The silent assassin strikes again

I feel sick to my stomach at this precise moment.  Why is it that the people I enjoy working with quit and the douchebags that I can’t stand continue to taunt me in my workplace?  I started working for the man three years ago and when I started I had a crew of friends that I went through training with who became the closest things to friends that I had at my place of work.   Eventually, one by one they left leaving me seriously with not nearly someone I would remotely consider a friend at my office.  On top of that, instead of being seated in a “quad” cubicle arrangement, I was placed in a “solo” cube with my back to a window, therefore I am as isolated as it gets in a cloth walled farm.  I go days without the interaction of another human other than the clients I serve over the phone.  I have taken on the role of what I consider a ghost in my office, which I could debate the many positives and negatives in astouding fashion.  The good thing is that I can come and go anytime I please and no one is the wiser.  The bad thing is that I don’t interact with anyone on my team, leaving me to be “that weird guy”.  Maybe I’m not “that weird guy” but I get the vibe that maybe I am.  My nickname on my team is “The silent assassin”.  They call me that because sometimes when they do team emails and people start ripping each other, I usually come up with a doozie to which you can hear everyone start laughing out loud and say “The silent assassin strikes again!” I don’t know what it is but when I have a few moments to think along with the aide of google images, I can pretty much email slam anyone.  Maybe that’s why no one talks to me.  Hmmmm….

All of this has been brought out by one of the last few people that I truly enjoyed working with walking out today.  I didn’t even know he was leaving, nor did he say goodbye, which tells you how close we were.  He sat a few desks over from me and he was truly the heart and sole of our team.  Always good for comedy relief and probably one of the most liked reps in our company.  He was the guy that would tear ass as loud as he possibly could just to be funny regardless of who could hear.  No holds barred.  The only good that will come of his departure is the massive book of business that will be chopped up and passsed along to the rest of us.  It was interesting to see how he walked out with his box at 11:30 and by 11:35 people were swarming to take wall clips, and vendor stuff that he left behind. 

Beyond that, there is nothing like starting the New Year off with a week chock full of church meetings.  This year hasn’t gotten off to the start that I had hoped, so I am going to be making some changes. 

I have a ton of fun stuff to share about my quest from Christmas through New Years Eve, and hope to begin that over the next few days.  

I am sad to report that I finished reading my first novel as an adult.  Outside of reading the bible, I haven’t picked up a book since I was 22. (That’s the sad part) It’s been more than 10 years since I sat down and began reading something other than a magazine.  I forgot how relaxing it is to get lost in a good book.   I did finish reading Max Tuckers I hope they serve beer in Hell, but I wouldn’t quite consider that a novel. In 5 days I tore through a Dean Koontz book called The Eyes of Darkness.  I am now a big fan.  Thankfully my wife has been reading his books for many years, so I have an instant library of more than 10 of his books at my disposal to devour over the coming year.  I don’t know if this is a sign that I am getting old or not, but I might be inclined to believe so. 

Oh well…back to the grind.  I’ve got to keep being quiet so no one at my office figures out that I’m a pretty fun person.

Filed under: Livin the dream, New Year, boredom, fart, friend , Silent Assassin

A funny thing happened on the way to the city

My day today has been full of work meetings combined with a much needed trip downtown to pick up what I have come to learn is an elusive object.   I have always known that I have a big head.  It has only been an inconvenience when trying to buy fitted baseball caps since the largest size I am able to find is usually one size too small for my nogin.   A month ago I was booked to twist balloons for a candy company that I won’t name, but can say that there have been two movies (one older and a newer remake) made about this candy company.  www.iloveballoonanimals.com

So, the interesting thing about this booking is that I am not allowed to wear my typical “Cubs” garb as I normally do when twisting balloons.  This company is requiring that I and the other woman that is entertaining with me to be in “character” or “clown”.  The big problem is that I am not a clown, nor have I ever been such.  Having a not so great history of being a fan of clowns, this whole thing will be a very interesting experience.  So, this Saturday morning, I will be unveiling “Dapper”.  My new clown persona. 

Dapper spawns from the fact that I am going to try and be as non creepy as possible.  I will be wearing tuxedo pants, colorful shirt, home made balloon cuff links, Black suspenders, a balloon bow tie,  a top hat with a balloon flower on it, and just a bit of make up on the face.  It should be good enough to pass as a clown without being a real clown.  I will have to post photos once I have them for feed back. 

