What are the odds

So last month while we were on the second leg of our travels we found ourselves unpacking our bags at the mountain house in W. Virginia in a rush to hop right back in the car to drive an hour to catch a minor league baseball game.  Every few years we make it out to the mountain house in Berkley Springs for a week and each year we plan a trip to go see the Hagerstown Suns. 

The night at the ball park is always a favorite of the trip as I love me some ball park food and baseball.  We strategically pick the night when we are in town where the promotion is “Feed your face Monday” which I have to assume took very little time in the marketing dept budget brainstorming a name for that promotion. 

Feed your face night should actually be called, “Come to the ball park to stand in line for food while missing the game Monday”.  The ticket cost to get to watch a ball game plus unlimited Hot dogs, fries, chicken nuggets, popcorn, pretzels, etc is a whopping 10 dollars.  I don’t have to explain how amazing a deal that is.  With my frame and stature (ie fattyness) I really make the executives re-think this deal when I come to town. 

This past trip it appeared that they were very unprepared for this promotion as the line for each concession stand was at the minimum 20 people deep.  There were more people in line for the free food than in the stands for the stadium.  Let me just say this.  If this promotion at this price were to be offered in the Chicagoland area, I would be handing tickets to monday night games to the homeless whenever I was asked for spare change.  A person with the right plan could stand in line the whole game and gather enough food to eat until the following home Monday game.  The caviat that I didn’t mention is of all the items you get for free, you can only ask for two items per person when you suffer through the 20 minute wait to the window.  AND, when you finally finish your journey to the window, you are asked “What can I get for you?” to which you might say, “I’ll take a hot dog and a Pretzel” with the response from them being “Were out of hot dogs and it will be another 15 minutes on the Pretzels” leading you to follow up that request with two other free items that they might have available.  “Doh” is a good sound effect as you are denied of the items you have waited so patiently for. 

So, you walk away from the concession stand with your two free items not being the two items you wanted so you see others walking away from other stands with said items so you literally go get in the other line and wait another 20 minutes never really getting back to your seat to enjoy the ball game until you have gone through this process no less than 7 or 8 times until you can’t image the thought of another colon cancer causing processed hotdog to come within an inch of your mouth. 

The craziness in this trip to the ball park didn’t come from the food, but from the parking.  We took 3 vehicles from the mountain house as there were a total of 13 of us.  There was room in the two Vans for the wife and I, but I desperately needed to return calls for pricing and availability requests for the balloon twisting business as the mountain house didn’t exactly provide quality cellular coverage.  So the wife and I drove seperately from our group in a move that annoyed the other adults as it appeared they had moved things in vans to make room for us only to be told after that we were driving in our own car.  In hindsight I can’t imagine that they would have enjoyed listening to me talk to several perspective customers for 45 minutes about having me twist balloons at their party. (www.iloveballoonanimals.com for those of you who don’t know what I am talking about) 

We arrived as the game started and found parking far away from the park.  The two vans pulled in to two spots and I pulled in to their left.  I felt uncomfortable parking near a ditch where kids were riding as fast as they could and launching themselves into the air in a very uncontrolled manor not more than five feet from my car.  The kids were as annoyed by my close proximity park job as I was by the thought of a kid landing out of control and ramming the side of our new SUV.  So, I backed out and found a parking spot farther away.  It was a good choice in my opinion but by me backing out, it left the next Van in our group exposed just as mine was.  Everyone got out of the cars and we walked the couple hundred yards to the gate.  The entire way, the owner of the van that had been exposed debated as to whether he should move his car as well.   The tickets at will call were in his name, so he tossed me the keys and asked if I could move his car.  So the owner of the other van and I walked back to the kids with bikes to pull out the vans and find better parking.  As we drove through the parking lots we were surprised to find plenty of prime parking available right near the gates to get into the park.  So, we parked the cars and proceeded in with smiles on our faces anticipating the first ball park hot dog. 

Fast forward to the 7th inning.  I am full of hotdogs, popcorn, and beer. They had 32 oz cups of beer for 4.00.   (that’s nearly three bottles worth of beer for 4.00 if you were curious) Does it get any better than that?  It was around inning 4 that we realized that the reason for the available parking right by the gates was because that was foul ball territory. I thought to myself, there is no chance that I could have been given keys to a friends car, and asked to move it out of fear that a kid might bump into it by bike only to park it close to the park and have it hit by a foul ball.  What would the odds be for something like that?  Like 1 in a 1000? 

