How long

Yesterday blew on all fronts.  If September maintains the suckage that was the first of Sept, then i’m in for a long long month. 

I was excited to leave the office a little early yesterday knowing this would be the only evening I would get to hang with the wife this week.  So, I was thinking about what I would cook for dinner.  As I am leaving my office, I decide to go the back way home so that I can swing by my brewing supply company to pick up the ingredients for my next batch of beer.  As I am driving I see a cop and before I know it, i’m pulled over.  As I sit there being told I was going 41 mph in a 25mph zone, I am looking up in front of my car at a 40mph sign not more than 200 yards up the road.  Apparently 40mph doesn’t begin when you see the sign as the officer informed me in high school during the classroom portion of drivers ed.  10 minutes later and a 75.00 ticket in hand I made it to the brewery supply store. Pick up the ingredients and am on my way.  The wife calls to tell me she’s working late, so I was on my own for dinner.  No biggie, since I wanted to bottle my 3rd batch of beer and get my 4th batch of beer in 1st stage fermentation.  That was my second run in with the law in less than four days. 

As a treat to myself after my ticket, I decided that I would sample my 2nd batch of beer that has been in carbonation for a week now while I was bottling batch 3 and boiling batch 4.  Batch two was a Raspberry Hefeweizen (think blue moon type beer with a raspberry flavor).  I poured it beer, it looked good but smelled horrible.  I took a drink and it didn’t taste very good either.  Batch two is a total waste.  I have almost 5 gallons (28 22oz bottles) of beer that I am not going to drink nor am I going to let anyone sample it.  Just another kick to the groin on a shitty afternoon.  A simple bump in the road as I shall call it. Batch number one which was an amber ale was ridiculously good and I could drink the stuff all day.  Batch 3 was bottled last night which is an american wheat, and batch four (Nut Brown Ale) will be ready for consumption in another two weeks.  I guess that beer making isn’t the most simple thing in the world and there will be times where I will learn from my mistakes.  I know now to never use Raspberries in beer.  What sucks is that I put so many hours into that batch.  I would guess that I worked on that batch of beer for a total of 10 hours time all together.  That and the 40 bucks for the ingredients and I’ve taken a big step backwards.  Oh well.  Hopefully for every step backwards I am able to take two steps forward. 

Back to the title.  One of my fellow employees died suddenly nearly three weeks ago.  I wasn’t close with him although my desk is all of 15 feet from his.  I had seen him in the office many times, but he was a newer employee.  My question is this.  How long after someone passes do you clean off their desk?  I walk by his desk right now and it’s the same as the day he left the office.  His photos of his family are still up, his notes for projects still sit right by his computer, it’s as if we are waiting for him to come back to the office.  I couldn’t imagine being one of the guys that sat right next or across from him having to look at it each day to be reminded of my friend that is no longer with us.  Just seems a bit weird to me. 

My final office quandry as I rarely ever talk about my day job is that they have offered to essentially cover my cellular expenses if I switch to the corporate plan.  While the 110.00 bill going away does sound nice to me, I am concerned that they will now own my phone number that I have used for a good 10 years.  My balloon business thrives on that phone number and if for some reason I left the company and they wouldn’t give me that number back, it would be downright detrimental to the balloon business since I have over 10,000 business cards floating around the suburbs of chicago with my cellphone number on it.  I was told that I could switch that number to a personal phone line before I left the company but with my luck I would get the axe and wouldn’t be able to put int he request before that and they wouldn’t give it back to me.   I have to believe they would, but do I even risk it?  My other concerns center on the fact that they essentially can look at everything I do on my phone.  While I do nothing worth hiding, I feel as if there would be a lack of privacy as if there is any such thing in todays digital age.  I am torn.  Honestly the 1400.00 a year saved would be great. 

That’s about it.  I have a crazy night tonight. I will be attempting to draft to fantasy football teams at the same time tonight which will be a first in my 12 years of playing Fantasy football.  I will be in person at one draft while doing the other online.  Hopefully all goes well, we shall see.  Have a great evening!

Filed under: Death, coworker, fantasy, train wreck, work

The first rule of Fight Club…

…is you don’t talk about fight club…

“We who are about to die, Salute you!” (one of my favorite quotes from my one of my fave movies Gladiator. 

