All over the road

A Happy Belated Fathers Day to all dad’s out there.  I called my dad, got voicemail, left a message and that was that.  I’m not very close with my father, and I have learned that it’s not really my fault, so I am fine with that.  The only real thing we have in common is a gene that makes us both addicted to fishing, and we make amazing fishing partners, and that’s about it.  I love the guy to death, but we have nothing else in common.  My father doesn’t know it, but he taught me probably the greatest lesson any father can teach their son, and that’s what not to do when I myself am a father.  To celebrate fathers day, I was able to plant my ass on my couch at 10:00pm last night and watched There Will Be Blood.  Not knowing much about it, I would have to say that Daniel Day Lewis portrays a father that closely resembles my father in many ways.  I highly recommend the movie.  I am a huge fan. 

In other weekend news, Directv decided to torture me by offering every single movie channel for free.  I would image this would be good for dads that want to spiderhole themselves in a basement recliner for the entire weekend, but for me it just reminds me of what I am missing on a regular basis as well as the fact that it’s not really my decision to not have all the movie channels. 

Friday night I realized that I am 31 going on 12 when at 10:55pm at Great America, my friend and I actually starting running as fast as we could to try and get in line for the final rollercoaster that we absolutely had to ride before they cut off the line for the 11:00 closing time.  After running harder than I had in a very long time, we arrive at the roller coaster only to be denied by two girls that might have been 19.  I don’t know whether I was more embarrased at the fact that I was weezing from running so hard for a roller coaster, or the fact that two girls just told me no four times overcoming each of my objections with a response of “thanks for coming to great america”.  I assume that was one of the first training classes they had to go through when working there.  It might have been titled “How to tell a fat overweight old guy, who will not accept no, that it’s time to go home.” 

If my summer wasn’t absolutely busy enough, I had the genius idea yesterday during our trip to home depot to start a garden on my balcony.  This has trainwreck written all over it.   I like tomatoes and our balcony is all of 10ft by 6ft, adorned with a grill and new table set with chairs and umbrella.  I am going to attempt to grow 8 tomato, 2 jalapeno, 18 cucumber, 36 radish (don’t ask) , 6 onion, and 12 cilantro plants.  Do you see a theme here?  I am thinking that I will be able to produce no less than 12 gallons of salsa from my fancy little garden.  I anticipate that I may need to move my operations under my balcony due to space.  What’s funny about that is my association allows nothing to be grown anywhere that’s not planted by the landscapers so I will harvest my garden under the balcony late at night under the cover of darkness as if I was involved in an illegal marijuana operation.  My balcony is surrounded by large bushes, so I have already plotted out a way through the bushes to begin my evil plot to produce healthy veggies. 

 

 

Filed under: Fatty, Gardeny goodness, Overcommitment, dad, stupid, train wreck, weekend, wife

Owie

Last night kicked off my softball season and I am happy to say that I played well.  Unfortunately, while trying to stretch a stand up double into a triple, I was ordered to slide and I have easily the biggest most painful patch of bloody skin that I have ever had.  I debated with myself for 2 minutes about taking a snapshot of my slide wound, but decided against it.   Click here and some of the images on this page are pretty close to what I am suffering through at this moment.  I have never had to wrap gauze around my leg to cover the wound area and prevent blood from soaking through my dress pants, but that is where I am at today. 

In another interesting weekend story, I was at my Grandparents on my father’s side when a bomb was dropped on me and my wife.  In phone conversations with my father, he had previously inquired about how life is treating me and I answered his question as I answer that question when anyone asks: “Busy”  Upon explanation as to how busy things have been, apparently my father raised judgment that he decided to share with everyone in my family except me. 

Apparently my father is spreading a rumor with all of my aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents that I am neglecting my marriage. 

While in the car on the way to the hotel, my wife and I were surprised when we shared the news that grandma had told each of us seperately that my father believes that I am neglecting her (my wife).  I didn’t think too much about it at the time, but after my wife told me that another family member told her as well, I began to get pretty angry about this stupid rumor. 

This is coming from my father.  If you know me, you have a slight idea how funny that statement is.  If you do not, let me educate you on how much of a joke this is coming from this man.

(note: I do love my father, and we currently have a great relationship after many many years of hate)

What’s funny about my father accusing me of neglect is that he is the man who:

1.  Would drive by all of my T-ball games honking and waving when I was six on his way to one of his 5 nights a week bowling leauges to maintain his membership within club alchy. 

2.  Never once, in my 11 years of playing football did he ever attend a single game.

3. Never attended a single sporting activity, or public speaking competition regardless of being selected as “All State” on two occasions.