Anytime a ball is hit over the 1st base  side bleachers into the parking lot,  a clown whistle sound effect would come on the speakers with a very loud glass breaking sound effect in an attempt to actually cover up the real sound of baseballs slamming into parked cars.  There was a married couple sitting in the very top row of the bleachers in the corner with a perfect view of the parking  lot.  Whenever the sound effect would come on many people would yell up to that couple asking what color was the car that just got nailed.  It was once again during the seventh inning that I began thinking maybe we could move the car and avoid any risk what so ever.  Within moments of this thought a pop up foul ball flys over us and comes down into the parking lot.  We even heard the sound of the ball hitting a car despite the attempted cover up of the silly clown sound effect.  Someone near us screamed up to the couple, “What Color Car” to which they  yelled back “Dark Blue Van”. 

I sat there for a moment trying to remember what color Eric’s van was that I moved.  Was it Dark Blue or Black?  So I walked up to the top of the bleachers and look down and it looks like a ball hit the top of his van.  But it didn’t look bad, just like a scuff maybe from up there.  So, we enjoy the rest of the game and proceeded to leave the park.  We get to the van, and sure enough Eric’s van was nailed just above the drivers side door on the actual frame of the vehicle. (the scuff turned out to be bird poop as Eric’s car must have been a popular target on this particular evening)  There was a 4 inch gash in the metal from where the baseball nailed the van. 

I feel and felt horrible.  It couldn’t have hit the other van where the other owner parked his own vehicle.  Just had to hit the one that I parked.  I would guess that I apologized no less than 50 times to which Eric told me not to worry about it since he asked me to move his car but I still feel bad. 

As a side note of what some might call karma or irony, 4 years ago while the wife and I were visiting with Eric and his family in Indy, Eric backed his car out of their drive way right into my wife’s car causing a huge basketball sized dent in the rear quarter panel.  He offered to pay for the repair back then but we never asked for the money nor did we ever have it repaired.   So, with that looming over the whole situation you can’t help but feel that we might be even in some strange sort of way.

Filed under: Car, Vacation, balloon, balls, beer, memories, weird

Car buying asspain

In my life I have never bought a new car.  My wife had prior to her meeting me.  Even the car I drive around we bought used with only 11k in miles on it.  For the past week we have been car shopping and as much fun that you would think car shopping would be, it has not been that at all.  If I have to deal with another slimey car dealership guy I am going to go apeshit. 

I have learned several lessons while car shopping none of which being useful in any other facets of my life.  What I learned the most is that you can’t trust anyone in any way that is affiliated with getting a car off their lot.  My car buying process has been one big comedy of errors after the other.

The highlight of which was being told that the dealer was doing me a ”favor” by installing the remote starter for 450.00 which was a “loss” for the dealership.  When I asked for more info they handed me a pamphlet that had $224.00 underlined and circled with letters under the price spelling the words OUR PRICE double underlined.  I laughed out loud and said 450.00 is your cost, huh?  I handed the now opened pamphlet to the salesman and watched him turn red.  All I could do was just nod in disbelief. 

One lesson learned is that if you find a vehicle with the options you like and the color you like, locate the car on your own.  We told the dealer that we were test driving what options and color we wanted and we were greeted with the fact that there was only one in the Midwest that matched our specs and before they came back to tell us about it, they have “locked” it in and no other dealer could get it.  That pretty much prevented us from being able to buy that car from anyone else.  When I questioned the truth behind locking it in, the manager proceeded to call the other dealer that I had been working with and asked if they could get our model with naviagation in the color we wanted…to which the response from the other dealer said that there was one, but the dealership we were sitting in had secured the vehicle less than ten minutes before that phone call took place, thus realizing that it was another dealer on the phone and they hung up on him.  Funny shit really. 

So they drove to pick the car up yesterday and by the time everything was signed sealed and delivered, it came time for our inspection, and my wife looked over it with a fine tooth comb.  As we looked at the car, we became distraught at the number of issues found.  Dings all over the place on the interior dash, the radio looked as if somone had tried prying it off to steal, the exterior had chips, and there was a pinstripe on the car that my wife hated.  Had we actually test driven that car we would not have thought about buying it for a second.  Luckily the dealer was good about all the issues and will be fixing everything at our convenience under warranty so we ended up driving off with it last night only to have to bring it back in for a couple days work on getting in the new condition that we deserve. 

I am just glad we are done with it, because it truly was the biggest pain in my ass. 

The next time I buy a car,  I think I am going to create a “bullshit” buzzer and announce that before we begin negotiations the dealer has two free “bullshit” buzzes and upon the third buzz, I walk out.  That or there has to be some sort of lie detection device that I will set up before we begin. 

