Wow

It’s been 10 days since I last posted.  I blame it on a few different things. 

1. My new iPhone.  I will confess my love in the second half of this post.

2. Twitter.  I am in the early phases of testing this technology as something that I want to utilize in marketing my balloon art business (www.iloveballoonanimals.com if you have no idea what I am talking about)

3. Church overcommitment. 

But first, a quick tale about my brother.  He turned 37 on Saturday.  I called to wish him a happy birthday.  He was at the bar playing darts and drinking at 8:30pm when I called to wish him a happy b’day.  I spoke with him again around 10:00pm and he seemed fine.  I received a call from my mother at 10:00am Sunday morning informing me that my brother was in jail.  He apparently went to his wife’s apartment (they are currently seperated) and in a drunken stupor essentially knocked on the wrong apartment door and proceeded to barge into the wrong apartment.  Then when police arrived he decided that his 3rd degree blackbelt status would come in handy.  When all of that was done he thought it would be fun to break out of the cop car.  All of this netted him a two day trip to county jail where today he will stand before a judge to hear how much money he has to come up with to post bail.  They have no money.  He was arrested for breaking and entering, assaulting a police officer, and resisting arrest.  In addition to this incident my money is on the fact that he loses his job when they find out.  My sister in law spoke with him the morning after the incident and he basically told her that he didn’t remember anything really about the night up until the moment he was tasered. 

I have been praying for my brother since this incident.  I bet he never forgets this birthday.  Since he is only 4 years older than me, I have partied hard with him many a nights in college and I can’t say I ever saw him this out of control.   This incident has kind of put my own alcohol consumption and decision making into perspective. 

Twitter:  If you are on twitter and want to join me, I can be found here

Church overcommitment:  Someone came up to me two years ago and thought that a fall fest or Oktoberfest would be a great idea.  So the ball got rolling and we finally are having our first church Oktoberfest.  The only problem is that I think I and a very small group of people are the only ones on board.  The event is this upcoming Sunday and while I have lined up an awesome band, ridiculously awesome beer that will be served in 32oz mugs, great german food, and things for the kids to do, I don’t see a good turnout coming.  With less than a combination of 200 adults/children we will lose a good chunk of change.  For the record, this will be the last new event I run at church for a very long time. 

iPhone:   My love for this device can be summed up by a story from yesterday.  I was booked to entertain during a birthday party in a forrest preserve near the Wisconsin border. (literally in the middle of no where) The Chicago Bears game started at 3:00pm and I arrived at 4:45 and entertained until around 5:45pm.  While I was putting my equipment away, I pulled out my iPhone and fired up the Directv Superfan App that allows me to watch live football on my phone.  I clicked “Watch Live” on the bears game and sat my phone down waiting for the game to begin running.  Moments later, it was time to sing Happy birthday and I walked away from the phone to join in on the celebration.  I was talking with a few of the parents for a few moments and then noticed that a large group of guys were hovering around my stuff on the other side of the picnic shelter.  I walked over and realized that all of the men had found my phone lying on the picnic table and were watching the end of the bears game.  I laughed as soon as I saw what they were watching and was bombarded with 20 questions as to how on earth I could watch a Bears game live on my cellphone.  If I had a box of iphones and directv contracts I could have sold them together for 1000.00 a piece to each of the fathers that were miffed about missing the bears game for a childrens birthday party.   After nearly cancelling my Sunday ticket package from Directv, I have been sold 10 times over with the new addition of my iphone.  Since I entertain on almost every Sunday, this is now my only way to catch the NFL while entertaining.  It’s an expensive set up with 430.00 for the new 32GB 3GS  with accessories and 400 for the sunday ticket w/Superfan (which I negotiated down to 250 for everything).  But at that moment when all the dads stood in awe of technology, every penny was worth it. 

Sorry for the long post.  It’s 12:3o right now and I have to believe that my brother could be finding out any time now how much money he needs to pay to get out of the clink.  I think i’ll call his cellphone and tell him that I love him since he could probably use some love right about now.

Filed under: Birthday, Brother, Church, Overcommitment, balloon, drunk, iPhone, peer pressure

Too long

Apologies for the lack of posts over the past month.  If the first weekend of summer is any indicator as to how busy it will be, I should dig in and prepare for battle. 

A few highlights from the past few weeks of my life. 

