I am feeling the effects of the economy

It is not very often that I am glad to actually be back in the office on a Monday morning, but after the crazy that was Easter weekend for me, work is very calming and welcome. 

Due to Church obligations we have been at church Thursday night and Friday night, as well as all day on Saturday, so Easter Sunday truly was a day of rest…well…sort of anyway. 

Easter was a little weird this year for me.  For the first time in several years we were not at our sister in laws house.  She and her husband were off to be with his father who was in the hospital recovering from heart surgery.  So, we picked up my wife’s father and headed off to Francesca Tavolas in Downtown Arlington Heights for Easter Brunch.  Today I am still moving slow based on the sheer mass of food consumed, but like a snake digesting an animal, things are beginning to settle. 

With the diet I have been following, after consuming so much food yesterday, my stomach craved something today so I ventured upstairs to the cafe in my building for the first time in a good couple of months.  I used to be sure that the cafe management aimed at killing everyone in our building off based on the quality of food, but over time it has gotten better.  While in the cafeteria today, signs of the economy could be seen everywhere.  No more crackers for the soups.  Only two soups available instead of four.  Salad bar options were limited.  The prices had skyrocketed.  They were actually now charging for a pat of butter to put on your toast for breakfast.  Wow. 

I decided to go with a steak sandwich.  Now that Lent is over, I’m excited to eat meat on Fridays.   This upcoming Friday I have already begun calling it “Portillos Friday” since I plan on eating as much meat for lunch as my stomach will allow.  Typically whenever I get a steak sandwich I have all sorts of sauces to choose from.  When I got to the counter after I paid, where there once was a parade of sauces now only contained giant dispensers of ketchup, mustard, and mayo.  They still had hot sauce as well.  Bummer.  No steak sauce. I can’t imagine eating a cheese steak with ketchup and mustard.  In my mind the price is right losing horns played signifying that I was on the losing end of the economic woes. 

That will teach me to go upstairs to the over priced cafe where they will charge you an arm and a leg for lunch and not offer the sauce.  Maybe that was Gods way of punishing me for getting off the diet for a few days.   I now hope that they don’t start skimping on paper goods in the bathroom.

Filed under: Easter

One more day…

Easter has come and gone, and besides the 12″ of snow that was recorded from my town near the Wisconsin border, it was quite uneventful.  Which, compared to last years Easter debacle, is a blessing in itself. 

I was upset to have spent some of my time researching where we might enjoy an Easter Brunch with my Father in Law.  When we arrived at his house on Easter, my wife asked him where he wanted to go for lunch, and I was shocked to hear him say IHOP.  So, IHOP it was.  I can’t honestly say that IHOP even entered my mind for an Easter meal.  I would imagine that after you have celebrated 85 Easter meals, IHOP would be a change of pace.  What I did learn this Easter holiday was that I take leftovers for granted.  When we headed home it dawned on me that there wouldn’t be a leftover ham sandwich in my future.  I love ham sandwiches. 

Speaking of meat, within the next 24 hours, I will begin my quest to put every single pound back on my frame that I have worked so meticulously over the past 2 months to lose.  I have 4 full days to go nuts in Vegas, and I am drueling at the thought of putting so much garbage in my body.  I love to eat.  Which is why I decided that I was never meant to be skinny.  I don’t do many things well in life, but I am proud of my ability to eat.  I have tortured myself for almost 70 days for this trip, and there are no holds barred.  I anticipate hearing an oriental guy yelling at me for being at the buffet for 4 hours and that I am not allowed to come back.  My favorite dining place in Vegas is the Rum Jungle at Mandalay Bay Hotel and Casino.   http://www.chinagrillmgt.com/rumjungle/main.cfm?pp=0 There is just something about all you can eat meat (some bacon wrapped) that makes me giggle like a schoolgirl.  I type this as I nibble on a Crispy Chocolate Peanut butter meal replacement bar.  (that might be the gayest thing I have ever written and I have omitted the brand name) I don’t care what the box says, but it isn’t chocolate, and doesn’t even taste like chocolate.  It should really be called Peanut butter Ass…as in “I can hardly taste peanut butter through the strong dirty Ass flavor.” 

Filed under: Easter, In laws, bachelor party, ride the snake, stupid

March Madnessy goodness

I can’t help but sit here and pay attention to all of the College Basketball that is going on.  This is my second March Madness where instead of taking the afternoon off to sit in a bar and watch the games, I am trapped behind a desk staring at a computer and talking on the phone.  I miss outside sales.  The grass is always greener. 

