Gots no time

That’s my overall theme lately.  This past weekend was as big a trainwreck as ever experienced.  I can’t go too much into it, but it did involve open bar/friends wedding.  Some scary shit took place that I regret, and I have created a rule for myself where if I have access to open bar that I will only truly enjoy it if my wife is present to take care of me.  I never liked my liver anyway. 

I scared the crap out of my wife.  There is something about me vomiting in the shower after a night of drinking that she doesn’t agree with so much.  You know how I know I scared the bejeezus out of my wife?  She didn’t talk to me yesterday.  At all.  I sat in a vegatative state trying to recover and prep for Wednesday, and she never said anything to me about what took place the night before. 

Tomorrow is the big day.  I will be performing in front of a total of between 1800-2000 throughout three different performances.  If I don’t screw up and get arrested by the Vernon Hills Police Dept for sucking (they are the ones who hired me) then I have one final performance on Thursday morning.  This date has been looming over my head for the past 5 months.  Every time I have thought about it since they hired me, I would get knots and butterflies in my stomach.  I will truly celebrate (not like this weekend, but emotionally) come Thursday afternoon.  

Wish me luck!  Kill em tiger!  Break a leg!  Whatever they say.  Hopefully tomorrow afternoon I will be able to say that it went as well as I have dreamed.  I will post some pictures after it’s done of my handiwork with balloons. 

 

Filed under: Captain, Cops, balloon, beer, drunk, scared, shower, stupid, train wreck, vomit, weekend, weird, wife, work

Yawn

That pretty much sums up my mood right now.  I am back at my desk.  I am back in the suburbs of Chicago.  Back from the craziness of Las Vegas.  Back from 80 degree warmth.  Back from a lazy river pool that allowed me to get a nice little pre summer tan going.  Back from the place where boobies randomly pop out for no reason other than pure lack of judgement in regards to the amount of material that is needed to secure said boobies.  Back from Vegas. 

I want to go back. 

I missed my wife though. 

I will dedicate a couple of posts over the coming week towards the debauchery that took place on our trip.  I am proud to say that for the 9th time I have gone, I still have not visited a Strip Club in Vegas.  I am a Vegas Strip Club Virgin. 

I won money.  I brought back more than I took, and when you consider how expensive it is out there, that is a big win.  I played table games around 8-12 hours a day.  We did Bottle Service at a club called Body English.  I will discuss that further as well, and back it up with non incriminating photos of the craziness.  (It was a bachelor party after all)  I was in one of the 7 different pools every single day for at least 3 hours.  I managed to get officially drunk 4 different times in a 36 hour period without even getting an hour of sleep.  I bumped into team mates of my favorite baseball team, the Chicago Cubs.  If I had to describe my trip in two words or less it would be: Rock Star. 

So, here I sit at my desk today, nodding off over and over again due to the fact that about right now, in Vegas I would be heading back to my room from the pool for my 3 hour nap in anticipation of doing it all over again this evening. 

I love Vegas.  I’m going back in another 43 days.  I can’t wait. 

Interesting things that occured while in Vegas that I will try and hit on as the week progresses:

Hooters Casino and The Best Man Proposal

Vegas for March Madness

Porn Slappers

Chicago Cub Gamblers

White Pride at the MGM Pool

Sweaty Dennis and the windy boob

MGM Pool Rules Outsmarted

Pai Gow Poker

Dried Squid

Bottle Service at Body English

Filed under: Captain, Cubs, bachelor party, drunk, stripper, train wreck, wife

Happy Women’s History month!

I have to say that.  Happy Women’s History Month.  

My company is doing a whole slew of posters, emails, and banners celebrating this momentous occasion.  Not only looking back at the accomplishments of women in history, but also the sacrifice of the executive women that climbed the corporate ladder to the perch where they sit at this moment within our company. 

I quickly went to Google to find out when is Men’s history month, but it didn’t come up.  Black history month came up.  It’s the month before Women’s history month. 

I must be mistaken because I see nothing on Google.  Maybe it is a less obscure history month? 

With all do respect, where’s our month where we celebrate the wonderful things that men have done? 

These are some of the men that I would dedicate a month to celebrating:

The first man to invent the NFL.

The first man to imagine Tivo.

The first man to patent HD TV.

The first man to be bored enough to create a fantasy league.

Jesus Christ. (He is actually top of this list but I am too lazy to cut and paste)

The first man to snap a picture of a naked women. 

The first man who thought and cheered on his wife towards enhancing her chest. 

The first man to mix hops, barley and water to create beer. 

Captain Morgan.

The inventor of the thong. (maybe I should remember her this month if it was a she?)

Chuck Norris.

Creator of the information superhighway.

Founders of Google.

The inventor of latex for balloons. 

The inventor(s) of billiards and each inventor of the different billiard games I play. 

