little squeeze football on my desk.  That is the “stupid shit” that I get way too excited about.  He went on to explain about their promotion…blah..blah…blah…then he reached into his box and handed me an item (very cool technology gadget)  and I got so excited because I have become so stigmatized by the 10 vendors each day that come by my cloth box.  Usually when a vendor puts something in your hands, it is something you keep.  A chotchkey.  A USB lava lamp.  A can of Red Bull.  A magic 8 ball.  A T-shirt.  All branded with their manufacturer logo.  This time he handed me the tech gadget, and since I had not listened to anything he had said up to that point, I think I screamed “Holy shit that is awesome!!!” or something like that while sitting the gadget on my desk excited about the fact that I had just been given an awesomely expensive item from one of my vendors.  I think he knew that he sounded like a teacher in a Charlie Brown cartoon to me and saw that I thought he was given me the gadget, which is when he laughed, picked it up off my desk, laughed again, and patted me on the shoulder like I was 2 years old as he walked away. 

I am an idiot. 

On a positive note, I am in a quandry since it seems that all of the items that I had won through the sales contest appear to be set to hit my house today and tomorrow based on all of the tracking info.  Only problem is that no one will be home to sign for any of the stuff.  So, at this exact moment, I am debating on whether I might want to call in sick tomorrow because tomorrow could possibly be the happiest day of my life.  Tomorrow could be the day that I finally achieve HD.  My wife is still pretty upset about the whole process, but the bottom line is that I have found a way to get HD in my life without touching her budget, so she should find some happiness in the whole process.   Last night as my wife was getting ready to go to bed, I said something like, “(said while pointing at tiny 20″ CRT television that sits on my dresser in the bedroom) “By friday night you will have a large HDTV in place of that little 20″ TV!”  “Doesn’t that excite you?”  to which she gave me a dirty look and replied “no”.  I don’t believe her.  Just the fact that she will not have to pull me out of the electronics dept every single time we enter any store that sells LCD televisions should be enough to excite her.  There should be more to come because I will not allow her to cast a dark unethical shroud over what could be my happiest moment as a man.  I won’t do it. 

My only other issue is that I have been getting caught up with technology way too fast.  I went from being far behind to now not even having any time to enjoy what I have.  There are now close to 15 projects around the house and as new items come in, they just add to the list.  I can’t wait for the holidays. 

Filed under: Gay, confused, excuse, grouchy, mad cow, train wreck, weird, wife

Moral dilemmas

Before I tell of my moral battles I would just like to ask the question: What is up with the word muscles?  It would appear that everyone online is searching for muscles.

And the movie “The Last Dragon.”

 

One of my all time favorites. 

On a movie note, I am celebrating today since I have recently discovered that my all time favorite actor will be going back to his “born to play” character.  It’s been a long time and we will soon be united.  The tag line is:  “He is back!”  It’s not Indiana Jones (although I am anticipating that one as well.)

You guessed it! 

Pee Wee! 

Paul Reubens is dusting off the old gray suit and feels that after 16 years the general public doesn’t remember that there was no shame in his game.   I will not lie.  If he has the balls to re-create Pee Wee Herman, then I would pay to see it.  I can’t count the number of times I have been scoffed at by my wife for forcing her to go to sleep to the sounds of Pee Wee’s Big Adventure or Big Top Pee Wee.  I am sad that I just admitted that. 

So, back to my moral issues. 

1.  One of my vendors offered a contest.  The more product you sell the more points you get.  Once the contest is over you can take those points and go to an online website and buy prizes.  I did pretty well and ended up with a lot of points.  Not enough points to get a new HDTV like I wanted, but enough to get a bunch of other fun stuff. 

 

So, one day I was on the site and I noticed that one of the very large HDTV’s was only 3000 points when I thought it usually was 65,000 points.   So, I click on it and realize that this HDTV is really only 3000 points.  I thought at first that they might be having a monster closeout on these TV’s and dropped the price.  It seemed too good to be true.  So, I added 3 to my cart, and checked out.  9000 points and I have 3 very large HD LCD televisions on their way to my house.  In all of my celebration, I called my wife and shared my good fortune.  Sadly, she was not only not as excited as I was, but upset that I was capitalizing on what she thinks was a mistake.  I assured her that it might be a legitimate offer.  She wasn’t having any of it.  She went on to ask me what I should have done instead of ordering.  I think the question was “What woult have been the right thing to do?”  She could have just said “check mate” when she asked that question.  I responded with “Order more than 3?”  Wrong.  I went on to back my argument with a similar story in college that in the end didn’t back my answer but actually hers.  