I had a math teacher in junior high would fuck with us mentally when he would call out our lies.  When you would pass your math quiz to your neighbor for grading and get you paper handed back to you sometimes someone would quickly erase the answer and write in the correct one stating that the grader messed up.  This would prompt “the eraser test” as he put it where he would take that piece of paper to the window holding it up to the light.  He would then take a medicine dropper and drop one drop of hydrogen peroxide on the answer to see if it changed colors.  Depending on how the hydrogen peroxide fizzed on the answer told the teacher whether it was changed after the fact or not.  Three different times he began the process only to have the kid crack in front of him for fear of his test proving that the student did indeed changed his answer.  One boy actually began crying and was sent to the principal’s office right then and there for lying.  If only I could use something similar with the dealer.

Filed under: Car, asspain, liar, slime

A funny thing happened on the way to the city

My day today has been full of work meetings combined with a much needed trip downtown to pick up what I have come to learn is an elusive object.   I have always known that I have a big head.  It has only been an inconvenience when trying to buy fitted baseball caps since the largest size I am able to find is usually one size too small for my nogin.   A month ago I was booked to twist balloons for a candy company that I won’t name, but can say that there have been two movies (one older and a newer remake) made about this candy company.  www.iloveballoonanimals.com

So, the interesting thing about this booking is that I am not allowed to wear my typical “Cubs” garb as I normally do when twisting balloons.  This company is requiring that I and the other woman that is entertaining with me to be in “character” or “clown”.  The big problem is that I am not a clown, nor have I ever been such.  Having a not so great history of being a fan of clowns, this whole thing will be a very interesting experience.  So, this Saturday morning, I will be unveiling “Dapper”.  My new clown persona. 

Dapper spawns from the fact that I am going to try and be as non creepy as possible.  I will be wearing tuxedo pants, colorful shirt, home made balloon cuff links, Black suspenders, a balloon bow tie,  a top hat with a balloon flower on it, and just a bit of make up on the face.  It should be good enough to pass as a clown without being a real clown.  I will have to post photos once I have them for feed back. 

Wow…what happened…back to my oversized melon.  During my quest for a top hat, it has come to my attention that I have the largest head there is.  24″.  I don’t think that means I am extra smart, but I can say it has been a burden trying to locate a top hat that fits my brain.  After seriously two weeks of searching, I was only able to locate one in the ENTIRE Chicagoland area.  So on my drive down to city to pick up the ten gallon sized top hat, I looked in my rear view mirror and noticed two women sitting side by side in an SUV right behind me.  We were in stop and go traffic on 94 heading south, when I looked up again a few moments later to hear honking and men screaming out the window.  As I looked at the car, I noticed that the two women behind me were kissing, causing a serious amount of traffic to come to a standstill since it appears that the men in the cars to the left and right were all cheering them on.  With the traffic in front of me moving a long, who was I to miss out on the fun, so for a good 30 seconds, these two women in all of their lesbian fun, caused traffic to a halt entirely over a kiss.  The funniest part was seeing all of the guys look at each other in amazement over what was happening.  It fell just short of guys getting out of their cars to high five one another. 

I finally started moving, and they followed, and over the next 5 miles, at every single stop in traffic, they would start making out again causing many to honk and cheer in approval.  The weird thing was that they didn’t fit any girl on girl stereotype what so ever, which is what really brought on the cheers.  It definitely made slow traffic on the toll way as bearable as it has ever been.  I turned on the radio to hear a traffic report.  I thought they might mention a delay in our section of the toll way and what the reason might be. 
“We have a gapers delay on the Eden’s from skokie rd down to the junction with reports of guys cheering on lesbians who are making out.”  I hope to hear that, but had no such luck.

Eventually I had to exit against my better judgement.  I could have continued as the grand marshall of the lesbian parade, but since it was a trip during the workday, I chose to not continue since I had no idea how far this parade might go on.

Filed under: Car, balloon, boredom, confused, creepy, free porn, weird, work

I know that

I love it when someone points out how incredibly dumb I am while responding to one of my dumb posts. 

I prefaced my garden idea yesterday with a trainwreck statement.  I have planted no less than 80 plants.  I have no real estate to grow them.  My wife and I just bought this super nice patio furniture set so that we can entertain on the deck and now I have to align my excuses as to why I should have the entire balcony for the rainforrest I am about to produce.  “Sorry honey, but the new table and chairs we bought for the deck have to stay in the basement until I sow my tomatoes, radishes (WTF?), onions, jalapenos, and cilantro. I can spare enough room for one chair, but the rest of the deck will become my garden.   This could possibly be the funniest thing I have done in a long time and I am quite excited about my garden adventures over the coming months. 

I will post some photos of my pseudo garden soon so that you can join in on the joke.  I can’t believe I haven’t taken pictures of the critical steps taken thus far.  I already have seeds that are sprouting out of the dirt in less than 48 hours.  I am also baffled that I haven’t killed anything yet. 