The inventor of the game Poker. 

Last but not least, my wife’s father.  (for obvious reasons) 

Who would you celebrate during Men’s History month?

Filed under: Captain, balloon, beer, drunk, latex, stupid, thanksgiving, wife, work

Holiday Party Beatdown

I am sitting here in my office this morning trying to figure out if the headache I have is still the remnants of a 48 hour hangover from this weekends festivities. 

If you want to hear about the Friday night Christmas party, go to www.stupidtom.com. He has even uploaded photos as well. 

The party was great.  It was my first time attending this event and I was overly impressed at how well it went.  By the sounds of Tom’s post, there were some issues with the DJ, but I hardly noticed any issue other than the fact that it was 100% wedding music, but I always say that you get what you pay for.  I especially dislike this DJ becuase he has always had a thing for my wife, and I was hoping for a chance to talk to him without my wife being around.  I would prefer that he never talks to her or ever looks at her again.  I can’t really believe that just came out of my mouth…or fingertips in this situation, because I have never been around someone that has creeped me out quite as much as he does.  My wife thinks he is just a sweet guy.  Apparently he was dumped many years back by one of my wife’s friends from high school and he is still hung up on this girl.  Well, this ex girlfriend of the DJ is apparently running for Mrs. Illinois and at the holiday party on Friday night this guy told my wife that she looked better than his ex-girlfriend that is running for Mrs. Illinois.  The weird thing was that he said it to her right in front of me.  I was in shock as he asked her personal questions about where she teaches (specifically what school) and she answered without batting an eye.  I wouldn’t bet against the possibility that this guy might be a few donuts short of a dozen.   This was the fourth event that we have booked him for between church and GOoF, and it will be the last based on his most recent performance and what he has said to my wife.  Maybe he was just trying to be nice, but I still get a scary feeling with this guy. 

The evening came and went entirely too fast and before I knew it the clock struck midnight and we were on our way home. 

Saturday I morphed into my weekend clown and did balloon twisting for a 4 year old party.  The party was held at this brand new pizza place in Elgin, Illinois that just opened up on Friday night.   The roughest part of the event was the fact that I was still hung over and I was trying to entertain a good 20 children.  Even rougher was the fact that this restaurant had a good amount of dust on the cement floors and every time a child would let a creation hit the ground, it would pop.  So, more of my time was spent fixing and remaking than creating. 

Saturday night was Holiday party number two for the weekend and I will try and capture the highlights of the absolute craziness that happened. 

First of all, this was a small gathering of people.  Around 14 people.  And it was a costume party.  You had to dress up as either a character from your favorite christmas movie or some sort of crazy christmas outfit.  Since I was unable to locate a Buddy Elf outfit that fit me or a pink bunny pajama costume with bunny slippers, I was at square one with 2 hours before the party started.  My wife decided that she would be that little girl that says “every time a bell rings, an Angel gets it’s wings…” Zuzu or Zuluu or whatever her name is.  She was cute in her little pajama/robe outfit.  I however, wanted to push the limits of good taste. 

I went as a 70’s Porn Star Santa.  Complete with 70’s Used Car Salesman wig, porn star mustache, fake furry chest hair, bad cheap santa suit, porn star santa sun glasses and my very own dick in a box from Saturday night live.  My description doesn’t do it justice.  Only a photo will. I will do everything I can to get a photo online to demonstrate just how ridiculous my outfit was.  

There was all sorts of craziness that ensued including the host puking and passing out before 11:00pm and I think I remember being on the phone at one point with my sophomore football coach talking about my dick in a box outfit.  (His daughter was at this party and sent him a photo of me from her cellphone.) Many photo’s were taken by many people, and I wouldn’t be surprised to find my photo circulating around the internet before I get it up online on this site, it was just that wrong.  I rode with Captain Morgan at both parties this weekend, and come Sunday morning I felt like the Captain had struck his pose and smashed my head against his raised knee at least a dozen times.  As I was driving to Church Sunday Morning I prayed that I didn’t get pulled over because it might have been possible that my blood alcohol level was still hovering around the legal limit to drive. 

It’s rare that I am excited to be sitting at my desk and back at work, but I am.  This weekend allowed me to appreciate sobriety a little more.  Tonight Sebastian goes in for his one week followup to his last appointment, so I hope the doctor gives me good news.  More to follow on that and I will do my best to get some pictures up as soon as possible. 

Filed under: Birthday, Captain, Church, Cops, achy, balloon, pain, puke, sore, stupid, train wreck, vomit, weird, wife, work

chilly nipple

I laughed out loud when I wrote that title because this just might be the most twisted thing I have written about.  I thought this morning about putting both of these thoughts into two seperate posts so that I do not scare the crap out of my few friends that frequent this page, but I am just going to let it rip and see what happens. 

