Do I smell?

That is a genuine question that I had to ask myself last night at the gym.  It become comical after a while. Let me explain…

I am now feeling much better.  I am over the Bronchitis thing, although I can still be heard around the office ridding myself of flemmy substances that seem to have hung around or is the aftermath of a bronchitis infection.  I think I should stop taking the antibiotics and save the remainder for the next time that I come down with this, but my wife disagrees.  Why use them all when I am feeling better and have enough still to get me through the next meeting of good vs. evil germ warfare? 

Anywho, I decided to get back on the horse in regards to my weight loss regimen.  I restarted my food diet, and went back to the gym last night.  I hit the weights hard and got in quite a workout.  I have become annoyed because the physical trainers are now on some sort of membership drive where they will interrupt your workout to ask if I personally know anyone looking to join a gym.  I was asked that question by no less than 3 different trainers last night.  There must be some sort of commission out right now for recruiting.  It’s quite annoying, really. 

After I was done with weights, I moved on to cardio and was on an elliptical machine.  After about a5 minutes, a girl walked up and got on the machine next to me.  It’s nice to have a girl get on a machine next to you because usually they smell very nice and you can’t help but catch the fresh smell that they bring to their space.  (that sounded pretty creepy, I know)  After a minute she stopped and got off the machine.  She walked down to the end of the row and got on another machine and continued her work out. 

5 minutes later, another girl walked up and got on the machine.  She made it a few minutes before quitting and moving to another machine far away. 

Another few minutes go by and someone else comes up to the machine.  This time it’s a guy.  He stays with it for less than a minute before moving on.  I immediately started laughing wondering what on earth is driving them away.  I am sweating, but I can’t smell that bad.  I secretly slowed down and tried to breath in the air around me.  I did a quick breath check and all seemed normal. 

Finally another girl came up to the machine, and sure enough, she stopped and left.  She moved to the machine on the other side of me, which told me that it wasn’t me.  I looked over at her and asked why she switched machines since 5 others had done the same.  She responed with the fact that the computer on the machine kept saying “error” when you would try and choose a workout routine.  “Ahhh, that’s why…” I responded.  And I honestly thought it was me that was driving everyone away. 

Knowing that one of the physical trainers was approaching me yesterday, I intentionally messed with his mind. 

On each cardio machine, there is a 15″ LCD television that allows you to watch whatever channel you want.  Built into the system is a closed circuit channel where you can watch your child in the gym day care center on one of two different camera angles.  As the trainer approaced me, I flipped to the day care room channel.  As he talked to me about knowing anyone who might want to join, he noticed what channel I was watching.  He asked which child was mine trying to develop chatter, and it came to a screeching halt when I answered, “none…I don’t have children…” He stammered and went on with his scripted questions scrolled out on his clipboard eluding to me asking family and friends if they want to get roped in to a new gym membership so I can get a month free.  I doubt that person will ever ask me anything ever again. 

I am debating with the idea of getting T-shirts made that say, “No I don’t know anyone that wants to join this gym.”  Or maybe a hat would be just as good. 

Filed under: Exercise, creepy, elliptical, smelly, stupid, weird

Today…I ache

Happy Monday! 

Today I am faced with my first real situation where I have started this blog, but I do not have something on the edge of my mind screaming to get out into cyber space.  I swore that I would not post just to say hello and wish everyone a wonderful day.  It has always been my intention to only write when I really have something to say.  Well, today…I ache.  The reason? 

Because I have a wife that is fun sized.  Not such a good trait when it comes time to move furniture.  It is on weekends like this past one where I wish I would have married one of those She-Hulk freaks you see flexing poses during the Body building competitions late at night on ESPN2. (think of Starla the wife of Rex Kwon Do in Napoleon Dynamite)  I have always looked at those women and felt truly un-arousing thoughts because the only easily differentiating factor between these women and a man is the longer hair. 

Anyway, this weekend, my wife and I set out to work around the house.  She had asked me if I thought it would be a good idea if we moved some things around in our house.  I agreed with her without putting any serious thought into it.  We had decided that we would move our office into the guest bedroom upstairs and get rid of the older hand me down dressers to make room for the computer desk, book case and filing cabinet.  She wanted to free up room in our loft to move the elliptical machine upstairs so that we could work out without going down into our finished basement.  So, first thing first, we had to take pictures of the dressers so that we could sell them on craigs list.  Then, take all the drawers out and carry them down the steps to the garage.  Next was the part that I had not put any thought into.  The fun sized wife.  When it comes to a fun sized wife, moving anything heavy becomes much more difficult.   So basically, I am on my own to haul two very large, very long and very heavy dressers, and one large mirrored hutch that mounts to the top of her dresser, down two smaller sets of stairs without destroying the walls to take them out to the garage.  So, after much lifting, sliding, flipping, contorting, and muscle pulling, all three pieces were finally in the garge.  What a pain.  I felt good about it, because being a man, anytime you successfully move large pieces of wood a good distance, you immediately want to start dancing around a fire and grunting cave man sounds.  But trouble loomed on the horizon….

Since we had hired professional movers to haul everything from our old house into our new house, I had never the pleasure to experience exactly how heavy our industrial elliptical machine is.  I classify it as industrial, because this piece of machinery is as nice as one you would find in any expensive gym.  Not your run of the mill plastic 100.00 elliptical machine.  This baby cost us a fortune.  Our thought process was that since we each were wasting 60.00 a month at a gym and the only machine we were using was the elliptical machine, then there would be a very quick return on our investment if we just bought a very high quality one.  I would say in hind site, it gets a lot of use from my wife, but I only use it when I go on a terror and get motivated to exercise which usually lasts 5-7 days before I fall off the wagon.  So, there is usually a six month stint between my week long visits with the machine.  Anyway, it was now my goal to get this damn thing up the two flights of stairs to the main level.  Lucky for me, the legs fold upwards to create a 400 pound monster that looks like something out of the older Star Wars films.  With some help from my wife, and I credit her for sacrificing her body as did I, we were able to get it all the way up to one stair short of the top.  With a wall there, we could not tilt it as we had on all the other stairs and pull it up over the carpeting.  This is when I tilted the whole machine onto my thighs and bear hugged it and lifted it up one stair.  At that moment, I felt every muscle in my lower back and thighs yell different names at me that I choose not to mention here. (this is the moment where I wish I had a monsterous wife like the picture included.)  But, I did it.  That feeling of wanting to dance around a fire had gone away.  In its place were thoughts of a long soothing bath and Hot/cold treatments to my back and legs to allow them the ability to at least let me go to work on Monday. 

So, today is achy Monday…

Filed under: achy, body, elliptical, moving, sore, wife