Wow…what happened…back to my oversized melon.  During my quest for a top hat, it has come to my attention that I have the largest head there is.  24″.  I don’t think that means I am extra smart, but I can say it has been a burden trying to locate a top hat that fits my brain.  After seriously two weeks of searching, I was only able to locate one in the ENTIRE Chicagoland area.  So on my drive down to city to pick up the ten gallon sized top hat, I looked in my rear view mirror and noticed two women sitting side by side in an SUV right behind me.  We were in stop and go traffic on 94 heading south, when I looked up again a few moments later to hear honking and men screaming out the window.  As I looked at the car, I noticed that the two women behind me were kissing, causing a serious amount of traffic to come to a standstill since it appears that the men in the cars to the left and right were all cheering them on.  With the traffic in front of me moving a long, who was I to miss out on the fun, so for a good 30 seconds, these two women in all of their lesbian fun, caused traffic to a halt entirely over a kiss.  The funniest part was seeing all of the guys look at each other in amazement over what was happening.  It fell just short of guys getting out of their cars to high five one another. 

I finally started moving, and they followed, and over the next 5 miles, at every single stop in traffic, they would start making out again causing many to honk and cheer in approval.  The weird thing was that they didn’t fit any girl on girl stereotype what so ever, which is what really brought on the cheers.  It definitely made slow traffic on the toll way as bearable as it has ever been.  I turned on the radio to hear a traffic report.  I thought they might mention a delay in our section of the toll way and what the reason might be. 
“We have a gapers delay on the Eden’s from skokie rd down to the junction with reports of guys cheering on lesbians who are making out.”  I hope to hear that, but had no such luck.

Eventually I had to exit against my better judgement.  I could have continued as the grand marshall of the lesbian parade, but since it was a trip during the workday, I chose to not continue since I had no idea how far this parade might go on.

Filed under: Car, balloon, boredom, confused, creepy, free porn, weird, work

I am bored and I like it

For the first time in a very long time, things have come to a screeching halt.  After months of commitment every single night of the week, I am free.  Last night, for the first time this Summer, I was home before 9pm.  I didn’t know what to do with myself. 

Last weekend I went camping for the first time in over 10 years.  We went up to the Warren Dunes in Michigan.  It was camping, but it wasn’t.  We slept in a tent, that is true.  We cooked over fire, that is true as well.  But the bottom line is that we didn’t have to “rough it” like one might think when thinking of the word “camping”.  The campsites are called “modern” according to Warren Dunes for good reason.  A cellular signal was had, there were showers and bathrooms that I was overly impressed with considering the amount of visits that both get throughout the day.  There was a little trading post store that you walked to where you bought wood, which was different for me since I am used to scavenging through the woods to provide fuel for the fire.  I think the hardest part of camping was the damn mosquito’s.  At one point, I caught a mosquito making sweet, sweet, mosquito love to my ankle.  I have a line of no less than 8 bites in a row to prove it.  I would guestimate that I was bitten no less than 80 times, with the crowning bite being right in the middle of my forehead. 

I had been looking forward to camping for more than 6 months since that was how long it had been since we had reserved the site.  Sadly, what was most exciting to me was the food possibilities.  I am a fan of food, and a bigger fan of food that is grilled.  I love to cook, and when you give me free run of cooking whatever I want over a flame, I am going to go crazy.  I was busy last week compiling my menu for the three days.  I took the propane fueled turkey fryer as well to experiment with some super secret recipe’s that I have thought about.  I ended up making all of these things for the first time while camping that will be re-duplicated at home now that they went over well.  I must caution you before you read on since the following descriptions read like a Penthouse Forum book to a fat person that loves food. 

Home made potato chips-  My goodness.  For my first attempt at potato chips, they were unbelievably amazing.  Crispy, light brown, salty.  I have decided that I will never buy store bought chips again, since one 10lb bag of potato’s can create so many potato chips. 

Beer battered onion rings- These turned out good, but can definitely be improved.  You should use a dark beer for the batter, but all I had was miller lite, and flour that expired in 2004. (Doh!)  By the last couple of batches, the heat had cooled and they were a bit crispier, but they were still awesome for my first go. 

Eggs Nest breakfast. (Sausage, with a ring of hash browns, eggs in the middle covered with cheese)  I wanted to dump sausage gravy on top, but this breakfast didn’t turn out as well as it should have.  I didn’t have a cooking spray to coat the foil, and had double foiled it, so what should have taken less than a half hour turned into almost lunch.  I thought it was ok, my wife loved it. 

