taxpayer rant and the balloon profiteer

Well, we have a new president.  I have serious mixed feelings about the whole thing since I kind of like him and I kind of don’t.  I also despise the fact that so much tax payer money is being wasted on security for the inaguration.  150 million just on security was a figure I had heard this morning on the radio.  I don’t know the accuracy of that figure, or the truth behind the statement that 10 times the amount is being spent on security for this inaguration than any before.  It is my opinion that while the country is in such a dire state that the lavish parties should go.  If 150 million alone is being spent on security for this one event, how much is being spent on all of the balls,  parties, and concerts.  Who’s paying the bill there as well?  The tax payers I have to assume.  Don’t get me wrong, I believe that we should celebrate our first African American President, but is it worth the hundreds of millions of tax payer dollars? 

I say no.  Not because I didn’t vote for Barack.  But because that money could have been routed to the poor, homeless, unemployed, uninsured, unmedicated, elderly, or handicapped.  Do you know how many people that much money feeds?  I’ll get down off my soapbox now, but i’ll just say that I am ill from seeing and hearing about how wasteful our government is.  Apparently my wife doesn’t feel the same was as I do on this issue. 

(akward silence)

(crickets chirping)

To end this in a not so angry way, I’ll share with you a  funny story that came out of my balloon twisting session www.iloveballoonanimals.com this past Friday night at Nero’s Pizza. 

Around two months ago I was twisting balloons in the bar area of the restaurant and I received a request from a child who wanted a rifle made out of balloons.  Typically I don’t make guns out of balloons for kids, because the last thing I need on my conscience is to get word that my balloon gun was mistaken for a real one and someone got shot because of it.  Not that you could easily mistake a balloon for a gun, but I am good at balloon twisting and from a distance they do look remotely real.  Anywho, since the child’s father was with him and he approved, I began to twist this rifle with scope for the boy.  Ten minutes later I had created something that looked pretty similar to a balloon rifle and the child was amazed with what had become of air and latex right before his very eyes.  At the next table I visited, having seen the rifle created, a request was put in for another one.  So, another 10 minutes later,  a second balloon rifle was born. 

10 minutes is a long time to spend on one creation.  Typically I spend 2-3 minutes per item and move on. 

15 minutes later, a rather large group arrived for a post basketball game party.  The group included 15 children with ages ranging from 7-15.  Well sure enough, the older boys see the rifle that I had made and had to have one.  With a group that size and with the time that Nero’s pays me to entertain (2 hours) I can not afford to spend 10 minutes on a creation for one child in a group of that size or else I will not get to other children waiting.  So, I told him that I do not have time to make the rifle for him since I could see that not only he wanted it but other boys in the group wanted one as well.  The other children got over it pretty quickly, but the oldest boy would not move on even after I made him a huge hillarious balloon hat.  So, after about 30 minutes I finished with all of thie children in this particular group and made my way to the other side of the restaurant. 

When out of the corner of my eye I see the kid who had to have a rifle running around the restaurant holding one of the balloon rifles from earlier.  It was time for me to go and I never found out how he got that balloon rifle…until last friday night.

I walked up to a table of regulars and said hello and asked what the youngsters would like me to make them, and the older boy said “Do you remember the rifle you made for me a few months ago?”  “Yes, I do.” I replied.  Those rifles took me a long time.  “Do you know what happened to mine after you left?” he asked me.  Typically when a child asks me if I know what happened to their balloon after I make it for them, the answer is “It Popped!” So, I said, “It Popped?”  “No, I sold it.” 

“You sold it?”  I asked.

“Yes” as he began to giggle. 

“Who did you sell it to?”

“There was an older kid who wanted one really badly.”

“How much did you sell it to him for?”

“Ten bucks.” 

“So, let me get this straight…I spent 10 minutes twisting you this awesome rifle that you had to have, and you turned it over for ten bucks within an hour of me making it for you?”

“giggles” 

If the kid would have simply said “I’ll give you ten dollars if you make me a rifle” I might have made one for him.