This morning finds me giddy not only for my garden, but also at the fact that my wife and I are offically going on a 10 day road trip to Vero Beach Florida in 16 days.  We have been teeter tottering for the last six months about a vacation over the 4th of July but were unsure if her graduate school and my balloon business/day job would allow it.  I definitely could use the mental break from life and sitting on a beach in Florida is just what I need to recharge my batteries and finish summer with a bang.  Nothing like celebrating a 5 year anniversary by spending 4 days in a car and 6 days on a beach.  I wanted to go to North Carolina, the wife wanted Florida, so I negotiated Florida with a day at Disney World since I have never been. 

I win. 

Filed under: Car, Gardeny goodness, balloon, stupid, train wreck, weird, wife, work

Soreness

It’s been almost two full days since we did the Chicago Indoor Racing, and I am sad to admit that I am still sore.  Muscles that I never knew existed are convulsing today.  Did you know that you have a muscle in your stomach below your belly button?  I didn’t, but thanks to Chicago Indoor Racing, I do now! 

For the record, it was a blast.  I just wish that I hadn’t drank so much the night before so that I could have enjoyed the two hours of open bar after the racing.

Out of twenty racers, I qualified for the final 30 lap race and eventually finished 5th.  For a fat guy, that isn’t so bad.  The carts are fast as shit and if I could ever be organized enough to round up 20 friends for a night of fun, it would definitely begin with Chicago Indoor Racing.  What amazes me the most is the technology involved.  You would expect simple go-kart racing that you would get at any old festival or race track.  But these machines are so fine tuned and fast.  While you are not racing you can track what friend is in what cart and their position and how many seconds they are ahead or behind. (runon? Who cares) The coolest part of the whole evening was before I even got out of the racing suit and upstairs to grab my first beer, I was handed a printout that showed my lap splits for all four of my races which highlighted my fastest lap and average lap time.  It also created charts as to what position I began the race vs where I finished, highlighting who I past, or who past me.  Some of our guys had top lap times for the week amongst all racers, which was pretty damn cool. 

After racing we had some incredible food, good drinks, and finished it off with free video games.  I don’t know how much it was per person, but I have to believe that we were around 100.00 per person.  If so, it was so worth it since our team still can’t stop talking about it.  If you ever get a chance to strap yourself in to one of the carts, I recommend it. 

The funniest part of the evening is when you finally decide to leave.  As you walk through the glass door you notice a sign that says “The racing’s now over, be safe as you drive home.” or something to that effect.  I didn’t think about it until I was in my car driving and I had to hold back from cutting corners and swerving around people to get position for the next corner.  

I am looking forward to my next visit. 

After a softball game Monday night, Racing on Tuesday, and another Softball game last night, I am waking like an 80 year old man hoping that it will eventually recover for one of my favorite golf outings of the year tomorrow.

I get to join my dear friend www.stupidtom.com tomorrow for a day of debauchery on the golf course.  My only issue is that I was buttonhooked into twisting balloons at the church ice cream social following the outing, so I have to lay off the hard stuff while I golf.  BoOOOooo.  This outing is traditionally a drunk sprint and I have to wonder how much fun I will have while sipping on a can of beer the whole afternoon.  Oh well.  I can’t recall the exact saying but i’m thinking that a sober day at the golf course beats a drunk day at work…or something like that. 

Filed under: Car, Fatty, Racing, alli, balloon, beer, body, drunk, pain, sore, weird, work

Thanksgiving throw down

Each and every day this week has brought on different crazy adventures that has prevented me from touching on the finer events of this years Thanksgiving bash that I hosted with my banjo card carrying family members.  This week isn’t over yet and I look back on it with such fondness.  It seems like Thanksgiving was a month ago but it has only been a week. 

From the great Goldfish slaughter to the day yesterday that was my birthday, it has been a very long week and I can’t wait for it to end.  I will describe yesterday’s birthday festivities as one of my better birthdays.  I put the over under at two for phone calls from families and friends and I hit it dead on.  My mother called as did my older brother, which was pretty shocking.  What was so great about yesterday is that there was a lack of trauma.  Working yesteday was actually a blessing in disguise because I had what became my best sales day in many months.  It made my month.  I went shopping after work yesterday and bought myself my birthday present.  I signed up for my first department store credit card since I was 18 and hopefully this one won’t end up with a collection bureau like my first one did 13 years ago.  There is a reason that my wife handles all the bills and I am truly thankful for that.  I have many credit cards but no rip off ones like I signed up for yesterday.  I have to admit though, it was a pretty good deal.  15 % off my purchases yesterday at Macy’s and the salesperson even threw in an additional 20% off on top of that if I signed up for one.  35% off of two very expensive pairs of dress shoes left me walking away happy and almost whistling.  I’ll pay off the card and cut it up…….maybe. 