Boiled Omelets.  This one surprised me.  I boiled water in the huge pot for the Turkey fryer.  I took zip lock baggies and filled them with Ham, Musrooms, Onions, Green Pepper, Eggs, and american cheese.  Squish the bag and shake it until everything is mixed and the eggs are seriously scrambled.  Drop the sealed bags into boiling water, and within 10 minutes, you dump out the bag onto your plate and you have one of the most amazing breakfasts ever.  I one upped it and boiled a bag of western style hash browns as well.  In hindsight, I would have boiled a bag of canned sausage gravy as well, but it was still amazing.  I don’t know what it is about food that get’s me.  

I am entirely too excited about what I ate, and I know it.  Sorry to take you on this weird ride.  It just dawned on me that the last few minutes of typing is exactly why I will never be thin. 

Finally, one last food tidbit.  For the first time in my life, I had a smore.  Not that this is a crowning achievement, but at the age of 31, firsts don’t come that often anymore.  The group we were camping with couldn’t fathom a person at the age of 31 never having had a smore before, so I busted out the sob tale of mommy and daddy caring more about room in the coolers for beer than chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers on childhood camping trips.  Violin sounds could be heard in the background. 

That’s it.  It’s been to few and far between posts, so I will try and shorten them up and make them more frequent.  As I mentioned, there have been some life changing events lately, and I will elaborate in time. 

Have a great remainder of the week!

Filed under: Fatty, Overcommitment, Vacation, boredom, confused, stupid, weekend, weird, wife

Blah, Blah, Blah…

I hate to say it, but life right now is about as boring as it gets.  I would classify it as the calm before the storm. 

I fell hard off my “ride the snake” bandwagon.  I was still eating somewhat healthy, but since I got back from my trip to Vegas I haven’t been nearly as motivated as I was prior to.  I jumped back on this week and am going at it harder than before.  I started the second phase of my supplemental campaign and started taking Creatine in addition to Hydroxycut and Meal replacement drinks.  I am beginning to survive solely on liquids and the weird thing about it all is that I am never really hungry any more.  Here is a snapshot of my food for yesterday, and I feel gay talking about this because the bottom line is that this new diet is about as unmanly as it gets. 

Breakfast:  half a cup of low fat yogurt.  Yep, I said it, LOW FAT yogurt.  WTF you say?  Me too.  For three months I was eating regular yogurt.  Then I asked my wife to pick up my usual two vats full of yogurt a week, and she came home with low fat yogurt.  It tastes a little like yogurt, but not.  If I can enter a weird moment with you, I would classify it as tasteless spooge.  If served warm I would have to question my sexuality.  I still do while I eat it anyway…

I take Hydroxycut Hardcore and fishoil with breakfast. 

Around 10am I will have half of a meal replacement shake.

Around noon, I will have the other half of the meal replacement shake.  I also will take the creatine at this point. 

Around 4 I take my second hydroxycut and fish oil for the day in prep for either the gym or twisting balloons for the evening. 

If I get to the gym, I will get a health shake for dinnner post workout. 

When I get home I take my second dosage of creatine. 

That’s it.  That is what enters my body on a daily basis other than the a standard meal here or there when I get to sit down with my wife which isn’t that often.  This lifestyle was so hard at first, since my true love in life was to eat good food.  And good food is anything that is bad for you.  But, my body has grown used to the fact that I can’t do that any longer. 

Last night at the gym, I was on an eliptical machine next to a guy that smelled like a bag of asses.  Just thought I would put that out there.  I have to begin scrutinizing who I get on a machine next to because I seriously at one point put the towel over my nose and pretended to wipe my face for a good 10 minutes to complete my workout.  In all seriousness, the smell was as if he had sweat for two days straight without using any sort of deodorant, combined with crapping his pants while he worked out.  I thought about it for a good minute that thought that I should have earned a metal for staying next to him for as long as I did, and I will remember that guy in the future to save my lungs from breathing in the wretched stench that this guy emitted. 

On a final gym note, there is a total tranny that works out at my gym.  It’s great.  He/she has hair like a woman, wears makeup like a woman, dresses like a woman, has fake boobs like a woman, but has a weiner.  He/she is ripped, too.  In better shape than 90 percent in the gym.  What amazed me most was that He/she was wearing spandex that explicitly drew attention to his package.  I honestly looked around to see if cameras were rolling because I might be on some sort of joke show. 