Filed under: Barack Obama, Vote, balloon, bitchy, grouchy, stupid, train wreck

Rainman

Last night I brought my wife to tears and I feel just absolutely horrible thinking about it.  Upon my arrival home for what I thought would be a fun evening together, I recommended that we go for a bike ride.  She agreed and off we went. This is the second bike ride that she and I have ever been on, and the 78 degree temp in mid october felt like it was summer.  We had a nice hour long bike ride through the neighborhood, and arrived home in time for me to begin dinner and prepare for Monday Night Football. 

On Mondays I like to cook dinner and have everything finished so we can sit down just before the game begins so I can watch while we eat.  Now I know that isn’t a “quality” dinner time with the wife, which is why I go out of my way to get home from work early so we can either go for a walk or in this instance, a bike ride so stop with the “that’s unhealthy” thoughts already. 

As I walked into the house sweaty, tired, and uncomfortable from riding the bike, I get ready to start preparing dinner.  I decided to cook out on the grill.  With all the windows open in the house, I can stand out on the deck with a large window open so that I can hear and watch the pre monday night football show on ESPN while I cook.  It’s a Win Win.  I cook dinner and get to watch football.  My wife exited the living room as I looked at her and begin singing the Monday Night Football theme.  As I pick up the controller I sing “Are you ready for some football!!!?!!!”  “A Monday Night Party!!!”  My wife has now completely gone out of site. 

So, I turn on the television and see that a movie is on the FX channel since the pre football show isn’t on yet, and I get a blank screen with the message “This channel is not available”.  Weird, I thought since I watch that channel all the time.  Thinking it’s a Directv issue, I decide just to put it on ESPN and wait until the program begins, so I flip it to ESPN and behold, I get the same black screen and message.  I go to the local stations to find that they are working just fine. 

This is where I began to seriously panic.  It wasn’t more than six months ago that my wife cut back on our directv package to save money.  I lost several channels that I watched on a very frequent basis and we fought over it for some time.  I gave in since saving money is in our best interest and I settled for the channels that we do still have which I will admit is a lot.  I also realized that yesterday was Columbus day leaving my wife home all day to pay the bills which means that she was looking for ways to cut more money out of the budget and I am now staring at an hour before kickoff without ESPN, thus leaving me unable to watch Monday NIght Football. 

My wife is in our bedroom. 

“Honey, did you do anything today with Directv to alter our channels in any way?”  I asked this knowing the answer, but hoping she would say “No.” 

“Maybe…why?” she asks back fearful of what is to come. 

She came out to the living room to experience what I believe has to be the most immature embarrasing act of my life.  In between me telling her to get her ass on the phone with Directv and reverse everything she had done and saying that if she didn’t she would see me re-enact violently the scene from rainmain where Dustin Hoffman had a fit over not getting to watch The Peoples Court, I might have said other immature things.  I don’t recall because at one point I had plugged my ears and began screaming while stomping on the floor in front of the television. 

My wife, being a kindergarten teacher, was albe to identify that she was right smack dab in the middle of a six year old breakdown and reatreated back to the bedroom to call Directv.  After five minutes of me slamming cupboards and pots and pans, ESPN appeared on the television screen and my rage began to settle.  Within a good five miutes my behavior had begun flashing through my brain and embarrasment began settling in. 

I think I apologized for my behavior no less than fifty times including one mid prayer before dinner directly to my wife.  If telling God that I am sorry for acting like a five year out loud in front of my wife doesn’t tell her I am truly sorry, then I don’t know what will. 

I don’t know what my issue is, but I know this little incident signifies a bigger issue.  I need help.

Filed under: Addiction, Cry baby, Rain Man, bitchy, grouchy, stupid, train wreck, weird, wife

Did he say fattie?

