Near death experience

This week has been a bit of a whirlwind.  Not as much of a tornado but kind of blowing in all sorts of directions. I could even compare it to the game of chutes and ladders.  Lots of highs and very quick lows. 

This week looked like it was going to be somewhat relaxing other than a church meeting last night, nothing was really on the books.  I got the call from a friend on Tuesday morning asking me to go to the Cubs game after work.  So I went.  Lot’s of highs in the game, lots of lows (when they lost in overtime) Three of us went out for dinner and drinks before the game and overall it was a great evening.  Until the drive home. 

I could venture to say that I almost died without being the tad bit over dramatic.  I didn’t get into a car accident, but came closer than I ever have in my life.  This story isn’t the same without all the emotion of my shrieking voice but i’ll give it a go. (those of you local to the Chicagoland area might be able to follow along better since you will know the roads I am talking about)

So I’m driving home from the Cubs game.  The clock on my car radio read 11:25pm.  I am on the tollway heading up 94 North having just passed 176.  It’s under construction and down to two lanes.  The right lane of the two is newly paved but on an angle to the right (wall).  The left lane is level.  Semi’s are instructed to stay in the left lane since the right lane was newly paved.  There is a semi in the left lane and a semi in the right lane.  The semi in the right lane is going a little faster than the semi in the left lane, so I speed up in the right lane to pull infront of the semi in the left lane.  As soon as I got far enough in front of the semi to my left to pass, it rev’s it’s engine in an attempt to prevent me from passing.  So, I slow down a bit and decide to wait to pass.  The semi to my left slows down a bit and there’s another chance to speed up and get in front of him, but as I speed up, so does the semi.  All the while the semi in front of me is going the same speed.  I looked up in my rear view mirror and I now have a semi right behind me as well.  I am as they say boxed in.  To my right is a rail and Concrete wall since I am effectively driving on the shoulder during construction. As we drive along and the semi to my left does everything possible to prevent me from passing him, I give up and decide i’ll just stay in my lane while keeping an eye on his massive tires all of 4 to 5 feet away from me.   All of a sudden, his bright orange right turn signal light began flashing. 

It was at this moment when I might have made some sort of noise that I have never made before.  As soon as the semi to my left’s turn signal came on, I sped up next to the cab and begun honking my horn in an attempt to get his attention.  I quickly realized that there was nowhere for me to go if he begun merging into my lane.  I still had a semi in front of me. I still had a semi right behind me, and I still had a rail on my right without a shoulder.  While keeping my eyes on his large right front wheel right next to my window, suddenly it began to get closer to me.  He was actually coming over knowing I was there.  So, I slammed on my brakes while honking and praying to God that I don’t die.  As I slam on my brakes and inch as close to the guard rail on my right as possible I hear the breaks of the semi behind me begin squealing and I leaned as far to my right and as low as possible anticpating that the merging semi’s rear trailer tires are about to drive over my car and crush me in addition to the semi behind me jack knifing and running over me as well.  I looked back to my left to see the semi continue into my lane and came within centimeters of hitting my car.  I never came to a complete stop, just slowed down as fast as possible without locking the brakes up.  

I floored the accelerator flashing my brights at the semi in front of me trying to spell “F U C K Y O U” in a headlight Morse code fashion without so much of a response.  In a regretful but neccessary moment, I began driving with my leg and pulled out the closest scrap of paper to write down his license plate number, truck ID and the phone number on the back of the semi.  It was a Fedex Truck which made filing a complain that much easier.  I felt bad for the poor girl that answered the phone at Fedex because I laid into her in between continued high pitched rants about what that Fedex truck driver had just put me through.   She asked if I wanted a call back from a safety coordinator the next day and that was a no brainer.  I still haven’t gotten that call so I will be calling again tomorrow to speak to a higher up at Fedex about this retards stunt that almost killed me. 

This is my second run in with a disgruntled  Fedex Truck driver in a little more than a month.  Due to these two morons I am effectively switching all of my freight business to UPS until the day a UPS driver finishes the job that the Fedex driver attempted this past Tuesday night.