4.  Would brag to me on the phone about the son of the woman he was living with and how they just got back from the gym working out together since that kid had just made the varsity football team as a sophomore in high school.  (Said kid is in prison as we speak)

(Wow, I think I should still see a therapist for some unresolved issues that I still have banging around my brain) 

Don’t get me wrong, but this appears to me that the armadillo is telling the turtle that he has too hard a shell.   

My wife laughed pretty hard at the thought of neglect since she is as busy if not more busier than I.  When sharing this news with my mother the following day (they have been divorced since I was six) she blew her top laughing since she saw the irony in his statements as well.   

Before any of you even think that he is sharing concern to make up for his life of regret and hoping that I don’t make the same decisions in life that he made, I say bullshit.  This is still the same man that is retired from the military for almost 10 years now, but chooses to live 1400 miles away from the rest of his family in a trailer park occupied by many illegal aliens, drawing retirement benefits/unemployment continually neglecting the needs of time spent with family even though the only thing keeping him from seeing us on a regular basis is the fact that it’s warmer in Georgia. 

Great stuff, Dad…well played.

 

Filed under: bitchy, dad, grouchy, memories, mobile home, pain, stupid, trailer, train wreck, weekend, weird, wife

Hiroshima

 

Yesterday I wrote about the bomb that my grandparents dropped on me and my wife on Saturday.  Let me fill you in.

On Saturday my wife and I headed down to visit with my family.  I semi-grew up in a small town in Central Illinois called Pekin.  I had a childhood there and then left only to come back my sophomore year of high school to complete the deed.  I was not a fan of the town since it was very segregated and biased.  My mother still lives there.  My Grandfather still lives there.  My other set of Grandparents still live outside of Pekin near a very small town called Delavan.  Delavan is where my mother and father went to high school and met.  Delavan is esentially, according to me, the origination of my family even though we did come from overseas.  I digress. 

So, we drove down to visit with family even though the only family member that confirmed acknowledgment that we were coming down was my Grandparents on my fathers side.  They are the foundation of our family having been the only family member on my fathers side that have not divorced.  I can also say that they are the only “normal” people in my family that has not had some sort of weirdness go on in their life.  My wife and I look to them for guidance since we like to consider ourselves similar foundation amongst the crumbling sandstone that is my family.  As we arrived in Delavan we met up at my Grandparents in their lakehouse.  We decided that we would go into town and eat at our normal spot called JD’s on the levee.  Good food for damn cheap.  After lunch we were driving back to the house in my grandparents Caddy (they have always driven a caddy since I have been alive).  As we approached a cemetery near the turn to go to their house, I asked a stupid question.  “Do we have any family buried in that cemetery?” 

My Grandmothers response, “yes your great grand parents are there, several great aunts and uncles are there, and we will be buried there as well.” 

WHAT?  At that moment my grandfather turned in to show us what she was talking about.  We drove around the very small cemetery that was basically a designated half acre of burial plots amongst the cornfields shaded by 10-20 large oak trees.  The dates on the headstones went back to the late 1800’s and it was obvious that this was one of the originial cemeteries in Delavan, Illinois.  

We drove up and Grandma pointed over to a headstone that adorned our last name.  We got out of the car and walked over and i’ll be damned if it didn’t already have my grandmother and grandfathers name on the headstone as if they were already dead.  Under their name showed their birthdates then a dash with no date filled in where it will be when they leave the earth.  It was beyond a shadow of a doubt the most beautiful headstone in all of the cemetery and it had a scripture reading typed out on the front as well as two wedding bands interlocked with my grandparents wedding date.  On the back it listed all of my aunts and uncles. 

So, I have never seen a tombstone for someone that is still alive. Weird with a side order of creepy is the only way I can say it.  I had questions that I was afraid to ask them directly that my wife and I discussed on our adventures the rest of the afternoon. 

Why?  We think that they either:

a.  they are so selfless that they do not want to burden any of their children with having to purchase plots for burial and then decide what to put on a headstone.

b. they don’t trust my aunts and uncles since the majority of them want to be cremated.  One of my aunts was already cremated and I know 3 other that want to be cremated.  So, if they had any concern that they would end up cremated they would not hesitate for a moment in wrapping up pre funeral arrangements. 

c.  There is one fine pre funeral arrangments salesperson in Delavan, Illinois. 

I go with option C sprinkled in with a little of A. 

I would just find it unusual to be standing up, as my grandfater was, smokin a cigarette roughly 6 feet above the spot that his body will rest for eternity. 

The rest of the day was filled with downright retartedness.  Since no one in my family know how to answer a phone or return a message, my wife and I drove around for 3 hours trying to find family.  No one was home, no one would answer the phone, and no one would return any of our messages.  So, we drove 4 hours to see one set of grandparents, which in itself isn’t a bad way to spend time. 