So, let me hit some of the funnier things about Thanksgiving. 

1.  I already hit on the whole flat tire on the expressway thing a few days ago.  My car is still driving weird since I squeezed 8 people in my car.  I don’t think the Chevy people had 8 passengers in mind when they designed the Chevy Prism. 

2.  My little brother brought up Guitar Hero with him for the weekend.  He had all three editions and even brought up two guitar controllers.  I couldn’t figure out why I sucked so much compared to even my 7 year old nephew.  My older brother was way better than me as well, and I take these stupid competitions between my siblings serious.  I couldn’t get the color buttons down in conjuction to the format on the screen.  Everyone else could with ease.  It was finally realized after 3 days of suckage by me that the guitar controller is set up for right handed people to have the color keys lined up with the keys on the screen.  I am left handed so I would have to do everything backwards.  My younger brother finally realized this and did something in the game that switched the colors around for me and that should have fixed it right?  Nope, because for 2 days I had learned to do everything backwards, so I was all sorts of screwed up.  I didn’t have much time to play anyways since I was busy in the kitchen for 4 straight days being the only person that knows how to cook in my family. 

3.  I rocked out on the food for Thanksgiving.  I deep fried a turkey and Brined one as well.  I will honestly say that I doubt I deep fry a turkey again.  I was jealous upon reading Tom’s turkey frying experience www.stupidtom.com because I never thought to throw some damn tater tots in the oil upon completion of the bird.  I never thought to throw anything in, which saddens me.  Anywho, I fry a bird each year because it yields meat that is juicier than what I have ever had.  Until this year.  The Brined turkey body slammed the deep fried one.  I can’t really explain it without putting up a recipe but I bathed the 21 lbs bird in a salt bath with spices, vegetables, fruit and chicken stock.  I let it sit in a bucket outside overnight in the freezing air (sealed of course).  Pulled out the turkey before baking, rubbed it dry, lathered on some butter, stuffed it with celery, spices, and a quartered orange,  and threw it in the oven.  I basted it all of once.  My mouth is watering right now just thinking about it, but it was hands down the most amazing turkey I have ever had.  

I also tackled all of the other accoutremont.  Without ever having made any of it before, it all turned out very well.  For bonus points I even used all of the carcasses and created a pot of turkey soup the day after.  I’ve got mad skillz.  Kitchen stadium, here I come!

4.  My older brother and I were nearly in a fisticuff situation.  In a very dark back corner of the Walmart that my brother’s tire was being repaired at, we were approached by two very slick shady individuals.  Both of the guys were walking towards us very fast and yelled at me to get my attention.  They both came towards me on the drivers side before I got into the car.  The first thing they asked was if I worked at that Walmart.  I said no, and they proceeded to try and sell me a year’s worth of oil changes from National Tire and Battery for 50 bucks.  Every time I would start to say I was not interested, he would cut me off and ask me another question in a very confrontational manner.  He stuck the card out and then said something about having over 50 locations in the Chicagoland area, upon which I said, “sorry but we’re from Bloomington.”  He asked me to look at the locations and the closest was Joliet to Bloomington and I told him I wasn’t going to drive an hour and a half every time I wanted to change my oil.  His response, “What the hell are you doing up here?”  My response, “If you don’t get the hell away from my car and leave me alone I am going to beat the living shit out of you.”  I can say that because my brother is a very highly ranked 3rd degree blackbelt. They didn’t know that, but he had begun to assume the “I’m going to beat you down position.”  They backed off and said they were only trying to offer me a good deal.  If he wasn’t there, I would be the proud owner of a years worth of oil changes.  Then again, if my brother wasn’t there, I wouldn’t have been in that situation anyway.  I called NTB and they don’t have such a program.  Scammers. 

That’s it for now.  Have a great Thursday.

Filed under: Birthday, Car, body, confused, fight, grouchy, pain, scared, stupid, train wreck, weird, wife

Moral dilemmas

Before I tell of my moral battles I would just like to ask the question: What is up with the word muscles?  It would appear that everyone online is searching for muscles.

And the movie “The Last Dragon.”

 

One of my all time favorites. 

On a movie note, I am celebrating today since I have recently discovered that my all time favorite actor will be going back to his “born to play” character.  It’s been a long time and we will soon be united.  The tag line is:  “He is back!”  It’s not Indiana Jones (although I am anticipating that one as well.)

You guessed it! 

Pee Wee! 