My best friend got married.  I was the best man in what I can only describe as one of the most amazing weddings ever.   The wedding was held at Medinah Country Club, and anyone that lives in the Chicagoland area knows that you only get married at Medinah if you are either family of a  Medinah member or you have a very good friend that belongs to the club.  In this instance the father of the bride just happened to be close with a club member.  I could write a book about the night but I will try and keep it short. 

1. I gave the best man speech.  Chris and I had been at a few weddings together after he asked me to be his best man and after each best man speech he would comment to me about how unhearfelt they were coming from someone reading off of a piece of paper.  So, I kept it brief and from the heart.  I had 5 or 6 quick points to mention before I toasted to them and I made it through the toast.  I didn’t write a single thing down, and I didn’t rehearse it.  I won’t say I nailed it, but I am pretty sure that everyone enjoyed what I had to say in the 6-8 minutes that I talked. 

2. After my speech was over I got wasted.  I made a point to drink minimally before the speech but once my official best man duties were over, it was on. 

3. I learned that when I get really drunk I like to smack asses and kiss people on the cheek for photos.  I don’t know where the smacking asses thing came from but I was told by not only my wife, but many of my friends that I either smacked their ass or grabbed it throughout the night.  Guys and girls apparently.  I don’t really know what this says about me, but I’m not going to dwell on it. 

4. I looked at the photos on my digital camera from the post reception party that went until 2am and then the post post reception party that went until 5am and I don’t remember much of anything.  While scrolling through photos, the look of horror on the faces of those who I pulled in for the photo does tell me that maybe I was a bit out of control. 

5. In a monday morning meeting I had a flashback where when I stopped in my hotel room between after parties and grabbed a bottle of beer that I had been icing down.  I tried to pop the top off by wedging it onto the marble bathroom counter and proceeded to break of the entire top of the glass bottle.  I remember my wife having to remove the broken bottle from my hands as I was attempting to drink the beer without cutting my lips. 

6. They had a photo booth at the reception.  This is hands down the greatest thing you can do for a wedding reception. The booth is large enough to where 6-8 people can fit in it and take private photos.  When you mix an open bar with private photos, fun ensues towards the end of the night.  I’ll leave it at that.  The only thing keeping it from getting totally out of control is the simple fact that each set of 4 photos goes into a photo album with a personalized message that goes to the bride and groom. 

7.  I will never again book a balloon twisting event in the afternoon after an open bar wedding reception.  I had to twist balloons for 3 hours at a festival on the Sunday after the reception and I didn’t feel so well. 

That’s all that jumps out at me.  I can’t reiterate enough that next to my wedding this was truly one of the most enjoyable days of my life.  I am really happy for my best friend and hope that I didn’t do anything throughout the reception that might prevent him from ever wanting to talk to me again when he returns back from their 3 week honeymoon.

That’s about it.  I went boating on Saturday at the chain o lakes and ended up on Blarney Island.  I was out in the sun from 7am until the sun went down and my flesh will begin falling off of me in another 2 or 3 days.  I am redder than a lobster right now even though I applied some major sunblock. 

An observation in my life:  Many of my friends are becoming more responsible and partying less.  I have found myself in a role reversal lately where I am usually the responsible one who doesn’t get drunk and has to deal with friends that are bombed.  I have been cutting loose lately when I have had no responsibilities for driving only to be disappointed when those who usually go crazy are subdued.  I am still waiting for the perfect storm of friends and beer.  I don’t know when that’s going to happen, but hopefully soon. 

That’s it for today.  I’ll put more up soon!

Filed under: balloon, beer, drunk, weekend, wife

stupid birthday thoughts

Wakey, Wakey…one week until my birthday cakey, cakey…(I stole that from My Name is Earl)

I don’t really know how to call these thoughts anything but stupid, but I am really torn about my impending birthday coming up in less than a week. 

Let me preface this story by saying I love birthdays.  I love to celebrate birthdays and I love having birthdays.  I love celebrating my own birthday.  But my issue in life has been this.  I was born on or around Thanksgiving.  I have to describe it as “on or around” since thanksigiving is a different day each year depending on when the fourth Thursday or each year is.  Sometimes my birthday falls on Thanksgiving (2013), sometimes it’s the day after (as it is this year), sometimes it is the weekend after (2010, 2011) and sometimes it is almost a whole week after (2012).  Regardless, the majority of the time my birthday falls during a time when additional celebration outside of the traditional Thanksgiving gatherings just doesn’t happen.  So I am often times left to celebrate all by my lonesome (insert violin music here).  