We were able to salvage the trip by picking up dinner on the way back home and swinging through and seeing my brother’s family.  I would argue with anyone on this matter, but I have the most adorable nieces and nephews.  It was wonderful seeing them.  I just wish my brother would teach them to not be so dirty, but that is children I guess.  

More on my bro’s family later.  Enjoy your Tuesday.  Balloon Twisting for me this evening at Red Robin in Algonquin.  Tomorrow is International Balloons Around the World day.

www.balloonsaroundtheworld.com

I will be doing my part by collecting donations for the Children’s Memorial Hospital.  Check out the site and click on Participating Artists and Locations.  You can scroll down and see me under Illinois.  I will be contributing all the tips and donations tonight to the Children’s Memorial Hospital. 

If you happen to see a balloon twister tomorrow wherever you are, see if they are twisting for this event and donate if you can for whatever their named philanthropy.   

Filed under: balloon, confused, dad, scared, weird, wife

Creepy Wednesday

 

This morning I was put in my place by all my bitchness the last two days.  I also said something last night that signifies that I am the adult I feared I would be as a child. 

This morning at 4:00am I was pushed and slapped by my wife in my sleep.  This was by far the most physical abuse in our 4 year marriage to date.  The funny part is that my wife is just a little fella, and her slapping me and pushing me as I slept barely woke me.  I asked why she did it and she said I was screaming like I was a ghost and then it turned into shrieks as if I was being murdered.  I was thankful that she woke me because I had the creepiest scariest nightmare to date and it immediately should become a scene in either a horror film or a haunted house.  I don’t know, but I had a hard time going back to sleep. I told my wife about it and she said that she was so creeped out that she couldn’t go back to bed as well.  I typically don’t put too much stock in my nightmares, nor do I ever write about them, but I must this time, because I am curious to find out if anybody has one of the books that can decipher what the hell is going on in my brain. 

Here is the basic story minus some of the minor details. 

I have a child. (which I really don’t)  The child is african american (I am caucasion) and he has hurt himself.  I think it was scrapped up knees or something minor like that.  It is late at night and I put the child into the bathtub to soak the wound and tend to the child.  I needed to get some band aids and medical things so I leave the bathroom to go the other side of the house to get the supplies.  I start walking back to the bathroom and see that the door is closed.  I didn’t close the door on my way out.  I start to walk to the bathroom and quickly open the door and the lights are out and the shower curtain is now closed.  I flip the light switch on and I see at the edge of the partially closed shower curtain a full sized grown man sitting in the bath with red everywhere. 

I guess that is when I started screaming like a girl or something. 

Freaky shit. 

I have never been a believer of dream books because I think anyone can sit down and write about what they belive each part of a dream means.  I could do it myself. 

You had a dream about monkeys?  That means that you are struggling with work and feel that you are attempting to climb up an unclimbable tree. 

You were running in your dream?  That means you are scared to face something in your life. 

See?  I think that those books are as reliable as putting faith in horoscope readings.  My horoscope reading today is: Apply your newest ideas to your life today. You can serve as a powerful example.
That sounds like a fortune cookie.  And someone gets paid to come up with this shit. 

So, if you think you know anything about dreams, give it a shot.  I am all ears.  My wife immediately asked me if I was traumatized in the shower ever.  I immediately explained about all the times my brother and father would scare the shit out of me by sneaking up to me in the shower as a kid.  It then dawned on me how bad I should feel for having done that to Jeanne several times in our old house.   Shame on me.  There is nothing like scaring someone but I shouldn’t thrust my fears upon others. 

I also managed to say something to my niece via email that made me feel very old.  I have a myspace account and each and every day I wonder why more and more.  See this story and you will understand why I will never allow a family member under my control to ever use this website.  http://www.thekansascitychannel.com/news/13789708/detail.html?rss=kc1&psp=news

This is just one of the thousands of stories that come off of myspace about horrific people doing things to users of this site.  I personally believe myspace is the breeding ground of the worst our human race has to offer.  Anyway, my niece who has a myspace page emailed me and asked me to put a real picture of myself on myspace vs using the balloon photo that I use as my picture.  I use a spider man balloon photo and I would have to say that the picture is pretty BA (bad ass) but apparently my niece is probably tired of explaining to friends why she has a latex balloon superhero on her buddy list. 

So, I emailed her last night and said that I would not be putting a regular photo of myself up and that I would be happy to email her a digital photo of me if she wants one.  I went on to say that “I am not a fan of the site and that she would understand when she gets older.”  That is the first time I have ever said those words and it really made me feel old.  Do I like that my niece uses Myspace?  No.  But the sad thing is that my sister in law (her mother for you slow folk) has her own page and I have been saddened to read some of the risque messages from strange men to my sister in law when she is married to my brother.  I can say that there has not been a superior example set forth from my niece and it is not my place to explain to her that sick people use that site to meet little girls.  So, I feel old.  Whatever.  This last few paragraphs have managed to put me back in my 3 day now bad mood hangover so I am going to go back to work and hope that eventually the grumpy fog lifts before this weekend.  Big weekend ahead and I can’t wait.  Drinking is in my future. 