Filed under: Cubs, Death, scared

On the ledge

That’s a pretty good phrase for my mental state right now pertaining to how I feel for the Chicago Cubs. 

I always knew that my Grandfather was a smart guy.  He is beyond a doubt one of the greatest hero’s in my life.  At the age of 85 he is still replacing roofs, building things, fishing, and doing pretty much anything he can to stay sane.  He has been widowed twice.  His first wife (my biological grandmother) commited suicide when my mother was 15, and then he remarried years later.  The grandmother that I knew growing up passed a year and a half ago, and things haven’t been the same for my grandfather since.  He relied solely on my grandmother for many things and when she passed that left a mans man trying to figure out what to do.  I don’t know why the back story is so relevant, but to know my grandfather is to know who I want to be in life although I missed out on much of the up bringing  that would team me how to replace a roof or build an addition onto a lake house. 

So, when I first came to the United states at the age of 7, I met my grandfather for the first time.  He was a huge cubs fan.  My grandmother was a die hard cubs fan.  Looking up to my grandparents so much, I immediately became a Cub fan as well.  Over the years I would grow into the Cub fan that they loved.  Until one summer when my grandfather suddenly and unexpectedly started wearing a St. Louis Cardinal hat.  It didn’t make sense since the Cardinals are like the evil arch rival of the Chicago Cubs.  I would ask what’s up with the Cardinal hat, but up until last night I realized that no matter what he said, it would sound to me like a teacher in a Charlie Brown holiday special.  I wouldn’t listen to his response, I refused to. 

“eww, boy…those cubbies will break your heart!”

I heard him say that no less than 100 times in the past 20 years.  I just thought that my grandpa was crazy.  Until last night.  For some reason I couldn’t stop hearing him say “…those cubbies will break your heart!”

I am not jumping off the Cub bandwagon.  At least yet.  But if ever Cubs fans and players ever doubted the contention that the team is cursed, the past two playoff games should give plenty of feed for the goat.  At least until the Cubs are favored again and we go down this road once more. 

My grandmother passed away a huge Cubs fan at the age of 84.  My mother in law passed away a huge Cubs fan in her late sixties.  Neither of them got to see a world series win for their beloved team.  My grandfather has witnessed 7 Cardinal World Series Victories, including the latest in 2006. 

I’ll be crossing my fingers for a miraculous comeback tomorrow night.  They aren’t out of it yet, but things are looking pretty grim.

Filed under: Cubs, Grandpa, Hero

Weekend fly by

The weekend came and went as it seems to do as I get older.  Friday night was filled with twisting balloons as usual.  Saturday, I indulged in my fantasy football addiction by driving down to Bloomington to partake in the third of five fantasy football drafts scheduled for this year.  As is a tradition when I roll through my old college town, I try and end it on a high note by picking up a LaBamba’s burrito before I hit the road, and I am thankful I did.  It’s same that something so stupid as a burrito makes me happy, but it does. 

On Sunday, we wrapped up my wife’s birthday week celebration with tickets to the Cubs game.  Some firsts happened in my life after the game, and I’m not able to speak of the events yet, but I will be able to soon.  It’s not often that I experience first times in my life for anything and when they do, I don’t really know how to react.  I wish I could elaborate more, but in a few weeks more will come out about it because lately I have been experiencing many firsts. 

I haven’t posted much on here about Facebook, but I am a big fan.  Within the past two months of being on it, I have been reunited with friends that I haven’t seen since the 6th grade.  Since I moved around a ton as a child, gaining new friends and saying goodbye to them was a common event.  Just in my sixth grade year, I managed to go to four different schools.  Even after losing touch with some of my closest friends from high school, face book has brought us together again.  It’s like a chain reaction.  One friend finds  you, and they are linked to other friends, and before you know it, you have 20-30 people that you haven’t spoken with in 15-20 years emailing you.  It’s funny to see how people have turned out over the years.  You know the story…the geek’s are now body builders…and the thin and beautiful are now fat.  It isn’t really that dramatic, but there has been a few surprises sprinkled in my reunions.  One thing I will say for sure is that based on some of my ex girlyfriends online pictures, I am thankful I jumped ship when I did.