I came to the conclusion that I am the reason why companies hire specific IT specialist staff to prevent their employees from being able to use worktime to enjoy a basketball tournament.  My company has done such a good job that anything with the word “March” or ”Madness” is on lockdown.  If I google the word “March” I can’t see something so simple as a church calendar without Websense blocking it.

Thank god for the web on Cellphones. 

I noticed that many of my coworkers are not in today.  I don’t know if it is that fact that we are looking down the barrel of 12″ of snow on this second day of Spring or if it is because of Good Friday prior to Spring Break next week.  A non practicing Catholic coworker this morning said something in our team meeting this morning about “Calling in Catholic” today.  He asked me why I didn’t “Call in Catholic” today as well.  That seems to be his cute way of saying that as a Holy Day, we have the right to stay home since today is one of the Holiest of the Holy days.  My only answer for him was to ask him a question. 

“Dennis, your one of the most Catholic people I know, why didn’t you call in Catholic today?” 

“If you were to have called in today and stayed home for Good Friday, what would you have done instead of working?” I asked. 

“I would sleep in, watch the Price is Right, watch some movies, it’s snowing out, so I doubt I would have gone anywhere…” 

My question that followed up his answer was, “Why stay home then?”

“What do you mean?”

“If you are going to stay home in observance of a holy day, how is anything you mentioned to me bringing you closer to Jesus?”

“…”

Happy Good Friday.  Happy Easter. 

Filed under: Easter

Sleepy Friday!!!!

Happy Sleepy Friday!  I woke up today in a complete haze.  Due to my poor judgement and slight perfectionist traits, I only received two and a half hours of sleep last night.  The reason?  Balloons. 

This will be my coming out email to explain my weird connection to latex.  I have a latex addiction.  I love latex.  I don’t know why.  Latex likes me too.  This is not the latex addiction where I like to melt it and  paint it all over my body, mind you.  My interest in it is nothing like those creepy older people you see on the weird late night real sex shows that play on HBO.  You know what I am talking about…where you get to see the disturbed minds of middle to older aged people when it comes to fetishes.  No, nothing like that.

 I am a professional latex manipulator.  Or as we are commonly known by little children as “The Balloon man!”  Or as I like to refer to it as a balloon twister. 

I have been twisting balloons since I was 13 years old.  The story behind how I became involved with this profession is quite a long one and I will share that with you later when I actually have the time to type out the long traumatic story.  But, as of today, I moonlight as a Professional balloon entertainer any time I can convince somone that their birthday party/picnic/school event/block party/festival/special event would not be nearly as fun without the amazement of me and my balloons.  I do not advertise at all and my business is purely by word of mouth.  I have a regular full time job that keeps me busy 50-60 hours a week, but that does not fulfill the financial burden for all of my strange habits and pleasures in life.  I know that money is the root of all evil and that I should not want more, but life is expensive.  I will not talk about my real day job because I do work for one of those Fortune 500 companies that have a way of finding the dumbest reason to fire people. (seriously though, I have seen some people get fired for reasons that blow my mind!  I am dying to reveal these stories, but fear serious reprecussion.)  I have pressed the threshold at work already for dumb reasons to be fired, but blogging is not my ideal reason to be dismissed from my primary source of income.  Anyhow, I twist balloons every tuesday night at a restaurant in Algonquin. 

I make great money twisting balloons.  I seriously have to argue with myself as to why I do not drop everything and go out and entertain for a living.  Balloons to me is the most theraputic thing I can do after a stress filled day.  It’s very weird because it is a fine combination between being an engineer and being a clown.  The engineering part comes into play on the more complex creations where you are building things out of balloons.  The clowning portion comes into the response you give to a childs reaction to the creation.  Especially when you mess up.  Or if the creation you make doesn’t quite do the trick.  There is nothing like creating a large animal out of balloons and having it’s head pop while you are drawing on the eyes and adding detail.  When you create a balloon animal for a child, it becomes a living breathing animal.  Once it’s head pops, you have now killed the new pet.  This is when you have to put it into overdrive and say something funny to prevent the child from crying.  Like “It’s a good thing I took Surgery 101 back at balloon school!” Then I will twist a new head on the creation as I shout things like, “”Forceps!” “Clamp!” “Scalpel!  No, wait!!!! – No Scalpels! Sponge!” “Suction! No, wait!!! – Pressure!” “Suture!” and etc. Good stuff I tell you.  If that doesn’t get the child laughing, I don’t know what will.   