What usually offsets my lonliness on my birthday is focusing on the materialistic side of things and what I might get.  My wife struggles with my birthday since I never tell her what I want.  I have a hard time telling her what I want when I don’t even know what I want.  I have wanted a Wii for over a year now, and have even had one staring right at me available for purchase but I passed. 

I think I have finally decided that I need more violence in my life so I am going to get an XBox 360 combined with the new Grand Theft Auto.  There is just nothing like popping caps in people’s asses and bitch slapping ho’s  in a video game.  On occasion when I am really stressed out, I will pull out the older Playstation two and play GTA San Adreas just to shoot and kill things.  It’s kind of a stress relief.  And now that the snow has begun to fall and it’s colder than shit out, I have looked back on the spring summer and fall and wondered where the hell it went.  With my regular job, and my balloon business, and all of the travels, I actually had a total of 3 non working non traveling days.  That’s just three complete days where I didn’t have to go sit at a computer desk all day, go to some party and twist balloons, or get on a plane and fly somewhere for an extended amount of time.  So as of right now I have begun decreasing the amount of balloon parties I take and I am going to enjoy some weekends at home and some time off.  I am looking forward to the holidays. 

I’m off to go twist balloons for a few hours this evening and the rest of this weekend will hopefully be filled with all sorts of inebriation.

Filed under: Birthday, drunk, grouchy, wife, work

Did he say fattie?

Last Friday was a most interesting one as the wife and I attended the wedding and reception of a couple from our church.  Typically Friday nights are the night I twist balloons from 6-8:30pm, so this was a refreshing change of pace for me having a Friday night off.  So at the reception we were seated with other people from church including the Priest.  Knowing everyone very well, we had a blast, and actually had probably a bit too much fun because certain people put down their guard and revealed a little too much about themselves in front of us.  The highlight of the reception was walking up to the bar and seeing our church deacon with a big tray of drinks in front of him.  I asked him what he was getting and he looked down at the tray.  I proceeded to ask if he was getting the table glasses of white wine to which he replied, “these are shots”.  After 2 minutes of me calling his bull shit, he arrived back at our table with a round of shots for everyone. 

I will gladly admit that I didn’t get the shot train moving, an ordained chuch member did, but I wasn’t about to let the shot train slow down.  After a few more, the reception was winding down, I hit the jackpot when I mentioned the words “piano bar”.  Apparently the words “piano bar” make tipsy women (my wife included) want to continue drinking to the wee hours of the morning.  I had no idea.   So it was on like donkey kong.  At 11:30 our entire table (minus the priest) ditched the reception and headed down to a piano bar.  I believe our group would have likely been voted “table least likely to continue the party after the reception” if there was such a thing. 

We settled in at the piano bar and appetizers and shots started coming.  We must have crossed someone’s drunk threshold because that is when the guard was dropped.  TMI was the general theme from that point on in the evening, and I could only sit back listening to the train wrecks unfold and reminding myself to just shut up and listen as each was served up with an audible gasp that could be heard after each bomb was dropped.  The bottom fell out when after offering a couple a ride home that had way too much to drink, I was offered a “fattie blunt” as a thank you. Not quite what I had in mind going into the evening. 

Oriental women think I am a movie star.  I don’t know why, because I wasn’t even going to write it down for fear of backlash since I look in now way like a movie star.  Prior to the wedding, my wife wanted to get a manicure and a pedicure.  So I dropped her off.  When I came back to get her I went in and talked to her a few moments when I discovered that she would still be another 30 minutes. I was wearing a pretty sharp dress suit, but nothing fancy beyond that.  I left again to return a half hour later.  As we drove away, my wife told me that the women running the salon wanted to know what I do.  When she asked why, they proceeded to ask if I was a “movie star” to which she said she couldn’t stop laughing for five minutes. 