Filed under: Cubs, balloon, face book, grouchy, mean, stupid, train wreck, weekend, weird, wife

July 22nd

I can’t really say too much about yesterday, but there are some big things going on right now in my life.  There is a lot of uncertainty surrounding my career at my current place of employment and it’s time that I make some serious decisions about my future. 

The screws of summer are loosening.  I haven’t mentioned it here, but outside of the ridiculous gas prices, the economy has seriously dealt me a blow that has set my balloon business back.  While down in Florida earlier this month, the owner of the Red Robin franchise in my area thought it would be a good idea to offset his economic woes by letting go of any and all paid entertainment, which encompasses me.  So, after three years of creating smiles on the faces of thousands of children and adults, I am no longer the Red Robin balloon guy.  For now.  If things get better in the future they may call me back, but I doubt it since by the time that happens, they will be into their sixth GM since they let me and all the other balloon twisters go.  Last night was the second Tuesday since I have been back that I didn’t have to race from my desk job to Algonquin to twist balloons, and it’s flat out weird.  This is the first set back I have experienced with my balloon business and I have begun to look at it simply as a bump in the road.  I can’t expect that it would continue to grow at the pace it had over the past three years, and the success that I have enjoyed will continue.  The hardest part about not being there every Tuesday nights isn’t even the money that was made each night, but the fact that I handed out more than 50 business cards a night.  That was fueling my referral business.  Hopefully I have enough cards out there to keep me busy until another restaurant calls. 

This summer has been absolutely crazy and I knew it would be.  This was going to be my last summer where I could just do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted, and I am happy to have made it this far.  Softball on Monday and Wednesday nights, balloon twisting on Tuesday and Friday nights, and a billiards league on Thursdays has pretty much locked up every single evening of the summer.  Not to mention the birthday parties on the weekend and the several trips we have gone on this summer and it has pretty much flown by. 

The good news is that softball is offically over both nights beginning next week.  Next weekend I head off to Michigan to go camping, and that will be the last trip planned for me not only this year but likely until mid 2009 when we celebrate my best friends bachelor party.  

So, as of August 4th, I will actually have Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday evenings back to myself.  I haven’t strategically watched television in well over 4 months other than an occasional cubs game when I am home, so I am looking forward to that, along with the NFL season on the horizon, it looks like life is beginning to settle down. 

It’s time to slow down, relax, and take some deep breaths.

Filed under: Cubs, Overcommitment, balloon, stupid, work

Arrivederci!!!

I am licking my wounds today, but I made it through yesterday.  My back is achy after driving for 6 1/2 hours on my quest around the Chicagoland area.  The good news is that the Cubs won.  Sitting in the freezing cold was tough, but worth it. 

If you didn’t know this already, consider yourself warned.  Do not ever order ball park nachos with double the jalapeno peppers the night before you have to fly.  I don’t think I need to explain the reasoning here, but it does have something to do with a certain Johnny Cash song titled with the words ‘ring’ and ‘fire’ in it.  If I didn’t know better, I would believe that maybe Mr. Cash went to a ball game and had double peppers on his Nacho’s the night before he wrote that song. 

I know way back in the past I talked about all of the oriental trading crap that my vendors give me in conjunction with marketing material.  99% of what is given to me goes into a box that will eventually be picked through by nieces/nephews/god children.  Not yesterday or today, though. Yesterday a vendor walked by and gave me a bottle of wine with their logo on it.  I am beginning to debate how long before I pop open the bottle and secretly swig away here at my desk.   I have been given beer as well, but that does me no good at my desk because at no point would I ever resort to drinking warm beer. 

I didn’t think that a bottle of booze could be topped.  I was wrong.

Today one of my vendors walked around and gave every single rep on my floor a Flarp. 