Paul Reubens is dusting off the old gray suit and feels that after 16 years the general public doesn’t remember that there was no shame in his game.   I will not lie.  If he has the balls to re-create Pee Wee Herman, then I would pay to see it.  I can’t count the number of times I have been scoffed at by my wife for forcing her to go to sleep to the sounds of Pee Wee’s Big Adventure or Big Top Pee Wee.  I am sad that I just admitted that. 

So, back to my moral issues. 

1.  One of my vendors offered a contest.  The more product you sell the more points you get.  Once the contest is over you can take those points and go to an online website and buy prizes.  I did pretty well and ended up with a lot of points.  Not enough points to get a new HDTV like I wanted, but enough to get a bunch of other fun stuff. 

 

So, one day I was on the site and I noticed that one of the very large HDTV’s was only 3000 points when I thought it usually was 65,000 points.   So, I click on it and realize that this HDTV is really only 3000 points.  I thought at first that they might be having a monster closeout on these TV’s and dropped the price.  It seemed too good to be true.  So, I added 3 to my cart, and checked out.  9000 points and I have 3 very large HD LCD televisions on their way to my house.  In all of my celebration, I called my wife and shared my good fortune.  Sadly, she was not only not as excited as I was, but upset that I was capitalizing on what she thinks was a mistake.  I assured her that it might be a legitimate offer.  She wasn’t having any of it.  She went on to ask me what I should have done instead of ordering.  I think the question was “What woult have been the right thing to do?”  She could have just said “check mate” when she asked that question.  I responded with “Order more than 3?”  Wrong.  I went on to back my argument with a similar story in college that in the end didn’t back my answer but actually hers.  

My Soph year of college at ISU I went into the nearest gas station to pick up 2 30 packs of Bud Lite cans and some smokes.  When the guy rang up the total, the price was astronomically low.  The thirty pack should have been 12.00 but each was ringing up for 3.00 per 30 pack.  I asked him if he was sure that was correct, and he answered with a “wow, man…we must be having a sale!”  I think he was as baked as anyone I had ever seen.  So, being the bargain hunter I was, I said cool, let me get another 2 30 packs.  After carrying 4 30 packs the block and a half back to my fraternity house, I proceeded to tell others.  Before I knew it 4 guys were out the door going to the store with a truck.  They returned with the remaining 30 packs.   20 total.  I asked the guys if the guy behind the register had any clue that the price was wrong in the register. All they said was that the register guy was so excited because he had a beer sale that was over 70.00.  The next day I went back to the gas station to see if they had restocked and I asked an older gentelman who was behind the counter if they had gotten any more Bud Lite can 30 packs in.  He replied with a “you must be one of the smartasses that cleaned us out yesterday.”  I asked if the price was truly a mistake and he went on to say that the attendant that was too stupid to realize the mistake had been let go.  I guess I didn’t feel an ounce of pity at the time for the fool that was too stupid to realize.

After Jeanne repeated the question again, “What would have been the right thing to do?”  I  answered as she requested that “I should have called the company and asked if it was truly a deal or if someone made an error.”  “That way they could have fixed it immediately instead of having a bunch of idiots like me getting Flat Screen HDTV’s virtually for free.”  She is right.  I am an idiot.  I still debate with myself as to whether I made a poor moral decision.  If they have it on the site for the points listed, and I place the order, am I in the wrong?  What’s the difference between that and someone bargain hunting and getting a steal?  The morning after Thanksgiving people will go into stores at 4:00 am all over the country to be the first at the deal busters.  How is this different than that?    

So, I still haven’t received the televisions.  I did receive an email from the comany fulfilling the orders stating that for some reason there was a monsterous backlog on those LCD’s (One again, I have no idea why) and in order to fulfill them within the next 3 months they will be substituting that model with a different model.  Fine by me.  No complaints here.  I will post more if and when the 3 LCD TV’s come.  I also ordered his and hers matching moutain bikes, an Oasis Party table and chair set, a shower clock radio, and a pretty nice iPod 7″ video player/DVD player/docking station.  I haven’t received any of it yet. The bikes are exciting because that is what I got my wife for her birthday a year a half ago, and I am finally delivering on the present.  Hey, better late than never, I say! 

To combat my immoralness, my wife thinks that I should go to church more.  So, this past Sunday, when I tried to sleep in, I was forced to mass by my wife.  No argument here.  I guess this is one of the reasons that I fell in love with my wife from the get go. 

I have two other moral dilemmas but has gone on way too long.  One involving work and another church.  I will fill you in later on those. 

Filed under: Car, Church, achy, beer, body, confused, craigs list, excuse, fight, grouchy, mean, moving, muscles, pain, romance, scared, sore, stupid, train wreck, weird, wife, work

Wa happen?