So, I enjoy to twist balloons.  Does that make me a weirdo?  I wouldn’t think so.  Others might.  You can see a sample of my work at www.misterd.balloonhq.com .  I have posted some of my more memorable creations there. My balloon business name is Mister D’s Balloon Twisting.  Balloon Art With A Twist!  Fun, eh? 

Off the subject of ballooning.  I want to quickly hit on a few other things since my traumatic Easter. Many have asked me what the one big thing was that someone said to me that ruined everything.  I will say that I do not really care to talk about it anymore, because every time that I do, it only makes me rehash the holiday, and I would prefer not too.  I will leave it hanging out there like a storyline from the Soprano’s second season that still has not found a resolution. 

Was anyone else  as disappointed as I was about the final season premier of Sopranos?  Shoddy camera work made me feel for the first time that this truly was an HBO show and not a movie.  Usually the Soprano’s were edited in a much better manner than this episode.  For only having 8 final episodes, they really didn’t have too much action going on either. 

The one good thing about Easter was attending church that morning.  I will ask this question with potential reprecussions later.  Do only the good looking people go to Church on Easter?  Not that I am saying that there are not good looking people that go to church at other time, but it just seemed that my church was filled with good looking people.  Typically, you could say, due to the season change, a layer of clothing might come off.  Guys can wear dress shirts without a sweater or coat and women can wear dresses, skirts, and dress pants vs. the snow suit that women usually wear during the winter.  But this year, it was snowing on Easter, so that excuse is no longer legit.  I truly believe that most of the good looking people fall under the category of ChrEasters.  You know, the friends you will see in church only on the two major religious holidays…  You could almost say to them during Easter Mass, “See you at Christmas!”

Finally, I am struggling with finishing posts.  I have like 6 that I have started but haven’t found the time to finish.  When I go back to them, I will read it and wonder where my mind was as I typed each post.  I am finding that if I do not finish the post as I start it, I have a difficult time bending my brain back into the mindset that it was in when I started.  Therefore, I may start posting shorter, and incomplete posts to prevent the time wastedness.  Not that many people come and read this.  The therapy is in putting your thoughts on a page.  Who really cares if people read it or not.  I enjoyed writing what I did even if it does not get shot out into Cyberspace. 

 Enjoy your weekend!  I have three balloon events that I am entertaining for this weekend, so it will be a theraputic weekend for me. 

Filed under: Easter, balloon, confused, free porn, latex, sleepy

The Great Easter Train Wreck

So, today is a new day.  Easter is gone, and I will gladly say that I have stepped away from the ledge.  Last night I came to grips with my life.  I have accepted the fact that from time to time, this world likes to shit on you.  This whole shitting on you view is new to me.  It has happened in the past, but nothing like as of late.  I have to question it, though.  Is the world shitting on me more than in the past, or am I starting to get tired of it?  Before when something would go wrong, I would just say “Oh well, that is in God’s plan…”.  Now, when something bad happens, I become angry…I tremble.  I crave beer or some other form of numbing solution. 

Yesterday was by far the maddest day of my life.  Yesterdays outburst was the culmination of months of being shit on.  Sorry to spray the shit, but I had no other place to go.  I wrote that I would post why my Easter sucked.  I touched on all of it except the fat momma of all reasons.  The one thing that was said that ruined not only my Easter Sunday, but my work Monday too! 

A family member snapped at me and said something in a joking manner right at the end of Easter Dinner.  Funny thing about it was that she was the only one who thought it was funny.  The words paraded out of her mouth without thought.  If ever in life you could have a sound effect button at your disposal to play a sound at the exact moment that it would illustrate exactly what happened, I could have used it during Easter Dinner.  The sound effect I would have chosen was a train crash.    The moment the comment left her mouth, I heard train brakes screeching and then the moment switched to slow motion.  I looked at my wife and the look went from “That was funny…” thinking that someone was making a joke to “what the hell was that….?” after her brain digested what had just soiled every square inch of her frontal lobe, and then everyone looked at each other and you could taste the tension in the air.  Then, the crash….

I wanted to ensure that the individual that made the comment about me understood that what she had said was downright the dumbest attempt at humor ever.  My wife told her that what she had said was not nice and that it pretty much ruined Easter Dinner and I immediately stood up and left the table.  I will not say what she said to me in this blog, for fear of enlarging my hypothalamus, (technical terms are fun!)  but I will say that it was singlehandedly the meanest, most rude thing anyone could ever and has ever said to me.  Especially infront of her and her husbands family which I am not close with. 