Happy hump day. 

Funny story later about my cubicle mate and how much he loves the Notre Dame fight song. 

Filed under: Blood, In laws, body, confused, coworker, dad, grouchy, mad cow, mean, scared, shower, sleepy, weird, wife, work

Under pressure

I posted earlier this week as to what is going on, so hopefully you all will understand about no posting. 

So, last weekend was a blast.  For once I had a visit with my family that went off without any back woods red neck issues.  Last Saturday I fished from 5:00am until 3:00pm and proceeded to fry all the flesh off of my shoulders, neck and head.  Saturday night I met up with an old best friend from Central Illinois to watch his band perform www.rededmund.com and they were very good.  I was pretty impressed at how well they sounded.  It was nice just to see an old friend.  He didn’t even know I was coming, it was purely by surprise.  I even hid on one side of the bar and asked the waitress to send a beer to his table and say that it was from a guy at the other end of the bar who thought he was “cute”.  She came back and told me that he said I should give him a call at “867-5309″ without even seeing me.   Good stuff.  After many beers, a LaBambas visit and a 30 minute spooky ass backwoods drive back to my grandparents on the lake I arrived at 3:00am.  Can’t say I have ever tip-toed into my grandparents large house before. 

I was woken up Sunday morning at 5:30am by my Dad poking me in the stomach trying to wake me like a little kid on Christmas morning.  He wanted to go fish and I am his fishing buddy.  Forget the fact that I only had 2 hours of sleep, he needed to fish.  So I proceeded to scorch the scorched skin from the day before, but this time I wore lots of clothing.  Ended up catching a total of 45 bass in the two days in the boat.  Biggest weighed in at 4 lbs.  Not a bad outing. 

Highlight of the weekend though was taking my Grandfather on my mothers side out to Pizza with my Mom and Aunt.  I have always remembered my aunt Nancy to be a very unhappy woman. (long story about losing my closes cousin in a housefire) I will tell that one later, but she was incredibly fun to be around.  I can’t honestly say that I usually walk away from spending time with my family wishing to see them again in the future, but this time was just a perfect storm. 

The funniest part of the Fathers day was walking next to the Pizza place to the fresh produce stand and recognizing one of my X-aunts on my fathers side of the family.  She was married to my uncle David (fathers brother) and they divorced many years ago.  I hadn’t seen her since I was probably 8 or 9.  She couldn’t believe that it was me.  She looked like shit.  I heard that she was into Meth and heavy duty drugs and it definitely showed.  She is 10 years younger than my mother but she looks 20 years older.  It was nice to see her although the prospect of having 5 lbs of garden fresh tomatoes, corn, and watermelon was more exciting to me than the encounter. 

This week has been a blur.  Funny things have happened here and there.  I either need to start carrying around a notepad or call my voicemail and leave a message about the funny stuff.  I wanted to talk about the aisle at Walmart on Fathers Day in Pekin, Illinois.  I don’t really have to say too much other than that they should hire a banjo player or maybe dueling banjo’s for that aisle.  I have decided that I will never again attempt to purchase a card for a holiday on the day of the holiday from a central Illinois Walmart.  I wish I would have had a camera. 

Tomorrow is the day of balloons.  I have many events and will attempt my longest day of twisting ever.  www.misterd.balloonhq.com

See you on Monday! 

Filed under: In laws, achy, balloon, confused, dad, friend, fun, funny, grouchy, mean, sleepy, smelly, sore, stink, train wreck, weird, wife, work

Let’s end this damn saga

Today I am going to put this baby to bed.  What I thought would be a good idea in rehashing what was a root canal weekend has pretty much turned into another root canal.  Reliving in my mind what was not a great weekend has put me back in the mood that I was in each and every morning of my trip.  Nothing like starting the day off right.  I have found sanctuary in the fact that Jeanne and I will be traveling down to North Carolina for 5 days over the July 4th holiday.  My favorite thing in the entire world is to go out on the beach and watch the sunrise at around 5:30a.m.  while walking in knee deep water.  Last night I found a pretty good picture that is now gracing my dual 19″ monitors that sit before me as I type that makes me salivate for the 4th to come fast.  The picture nails the lighting off the waves that can only be captured at the time the sun rises.  Let’s get going on the finale….