 

For those of you who have been the lucky enough to come into contact with one of these, you know why I am celebrating this day.  Right now at this moment, you have roughly 200 people making random farting noises on my floor.  A different vendor brought in lunch today, and I have twice had to take a moment to remind myself that it is not really gas being passed. 

The good in all of this is that moving forward I no longer need to fear passing gas in the workplace.  I could literally walk outside of my Directors office and tear ass like never before and no one would be the wiser. 

This afternoon I board a plane and head to Las Vegas for the US National Billiard Championships.  Guess what’s goin with me!!???  FLARP!!! 

I think that this fun item could serve me well in Vegas.  It’s small enough to be a card protector while playing poker.  Small enough to pass the 3 ounce liquid rule with airport security. 

Well…that didn’t take long.  8 minutes into the floor having Flarps, an email from upper management told us to put it away and get back to work.  It was fun while it lasted…

I am sure there will be some interesting stories to share upon my return. 

Filed under: Cubs, billiard, fart, weird, work

5 minutes

That is all that I have today, since I have the most ridiculous day I think I have ever experienced from a time management perspective.  It’s almost comical. 

I am fitting Work/Dr. Appt/Meet friend to pick up pool cue/twisting balloons for old people/dropping pool cues off a cue maker for work before Vegas departure tomorrow/picking up cues after twisting balloons for old people/dropping off cue to friend/meeting wife in city for front row seats behind home plate for cubs game tonight. 

Holy Shit.  If I pull this day off, I will be amazed. 

This weekend was interesting.  I will post on it later.  Out of time and now must start this interesting journey for the day.  If you are watching the Cubs tonight on Comcast Sports net, I will be right behind the batter on TV.  I won’t be the idiot on the cellphone waving, but likely the guy that might try and set the record for most ball park dogs he can fit in his hole simultaneously on television.  I will also be wearing a Fukudome Cubs/karate kid like bandana on top of my head. 

Go Cubbies!!!

Filed under: Cubs, pain, train wreck, work

Its so hard to say goodbye

Last night after twisting balloons at Red Robin I was talking with my wife.  I got excited at the thought of having nothing on my schedule this Wednesday evening.  Then it hit me that this is the last weekday evening until mid August that I will not have an obligation of some sort.  So, I shall call tonight my overcommitment celebratory evening.  Or, the “I can’t say NO celebration”. 

What to do…what to do.  I plan on going to the gym.  After that I should probably shower and I should fold laundry…but if this is a celebratory evening, how is that celebratory?  It should be a last meal sort of night, so maybe a video game?

For those of you who think that I am exaggerating, here is a peek at what I have commited to since the word NO is rarely heard in my vocabulary. 

Monday:  Church Softball games at 6:00pm followed by a semimandatory trip to the sponsor where libations are forced against my will down my throat.  Church softball is funny.  Grown church men fight.  I have even witnessed twin 45 year old brothers on another church team beat the shit out of each other.  Of all the softball leagues I have ever been in, this Catholic Church 16″ softball league is the farthest from God out of all of them. 

Tuesday:  Gotta pay some bills.  Twisting balloons at Red Robin in Algonquin from 6:00 until 8:00pm.  This is a doozy.  I leave my day job at 4:30, and drive an hour and a half in rush hour every tuesday to twist balloons for many children each night.  It’s not the money I make each evening that makes me happy, but the many birthday parties that I get referrals for since each and every table gets a business card. 

Wednesday:  12″ softball league with friends.  New league this year.  I am most excited about this league since this will be the first time I am on a team with some of my closest and best friends.  It could be great, or it could suck. Only time will tell.  On a side note, I am the starting pitcher for both teams and I am interested to see how badly I pitch in 12″ since the mound is 10 feet farther back vs. the 16″ mound. 

Thursday:  Billiards from 6:00-1:00am  This is a rough one since it usually leads to a hangover for the mandatory 8:00am Friday morning team meeting.  I have been playing pool for many many years and will be heading to Las Vegas in less than two weeks to compete in the US National Championships.  Hopefully I will do well. 