Last Friday was a most interesting one as the wife and I attended the wedding and reception of a couple from our church.  Typically Friday nights are the night I twist balloons from 6-8:30pm, so this was a refreshing change of pace for me having a Friday night off.  So at the reception we were seated with other people from church including the Priest.  Knowing everyone very well, we had a blast, and actually had probably a bit too much fun because certain people put down their guard and revealed a little too much about themselves in front of us.  The highlight of the reception was walking up to the bar and seeing our church deacon with a big tray of drinks in front of him.  I asked him what he was getting and he looked down at the tray.  I proceeded to ask if he was getting the table glasses of white wine to which he replied, “these are shots”.  After 2 minutes of me calling his bull shit, he arrived back at our table with a round of shots for everyone. 

I will gladly admit that I didn’t get the shot train moving, an ordained chuch member did, but I wasn’t about to let the shot train slow down.  After a few more, the reception was winding down, I hit the jackpot when I mentioned the words “piano bar”.  Apparently the words “piano bar” make tipsy women (my wife included) want to continue drinking to the wee hours of the morning.  I had no idea.   So it was on like donkey kong.  At 11:30 our entire table (minus the priest) ditched the reception and headed down to a piano bar.  I believe our group would have likely been voted “table least likely to continue the party after the reception” if there was such a thing. 

We settled in at the piano bar and appetizers and shots started coming.  We must have crossed someone’s drunk threshold because that is when the guard was dropped.  TMI was the general theme from that point on in the evening, and I could only sit back listening to the train wrecks unfold and reminding myself to just shut up and listen as each was served up with an audible gasp that could be heard after each bomb was dropped.  The bottom fell out when after offering a couple a ride home that had way too much to drink, I was offered a “fattie blunt” as a thank you. Not quite what I had in mind going into the evening. 

Oriental women think I am a movie star.  I don’t know why, because I wasn’t even going to write it down for fear of backlash since I look in now way like a movie star.  Prior to the wedding, my wife wanted to get a manicure and a pedicure.  So I dropped her off.  When I came back to get her I went in and talked to her a few moments when I discovered that she would still be another 30 minutes. I was wearing a pretty sharp dress suit, but nothing fancy beyond that.  I left again to return a half hour later.  As we drove away, my wife told me that the women running the salon wanted to know what I do.  When she asked why, they proceeded to ask if I was a “movie star” to which she said she couldn’t stop laughing for five minutes. 

Staying on the church theme, I had one of the more unusual things happen during Mass yeaterday.  As my wife and I were standing in the back one of the ushers that we knew walked over to us and shook my hand and proceeded to make two fast kiss noises as he moved in on my wife to give her a hug as to say “I’m coming in for a kiss.”  It was the most inappropriate move ever played in a church and had we been outside of the church I would have followed it up with a verbal barrage of “what the hell was that” directly to the kisser.  I am not normally a direct conflict type of guy, but he was way out of line since he left my wife feeling very uncomfortable.  To prevent burning any bridges, I am going to forget that it ever happened unless I am witness to a second occurence in which I am sure God will forgive me for threatening him bodily harm if he ever attempts to lay his lips on my wife again.   As a sidenote, my wife is free to let whatever guy friends she has to kiss her on the cheek.  I kiss wives and girlfriends of my close friends on the cheek.  But I would never do something so bold with a woman I know only through church.  Freak. 

After church we thought it would be a nice day to go pick pumpkins at Goeberts Farm, and I’ll have to dig into that one later since that is a long one in itself and I am out of time.

Filed under: Church, bitchy, creepy, drunk, weekend, weird, wife

Owie

Last night kicked off my softball season and I am happy to say that I played well.  Unfortunately, while trying to stretch a stand up double into a triple, I was ordered to slide and I have easily the biggest most painful patch of bloody skin that I have ever had.  I debated with myself for 2 minutes about taking a snapshot of my slide wound, but decided against it.   Click here and some of the images on this page are pretty close to what I am suffering through at this moment.  I have never had to wrap gauze around my leg to cover the wound area and prevent blood from soaking through my dress pants, but that is where I am at today. 