IV.  Sunday 

    A.  Let’s go fishing 

I woke up Sunday morning at 4:15am to hit the road.  The drive from the hotel to my grandparents house on the lake is only 15 minutes, so I decided to swing by Walmart on my way to buy some new lures that I was sure would enhance my fishing experience.  I arrive at my grandparents at 5:00am and my father walked out to greet me as I walked into the house.  We were out on the boat by 5:45 and I had already caught 5 bass by 6:00am.  Could life get any better? 

        a.  Holy fishing Batman! 

I only had until what I thought was around noon to 1:00pm to fish, and Dad and I were doing well.  By noon I had already landed 18 bass and was pretty much ready to be done until my father took us in the boat to the other end of the lake near a beach where we stumbled upon a mega bass filled hotspot.  Over the next hour, I took in another 10 bass and was now being held hostage on the boat by my father because he didn’t want to go in since we were doing so well.  Jeanne was still at the hotel working on her Masters work as well as report cards for the end of year. 

        b.  Where are the damned Cicadas?

I was pretty upset that they hadn’t emerged yet.  Last time I was at my grandparents when the Cicadas were up, I remember catching more fish than ever.  We use the Cicadas for bait, but we did well even without the little insects. 

        c.  Dad, I hate to tell you this but you have Mad Cow disease….

While we were out on the boat, I decided to break the news to him that our bloodline is cursed and that Red Cross will not accept our Blood due to the fact that we have traces of Mad Cow disease in our blood.  http://dennismitchell.wordpress.com/2007/03/28/bad-blood/

http://dennismitchell.wordpress.com/2007/03/30/bad-blood-redux/

My father laughed.  I was borderline humored/pissed off by his response.  The first thing to come out of his mouth, “Well that explains everything….” followed by some serious laughter.  I think that I personally have said that exact same statement 100 times since learning about my long lost connection to my cattle bretheren.  I see a cow now and I can relate. 

        d. Grandpa’s secretly upset. 

After we made our way back inside and the stench of fish was upon us, I decided to sit down and chat with Grandma to confirm what my father had told me on the boat about Grandma showing some serious signs of forgetfullness and possibly signs of Alzheimers.  Grandma asked what Jeanne was up to at the hotel, and I explained that she was so happy to have me out of the hotel room so that she could get some work done.  Grandma replied that that was what she figured since Jeanne finishes her Masters in a month and the end of the schoolyear is upon us.  She said that was what she told Grandpa when he became angry at the fact that I could go fishing for half the day while I had apparently locked Jeanne in the hotel room with no lights and no television chained to the bed against her will being a very bad husband.  He didn’t say all that, but the fact that he thought me leaving her in the hotel at her request was a poor husband choice did kind of shine the light on the fact that my grandfather a. doesn’t know me well enough and b. has such an old school mentality and is still mentally stuck in 1940. 

        e. Grandma’s got alzheimers? 

As I touched upon this in the last bullet.  I had my concerns while chatting with her after fishing, but my concerns were squashed on Monday when she seemed to be back to her normal self. 

        f. Grandpa wants to sell the house? 

This is big news.  They live on around an acre on a lake and it is obviously getting too much for Grandpa to care for as he climbs to be near 80 years old.  They do not need such a large house.  The house has been in the family for 30 years and I couldn’t imagine life in the family without it.  Honestly, Jeanne and I have decided that we will buy it if they decide to sell and none of my aunts and uncles step up to buy it to keep it in the family.  This could seriously be our best shot at a vacation house on a lake.  The house would easily go for 700K to a cool million in the Chicago Suburbs because it is a large beautiful house on a lake, but down there it wouldn’t go for more than 250K.  I think we could find a way to make it happen.

    B.  This isn’t what I signed up for! 

After joining up w/Jeanne we were headed off to the family gathering that was just supposed to be me, Jeanne, mom, Shawn, Chris (older bro), Samantha (his wife), and their 5 beautiful children.  Instead it was all of us, plus Grandpa, aunt and uncle in town from texas, 17 cousins, another uncle and another aunt, my mothers fiance Kurt and his daughter, son and granddaughter.   I don’t know how the crazy math worked out, but in all there was a total of 33 people in the back yard that were all related in some sort of fashion.  Now that I think about it, as much as I rip on it, that has to have been the largest gathering of family members on that side of my family in my lifetime.  It was very reunionish, and honestly, that is not what I had signed up for that day. 

        a.  I have no desire to meet new cousins. 

I did meet a sleu of new cousins that I really was not excited about, although I should have been. 

        b. Meet Billy, your 28 year old cousin with 5 children who pretends to be adopted and not related the the white trashiness that is my family. 