Staying on the church theme, I had one of the more unusual things happen during Mass yeaterday.  As my wife and I were standing in the back one of the ushers that we knew walked over to us and shook my hand and proceeded to make two fast kiss noises as he moved in on my wife to give her a hug as to say “I’m coming in for a kiss.”  It was the most inappropriate move ever played in a church and had we been outside of the church I would have followed it up with a verbal barrage of “what the hell was that” directly to the kisser.  I am not normally a direct conflict type of guy, but he was way out of line since he left my wife feeling very uncomfortable.  To prevent burning any bridges, I am going to forget that it ever happened unless I am witness to a second occurence in which I am sure God will forgive me for threatening him bodily harm if he ever attempts to lay his lips on my wife again.   As a sidenote, my wife is free to let whatever guy friends she has to kiss her on the cheek.  I kiss wives and girlfriends of my close friends on the cheek.  But I would never do something so bold with a woman I know only through church.  Freak. 

After church we thought it would be a nice day to go pick pumpkins at Goeberts Farm, and I’ll have to dig into that one later since that is a long one in itself and I am out of time.

Filed under: Church, bitchy, creepy, drunk, weekend, weird, wife

hodgepodge

1.  Yesterday was my beautiful bride’s birthday.  I had been planning a surprise party for her at Ravinia for over 6 months, and it went better than I could have even written it.  At nearly 2pm in the afternoon the following day I think if I blew into a breathalyzer I would still be above the legal limit to drive.  I’m glad I didn’t have to last night nor this morning.  Happy Birthday Jeanne, and thanks to all of our friends that came out and helped celebrate a wonderful day. 

2. UB40 performed at Ravinia last night. They need to bring the original lead singer back. 

3. Fantasy sports season has begun. I am two drafts into a 6 draft season.  My wife has already prepared to revisit her NFL Widow status.  That and the fact that the Cubs could go all the way this year, should make weekend sports through October pretty exciting. 

4.  My first stint as a clown came and went last weekend.  I could write a whole page on interesting things that happened to me as a clown, but I am on the borderline of enjoying what I did and in order to avoid possibly coming to the realization that maybe I should continue clowning, I will deny that I ever did it so that I may forget. 

(On an interesting sidenote, when dressing up and wearing makeup as a clown, it would be a good idea to make sure that you fill your gas tank the night before the event instead of having to stand amongst people giving you strange looks as you pump fuel into your car)

(On another interesting sidenote, if I were going to be a clown on a regular basis, I would have to have tinted windows while I drive to and from events)

(On one final interesting sidenote, It’s funny shit to see someone in front of you at a stop sign look up into the rear view mirror and do a double take as they see the clown in the car following them) 

This morning on the way to work, my wife and are are somewhat relieved that Summer is finally ending.  This one all around has been hectic and full of chaos and travel.  It will be nice to get back to a consistent schedule and relax a bit.  There are still a few crazy things going on that I will have to go into at a later time, but things are definitely calming down.

Filed under: Birthday, balloon, drunk, stupid, train wreck, unmotivated, weekend, weird, wife

Soreness

It’s been almost two full days since we did the Chicago Indoor Racing, and I am sad to admit that I am still sore.  Muscles that I never knew existed are convulsing today.  Did you know that you have a muscle in your stomach below your belly button?  I didn’t, but thanks to Chicago Indoor Racing, I do now! 

For the record, it was a blast.  I just wish that I hadn’t drank so much the night before so that I could have enjoyed the two hours of open bar after the racing.

Out of twenty racers, I qualified for the final 30 lap race and eventually finished 5th.  For a fat guy, that isn’t so bad.  The carts are fast as shit and if I could ever be organized enough to round up 20 friends for a night of fun, it would definitely begin with Chicago Indoor Racing.  What amazes me the most is the technology involved.  You would expect simple go-kart racing that you would get at any old festival or race track.  But these machines are so fine tuned and fast.  While you are not racing you can track what friend is in what cart and their position and how many seconds they are ahead or behind. (runon? Who cares) The coolest part of the whole evening was before I even got out of the racing suit and upstairs to grab my first beer, I was handed a printout that showed my lap splits for all four of my races which highlighted my fastest lap and average lap time.  It also created charts as to what position I began the race vs where I finished, highlighting who I past, or who past me.  Some of our guys had top lap times for the week amongst all racers, which was pretty damn cool. 

After racing we had some incredible food, good drinks, and finished it off with free video games.  I don’t know how much it was per person, but I have to believe that we were around 100.00 per person.  If so, it was so worth it since our team still can’t stop talking about it.  If you ever get a chance to strap yourself in to one of the carts, I recommend it. 