Can I just say quickly and for the record that I feel as if someone pressed the fast forward button onlife and decided to dump 10 weeks worth of projects on me to be completed in one week?  That is what I feel like. 

I have to look back at the last three days to think about the crazy happenings in the lift of me. 

 

1.  Recumbent bicycles.  What the F?  Who on earth came up with this thought:  “It’s fun to ride a bike, but it would be even funner if I could do it while lying on my back!”  I think my mind can grasp the concept from a health and comfort standpoint.  What doesn’t feel better when you are laying down?  There is no question there.  But my issue is the fact that these recumbent biking retards are riding around the back roads of the chicagoland suburbs as if there are not cars coming from each direction on two lane roads.  If these idiots didn’t put any thought into it, let me.  As a driver during my commute home or to Algonquin on Tuesdays, I drive West.  As I drive west I face the sun as it sets which casts a bright ass glare on my windshield.  It’s hard enough to drive with the sun in your eyes but now I have to contend with my worries about running over a biker that is hard enough to see on a normal bicycle, much less a recumbent bike that gives the rider a total height of 28″ off the ground.  It’s like midgets riding bikes.  I can’t handle it.  I am going to say it now.  If I hit any of you recumbent bastards, I might feel sorry for you for a few minutes, but my sorry will quickly move on to wonder why on earth you felt it would be safe to ride a bike that is hard to see while driving unless you are looking toward the ground.  From here on out I will use the word “recumbent” as an adjective towards someone that I feel is making a stupid decision.  “Man, that Mike is recumbent!”  “Who would smoke a cigarette while pumping gas is beyond me!”  Recumbent bikes are for the gym, home, or forrest preserve, not the highway numbnuts!

2.  My new area of sitting at work is very isolated.  I have no one  that I share space with now, so I can pretty much do whatever I want in my little desk space.  My only issue is that I have been seated within ten feet of the most prominent company gas passer.  On Wednesday he tore ass so loudly that coworkers from 50 feet away were laughing.  This guy takes such pride in trying to tear ass as loud as humanly possible.   I can’t help but laugh my ass off each and every time. 

3.  DirecTV customer service employees are not the brightest people on earth (although a lot of them are sweet with their accent).  I posted about my newfound favor with DirecTV.  Only to set up my superfan supercast this morning and realize that I was not give the Superfan as promised on Tuesday.  I called back into DirecTV and the customer service lady explained to me that the woman that offered me the world on Tuesday didn’t actually make a change on my account other than to actually remove my Sunday ticket without issuing a credit to my account.  So, not only did this lady not come through with her promises, but she screwed me in the process.  Lucky for me, she had left her offer notes in the system or I might have had another go around with a DirecTV cancellation specialist.   

4.  I did the same thing today to Nextel/Sprint.  I called and threatened to cancel.  Not only did they drop my monthly bill 20.00 per month, but they offered me the next 3 months free.  My wife is dumbfounded by my enjoyment in budget crunching.  I just like playing the game. 

Hot weekend ahead.  I drive 8 total hours to twist for 3 hours on Saturday. www.misterd.balloonhq.com  They are definitely making it worth my time. 

Sunday I am yet again missing my beloved NFL Sunday because I will be on a chartered boat out on Lake Michigan fishing for fish that I have never fished before in my life.  I like to fish for bass.  I like the skill in casting.  From what I understand, we just troll along and a fish jumps on the lure.  Then you have to wear out your arms reeling in a fish.  Sounds like fun.  What will make it even more fun is combining beer to that whole transaction.  I guess I can’t be too upset drinking and fishing with a bunch of guys on what is supposed to be a beautiful Sunday. 

Have a great weekend! 

Filed under: Car, achy, balloon, beer, confused, excuse, fish, friend, grouchy, mean, muscles, pain, sore, stink, stupid, train wreck, weird, work

Birdpoop sickness

 

It’s a beautiful cloudy Thursday and I still feel like ass.  I have had a head cold for going on my 6th day and it doesn’t seem to have reached it’s climax yet.  Yesterday I actually took the day off to allow my batteries to recharge and it did absolutely no good.  I felt so ill yesterday that I didn’t even do my typical “lay on the couch and play playstation all day”.  I was too lazy to even get off the couch upstairs to go downstairs to lay on the couch and play video games.  This morning I debated with myself about taking a second day off becuase I feel as though I cheated me out of a day of videogames because of my sickly laziness. How sad. 

So, here is sit, dreading each and every phone call, praying that the day will go by quickly.  I feel like Cameron in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. 

On a positive note, the NFL kicks off tonight.  That alone should be good enough to make me feel better. 