I just finished a booked called “I hope they serve beer in Hell” by Tucker Max.  I will share some of my thoughts soon on that.  My best friend Schief is the man behind the Fukudometer and is beginning to get international fame because of a name he slapped on cardboard as well as some Japanese numbers.  It’s quite funny really. 

 

 

 

Filed under: Boobies, Cubs, Exercise, Schief, bag of asses, balls, body, boredom, fat, muscles, ride the snake, smelly, stink, weird

Food is my new porn

Throughout my recent weight loss quest, I have given up on food that is bad for me.  Now the term “bad for me” could mean several different things.  It could be truly good for me to eat while I am eating it, but it will not yield the appropriate results for my epic battle against the evil fat that lives within my body. 

I still think and will always think that God played the greatest joke on humanity when he made food that tastes good bad for you and food the tastes bad very good for you. 

I love the fact that my gym has little 15″ LCD televisions on every single cardio machine so that I can channel surf while I work out, but I never realized how much advertising is on the television for fast food restaurants.  I have debated with the idea of putting a comment in the box that they should implement some sort of technology that will edit out all of the food commercials while I work out.  It truly is torture. 

Go to this blog: http://www.thefoodpornographer.com/

Looking at their food dishes is hotter to me right now than looking at naked women.  It really is. You might think I am joking, but I am not.  I don’t know what that says about me.  Maybe it says that I can’t succeed in my lifestyle change.  I could sit here and stare at all of that good tasting food all freaking day.  I couldn’t find a photo of the people that run this blog, but I would have to imagine that they are very fat people.  If they have eaten the food that is in every single image (over 6,100) then I would put them high on the list of potential heart attack victims.  Not that I am judging, but that food just looks so damn good….

Filed under: Blog, Blogroll, Cry baby, Exercise, Fatty, body, boredom, fat, weird

Well the weather outside is…

About as bad as it gets. (Frightful?)

Today I am bored out of my skull.  I distinctly remember saying that earlier today out loud and realizing that if I were a manager, I might not like hearing an employee say how bored they were.  But it is true.  I am sitting at my desk twiddling thumbs and organizing my new wallet.   None of my customers have been in this week.  The week between Christmas and New Years is always dead.  I have taken a couple of days off to stretch my own holiday, but I guess I would rather not waste my own vacation days until I can actually dip my toes in an ocean or double down on eleven when the dealer shows  six at 8:00am in the morning after a night out on the Vegas strip.   Besides, these days allow me to actually catch up from the craziness that is the first half of December. 

I had an ultra sound done yesterday, and they didn’t do it on my stomach.  I can’t go to far into it, but the doctor found a mass in one of my giggle berries.  I wish I could just go all out on a post where I explore many different viewpoints about having a strange man squirt goo all over your testicles and proceed to rub a microphone all around while snapping photos on some expensive electronic equipment.   My scrotum sounds like a baby.  I could hear the heart beat and everything.  I could take every thought and turn them this way and that and really dig deep, but I won’t. 

I will say that it was ultrasound amateur hour.  I was intentionally scheduled with a male ultrasound technician because they wanted me to be comfortable.  I was shocked upon entering the mood lit room to find a woman waiting.  I was introduced to her and told that she is training and would be “sitting in” on her first male ultra sound.  Great.  So, I laid down, the guy did his thing, and upon completion he stood up and asked me if I would mind the lady giving it a whirl for the first time.  “Why not?” I answered.  I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe we should call out to Dorris and Betty out at the front counter and see if they wanted to give it a go as well.  So, I laid there while a woman that wasn’t supposed to even be in the room played with my balls as an educational experience.  Good times.   

The new year is upon us.  This will be my first year at disappointing myself (resolutions).  The list is growing.  Ever since I decided to try out the New Years Resolution thingy, it seems that everything that I do wrong in life has turned into something that I am going to fix as of January 2nd.  (Not January 1st, because who wants to start a diet/stop drinking/quit farting/stop smoking/stop picking his/her nose/stop watching free porn on a day known for binge eating/drinking?)

So, come January 2nd, I will magically turn into a new man.  More to come on the magical change that will/won’t happen.  Have a safe and happy New Year celebration. 

Filed under: Gay, balls, boredom, confused, excuse, fart, free porn, grouchy, mean, scrotum, stupid, train wreck, weird, wife, work