Billy was funny.  We are a red neck family.  At this pseudo reunion, Billy was wearing Khaki pants, a long pressed Ralph Lauren dress shirt, brown leather belt, and brown leather dress shoes.  IT  WAS 85 DEGREES OUT AT A BACK YARD BARBEQUE.  My mom’s fiances 20 year old daughter with a tongue ring and many visible tat’s going through a divorce holding  her one year old said it best when she asked me if he was gay.    The highlight of meeting Billy was him pulling out a Macbook pro laptop at a banjo family reunion and showing pictures on the laptop.  I would bet my life savings that 90 percent of those in attendance had never seen a laptop before.  The icing on the cake was Billy pulling out his family tree software where he traced the family tree back to London.  This pissed many family members off because Grandpa had always told everyone that we had come right off the boat from Ireland.  This debate ended when Billy’s dad said I don’t know where the hell you got that info, but Grandpa would know where we come from.  I believe Billy. 

        c.  Once again, this isn’t what I or my mother/mother’s fiancee signed up for.   

Kurt, my mom’s future hubby were supposed to be at his house on the mississippi for the weekend, and instead were hosting a party.  Kurt was not happy.                                                                 

        d.  Mom has already had too much

not much to add her.  What is new.  Mom was happy by 6:00. 

        e.  Why are they sending my wife and sister in law to the store to buy my mom’s fiancee some whiskey? 

This scared me

        f.  Let’s take Shawn(little brother who was back from the Military on leave) out for drinks for the first time ever since he is now 21 so we can get away from the banjo music that is my family gathering before the whiskey is opened. 

Not much to add here.  We went down to Peoria for drinks on the Illinois River.  It was fun to have beers with my little bro for the first time. 

V.  Monday

    A.  Let’s see my little bro off to the Airport! 

        a. What’s wrong Shawn? 

They arrived at my hotel to say good bye and Shawn was in tears.  Apparently he and Mom had gotten into a fight that morning. 

        b. What’s wrong Mom? 

When seeing her Son now heading back to the military for another year crying, she too started crying and I can only describe the moment as awkward. 

        c. Why is everyone crying?  

        d.  Let’s go hang with the relatively normal side of the family.  

We went back to the Grandparents on the lake and had a nice lunch while chatting on the back deck for a few hours.  It was nice to wrap up the trip on a normal note. 

    B.  Let’s head home. 

        a.Let’s pick up my car that we left at Jeanne’s  fathers on Friday. 

When we got back into town, we swung by the father in laws to pick up my car and drive home seperately.  Jeanne apparently wanted to stay there for a while while I was anxious to get home and relax from a long crazy ass weekend. 

        b. Let’s piss off the wife. 

It became obvious to Jeanne that I wanted to leave, so she said to go ahead and go.  I didn’t think twice and hit the road.  Jeanne stayed and had dinner with her father.  I learned later that night that Jeanne was upset by my quick departure.  I remember something being said like “I visited with your crazy ass family for the whole weekend, and you can’t give my father an hour of your time?”  That is not what she said, but that is how I heard it.  Loud and clear.  She was right, and I felt bad. 

        c.  Let’s just get home and lick our wounds from this retarded weekend. 

Amen. 

Sorry for the length in this odyssey.  It was a crazy weekend that needed to be told.  Maybe we could make a made for TV drama about it.  This could have seriously been an extra 5 posts but I had to get it out before the weekend.  I think I am breaking a monster blogging rule in length, but it’s my blog, my story and my life. 

Let the weekend begin!

Filed under: Blood, In laws, achy, beer, cicada, confused, dad, excuse, fight, friend, fun, funny, grouchy, mad cow, mean, pain, scared, sleepy, smelly, sore, stink, train wreck, weird, wife

Holiday weekend debacle

I do not have time today to explain exactly what went down over this past extremely long holiday weekend.  I think I will break up the weekend over the course of this week, because seriously….it was re-damned-diculous.  Let me give you an outline for what is to come this week on the explanation of my weekend.    Too much to post at once, so I will touch on it one day at a time as it played out over Friday-Monday. 

I.  Introduction (todays post)

II. Friday  

    A.  Day off from work

        a.  Balloon Twisting for the Monsassori overprivledged

        b. Shopping/Haircut

    B.  Wedding Bells 

        a.  White Trash wedding 

        b.  What sent the Priest home early? 

        c.  What sent us home early? 

III.  Saturday 

    A.  Travel day…I thought. 

        a.  Lets clean house/cat puke/cat pee/cat poop/litterboxes/vacuum/shampoo carpet/mop/dishes/laundry/pack before we leave. 

        b.  almost die in tornado wielding storms on drive down to central Illinois. 