On an even more positive note, it is raining out.  Last Saturday I must have parked my car underneath something that attracted birds or my car offended them because I had no less than 20 bird bombs on my car.  I intentionally parked outside today with the hopes that I would not have to get a car wash this week to remove the excrement that adorns my car. 

Filed under: Car, achy, confused, poop, sleepy, sore

People on Craigslist do not know how to measure a television.

 

George Bush does not like Black people. 

That is what I felt like I said as I typed the title of this mornings dose of bloggery. 

I am sick.  I started feeling sick on Saturday morning and it had grown into a full blown chest and head cold on Saturday evening.  I tried to look back to place blame on any sick individuals I have been around and none came to mind.  It then dawned on me that this is my typical beginning of the school year sickness that my wife drags home each and every start to the school year.  It dawned on me this time that every end of August/beginning of Sept I am sick.  How on earth I have not caught onto this is beyond me since this is the 7th start to the school year that has yielded nothing but misery for me.  I  have actually gone into my electronic calendar for August 16th of 2008 and created a reminder so that I do not forget to overload on vitamins and stop kissing Jeanne. 

She did a good job of taking care of me this weekend.  When I get sick I as much of a little baby as it gets sans crying. 

Yesterday was heaven for a sicko.  My ideal sick day is sitting in front of the TV and watching movies and playing video games.  I felt bad playing video games while Jeanne worked so hard around the house, but how much effort does pushing buttons take while laying on your back covered with 8 blankets? 

Speaking of televisions, let me hit my title.  On Friday I bought my second used television off of craigslist.  Here’s how it went down.  On Tuesday of last week, someone posted a “36 inch” used television at a very good price.  I did not see it until Thursday and emailed that morning asking if it was still available.  I received an email Thursday afternoon saying that I could have it if I promised to drive down to Chicago and pick it up on Thursday during the day.  So, I agreed.  Along with my agreement, I specifically asked her if it was truly a 36 inch television since I was duped last time by a crying big boobed lady into buying a 27 inch television that was advertised as a 36 inch. 

This was my query:

I do want to make sure that you have measured it to be 36”.  Last month I drove down to the city to pick up a 36” and it turned out to be a 27” television and the person selling just thought it looked 36”. 

This was her response:

Yes it is a true 36″ TV  

When I arrived, I was able to see that it was substantially larger than the last TV that I drove down to pick up.  The guy who met me had already unplugged the TV and moved it to the front door.  They were moving that afternoon and needed it out by a certain time.  The guy didn’t give me a chance to plug it in and see if it actually worked, so I was lowered to simply asking him if it worked and taking his word.  I did.  He told me he would help me carry the TV and in my stupidity I decided to try and lift it myself and was able to do so.  a busted pinky and several scratches to the TV later, it was in the back of my car. 

That was one heavy ass TV.  I would guess that it rang in at 150lbs.  The guy kept going on and on about how it took two guys to get it into his place.  The house they lived in was in squalor and after I left I decided that if the TV didn’t work that they needed the money more than I, therefore I wouldn’t be bothered at all.  I had a hunch it worked since as I was closing the car door the guy said “say bye bye to the tv” to his 3 year old and the little boy said “bye TV”.   It made me a little sad since it had become very obvious to me that they were not selling because of not having the room, but because they truly needed the money.  Which made me feel even worst as I drove around the block and disposed of the TV stand that they give me with the TV.  The TV stand looked as if it hadn’t been cleaned in years and had many disturbing stains and marks.  I threw it in someones dumpster. 

As I drove home with my newly acquired used TV I contemplated how on earth I was going to be able to lift this beast up the five feet in the air to place it in the cubby hole that was built in the wall above my fireplace.  After doing my best olympic lifter impression and almost having 150lbs come crashing on top of me, I was able to get it in it’s rightful spot and to my surpise, it worked.  For 2 days I was unable to pull on anything with strength with either hand.  My pinky is still in the process of healing.  

After setting everything up, I went downstairs and grabbed the tape because I thought 36 inches would be a little tighter in the cubby hole and to my horror I discovered that it was only 32 inches.   ARE YOU KIDDING ME????? I officially give up on my quest to buy a used 36 inch television.  I now am the owner of 5 televisions that all work.  I have also realized that if the 32 inch television barely fit into my car, then 36 will not.  So, I am going to take this as a sign that I am not supposed to own another 36″ television.   

For the record:  When measuring a television, you take a measuring tape and measure from the top left of the screen to the bottom right diagonally across the screen.  Or the bottom left to the top right.  Either way works.  It is fromt he corner of the screen to the other corner of the screen.   Not from the corner of the casing to the other corner of the casing.   Fool me once, shame on you…fool me twice, shame on me. 

Filed under: Car, achy, body, confused, craigs list, moving, muscles, pain, sore, train wreck, weird, wife