“Two men enter! One man leaves…”

That was always what our fraternity brothers would chant before each brotherhood boxing match that would take place only during the brotherhood lock-in once a year.  The brotherhood boxing would usually take place between the Mad Dog 20/20 chug competition and the stripper arriving.  Nobody would ever get hurt really during the boxing.  I fought a guy that resembled Drago from Rocky 4 once and that was my last fight ever.  I got a bloody nose.  I held strong for the 3 rounds and I was proud to say that I stood toe to toe with one of the biggest baddest guys in our house for the whole bought.  I don’t really know where I was going with this, so let’s get back to the story at hand. 

Today in my office cafeteria, two guys had to be seperated while screaming and preparing to fight.  It was quite funny because working for a very human resources heavy company shit like that doesn’t happen very often.  Lucky for me I had front row seats and unlucky for me fists were not thrown.  I felt like I had been taken back to my junior high days where you hear that there is going to be a fight after school, show up at the alley where it’s supposed to happen only to see the two people talking out their anger. 

This is how it unfolded. 

I am third in line at the cafeteria.  The first guy in line is waiting for a pan of sliced chicken to be brought out so he can complete his fajita order.  The second guy in line is waiting for the same chicken.  I, too am waiting for the chicken.  The cafeteria guy comes out and sets the pan on top of the plexiglass counter as he walks around leaving the pan of sliced chicken sitting out right in front of us.  Before the cafeteria guy makes his way around the counter, the first guy reaches over, picks out a little piece of chicken with his bare hands and proceeds to put it in his mouth right in front of at least 8 people waiting in line for that chicken. As he chews he grumbles something about wanting to make sure it tastes all right…  He did it as if we had just pulled the finished turkey out of the stove during Thanksgiving and we were all family or something.  Guy number two begins to yell at guy number one saying that his hands were not clean, and that was the rudest most disgusting thing that he could do considering that he put his fingers into the food that we were all about to eat.  My jaw dropped at the confrontation unfolding before me. 

Guy number one replied with something along the lines where he only touched the piece of chicken he picked up and that he had recently washed his hands. 

Guy number two replied with something along the lines where he didn’t give a rats ass and that he should learn better etiquette at work since unlike his house, he didn’t work in a trailer. 

Guy number one slowly realized that guy number two just called him trailer trash and began to push. 

Cafeteria workers stopped the fight before I had a chance to break out my old junior high squeal “Fight!” “Fight!” ”Fight!” for the whole cafeteria to hear.   I was so disappointed. 

The funniest part about this whole transaction of words was that these two guys I would guess are in their mid to late 50’s and the scrawniest men I have laid eyes on.  I bet neither of them have been in an exchange like that since high school.  I was waiting for each of them to start crying. 

There is nothing better than an almost white collar corporate fight. 

Filed under: Cry baby, coworker, fight, train wreck, weird, work

rainy hd vampire

Wow we wow wow. What a crazy ass weekend. I am highly relieved to have my tukus sitting where it is back in my office.  Friday was as wonderful as having two school Halloween parties in one night could be.  The second party was cut short by my attempt to obtain the 3 new HD televisions that I have been chasing down for half of a week. 

I set the delivery to go to my father in laws on Friday since I was not going to be home, but apparently the UPS guy doesn’t knock very hard so my father in law missed it.  Due to my desire in getting this whole fiasco over with, I went to the UPS store to pick up the 3 LCD televisions.  In the rain.  The rain part will become more important later in the story.  Let me back track a bit. 

I met my wife at her father’s house to put on our costumes…makeup and all.  As a vampire, I wore my tuxedo pants, white dress shirt, black suspenders, and cape.  Easy Cheesy, right?  For effect I had bought fake fangs where they mold to your tooth by using this putty compound.  Apparently I didn’t follow the directions correctly because by the time I had combined both packets of putty and placed it in the teeth, and placed the teeth over my teeth to finish the mold, the putty had turned hard.  Oh well.  I was a toothless vampire.  I wore white powder on my face, sprayed my hair black, and had fake blood all around my mouth.  Good times.  Now to fast forward to the second party. 