My Soph year of college at ISU I went into the nearest gas station to pick up 2 30 packs of Bud Lite cans and some smokes.  When the guy rang up the total, the price was astronomically low.  The thirty pack should have been 12.00 but each was ringing up for 3.00 per 30 pack.  I asked him if he was sure that was correct, and he answered with a “wow, man…we must be having a sale!”  I think he was as baked as anyone I had ever seen.  So, being the bargain hunter I was, I said cool, let me get another 2 30 packs.  After carrying 4 30 packs the block and a half back to my fraternity house, I proceeded to tell others.  Before I knew it 4 guys were out the door going to the store with a truck.  They returned with the remaining 30 packs.   20 total.  I asked the guys if the guy behind the register had any clue that the price was wrong in the register. All they said was that the register guy was so excited because he had a beer sale that was over 70.00.  The next day I went back to the gas station to see if they had restocked and I asked an older gentelman who was behind the counter if they had gotten any more Bud Lite can 30 packs in.  He replied with a “you must be one of the smartasses that cleaned us out yesterday.”  I asked if the price was truly a mistake and he went on to say that the attendant that was too stupid to realize the mistake had been let go.  I guess I didn’t feel an ounce of pity at the time for the fool that was too stupid to realize.

After Jeanne repeated the question again, “What would have been the right thing to do?”  I  answered as she requested that “I should have called the company and asked if it was truly a deal or if someone made an error.”  “That way they could have fixed it immediately instead of having a bunch of idiots like me getting Flat Screen HDTV’s virtually for free.”  She is right.  I am an idiot.  I still debate with myself as to whether I made a poor moral decision.  If they have it on the site for the points listed, and I place the order, am I in the wrong?  What’s the difference between that and someone bargain hunting and getting a steal?  The morning after Thanksgiving people will go into stores at 4:00 am all over the country to be the first at the deal busters.  How is this different than that?    

So, I still haven’t received the televisions.  I did receive an email from the comany fulfilling the orders stating that for some reason there was a monsterous backlog on those LCD’s (One again, I have no idea why) and in order to fulfill them within the next 3 months they will be substituting that model with a different model.  Fine by me.  No complaints here.  I will post more if and when the 3 LCD TV’s come.  I also ordered his and hers matching moutain bikes, an Oasis Party table and chair set, a shower clock radio, and a pretty nice iPod 7″ video player/DVD player/docking station.  I haven’t received any of it yet. The bikes are exciting because that is what I got my wife for her birthday a year a half ago, and I am finally delivering on the present.  Hey, better late than never, I say! 

To combat my immoralness, my wife thinks that I should go to church more.  So, this past Sunday, when I tried to sleep in, I was forced to mass by my wife.  No argument here.  I guess this is one of the reasons that I fell in love with my wife from the get go. 

I have two other moral dilemmas but has gone on way too long.  One involving work and another church.  I will fill you in later on those. 

Filed under: Car, Church, achy, beer, body, confused, craigs list, excuse, fight, grouchy, mean, moving, muscles, pain, romance, scared, sore, stupid, train wreck, weird, wife, work

Run Forrest, RUN!

 

I have killed the last 30 minutes looking online at my fellow coworkers who are stupid…er…I mean brave enough to run the Chicago Marathon this Sunday.  At the office I have a directory that allows me to type in the name and see the face.  When I received this email several thoughts went racing through my mind. 

1.  Why?  Why run?  I understand the health benefits.  But it’s just hard.  I am too fat. 

2.  I hope some of the people that I saw online have lost some weight since the photos, because if I can’t do it, then I doubt these people can.  I just think the overweight employees registered and have no plan on finishing.  If I wasn’t a football fan or a cub fan I might enter just to say I did it.  Did you guys see the office last week?  I would do what Creed, Stanley, and a few others did during the start of the Marathon.  I would start out running but pull up into an alley and jump in a cab.  I would then have the cab drive me to the local watering hole where I would drink beers and smoke a pack of cigarettes until a realistic time of crossing the finish line.  Then I would jump back in a cab and have him drive me to to about 2/3 of a mile away from the finish line.  Why 2/3 of a mile?  Because 2/3 of a mile to me is equivalent to running 26.2 miles.  But, I would push it in the final 100 yards and cross the finish line like a champ.  People would be wowed by my endurance.  They might think that I cheated.  But, I would fool them be crapping in my pants in the final half mile. That is something I always remember as a child watching the people cross the finsh line or being helped across the finish line after they shit themselves.   I think that to finish a marathon without dumping in your pants is anticlimactic.