    B.  See family drink 

IV.  Sunday 

    A.  Let’s go fishing 

        a.  Holy fishing Batman! 

        b.  Where are the damned Cicadas?

        c.  Dad, I hate to tell you this but you have Mad Cow disease….

        d. Grandpa’s secretly upset. 

        e. Grandma’s got alheimers? 

        f. Grandpa wants to sell the house? 

    B.  This isn’t what I signed up for! 

        a.  I have no desire to meet new cousins. 

        b. Meet Billy, your 28 year old cousin with 5 children who pretends to be adopted and not related the the white trashiness that is my family. 

        c.  Once again, this isn’t what I or my mother/mother’s fiancee signed up for.                                                                  

        d.  Mom has already had too much

        e.  Why are they sending my wife and sister in law to the store to buy my mom’s fiancee some whiskey? 

        f.  Let’s take Shawn(little brother who was back from the Military on leave) out for drinks for the first time ever since he is now 21 so we can get away from the banjo music that is my family gathering before the whiskey is opened. 

V.  Monday

    A.  Let’s see my little bro off to the Airport! 

        a. What’s wrong Shawn? 

        b. What’s wrong Mom? 

        c. Why is everyone crying?  

        d.  Let’s go hang with the relatively normal side of the family.  

    B.  Let’s head home. 

        a.Let’s pick up my car that we left at your fathers on Friday. 

        b. Let’s piss off the wife. 

        c.  Let’s just get home and lick our wounds from this retarded weekend. 

VI.  Conclusion

If the outline doesn’t give you a slight glimpse into how wonderful of a weekend I had, I don’t know what would. I would equate the weekend to a big old punch in the nuts.  It hurts at first…real bad…but the lingering effects still hurt for days after. 

Filed under: Cats, In laws, Pee, achy, balloon, beer, cicada, confused, dad, excuse, fart, fight, friend, fun, funny, grouchy, mad cow, mean, poop, scared, sleepy, smelly, sore, stink, train wreck, weird, wife, work

Family fun

This weekend was full of family fun.  For Mothers day I decided to head down to central illinois to mingle with the natives.  My family never ceases to amaze me.  If it weren’t for my grandparents I would have probably convinced myself that I was truly kidnapped out of the arms of my real parents many years ago.   My life is straight out of a disney story.  I am stuck with a redneck trailer park family when I know that I should be on the phone with a loving mother and father who are happily married and have a good source of income. 

My back is murderous.  9 hours of driving my wife’s Hyundai Elantra out of a total of 30 hours.  My back is not a fan of me.  I hope it forgives me before this evenings softball game. 

The biggest highlight of the weekend was the epic balloon sword battle that I had with my neices and nephews.  At one point on Saturday evening, we had 9 children/adults engaged in battle each with multiple latex weapons.  (www.misterd.balloonhq.com) I rarely ever get to partake in the balloon battle because I am the busy balloon guy twisting away, but this time, I was able to join in on the balloon debauchery.  The coolest part of all was the fact that I could choose what weapon I wanted to dominate all of the children with.  They all thought they were cool by each having a balloon sword in each hand, but when I was done, no one could touch me.  I twisted an intricate pirate sword, shield, and a battle axe that served as my blocker/finisher.  At one point I was even using a balloon bow and arrow to shoot the children.  Definitely the most fun I have had with Balloons in a long time. 

I thought for a few moments how much fun it would be to have an adult teamed up with a child.  The adult would be a skilled balloon twister and would twist whatever midevil weaponry he would want him and his child to go to battle with.  You could make all sorts of crazy weaponry out of balloons.  It could be a blast depending on how into it you would be. 

On the family front, I met my grandparents, dad, aunts, uncles at a chinese buffet for lunch on Mothersday.  My grandmother recently had the pleasure of trying chinese food for the first time and she is hooked.  I don’t know why I find that funny, but a 76 year old woman craving Chinese makes me laugh.  I am not laughing about my stomach.  I still don’t think my body has recovered from the meal over 24 hours ago. 

On the job front, I have two things today that I am laughing about. 

1. Back in January I was a guniea pig for my company and I acquired an expert certification with one of the largest complicated manufacturers that we sell.  My group that became certified was tracked and it was shown that we had a 78% increase in the amount of sales for this particular manufacturer.  Now they are making everyone become certified.  Becoming certified was  a real pain in the ass.  If you fail the final test, you have to pay to retake it out of your own pocket.  I find joy in the fact that all the guys around me are bitching about the certification.  They ask me questions about it and I make it out to be much harder than it really is.  I have taken it to the point that they have already assumed failure.  I love my job. 