Last night I was brushing my teeth.  I like to brush in the shower.  I have a ritual when in the shower that I won’t bore you with.  It’s borderline obsessive compulsive.  I even play this game if I am in a rush as to how fast I can get all of my little showering steps done.  Psycho, I know.  But last night, the funniest thing happened.  As I was brushing my teeth (step 12 of the 16 step shower process) (this step immediately follows the knock on the wall 19 times and comes before counting the bars of soap…) but while I was brushing a bit of the toothpaste/saliva dripped on to my left nipple. 

It burned.  In a cool weird kind of way.  Like icy hot.  For like 30 minutes.  I laughed becuase I couldn’t believe that a little toothpaste had that kind of reaction. 

I have no idea why I mentioned that on here, but just in case you ever wanted to know what would happen if you ever rubbed or dripped toothpaste on your nipples, that is it.  I bet that some people might be in to that, and if any of you are reading this and you are, I am borderline with you. 

Christmas came early for me this year.  Free porn is back in my life and in a good way.  I was going through the old mail from a week or so ago and I came across a piece from DirecTV.  It stated that since I have been a loyal subscriber, I was going to be given Cinemax for the month of December.  Having not realized this for the past week, I feel cheated and am currently debating whether I am going to call DirecTV and tell them that I didn’t see the notification letter until now and ask that they extend my free month at least one week into January.  If only my wife enjoyed the free porn as much as I do.  She would have told me about the letter immediately.  It would be neat and strange to have a wife that would come running up to me and say how happy she is that we have Cinemax again for a limited time. I know her excitedness wouldn’t be for the same reason as mine.   Since I have customized what channels appear and don’t appear, I added Cinemax to the options last night. 

Cinemax is trouble anyway.   I can’t count the number of times I would be watching a You’ve got mail or a Star Wars on Cinemax in the bedroom and fall asleep only to be awoken by my wife an hour later asking me why I was watching a show called Coed Confidential, Sin City Diaries..or Busty Models.  Nothing like getting busted for doing something that you weren’t doing in the first place. 

Ahhhh, big weekend ahead.  Tonight and tomorrow night I have Christmas Holiday parties.  Tonight it’s dressy, tomorrow it’s funny attire.  Tonight it’s open bar, tomorrow it’s bring a bottle of whatever you plan on yakking up (I will be on a voyage with the Captain most of the weekend) on Sunday morning.  Sandwiched in the middle of my 48 hour drunkathon are balloon parties (www.misterd.balloonhq.com).  I will have to punish the open bar tonight because I know tomorrow it will punish me while I enterain many children.  Hopefully I will be ok for the festivities tomorrow night.  In the end I know that I will have Sunday after morning church to recuperate while watching football.  At least I don’t have to watch the Chicago Bears suck on Sunday.  Have a great weekend!

Filed under: Captain, Church, Gay, balloon, beer, free porn, funny, latex, stupid, train wreck, weird, wife

Hello??? Is this thing on???

 

Ahhh…Thanksgiving eve.  If you would like to read about how Thanksgiving eve should be celebrated, stop over at my friends page www.stupidtom.com.  I am slightly jealous since this will be my first Thanksgiving as host to a large group of my family.  I have a wife that doesn’t enjoy cooking. I typically don’t mind, because I really don’t enjoy cleaning, so we offset each other pretty well.   This is the first time I wish that wasn’t the case.   It will be my goal to have everything done this evening so that all I have to do is throw a turkey in the oven and drop a turkey in the deep fryer and enjoy some football.  I am even going to attempt to fry the turkey around 10:00 in the morning so that it doesn’t cut into the day.  This will also be the first thanksgiving that I fry a bird in my new subdivision, so I anticipate lots of “look at the redneck” reactions.  I must say that if you have never deep fried a turkey, there is nothing like standing around a big vat of boiling oil with meat in it while drinking your alcoholic beverage of choice and smoking a cigar.  The tip is to ash into the vat and allow the ash to season the skin of the bird…(not really, that’s disgusting.)  If only my family would read that and decide that it might not be safe to come over.

The supernice thing is that the house is immaculate from this past weekends suare, so the only thing I need to worry about is the food. 

Two interesting things to note:

1.  Directv was supposed to arrive at my house this morning and install everything needed to get me to the holy grail of Television. (HD) Once again, I was sadly let down by directv.  This time my let down was a little more gentle than last year since the installer seemed to have a conscience.  The bottom line is that HD did not arrive prior to Thanksgiving and I am a bit weepy.  I spoke with my association and there are some major hoops that involved drawing diagrams, submitting proposals, installing poles, digging trenches, and kissing some ass to get to the holy land.  At one point I almost just said screw the association and let’s get r done, but the last thing I need are fines coming in the mail from people that could make my life a living hell. I have heard association horror stories and I don’t want to be in a starring role for the newest release. 