Thankfully, we were driving seperately and I left my wife at 8:15pm to go to the UPS store 15 minutes away before they closed at 9:00.  I was worried because as I was driving there, I called to see if they could have the packages ready and I was told there was a line of people.  Great.  Now I have to stand in line as a vampire.  Joyous.  But for the sake of receiving HD glory, I did it.  I handed the woman my tracking info and she pulled the boxes out.  The lady said that they have seen hundreds of these Samsung LCD’s come through in the past two days and was curious as to what was going on.   She wheeled out the 3 very large boxes that upon seeing them became obvious to me that there was no way in hell that all of these boxes were going to fit in my car.  But I would try.  Another guy and his girlfriend were waiting for something as well, and upon seeing my boxes asked the clerk if one was his.  I looked at him and asked if he worked for my company as well and he said yes.  He asked me if I obtained these in an unethical manner as well, and upon my answer, we Hi-fived.  I don’t recall ever hi-fiving any stranger ever in my life in any environment other than sports.  He was jealous that I got three since he said he only had enough points for one.  Regardless, one is better than none.  It was still raining out. 

I roll the three incredibly large boxes out to my car…in the rain…and begin to work on the puzzle that was fitting these in my car.  It wouldn’t have been so bad had I not already had a box larger than these boxes in my back seat that I had picked up from Fedex earlier in the day that contained a mountain bicycle from the same sales award program. 

I worked for 20 minutes in the rain trying to squeeze boxes and I could only fit one of the 3 in my car.  Did I mention that it was raining?  Not just raining, but pooring.  On me.  On the boxes.  On me is funnier, because remember that I am wearing make up, black hair spray and fake blood….that has now covered my white dress shirt.  The boxes are now squishy dirty cardboard as well.  I called my wife and thankfully she came and rescued me.  There was enough room to place the boxes in her car.  So, we were off.  

It was 9:30 pm by now and my wife wouldn’t stop talking about Chinese.  We decided to try and find a Chinese restaurant on the way home and ordered take out.  We found a restaurant and ordered. As we waited we noticed that they had 3 fish tanks in the back of the restaurant.  In it they had many gold fish.  In one tank I looked and realized that all their goldfish was dead.  Jeanne said that she thought they were just sleeping, and after tapping the glass and seeing no movement of gills we discovered that they were truly dead.  I looked in another aquarium and realized that the fish there were dead as well.  I immediately became worried because isn’t that some sort of health code violation?  The fish were dead and it was obvious that they didn’t just die that day, but were dead for some time.  I tried to cancel the order but Jeanne’s Chinese cravings overrulled my dead fish argument. 

I have many other thoughts about the weekend rattling around my brain about the HD TV’s, bikes, church, halloween, and my little brother.  I will touch on those as the week progresses and time allows.  Have a great Monday!

Filed under: coworker, fish, grouchy, moving, pain, sore, stink, stupid, train wreck, weird, wife, work

Holy Lightning Batman!

 

Wow.  Today I am utilizing a new method for posting on this blog.  I am going to type it as a Word Document and then cut and paste because I am now in the Lions Den.  We moved last night and I must say that at first I thought I was truly lucky.  No quad mates.  Nobody behind me.  Just my desk and a window to stare out of while I day dream of slicing golf balls off the tee out of bounds into the thick brush. 

 

I overlooked something.  The walkway between my desk and the window is now one of two paths to exit our row for my manager.  He has already walked by at least 4 times within the first hour of work.  At this pace, I could possibly be looking at an average of encounters between the range of 20 and 30 each and every day.  I would say that in the year I have had this gentleman as my manger I haven’t had a total of 30 encounters. 

 

I still love my desk.  The idea that I am going to have to be quick draw mcgraw on my web use and hot toggle action does shake me a little bit.  Oh well.  I am also sitting right next to a rep that loves to walk around as he talks.  I am sure that none of this will be worst than what I had for the last year and a half though.  I am going to have to get a Notre Dame Fight song soundbite added to my iPod so that anytime I need a good laugh I will be set. 

 

Rough day today.  I woke up at 3:00 this morning during the crazy ass storms and had a hard time going back to bed.  We lost power for a while and when it came back on my turtle tank filters wouldn’t reset and they started making creepy noises in the basement, so I went down to refill them with water when I got the retarded idea to go into the garage and watch some lightning from under the shelter of my home.  So, I opened the garage door and stayed back near the cars.  I made it all of 30 seconds before a lightning strike hit a couple hundred yards away. After the strike, I made probably the most athletic series of runs, button presses, light switches, stair climbs, and leaps into bed that I ever had in my life.  I went on to debate with my wife how stupid I was for going out to watch the electrical storm and how much of a “Sissy” I was for freaking out by the near death experience.  I told her I wasn’t a “Sissy” and that she should remove that word from her vocabulary.  No man ever wants his wife to call him a Sissy.  I told her that she should rephrase her statement to say, “You were so brave to go out in the storm, however I do not agree with your decision to go out and I would prefer for you to stay inside where it is safe.”  That is all that I ask.

