Blah, Blah, Blah…

I hate to say it, but life right now is about as boring as it gets.  I would classify it as the calm before the storm. 

I fell hard off my “ride the snake” bandwagon.  I was still eating somewhat healthy, but since I got back from my trip to Vegas I haven’t been nearly as motivated as I was prior to.  I jumped back on this week and am going at it harder than before.  I started the second phase of my supplemental campaign and started taking Creatine in addition to Hydroxycut and Meal replacement drinks.  I am beginning to survive solely on liquids and the weird thing about it all is that I am never really hungry any more.  Here is a snapshot of my food for yesterday, and I feel gay talking about this because the bottom line is that this new diet is about as unmanly as it gets. 

Breakfast:  half a cup of low fat yogurt.  Yep, I said it, LOW FAT yogurt.  WTF you say?  Me too.  For three months I was eating regular yogurt.  Then I asked my wife to pick up my usual two vats full of yogurt a week, and she came home with low fat yogurt.  It tastes a little like yogurt, but not.  If I can enter a weird moment with you, I would classify it as tasteless spooge.  If served warm I would have to question my sexuality.  I still do while I eat it anyway…

I take Hydroxycut Hardcore and fishoil with breakfast. 

Around 10am I will have half of a meal replacement shake.

Around noon, I will have the other half of the meal replacement shake.  I also will take the creatine at this point. 

Around 4 I take my second hydroxycut and fish oil for the day in prep for either the gym or twisting balloons for the evening. 

If I get to the gym, I will get a health shake for dinnner post workout. 

When I get home I take my second dosage of creatine. 

That’s it.  That is what enters my body on a daily basis other than the a standard meal here or there when I get to sit down with my wife which isn’t that often.  This lifestyle was so hard at first, since my true love in life was to eat good food.  And good food is anything that is bad for you.  But, my body has grown used to the fact that I can’t do that any longer. 

Last night at the gym, I was on an eliptical machine next to a guy that smelled like a bag of asses.  Just thought I would put that out there.  I have to begin scrutinizing who I get on a machine next to because I seriously at one point put the towel over my nose and pretended to wipe my face for a good 10 minutes to complete my workout.  In all seriousness, the smell was as if he had sweat for two days straight without using any sort of deodorant, combined with crapping his pants while he worked out.  I thought about it for a good minute that thought that I should have earned a metal for staying next to him for as long as I did, and I will remember that guy in the future to save my lungs from breathing in the wretched stench that this guy emitted. 

On a final gym note, there is a total tranny that works out at my gym.  It’s great.  He/she has hair like a woman, wears makeup like a woman, dresses like a woman, has fake boobs like a woman, but has a weiner.  He/she is ripped, too.  In better shape than 90 percent in the gym.  What amazed me most was that He/she was wearing spandex that explicitly drew attention to his package.  I honestly looked around to see if cameras were rolling because I might be on some sort of joke show. 

I just finished a booked called “I hope they serve beer in Hell” by Tucker Max.  I will share some of my thoughts soon on that.  My best friend Schief is the man behind the Fukudometer and is beginning to get international fame because of a name he slapped on cardboard as well as some Japanese numbers.  It’s quite funny really. 

 

 

 

Filed under: Boobies, Cubs, Exercise, Schief, bag of asses, balls, body, boredom, fat, muscles, ride the snake, smelly, stink, weird

Hi, is that your boob?

First things first.  I have to get two things off my chest, and as I sit in cubicle hell, I want to stand up on my desk and yell.

1.  Barack Obama went bowling.  Or did he?  He bowled a 37 in front of hundreds of onlookers who all joked with how bad he was at bowling.  His excuse? It’s been 30 years since he put on bowling shoes.  I hate to say it, but whoever in his campaign thought that doing something for fun to drum up votes should be kicked in the groin.  I know that they were probably trying to do something that fellow Pennsylvanians could relate to, and putting on a jersey and hoop shorts wouldn’t work.  So, what else could he do?  Bowling? People in Pennsylvania love their bowling.  I don’t know what is sadder, the fact that Barack was so bad, or the fact that the only recreational thing he could think of to relate to people in that state includes a sport that is best enjoyed with a beer in one hand and a mustard/grease stain on the shirt. 

2.  For all of you DVR owners, be sure to set it to record the Today show on Friday.  Cause the New kids on the block are back!  And to think that after all these years, my prayers weren’t being heard. 

Here they are in their early 40’s/late 30’s.  I don’t know if New kids on the block will work any longer.  Maybe Old Guys in Denial who need money is a better description.  Of all the bands that I have dreamt of seeing a reunion, this one just might be ranked in the 3-4 hundred range (being nice). 

Now that I got that off my chest, back to Vegas.  After the best man proposal and drinking in the pool for a few hours, we got dressed and met one of our friends parents at the Bellagio for Dinner.  After dinner we were walking back to the MGM when I decided that I was going to pick up some water/Gatorade for the room since we never have enough on past trips.  The two others head back to the hotel while I swing in and decide that it would be a good idea to get a case of bottled water and three big big bottles of gatorade.  I don’t know what I was thinking because that was a shit load of liquid for one man to carry.  No big deal, since MGM appeared to be right in front of me. 

Let me pause this story for just a moment.  If you have not been to Vegas, let me explain something.  Just because something looks to be right in front of you, doesn’t mean it is.  Due to the gigantism of the hotels out there, many a times have I looked at something and said “let’s walk” only to realize that it was a bad idea after walking for an hour and only being half way there.  For any of you who have been, you know what I am talking about. 

Back to the story.  I decide to go boom box with my case of water and throw it up on my shoulder.  Three bags in the other hand.  Walking along, and I get maybe a good 300 yards away when I realize that i’m not as close as I thought.  So, I set everything down and take a breather, not wanting to break a sweat since I am already dressed for what should be a crazy ass night.  I continue this time putting the bottle on my other shoulder and moving on,  but the other arm begins to burn much faster.  So, I stop again.  Shit, I started sweating.  I take another break.  5 breaks later, I finally see a side entrance to the casino and wondered if it would be unlocked.  I head over and by now my Calvin Klein baby blue starched dress shirt has mega sweat rings formed under my arm pits, and I start to feel sweat seeping into the shirt on my chest and stomach.  I looked like I just ran a freaking marathon when I have walked all of half a mile.  As I approach the door with case of water on shoulder and sweat showing, the door opens up and out walks this guy followed by a woman.  They were all dolled up for a night on the town and I look over and see a limo waiting for them.  She was wearing one of those tops that is super loose and the neck line plunges down to the navel area, left with hanging collar that covers the boobs.  You know what I am talking about. 

As she pushes the door open, something about the way she stretched out one arm combined with a sudden gust of wind that just opened up the left side of her top causing one of the most glorious boobs to just pop out. 

I don’t say glorious because it was a nice boob, because I am married and I truly only enjoy the site of my own wife’s boobies, but I describe it as glorious because any time you are witness to an unexpected boob exposure, it is truly a glorious experience.  I digress…

As the wind blows, she feels that her breast is exposed, and by now I am just staring with a smile on my face.  She quickly fixed her top.  I quickly turn around to see that the guy is already getting into the limo and is a good distance away, when I utter “nice boobie” to her as I walk through the door.  I wish I would have had more time to have said something like, “very nice” or “thanks for the show” or ”those aren’t fake” but “nice boobie” was all I could conjure with such short notice. 

I continued on my sweaty way up to the room looking back frequently for a man ready to punch me for my comment, but there was no such encounter.  It was at that moment that I knew I was in for a good night. 

Filed under: Barack Obama, Boobies, bachelor party, beer, free porn, memories