The funniest part of the evening is when you finally decide to leave.  As you walk through the glass door you notice a sign that says “The racing’s now over, be safe as you drive home.” or something to that effect.  I didn’t think about it until I was in my car driving and I had to hold back from cutting corners and swerving around people to get position for the next corner.  

I am looking forward to my next visit. 

After a softball game Monday night, Racing on Tuesday, and another Softball game last night, I am waking like an 80 year old man hoping that it will eventually recover for one of my favorite golf outings of the year tomorrow.

I get to join my dear friend www.stupidtom.com tomorrow for a day of debauchery on the golf course.  My only issue is that I was buttonhooked into twisting balloons at the church ice cream social following the outing, so I have to lay off the hard stuff while I golf.  BoOOOooo.  This outing is traditionally a drunk sprint and I have to wonder how much fun I will have while sipping on a can of beer the whole afternoon.  Oh well.  I can’t recall the exact saying but i’m thinking that a sober day at the golf course beats a drunk day at work…or something like that. 

Filed under: Car, Fatty, Racing, alli, balloon, beer, body, drunk, pain, sore, weird, work

Gots no time

That’s my overall theme lately.  This past weekend was as big a trainwreck as ever experienced.  I can’t go too much into it, but it did involve open bar/friends wedding.  Some scary shit took place that I regret, and I have created a rule for myself where if I have access to open bar that I will only truly enjoy it if my wife is present to take care of me.  I never liked my liver anyway. 

I scared the crap out of my wife.  There is something about me vomiting in the shower after a night of drinking that she doesn’t agree with so much.  You know how I know I scared the bejeezus out of my wife?  She didn’t talk to me yesterday.  At all.  I sat in a vegatative state trying to recover and prep for Wednesday, and she never said anything to me about what took place the night before. 

Tomorrow is the big day.  I will be performing in front of a total of between 1800-2000 throughout three different performances.  If I don’t screw up and get arrested by the Vernon Hills Police Dept for sucking (they are the ones who hired me) then I have one final performance on Thursday morning.  This date has been looming over my head for the past 5 months.  Every time I have thought about it since they hired me, I would get knots and butterflies in my stomach.  I will truly celebrate (not like this weekend, but emotionally) come Thursday afternoon.  

Wish me luck!  Kill em tiger!  Break a leg!  Whatever they say.  Hopefully tomorrow afternoon I will be able to say that it went as well as I have dreamed.  I will post some pictures after it’s done of my handiwork with balloons. 

 

Filed under: Captain, Cops, balloon, beer, drunk, scared, shower, stupid, train wreck, vomit, weekend, weird, wife, work

Vegas Finale

I need to wrap up some of my final stories before they escape my head, and unfortunately since it has come down to a Friday post, they are going to be abbreviated so that this one doesn’t go on for 2000 words. 

Porn Slappers-  If you haven’t been to Vegas, you don’t know what I am talking about.  If you have been, then you probably feel the same way I do about all of the illegal immigrants doing their best three slap to get a picture of a girl that is dying to keep you company for the evening for only 500/hr.  I want to go so many directions with this, but nay time. 

I don’t usually feel the want to get inside an organization to see what it is like, but for some reason, I would love to see a Porn Slapper Org chart.  You know, somewhere there is a high roller kingpin who runs all of this, and it would be interesting to meet the many levels of illegal douche in between.  How does one get promoted to the next level.  Is it dependent upon success?  Success can only be achieved by the amount of cards you get into the hands of passerbys.  To do this, one must achieve the unreal “four slap” which in itself could possibly cause injury.  The “three slap” is very rare, but to hit the “four slap” and you have to automatically move from being a porn slapper to one who bikes food and replacement porn cards.  Lately slapping is less found and has been replaced with the less noisy nail flick. It’s easy to see who are “old school” by those who stick to the slap vs. the flick.  I would never take the porn from a “flicker”. 

Vegas for March Madness

It was cool. It wasn’t quite as cool as what everyone describes.  The only difference between Vegas for March Madness and any non March weekend is that you don’t have to wait in line at the sportsbook to place bets and they aren’t full of fat guys with the random girlfriend sprinkled in who you know would rather be a sun burst covered woman on one of the porn cards than sitting in the sportsbook watching basketball game after basketball game with her husband/boyfriend.  The only good thing about being in Vegas during March is the weather.  It was right at 80 degrees every single day, which is perfect for walking around and enjoying the pool. 