 

Filed under: coworker, scared, sleepy, wife, work

The fortress of servitude and GOOOOO IRISH!

 

Today I must celebrate the humor in my work place.  I wrote weeks ago about a big shakeup that was taking place in my office.  My world was being tossed about because two of my cubicle quad mates were being moved and two absolutely retarted people were being moved into my quad.  I was pretty upset by all of this because work is work and if I became surrounded by stupid, I just might have to find a new place to work.  Scary how something so simple as who sits by you can make or break a happy work life. 

There has been a major change of events on the move.  The two guys in my quad are still being moved, but so am I.  As is almost everyone on my floor.  The wonderful thing about the move for me now, is that I will no longer be in a quad.  As a matter of fact, I will in no way be sharing space with anyone.  I will be moved to a desk that has three walls, and a window behind me.  I will not be able to turn around and see what someone is doing, I will not have a neighbor constantly asking me stupid questions that he should know the answer to or at least put forth a little effort in researching the answer.  I am lucky enough to be moving to one of 6 individual non quad desks on the entire floor of what I would guess is around 300 desks.  And on top of that, the quad mate that asks me all of the questions will no longer be in a quad, but in a half quad where he and another person will be working together.  He is being paired up with one of the dumbest and most annoying women on the floor.  HA!  Can I just say that!  HA! HA! HA!  This person asks me no less than 10 ”how do I” questions on a daily basis and I wonder how on earth he will get by without having someone to lean on.  Lately I have a canned response for his inquires.  “I don’t know.”  It works when he asks me a new question, but the majority of time he asks the same questions and I seethe at him at how this is the 9th time he has asked me how to do something.  Can you tell I am a little upset?  The big move takes place  on Monday and I wanted to get one of those electronic count down clocks that show that days, hours, minutes, and seconds until I will be released from my annoying situation, but that would be downright mean. 

The whole purpose of this story is that the same inquisitive gentleman likes the Notre Dame theme song.  Not the whole song, but the main part that they play every time the football team scores a touchdown.  He likes it so much that he sings: buh, buh, bumm, bumm, bummmm, buh, bum, buh, bum, buh, bum, bum, bum, buh, buh, bummmmm.  Constantly.  He doesn’t know it but he does it at least 15 times a day.  It is by far one of the funniest and ridiculous things that you could ever overhear an adult do while working.  It gives me a glimpse into his mind and if that plays in his mind that often, there are serious problems.  Oh….he just did it again, right at this exact moment.  I had to stifle my laughter because it was right on cue.   This same person talks non stop to himself, laughs out loud for no reason, and likes to bang on his mouse when the systems aren’t moving quickly enought.  Good stuff. 

As much as I rip on him, he is probably one of the closest things to a best friend I have in this office and I will miss sitting next to him as much as I will probably be thankful to not be. 

I worry that sitting next to no one will drive me insane since I will have no one near me to share funny stories with or to show something funny to.  Or I might become like the others and start talking and laughing to myself.  Who knows.  Time will tell.  I might start shopping for some sort of funny item to put in my new cubicle.  Like a Homer Simpson, or a Cartman.  It could be my Wilson from the movie Castaway. 

I will write more when it comes to moving day. After all,  it’s only 4 days 2 hours 16 minutes 13 seconds away…but who’s counting? 

Filed under: achy, confused, coworker, grouchy, mean, weird, work

Creepy Wednesday

 

This morning I was put in my place by all my bitchness the last two days.  I also said something last night that signifies that I am the adult I feared I would be as a child. 

This morning at 4:00am I was pushed and slapped by my wife in my sleep.  This was by far the most physical abuse in our 4 year marriage to date.  The funny part is that my wife is just a little fella, and her slapping me and pushing me as I slept barely woke me.  I asked why she did it and she said I was screaming like I was a ghost and then it turned into shrieks as if I was being murdered.  I was thankful that she woke me because I had the creepiest scariest nightmare to date and it immediately should become a scene in either a horror film or a haunted house.  I don’t know, but I had a hard time going back to sleep. I told my wife about it and she said that she was so creeped out that she couldn’t go back to bed as well.  I typically don’t put too much stock in my nightmares, nor do I ever write about them, but I must this time, because I am curious to find out if anybody has one of the books that can decipher what the hell is going on in my brain. 