To sum up my Easter, and this will be the last thing I say about my wonderful holiday.  When we got home around 9:15 pm on a Sunday evening, my wife offered me a beer. 

She has never offered me a beer.  She won’t even get me a beer if I ask her too while lying on the couch during a critical moment of football. This single action confirmed every reason I have ever had for marrying her. 

Two quick funny “shit on” stories from yesterday.  I was in training at work yesterday.  I was scheduled for two seperate different trainings on the same technology, but a beginners course and an advanced course.  I attended the beginner and then the advanced.  It wasn’t until 20 minutes into the advanced training that I realized that it was going to be covering the exact same thing we covered in the beginner.  I raised my hand, and in a very “I am being shit on right now, aren’t I?” voice asked if there were going to be any different points brought up that was not covered in the beginner training.  He said no.  I said “Is there any reason for me to be here if I was in the first training?”  he said “No.”  I would have preffered for him to have said “No, guy, why do you ask?”  He wasn’t even a good presenter.  Why would I watch him present the same info twice?  There were many of us that were tricked into attending, though.  My anger from Easter allowed me to speak up and call him out on it, which I wouldn’t have done in the past.  From here on out, if I sense being shit on, I will call the shitter out! 

 Second “shit on” story.  When I got home from work last night I stopped by my mailbox to get the mail.  I went inside and one of the first pieces of mail I opened is from a credit collection agency from Bloomington Illinois (where I went to college).  Apparently, a phone bill went unpaid from 7 years ago, and now they want me to send 240.00.  Are you kidding me?  Can someone grab my right nut, because the squeeze on the left one just isn’t enough!  So, now I get to deal with people that have a middle school education to try and find out if this debt is legit or not and whether it is even worth me paying it since it has to be bordering on some sort of statute of limitations. 

My next post will not be so angry….I promise!  I have been dying to post about my flip cap issue in the shower….stay tuned!

Filed under: Easter, In laws, beer, collection, confused, grouchy, mean, train wreck, wife

When good Easters go bad…

So Easter has come and gone and I am now two for two this year.  I am going to include this past Christmas in this year because it is my life, my blog, therefore what I says goes.  I have successfully had two of the worst consecutive major holidays to date in my life.  Back to back.  How can I be so lucky? 

Many things became very clear to me yesterday.  For the past few weeks I have been accused by some as being overly sensitive.  I have explored my life and wondered why.  I have even gone to the extreme as blaming it lately on these stupid energy drinks that I am addicted to calling them “Roid Rage Juice”.  Watch out, because when I am on the juice who knows how I am going to react to anything.  Whatever.  It isn’t the stupid soda.  It’s the fact that lately some pretty shitty things have been said to me about me.  I am the same old Dennis the Menace.  Happy go lucky, causin problems for Mr. Wilson without realizing it Dennis.  That’s me! 

So, I will attempt to explain my anger from this weekend without going so far as to ruin relationships, which I am learning is a very thin line when it comes to blogging.  But, as I am finding out lately, why should I give a rats ass if others do not? 

This was a wonderful Easter season in that I was able to experience the journey for many to strengthen their relationship with God.  This weekend I experienced Baptisms, Confirmations, and First Communions.  Some of the Holiest of Sacraments that take place within the Catholic Church.  All of that took place on Saturday during the Easter Vigil.  That my friends, was a wonderful Easter.  But then, Easter Sunday had to come and get in the way of all the beauty that was this weekend.  Let me explain….

For all my life I have heard people talk about “When good holiday’s go bad”.  But I had not really experienced it.  This last Christmas was by far the worst Christmas to date, but I just chalked that up to the fact that I was celebrating with my family without my wife.  So, I spent the two day celebration alone in a hotel room missing my best friend (wife) when I was not with my family.  (whole story on my family some other time) 

Let me put together my Easter schedule for you so that I can break down why my Easter sucked the rotten Easter Egg. 

11:30 arrive at St. Edna to attend mass with my wife and father in law. 

11:50 get in to 11:30 mass due to no parking spaces withing a 5 mile radius of the church. 

12:35 snapped at by one of the Priests that begins the dreaded Easter Day.

1:00 sit in the back seat of a small Hyndai Elantra for one hour while my wife drives me and my father in law to her sisters house. (keep in mind, I am a big boy) I sit in back seat because my father in law can’t due to age and my wife likes to drive when her father is in the car. 

2:00 arrive at sister in laws house and as we pull up I am told that not only do I have to deal my sister in laws dog that doesn’t know how to behave, but then the bomb is dropped on me that my brother in laws family will be there too!  Which means all sorts of young children climbing, screaming, running, and craziness is now in my future. 