2. One of my good friends at work is livid about the fact that they hired another person with his exact same name. It isn’t even a common name.  To be honest, it is a very uncommon name.  I asked how his experience has been with another person with his exact same name, and he is ready to leave the company.  This is something right out of an episode of the office.  It is tough enough in our job to deal with all of the bull shit, but to have to deal with email that doesn’t come to you and getting email meant to go to someone else and crazy stuff like that.  I can’t blame him.  I can’t help but tell him how sorry I feel while snickering under my breath at the same time.  Doesn’t sound like such an issue, but I think I would leave if they ever hired another Dennis Scott.

Filed under: Blog, balloon, beer, body, confused, dad, excuse, fun, grouchy, mean, scared, sore, weird, wife, work

Not so finger lickin’ good

So, late last night I was faced with the scariest moment in my young married life.  At a very early hour this morning my wife had gotten out of bed to go feed our monster cats who really know how to let us know when they are hungry.  My male cat (Mr. Wesgrs…I will explain later) has trained my wife to feed him by shuffling through papers on her dresser or the floor.  He also has mastered knocking any and all cups/bottles/pictures/alarm clocks/keys/phones and all other things on the dresser to the floor.  Many a night have I been woken up by a cup full of water hitting the floor and water shooting up and getting me in the face or body.  I digress…

So, my cat was buggin Mrs. Dennis the Menace and she decided to feed them.  I am laying in bed and all of a sudden I hear screams for help.  I have never heard my wife scream for me like this before.  It was a scream for help out of a horror film.  The only problem was that I am so achy that it took me seriously 10 second to roll out of our bed, stand up and start walking.  I don’t move so quick nowadays. 

So, I finally get up and start running to the kitchen to find my wife standing over the sink with blood flowing out of her finger.  She says “I cut myself!”  I was relieved on one hand that there was not some man in our house, but on the other hand, it dawns on me that I have never seen an ounce of blood exit the body of my wife.  I honestly felt helpless.  I immediately ask if we need to go to the hospital without seeing the cut and she said yes.  An even bigger problem is that I have come to the realization that I have no clue where a hospital is in my new neck of the woods, much less the closest one for an emergency. 

By now I have identified the cut and it is on her ring finger and is still bleeding pretty badly.  Since it was cut on a can of cat food I immediately tell her to rinse the cut so that we can see how bad it is amongst the blood.  After rinsing, I see that it is not that deep, but covers a pretty large area.  There is a large flap of skin barely hanging on and covering the whole cut.  I also realized that we have nothing at home in regards to anything that would resemble a first aid kit.  My first thought was that I recently bought my first roll of duct tape and lets rap that thing up in a roll of tape!  For fear of a divorce I did not offer that solution.  So, I went down to her glove box to find a baggie with a few antique bandaids.  I also found a tube of neosporin in the bathroom and went to work.  I applied the antiseptic with a Qtip and applied the bandaid.  All better?  I wish…

It continued to bleed a little, and we went back to bed.  I had hoped to wake up to the realization that it was a dream, but that was not so.  She is a teacher and showed the wound to the school nurse this morning with the confirmation that she will definitely need stitches.  So, at some point this afternoon I will leave work and meet her to hold her hand while they do the stitches thing.   If you were curious, my wifey’s finger is the second row middle pic from above. 

What a traumatic experience.  It dawned on me this morning that in our almost seven years together, I have never experienced my wife in pain.  I didn’t know how to react.  I can’t even imagine how difficult it must be for a parent when their child is in pain.  That is some scary stuff.  My hat goes off to all mom’s and dad’s for how strong they must be. 

On a funny note, I called my grandparents yesterday morning to announce that the wifey and I would be journeying down to central Illinois next weekend for a visit during mothers day and my mothers birthday.  It was during that phone call that my grandmother said, ”I am having surgery on my knee tomorrow morning, and I just got back from picking your father up from the bus stop.”  My father lives in Southern Georgia, and apparently he is going to be in town through the middle of July.  If this little paragraph isn’t indicative of my relationship with my father, I don’t know what would be.  I joked with my wife last night in that I bet I would have not found out about my father being in town until I went down next weekend.  A phone call would have been nice.  For her surgery as well as my fathers arrival.  My family is a bunch of non phone calling  introverts?  I don’t know. 

On CNN this morning they have a story about Lindsay Lohan turning 21 on the 2nd of July and how she wants to celebrate.  She is clubbing in Vegas and having dinner with friends and family in Malibu.  She wants to milk the occassion since she will now legally be able to enter clubs.  Not that I am a fan or anything, but hasn’t this girl been clubbing since she was like 13?  I started clubbing when I was 19, and it got old by the time I was 26.  Based on that timeframe, I would assume that she has to be getting tired of the same old scene by now.  And the fact that CNN is writing about her birthday that doesn’t happen for another two months is weird. 

Filed under: Blood, Cats, achy, body, confused, dad, excuse, pain, romance, scared, sleepy, sore, weird, wife