Here is the basic story minus some of the minor details. 

I have a child. (which I really don’t)  The child is african american (I am caucasion) and he has hurt himself.  I think it was scrapped up knees or something minor like that.  It is late at night and I put the child into the bathtub to soak the wound and tend to the child.  I needed to get some band aids and medical things so I leave the bathroom to go the other side of the house to get the supplies.  I start walking back to the bathroom and see that the door is closed.  I didn’t close the door on my way out.  I start to walk to the bathroom and quickly open the door and the lights are out and the shower curtain is now closed.  I flip the light switch on and I see at the edge of the partially closed shower curtain a full sized grown man sitting in the bath with red everywhere. 

I guess that is when I started screaming like a girl or something. 

Freaky shit. 

I have never been a believer of dream books because I think anyone can sit down and write about what they belive each part of a dream means.  I could do it myself. 

You had a dream about monkeys?  That means that you are struggling with work and feel that you are attempting to climb up an unclimbable tree. 

You were running in your dream?  That means you are scared to face something in your life. 

See?  I think that those books are as reliable as putting faith in horoscope readings.  My horoscope reading today is: Apply your newest ideas to your life today. You can serve as a powerful example.
That sounds like a fortune cookie.  And someone gets paid to come up with this shit. 

So, if you think you know anything about dreams, give it a shot.  I am all ears.  My wife immediately asked me if I was traumatized in the shower ever.  I immediately explained about all the times my brother and father would scare the shit out of me by sneaking up to me in the shower as a kid.  It then dawned on me how bad I should feel for having done that to Jeanne several times in our old house.   Shame on me.  There is nothing like scaring someone but I shouldn’t thrust my fears upon others. 

I also managed to say something to my niece via email that made me feel very old.  I have a myspace account and each and every day I wonder why more and more.  See this story and you will understand why I will never allow a family member under my control to ever use this website.  http://www.thekansascitychannel.com/news/13789708/detail.html?rss=kc1&psp=news

This is just one of the thousands of stories that come off of myspace about horrific people doing things to users of this site.  I personally believe myspace is the breeding ground of the worst our human race has to offer.  Anyway, my niece who has a myspace page emailed me and asked me to put a real picture of myself on myspace vs using the balloon photo that I use as my picture.  I use a spider man balloon photo and I would have to say that the picture is pretty BA (bad ass) but apparently my niece is probably tired of explaining to friends why she has a latex balloon superhero on her buddy list. 

So, I emailed her last night and said that I would not be putting a regular photo of myself up and that I would be happy to email her a digital photo of me if she wants one.  I went on to say that “I am not a fan of the site and that she would understand when she gets older.”  That is the first time I have ever said those words and it really made me feel old.  Do I like that my niece uses Myspace?  No.  But the sad thing is that my sister in law (her mother for you slow folk) has her own page and I have been saddened to read some of the risque messages from strange men to my sister in law when she is married to my brother.  I can say that there has not been a superior example set forth from my niece and it is not my place to explain to her that sick people use that site to meet little girls.  So, I feel old.  Whatever.  This last few paragraphs have managed to put me back in my 3 day now bad mood hangover so I am going to go back to work and hope that eventually the grumpy fog lifts before this weekend.  Big weekend ahead and I can’t wait.  Drinking is in my future. 

Happy hump day. 

Funny story later about my cubicle mate and how much he loves the Notre Dame fight song. 

Filed under: Blood, In laws, body, confused, coworker, dad, grouchy, mad cow, mean, scared, shower, sleepy, weird, wife, work

cough sneeze

 

 So, as we were on our tropical destination I wrote about how I had gotten sick the night before we left.  The first few days in Key West were filled with me sleeping in and trying to get as much rest as possible so that I could enjoy the night life.  Nothing makes a cold go away faster than 6-7 nice strawberry margaritas. 