2. 2 Quick funny stories from last night while Twisting at Red Robin (www.misterd.balloonhq.com)

I go to a table where there is a 7 year old, his mom, his dad, his older brother and Grandma.  The child asks for a dragon.  I am down with that.  A dragon?  No problem.  While chatting with the family about the whole “how did you learn this?” story, the child looks up at me and asks me if the dragon will be able to fly if he throws it in the air.  I explain that it could fly if he pretends.  He then asks what if he takes it outside and throws it in the air.  I said that it could fly if it is windy out.  He then asked if he sat the dragon on the table would it fly to the ceiling?  I answered and said “If this dragon flies to the ceiling you should probably stay off the drugs….”  (criket sounds…cricket sounds) I looked at mom and dad and they didn’t smirk a bit.  It had just dawned on me that I had joked with a 7 year old about drugs.  Yikes!

I walked up to a seperate table of children that were very nicely dressed with two mom’s that were dressed very nicely as well.  As I got close, I said “You guys win the best dressed table award, what are you celebrating tonight?”  to be followed by the mom saying “A funeral.” 

After feeling bad for about 15 minutes and telling that story to a few other tables, another woman tried convincing me that I shouldn’t feel bad because if they really missed whoever died that they wouldn’t have been at Red Robin afterwards.  Interesting perspective. 

Have a happy turkey day!

Filed under: Captain, Sunday John, balloon, grouchy, mean, stupid, thanksgiving, train wreck, turtle, weird, wife

Weekendactingangrydrinkyfun

So I have been in the office for an hour and a half this morning and I would guestimate that I have nodded off no less than 5 times already.  I am sleepy.  Recovery from the weekend has been slow at best.  The weekend started off great.  Friday night I attempted to assist with a church function where I dressed and acted like a Prophet (Moses).  The ball was humorously dropped when it was realized that my cue had been taken by a fellow actor and I missed about 2 minutes of stage time.  All the while, the “director” was trying to get my attention.  I was distracted by the fear and sweat that had quickly developed upon realization that my friend and I screwed up.  Oh, and the fact that stupidtom (www.stupidtom.com) was laughing hysterically when he saw that we messed up was a slight bit distracting as well.  I would say that every time I think I have hit the “embarrasment wall” weeks later I plow through it to find another wall just past the previous one.  I guess that it is church, and if you are going to embareass (spelled that way because that is how I felt infront of 400 people after the mixup) yourself, there is no better place.  The funnier part of the performance was upon the completion of the bit where the other guilty party in the ball drop finished, it appeared that several people got up and left as if to say, “If we only had tomatoes!” 

I was so put off by the errant performance that I decided to join the guys for a beer after our performance.  The tough thing about the beer was the prior to the church event my wife and I specifically agreed that since we had company coming over on Saturday that I should come home upon completion of the debacle to help out.  Long story short, I discovered a new voice that I had never heard before from my wife.  She was so angry that even without talking I could hear her seething through the phone.  I promised to get up at the crack of dawn on Saturday so long as I could stay out for a few beers.  And I did just that.  Up at 6:30 scrubbing toilets.  Good stuff. 

After 12 straight hours of non stop cleaning fun, our house was finally in tip top shape to have a dinner party.  I ran to the store where I bought the appetizers, alcohol, and dinner.  I thought I had bought enough alcohol for this weekend and Thanksgiving, but I was wrong.  One of the husbands in attendance appeared to be a bigger captain drinker than I and we put back 3/4 of a handle of Captain.  It was a good night.  We had 2 other couples in attendance and everyone had fun.  The evening wrapped up around midnight after we had all drank entirely too much. 

Sunday I think I might have left the couch long enough to set up what I call the NFL Experience. (Where I get multiple TV’s going for multiple NFL game viewing) 

The NFL experience yesterday was highlighted by the fact that all of our fun food from Saturday night was left over.  It’s not often that I get to sit on my ass watching football making Homer Simpson noises while swallowing shrimp.  Especially when I am home alone.  Shrimp, dips, desserts, and Pizza all met their demise to the evil that is my growing gut during the NFL experience.  I have to do my best to get that crap out of the fridge for the coming holiday that is Thanksgiving. 

Tonight I get to go to the grocery store and buy everything for not only thanksgiving but also to feed my two brothers, sister in law, and five nieces and nephews for 5 days and 4 nights.  I will put the over/under at 300.00 for groceries.  I don’t really know what I am in for later this week.  It was nice that the Captain and I had some time to get acquainted on Saturday because I have a feeling he and I are going to be hand in hand starting Wednesday night all the way through Sunday.  I wouldn’t be surprised to hear any and all of my nieces and nephews ask a family member why Uncle Dennis is sleeping in the closet again while cradling a large bottle. 

Filed under: Captain, Church, achy, beer, confused, grouchy, scared, weird, wife