3. Why would anyone want to do something that involves the following information that I found on the Chicago Marathon’s webpage on how to prepare.  Take a close look at the last bullet point. 

Medical Director George Chiampas suggests the following preparation for race day:

• Dress appropriately – avoid cotton fabrics, long sleeves and long pants. Wear lightweight, breathable fabrics that will help to keep you cool.

• Wear sunglasses and waterproof sunscreen. With the amount of time you will be on the course, you want to be sure to protect your skin and eyes.

• Pay special attention to hydration. Drink plenty of fluids the day before and morning of the race. Drink enough fluids to maintain your baseline body weight, but be aware of overhydration. If you begin to gain weight above your baseline, you are drinking too much water and depleting your sodium level which is important to maintain.

• Be sure to stay hydrated during the race. Make note of aid stations and prepare to utilize them. You will need to drink more to compensate for the rapid depletion of your body’s fluids in the heat.

• Plan to adjust your pace for the weather. The humidity and heat will require more of your body so a slower pace than planned is recommended in order to get you to the finish line without overheating.

• Most importantly: PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR BODY DURING THE RACE. If at ANY time your body gives you signals to slow down or stop, abide by them. Be aware of your heart rate, body temperature and hydration. If you feel light-headed, dizzy or overheated or experience chest pain, visual disturbances, cramping, vomiting or headache, slow down or stop and consult the medical personnel on the course immediately.

Like I said, Why?  Chest pain. Visual disturbances?  Cramping, vomiting or headache.  These sound like the disclaimers at the end of any erection medication commercial.  Visual Disturbances.  Why would you ever want to do anything that gives you Visual Disturbances.   I don’t know what that is, but I prefer to not find out. 

4.  Almost all women that run in marathons are somewhat or flat out are attractive.  Out of the 20 or so women listed not a one of them possess disturbing traits.  I don’t know what this says, but if I were single I know what I would start doing to meet women.  

I am having an issue with my wife.  She thinks that I need to go to church more since I have made, according to her bad “moral” decisions.  I love her for putting me in my place, but I don’t fully agree with her.  I will fill you in my quandry next week since my quandries may be solved by that time.  We will see.   

 Fun weekend of Church Bingo (tonight) / Balloon Twisting (all day Saturday) / Football (Sunday) 

I might actually TIVO the Chicago Marathon Sunday morning and see if I might catch a glimpse of those who are living the dream. 

Filed under: Church, Pee, Roid Rage juice, achy, balloon, beer, confused, excuse, fun, funny, mean, pain, poop, puke, scared, sleepy, smelly, sore, stink, stupid, train wreck, vomit, weird, wife, work

Pretty nails vs. my stomach

I was on the phone today with my wife.  She is battling a cold.  She swears by Airborne and has gotten me addicted as well.  I see a frothy effervescence in my future. 

So, today while we were chatting, I asked her if she would be staying at school late as she normally does on a Wednesday night.  She said no, because she had some errands to run and she was going out for manicures and dinner with her friends.  I chimed in, “Didn’t you just go last week?”  Her response was, “I just got a pedicure.”  Oh, so you need to get your hand nails done this time, got it.  So, that is what she is doing tonight.  She sensed my sarcasm since it does seem to me that she has been going to get her nails done a lot lately.  That is her escape.  I’m cool with it.  I really am.  But I have to imagine that the amount of money going to her nails would make me cringe if I were to see the annual fees.  I don’t ever harp on how my wife spends her money, but lately I have been meantally wrestling with the fact that I have to drop 150 and 30 bucks a month to join a gym.  I have succumbed to my fattiness and accepted my fate of being one who truly enjoys to eat.  I wouldn’t say that I am a “Fat man” but I am not far off.  I could definitely benefit from 40 lbs falling off my stomach.  So, as of today, I say F It!  My fat stomach comes before nails.  She can still have her “mannies and peddies” as she calls it, but my stomach doesn’t seem to like my body much so it has taken control and I must fight it back to the flatness that it once was.  I have decided to join the gym…

I can’t say when.  I have a church meeting tonight, followed by fast food on my way home. Tomorrow I have my Billiard league night, followed by picking up a frozen pizza from 7-11 at midnight.  Friday night I have Bingo at the church until 10.  I am sure fast food is in my future that night too!  Maybe taco bell.  Saturday I have 3 balloon parties all day.  Sunday is NFL football while eating a ton of shit that I know God didn’t think when he created the stuff that all of it could enter the human body at the same time. 

But I’ll do it…someday.  (nails win) 

Filed under: achy, balloon, body, confused, excuse, grouchy, wife