Chicago Cub Gamblers

I am a huge Cub fan.  The Cubs were in Vegas for their final two Spring Training games.  While eating in a Restaurant at the MGM on Thursday night, Schief said “It’s Carlos Zambrano.”  Schief and I have a history of saying, “Hey it’s Michael Bolton” upon seing a balding man with a mullet when in fact it really isn’t Michael Bolton.  So, when he said “It’s Carlos Zambrano” I turned around and saw someone that looked like Zambrano.  After doing a doubletake, it really was Z.  He went over and talked to a table of two guys that we assumed in the MLB jackets to be umpires.  After we left and were heading back to the hotel room, we walked past Alfonso Soriano.  By the time we made it back down to the tables to play, Soriano was sitting at a Blackjack table with Henry Blanco.  Then Therio and Lieber came down.  The next day we bumped into Aramis Ramirez and Felix Pie.  In my drunken stupor I did not approach them as my friends had since I was certifiably retarted.  All I will say is that I wasn’t surprised to see them lose their Friday grame 2-10 based on the hour at which many were still in the casino.  If I had any money on the game, I would have likely begged them to go to bed and prepare for the game the next day. 

White Pride at the MGM Pool

There was a guy at the MGM pool that had “White Pride” Tatooed to his stomach. I swear to God.  I don’t need to add anything to this story. 

MGM Pool Rules Outsmarted

The MGM doesn’t allow you to bring in your own beer.  Somehow the first day we got a case in and pissed some people off because within a few hours of getting our first case in the pool, they were checking all bags and denied our second case when we finished off the first one.  So, the next day Schief conceived a plan.  When we would go through the security checkpoint, the one lady checking coolers would pull you aside and look to see if you have any alcohol in your cooler.  We filled a cooler with Ice and bottled water.  My friend B. led the way with the cooler full of water.  Two of us filled plastic bags with cases of beer and draped towels over them to make it appear that we were only carrying bags in.  As we approached the security lady, she bit and pulled B. aside to check his cooler while the other two of us whisked on by with our grocery bags full of beer.  It was truly a perfectly executed plan and the fact that we had to create a scheme to beat the system is sad in itself.  Hey, if they didn’t charge 7.00 per beer at the pool, it wouldn’t have even been an issue.  When you are putting back 10-15 beers at the pool, a buck a beer is a lot better than 7.00. 

Dried Squid

For the record this is not the same brand that Ben bought while in Vegas, but it looks similar to the bag that he opened in our hotel room.  Upon opening it, it smelled like someone had just killed 1 million squid in our room.  The smell actually took on the form of sound and I heard the dried squid moaning as the stench oozed out of the bag.  It truly smelled like a bag of asses.  Ben tried to eat one and couldn’t do it.  He threw it in our garbage can, and we immediatly asked him to put it in the garbage by the elevator.  If you ever have the itch to snack on something and see the dried squid hanging nicely next to the beef jerkey as it did in Vegas, go for the Jerky. 

I still want to hit on the topic of Bottle Service at Body English and Pai Gow Poker, but have gone way too long.  I will try and wrap this up this weekend. 

Happy Friday and have a great weekend!

Filed under: Cubs, bachelor party, bag of asses, beer, drunk, fish, smelly, stink

Hooters Casino and the best man proposal

I am still tired.  I seriously didn’t realize how bad I fucked up my system out there.  It’s amazing how sleeping from 2pm until 8pm and then staying up at all hours drinking and partying will really throw your mind and body out of whack.  I can’t remember a time when I struggled to stay awake at work. 

Upon arrival in Vegas my best friend Schief and I headed to the Casino that we would call home for the next four nights.  The cool thing that I didn’t know was that the MGM Grand actually has a check in counter at the airport, so before we even picked up our checked luggage, we already had our room keys and shuttle tickets. 

We arrived at the MGM at 10:30am and found out that we are unable to get into our room.  We had our bags sent in and decided it was time to drink.  We headed across the street to Hooters Casino to have lunch and beer.  The Hooters casino is everything you would imagine that a Hooters casino would be.  Almost every single woman is wearing a Hooters outfit.  The dealers, the cocktail waitresses, the restaurant staff, the shop workers, every one.  I have to assume that there is a huge benefit knowing that if Larissa the waitress in the restaurant were to slip on a pickle, that Michelle the cocktail waitress can fill in without having to change a single article of clothing.  I doubt any other resort on the Vegas strip has this sort of uniform efficency. 