Friday:  Gotta pay more bills. I head off on the same drive to Algonquin to twist balloons at Nero’s Pizza.  I enjoy Nero’s a bit more than Red Robin since there are fewer children and I get to twist for adults as well.  Adding Nero’s to my weekly balloon entertainment lineup has literally doubled the amount of calls I get for private events and is another added step to the promiseland of doing balloons full time and making a decent living while doing it. 

Saturday and Sunday has now become injected with anywhere from 2-5 balloon events now.  Rarely will a weekend come and go where I don’t have some sort of balloon engagement. 

Mix in random church meetings, the occasional Cubs game, and three vacation trips, and you have the making for a ridiculously crazy summer. 

I have been fearing this weekfor some time and it is finally arrived.  I just have to wonder at what point I crack and say enough.  I am really getting excited at the concept of having children.  I have heard from many friends that a great benefit to children is having a reason to say that you can’t do something.  This will be my Ironman summer.  I hope I am up for it.  I put the over under at June 19th for when I hit the wall. 

Filed under: Church, Cry baby, Cubs, Exercise, Overcommitment, excuse, grouchy, peer pressure, train wreck, work

Back to school…back to school…

Not really school, but work.  After calling in ill yesterday, i’ve decided to give it a go today.  Yesterday was truly the lowest of the low in regards to whatever the hell has entered my body and decided to do the macarena throughout my digestive organs.  At this exact moment I am still having stomach spasms.  You know when a muscle just flexes for no reason?  That is what my stomach is doing and it’s quite weird. There is something going on that I can’t even begin to understand and I guess I wouldn’t be surprised if at some point something began to tear through my stomach wall and run across the floor like a scene from the movie Aliens. 

The day at home yesterday was desperately needed not just for the sake of my recovery but also for my mental health.  Looking back at my calendar, the last day that I was able to stay home without having to do anything what so ever was on March 8th.  Even that day was spent doing all sorts of non relaxing shit.  It is my belief that my body just told me in a very violent manner this weekend that I need to slow the fuck down in life because I haven’t relaxed in a long time. 

So, this morning I am half way through email and still staring down the barrell of another 125 unread messages/requests. 

On a funny note, my best friend and I were on the Chicago Sun times cover on Sunday.  This isn’t a very good picture but shows Chris and I together with his homemade Fukudometer at the Cubs game last Wednesday.   

http://www.bleedcubbieblue.com/2008/4/20/427847/fukudometer-on-cover-of-su

I am the one on the right with the Chicago Cubs/Japanese headband.  The fukudometer is an idea that Chris had before the season began.  It’s kind of a take on the shawon-o-meter that now resides in the smithsonian institute.  I don’t know if Chris is expecting the same kind of success that the Shawon-o-meter received, but his take on it is gaining popularity since it tracks the batting average of Fukudome in his native language Kanji.  Which pretty much means that only Chris and those that speak Kanji (Koske included) will know what the hell it says.  Chris has already had his picture with the Fukudometer spread around the world and has been interviewed by www.cubscast.com. 

Filed under: Cubs, Schief, pain, work

Rough weeky

I feel like garbage.  I am praising God at this moment for creating this wonderful day called Friday, and even better giving us the amazing day of Saturday and Sunday so that I can actually get a break from this cloth covered enclosure I call my cube. 

Wednesday night I ended up going to see a cubs game.  I don’t know what it is about me and beer, but we have been getting along really well lately.  I overindulged not only Wednesday night at the Cubs game, but overindulged last night during my billiard league, which puts me where I am right now, feeling like garbage from two straight days of no sleep and hangovers. 

I just got a call from the doctor and the skin tag that was removed was malignant.  Whatever that means.  The woman from the doctor that left a message for me sounded like there was ever doubt and had the tone of being a hero for delivering news that should have made me jump from my desk and start doing cartwheels.  I wish I had the time and know how to post the audio because it is really funny to hear this woman build up the tension.  “Hi, this is Debbie from Dr. Meyers office, and we just got the results back from the pathologist where they screened it for skin cancer, melanoma, as well as other skin diseases, and you will be happy to learn that everything came back negative, so you can breath easy knowing that you are fine.” 