Typically when I am sick, there is a no kiss policy between my wife and I.  Jeanne put a hold on that policy while we were on vacation and you will never believe what happened.  It’s the strangest thing, but Jeanne is now sick.  So, I have now transitioned from being the sick one, to taking care of the sick.  I feel bad because if Jeanne has what I had, then it either mutilated into something much scarier, or Jeanne is much not as good as dealing with it as I was.  I think the one big difference was that when I am sick, Nyquil is my best friend. I usually drink enough to put me into a coma for a full day.  Jeanne will not drink it period.  She has to take it in pills.  Two little Nyquil pills are enough to set me sailing for an hour or two.  I usually drink the equivalent of 8 pills worth.  So, needless to say, I feel bad that I gave it to her, but I don’t feel as bad as I would had it been a scenario where she didn’t bring it on herself.  (did that make sense?)  I feel less bad because she took away the rules of no kissing than had it been my call.  I still feel bad. 

I am still in vacation mode.  Two nights ago I stopped to pick up groceries and I made an extra trip down the liquor isle to price out some Tequila.  I don’t drink Tequila, but it tasted damn good in every single Margarita I drank in Key West.  If I had to guestimate, I bet I drank like a thousand Strawberry Margaritas while on our trip.  Not really.  But seriously around 20 would be more realistic.  There was a period that I actually thought that I could start a blog on The Best and Worst places in Key West to have Strawberry Margaritas.  I feel that I am now a professional.  Now, I have to learn how to make them myself.  I have many tools that will be able to do the trick including the greatest known invention to man, “The Magic Bullett.”  This could turn out to be a Strawberry festival type experience where I have to master the art myself. 

Speaking of the Strawberry festival, I have since learned to make authentic lemon shakeups.  After figuring how badly I was screwed on a damn lemon shakeup, I decided to go out and get me the recipe, which in hindsight made me feel a teeny bit retarted.  Here it is in all it’s glory:

LEMON SHAKE-UP
1/2 lemon 1/4 c. sugar 1/2 c. water 1 c. crushed ice Thoroughly juice the lemon half and cut into quarters. Put both fruit and juice into a 16 ounce disposable glass. Add the sugar, water, and crushed ice. Stir drink by pouring back and forth between two glasses several times. Add very cold water to fill glass, then enjoy.

Thanks to my friends at cooks.com for making my dream a reality:http://www.cooks.com/rec/view/0,194,148175-230203,00.html

So, the first few times I made it, I stuck to the recipe exactly.  After making like a thousand of them (once again an exagerative reference) I now only measure the surgar and go crazy with the rest.  I keep everything I need to make a nice lemon shakeup on the counter at all times, and I have it down to a 45 second art.  Squeeze the lemon (I don’t cut it up, leave it as a half) scoop the sugar, add ice, add water, and pour between two glasses.  Very simple.  Even someone a little slow like myself can create carni-drinks in a jiffy. 

Back to work.  Today is a strange day where it would appear that the sky is falling around me and my comfort zone has taken a serious beating today.  I will fill you in on the details tomorrow. 

Filed under: achy, beer, body, confused, coworker, friend, fun, funny, grouchy, romance, scared, sore, weird, wife, work

waiting on hold…

  

I love waiting on hold.  Currently at this moment I have 4 customers, 1 vendor, and 1 utility company on the phone on hold with a utility company (phone).  It is good stuff.  The hold music is just loud enough that no one can speak over it and the long drawn out wait is so excruciating. We have been holding for seriously 40 minutes and it just keeps getting better and better. 

I had fun creating the Cicada picture from yesterday.  I think I might have missed my calling in Graphics arts.  I used to sell Yellow Pages ads for a very long time and the most enjoyment from the job would come from actually designing the ads.  Something about creating something digitally has always appealed to me.  I think I utilize this fancy when twisting balloons.  (ww.misterd.balloonhq.com)  I get to create something from nothing and then show it off.  I bet that Cicada photo goes around the web.  I wanted to put my name on it so that when someone emails it to me and says “look at this” I can say, “I created that!” without the person saying “whatever…..quear.” 

We have hit the one hour and 15 minute threshold for this call.  Slowly I hear some of the guys sighing and groaning, and I am waiting for someone to blow up as guys do when dealing with utilty companies.   Especially telephone ones whose “engineers” are named Patrika and Paula knowing damn well that they are truly minimum wage employees sitting in a half cubicle that they share with two other shifts.  Not that there is anything wrong with that.

I wonder if people out there are looking for Cicada porn shots.   I might have to doctor a shot up and put some lingerie on one of these little buggers and see if I can draw in some insect freaks! 