We settled in the back of the resort at the Hooters restaurant and ordered.   Wings and pitchers of beer, were our choice of Hooters food.  We saw a table of business people ordering sandwiches and were shocked to see that Hooters even offered anything in a bun.  Within two sips of our pitcher, Schief asked me the question. 

“Since it was over wings and beer that you asked me to be your best man six years ago, I find it only fitting that I do the same.  Will you be the best man for my wedding?” 

With that it was done.  I immediately said yes, and the sappy akward moment passed.  I told him that I would be honored and was very excited.  I immediately also told him that unlike his best man speech performance at my wedding, I would not be singing as he did.  (For the record, he did a Karaoke compilation of around 8 different song genres from rap to country that all contained the word love in it.)  It was hands down possibly the best best man speech in the history of weddings.  Since his wedding will be ultra black tie, I will likely keep mine on the classy side, although I do have over a year to come up with something unusual.  I may even incorporate balloon twisting into the speech somehow since he thinks it’s embarrasing that I twist balloons. 

After wings and two pitchers of beer, I was already severely buzzed and it was time to head back to the MGM.  For the record I would just like to say that the people at the Hooters Casino are exactly as you would imagine.  It was mostly dudes with their beer bellies that just can’t get enough of boobies, hotwings, and beer.  Trailer park bordering on upper class nascar is a good description.  The highlight of classiness was watching a couple who had just gotten married still in their Tux and wedding gown with the groom wearing a Nascar hat waiting in the long line to get into the restaurant while the newly married wife held a leash that ran down to a 4 or 5 year old boy. (belive me, that sentence is much better as a runon.) The newly married wife had the leash in one hand and a bucket used for coins/slot machines in the other.  I wish I could have taken a picture.  Instead I have a mental image that will make me giggle for a long time. 

We headed back to MGM to check into our room and to jump into our bathing suits and head down to the pool.  The bachelor party has begun, even if it has begun for just the two of us sans bachelor. 

Filed under: Schief, bachelor party, beer, drunk, trailer

Yawn

That pretty much sums up my mood right now.  I am back at my desk.  I am back in the suburbs of Chicago.  Back from the craziness of Las Vegas.  Back from 80 degree warmth.  Back from a lazy river pool that allowed me to get a nice little pre summer tan going.  Back from the place where boobies randomly pop out for no reason other than pure lack of judgement in regards to the amount of material that is needed to secure said boobies.  Back from Vegas. 

I want to go back. 

I missed my wife though. 

I will dedicate a couple of posts over the coming week towards the debauchery that took place on our trip.  I am proud to say that for the 9th time I have gone, I still have not visited a Strip Club in Vegas.  I am a Vegas Strip Club Virgin. 

I won money.  I brought back more than I took, and when you consider how expensive it is out there, that is a big win.  I played table games around 8-12 hours a day.  We did Bottle Service at a club called Body English.  I will discuss that further as well, and back it up with non incriminating photos of the craziness.  (It was a bachelor party after all)  I was in one of the 7 different pools every single day for at least 3 hours.  I managed to get officially drunk 4 different times in a 36 hour period without even getting an hour of sleep.  I bumped into team mates of my favorite baseball team, the Chicago Cubs.  If I had to describe my trip in two words or less it would be: Rock Star. 

So, here I sit at my desk today, nodding off over and over again due to the fact that about right now, in Vegas I would be heading back to my room from the pool for my 3 hour nap in anticipation of doing it all over again this evening. 

I love Vegas.  I’m going back in another 43 days.  I can’t wait. 

Interesting things that occured while in Vegas that I will try and hit on as the week progresses:

Hooters Casino and The Best Man Proposal

Vegas for March Madness

Porn Slappers

Chicago Cub Gamblers

White Pride at the MGM Pool

Sweaty Dennis and the windy boob

MGM Pool Rules Outsmarted

Pai Gow Poker

Dried Squid

Bottle Service at Body English

Filed under: Captain, Cubs, bachelor party, drunk, stripper, train wreck, wife