I guess I shouldn’t mock good news.  This message is better than getting something like this: ”Hi, this is Debbie from Dr. Meyers office and we just got the results back from the pathologist…could you give us a call back when you have a second?”  That would be scary. 

Great America day is here and I can’t wait.  Each year my company rents out Six Flags Great America for one day before it opens for the season.  I can’t even begin to imagine how much it costs for us to have the whole park to ourselves.  Once you have experienced Great America without having to wait in any lines for anything, it kind of ruins it for the rest of the year.  This will be the first year that my wife has gone with me and I’m hoping that she can hang. 

The rest of the weekend is full of balloonacy.  Saturday is full of 7 solid hours of balloon entertainment between two events, so I should beat.  www.misterd.balloonhq.com.  I’ve uploaded some new photos on that site.  I am preparing to enter the realm of balloon attire by representing the balloon industry in a fashion show in a few weekends.  I am excited because this will be my first opportunity to create wearable balloon art. 

Have a great weekend!

Filed under: Cubs, achy, balloon, beer, latex, weekend, wife

Pin Prick my ass!

As a follow up to yesterday’s post, the insurance lady came and she ran the tests needed to find out how much our monthly premiums will be for life insurance.  There is something about having a health test ran on me by someone that is so severely overweight that it made me giggle.  Here is this woman that hauled all her shit into my house to ask me questions about my health.  I kept thinking about the Adam Sandler skit Fatty McGee who kept weezing because he “liked the stairs”.   She had to have been pushing a good 300lbs up the stairs to my living room. As she came in the smell of ashtray followed her.  She must have just chained two cigarettes within five minutes with the way she smelled which prompted me to allow her to test my wife before me regardless of the fact that I can’t watch blood being drawn from another person, much less my own wife.

I hung out in the kitchen cooking dinner until it was my turn and by the time I was up, the smell had dissipated some.  I hate needles.  More than you could ever imagine.  I am such a wuss when it comes to needles.  Something about sticking a sharp metal object into my vein doesn’t do it for me.  I could never be a heroin addict regardless of the high.  I thought I read where they just do a finger prick to draw blood but apparently the amount that we are requesting for insurance required a gallon. (not really, but two big vials felt like a gallon to me) She was nice.  I’ll give her that much.

So today I had a doctors appointment where I was to have what I thought was a mole removed from my back.  I thought it was a mole, but it turns out that it was actually a skin tag.  I dare you go google the word skin tag.  Make sure you click on images before you google it though, and you my friend are in for a treat.  I swear, Google images is our generations freak show.

Skin tag, abcess, zit, tumor, skin disease, brown recluse, among many others are words you can google if you have any desire to test the boundaries of your stomach lining. Just don’t attempt it after eating.

The removal wasn’t so bad.  The skin tag had grown to the size of a raisin on the middle of my back and I knew that when my cats started batting at it thinking that it was a bug meant that it was time to have it removed.  That and the fact that while in Vegas a few weeks ago I caught several children pointing at it and snickering like I didn’t know it was there.  My friends had a flicking competition while in the pool to see who could get it the most.  So, goodbye mole…or skin tag.  I bled like I had been shot when the doctor cut it off.  Twice in consecutive days I had a needle stuck in my body and I hope that I don’t go three for three.  To treat myself for being a good little sport this evening I bought what I assume is the fattest most disturbing burger on the Red Robin menu.  The Whiskey River burger.  That just screams fatty.  When I was a kid I would ask for a lollipop, but eerily as I age, a nice big fat juicy burger has a better effect than candy on a stick.

Tomorrow night I get to go to my first Cubs game.  Watch for me on TV if you get the game on television.  I will be sitting right next to the guy who created the Fukudometer.  Go Cubbies!

Filed under: Cubs, Fatty, achy, pain, stink, weird, wife