Filed under: cicada, confused, coworker, free porn, fun, funny, grouchy, weird, work

Me no likey

So, the highlight of my customer visit last night was that the two clients I flew in from the same company ended up hating each other.  Good stuff.  Typically when I fly customers in we have a good time and many drinks are had.  I felt like I was on a blind date that I could not wait to end.  At around 9:00 last night we all kind of looked at are watches and said “Look at the time….(yawn)…I got to get some sleep for tomorrow…”  Funny how different people can be. 

On a light and funny note, the Cicada’s are beginning to emerge.  I am ultra excited because they only come out once every 17 years and this is our year.  The last time they surfaced I was 13 and I was staying at my grandparents house.  My grandparents live on a lake and these little buggers made the best darn fishbait in the entire world!  I am attaching a video that someone sent me that will explain the strangeness that is Brood XIII. 

http://www.bio.indiana.edu/~hangarterlab/broodx/broodxmovies/NSFmovie.htm

This video has all the information you could ever need in regards to the Cicadas.  This morning when I work up my favorite morning news talk show was doing a special on them.  As I drove into work, I couldn’t help but watch the trees to see if the bases were covered with the Cicada’s yet.   I don’t know what it is about them, but I am really looking forward to bugs being everywhere. 

Filed under: confused, coworker, fun, grouchy, weird

It’s Friday!

So, lately I have been finding myself really looking forward to Friday’s.  But not for the typical reasons.  Most look forward to Friday because it is the eve of the weekend.  The day before you get to do whatever you want without the wicked big brother watching down on you.  Not for me though…I have been looking forward to Fridays for the weekly appearance of the “Hey it’s Friday!” guy. 

I don’t know why the weekly emergence of the Friday guy makes me so happy.  I think it stems from this being one of the quirks of working in a corporate environment.  One of my favorite shows is the office because it hits the funny aspects of corporate america life.  I can relate to the debauchery and ridiculousness of the show becuase it is my every work day. 

So, every Friday there is this guy who begins every conversation with everyone he encounters with “Hey! It’s Friday!”  This is the same person that will start on Wednesday asking you what your plans are for the weekend.  He asks, but doesn’t really care.  I figured this out the third time he asked me multiple times on Wed, Thurs, and Friday about what I was doing that weekend after I told him already.  So, when this happens  now, I will change up my story to see if it messes with him mentally. 

Lately, I have been trying to beat him to the punch just to F with him.  Any time someone comes around and I know it is someone who has not been greeted by Friday Guy, I will chime in quickly “It’s Friday…what ya got planned for the weekend?”  I steal his thunder.  I don’t know if he has caught on that I am screwing with him or not.  I don’t really care.

I laugh because even on the phone with his clients I will over hear him starting conversations with  ”It’s Friday…” 

Funny story from last night.  Every Thursday I play 8-ball in an 8-ball league.  The location is close to where I live in the far northwestern suburbs of Chicago.  We are lucky in that the smoking witch hunt has not traveled so far yet, and smoking indoors is still allowed up where we are.  Anyway, last night while I was warming up for my matches, I overheard a funny voice.  I recognized this funny sounding voice from one of my favorite television shows, My name is earl.  There is this guy who has some sort of voice cancer and has to put a little voicebox to his throat in able for anyone to hear his robot sounding voice.  Anyway, as I was shooting last night I overheard this robot sounding voice.  So, I looked over and saw this little old lady toking on a cigarette and talking.  She had this device pressed against her throat so that it could broadcast the sounds that her throat was making.  It was the first time I had ever seen a voice box in action and I have to say that I busted a nut laughing every time I heard the robotic voice.  I felt bad for the lady, but to see her there visibly (& audibly) suffering from what has to be some sort of throat cancer caused by a lifetime of smoking 2-3 packs of smokes a day still tokin on a cigarette was down right comical.  I might add distracting to comical.  You try sinking a full table length shot on a 8-ball to win a game with Mrs. Roboto vibrating in your ear.  I don’t recommend it.  I am also angry now because I have wasted a small chunk of my life trying to find out what the hell that device is called that makes you sound like a robot.  Is it wrong for me to want one even if I don’t suffer from the ailment?  I don’t think so.  If anyone knows what the hell that little device is called, let me know. 

Filed under: Friday guy, billiard, confused, coworker, friend, fun, funny, grouchy, mean, weird, work