2:05 The news is announced (follow me on this one) My brother in law Eric has a sister named Jen.  She is married to an individual named Ho.  (there is a joke in there somewhere, but after 6 years, I still have not hammered it down)  We have been told that Ho will not be joining us on Easter because Jen and Ho are fighting.  Yet their children are there.  I thought inside my head that if Ho isn’t coming here, then they must be having a pretty bad Easter themselves.  In hindsite, Ho must have some sort of incredible powers that allow him to see into the future. 

3:30.  Cubs lose.  That alone pisses me off.

5:00 Easter dinner is served.   We are called to the table at 4:00 and the Masters is only 2 holes away from being finished. I go to the dinning room table and sit down as I am told to by my wife. 

5:30 My father in law has finished checking his blood sugar level and we are now finally ready to eat.  I missed the ending of the masters.  This angers me even more.  The food is now cold which upsets me as much as my brother in law who is very visibly angry. 

5:50 The single meanest statement is made to me ever that removes me from the dinner table and contemplating leaving my wife and father in law at her sisters house without a car on their own to get home. 

The rest of the evening was a blur.  I do remember hiding upstairs in a bathroom pretending to have stomach problems for close to a half an hour until we left so that I didn’t ruin Easter even more by saying what was on my mind.  I took the high road, and I am still seething right now if you aren’t able to tell.  I have a training I am going to run off to for the next hour.  I will post in detail about the big event later today.  My coworkers are frightened by me today.  They know something is wrong, but are afraid of the wrath I might bestow upon them.  

Hope everyone else had a wonderful Easter. 

Filed under: Church, Easter, In laws, Roid Rage juice, confused, grouchy, mean, wife

Happy Good Friday!

Happy Good Friday everyone!  One of my wife’s students asked her last week why they call it Good Friday and she realized that she didn’t know.  Being a pretend Biblical buff and knower of religious knowledge she asked me the questions and I realized that I had no idea as well.  Why would this day be labeled as “Good” when it celebrates an historical event that could only be labeled as horrible.  I don’t want to go all religious on you for this blog, but I guess when you look at the final outcome that came from the events of the Passion it is all Good.   Technically speaking, they call it Good Friday because it stems from the early English term “Godes Friday” which meant “God’s Friday”.  So, we say Good Friday when Good meaning God.  Interesting. 

Anywho, funny thing happened to me last night at church.  On the Thursday prior to Easter our Parish celebrates a meal called Agape.  This is a big Pot Luck and 700-800 people attend.  It is a nice dinner followed by Mass where we celebrate Jesus being taken from us after the Last Supper.  Anyway, it was during this meal last night and two very strange and very similar occcurences happened to me that sent my head spinning. 

“Hey, how are you, Guy?” 

“Hey, Guy! How are things?” 

Within 5 minutes, two different individuals referred to me as “Guy” within two very similar statements. 

Now, I am a pretty active individual at my Parish, but I am not so big headed that I expect that everyone at my chuch will remember my name.  I don’t know what it is about the “Guy” thing, but to me it is the same as saying:

“Hey, how are you, man who I feel may have gained the respect to get my hello, but not enough for me to remember you name?” 

or

“Hey, person who I really don’t care enough to make the effort to remember you name!”  “How are things?” 

 Deep down in my head as these two individuals made their attempt at friendliness all I heard running through my head were my versions of their statements.  Needless to say, their attept to being a friendly person failed miserably. 

Instead of saying the word “Guy” I would rather have them fill in that part of the sentence with anything, vulgar or not,  and it wouldn’t bother me so much.   

“Hey, how are you, retard!”….Not as offensive as Guy. I would find humor in this.

“Hey, Numb Nuts! How are things!”…Once again…offensive and funny.  Works better than Guy. 

All I’m trying to say is, the next time you run into someone whom you don’t know their name, do not call them “Guy”.  From a “Guys” perspective, it’s like calling someone a “F*#K Face”.  What if I referred to every woman I didn’t know in my salutation as “Hey, what’s new Girl?”  I think that they would know I am full of shit.  Resolving this issue is very simple.  Just don’t refer to an individual in anything other than “You”.  How are YOU doing?  How are things going for YOU?  Simple. 

 I will get off my soap box now and wish everyone a very wonderful Easter.  Enjoy the holiday and this “guy” will see you all on Monday. 

Filed under: Church, Easter, Guy, confused, grouchy