In another interesting weekend story, I was at my Grandparents on my father’s side when a bomb was dropped on me and my wife.  In phone conversations with my father, he had previously inquired about how life is treating me and I answered his question as I answer that question when anyone asks: “Busy”  Upon explanation as to how busy things have been, apparently my father raised judgment that he decided to share with everyone in my family except me. 

Apparently my father is spreading a rumor with all of my aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents that I am neglecting my marriage. 

While in the car on the way to the hotel, my wife and I were surprised when we shared the news that grandma had told each of us seperately that my father believes that I am neglecting her (my wife).  I didn’t think too much about it at the time, but after my wife told me that another family member told her as well, I began to get pretty angry about this stupid rumor. 

This is coming from my father.  If you know me, you have a slight idea how funny that statement is.  If you do not, let me educate you on how much of a joke this is coming from this man.

(note: I do love my father, and we currently have a great relationship after many many years of hate)

What’s funny about my father accusing me of neglect is that he is the man who:

1.  Would drive by all of my T-ball games honking and waving when I was six on his way to one of his 5 nights a week bowling leauges to maintain his membership within club alchy. 

2.  Never once, in my 11 years of playing football did he ever attend a single game.

3. Never attended a single sporting activity, or public speaking competition regardless of being selected as “All State” on two occasions.

4.  Would brag to me on the phone about the son of the woman he was living with and how they just got back from the gym working out together since that kid had just made the varsity football team as a sophomore in high school.  (Said kid is in prison as we speak)

(Wow, I think I should still see a therapist for some unresolved issues that I still have banging around my brain) 

Don’t get me wrong, but this appears to me that the armadillo is telling the turtle that he has too hard a shell.   

My wife laughed pretty hard at the thought of neglect since she is as busy if not more busier than I.  When sharing this news with my mother the following day (they have been divorced since I was six) she blew her top laughing since she saw the irony in his statements as well.   

Before any of you even think that he is sharing concern to make up for his life of regret and hoping that I don’t make the same decisions in life that he made, I say bullshit.  This is still the same man that is retired from the military for almost 10 years now, but chooses to live 1400 miles away from the rest of his family in a trailer park occupied by many illegal aliens, drawing retirement benefits/unemployment continually neglecting the needs of time spent with family even though the only thing keeping him from seeing us on a regular basis is the fact that it’s warmer in Georgia. 

Great stuff, Dad…well played.

 

Filed under: bitchy, dad, grouchy, memories, mobile home, pain, stupid, trailer, train wreck, weekend, weird, wife

Back Biting Balloon Bitch

For not having watched but 5 minutes of college basketball this year, I have shown little discipline in restraining from entering every single NCAA March Madness pool that has been extended my way.  Bracket invitations to me are like crack rock to a dealer.  I don’t know shit, but I’ll play!  I was rather disappointed at the lack of content online by the “professionals” in regards to their picks, so this year I fear making a total fool of myself in front of friends about my lack of knowledge in regards to college basketball.  After my 8th bracket this morning, I decided that either I know too many people, or all of the people that I do know are gamblers.  I think it might also be that the word ’No’ rarely finds itself in my top 10 words of the day.  This may be stemming from the fact that I will be in Vegas for the second round of the tourney next week and it will be fun to have a vested interest in the games and getting my ass up during the day to hang out in the sportsbook. 

As my balloon business has grown my eyes have been opened to the entertainer world, and I have to say that it isn’t pretty in many respects.  I have been pondering as of late as to whether I am going to take the ball and run hard with it.  “Live the dream” as some say or if I am just going to kind of jog along and run the balloon business as a extra income hobby.  As I dig deeper and expand, some funny/ugly things within the industry are beginning to become visible to me.  I can’t reveal too much at this time for fear of being shunned by the balloon twisting community, but it would make for a great soap opera.  I have decided that when I end up making a run at it, that my first Balloon Twisting Mockumentary will be called “As the Balloon Twists” and I will shed some light on the funny shit that goes on between balloon twisters that live within a certain radius of each other. 

Here is just a taste of my most recent experience:

I am twisting balloons at Red Robin a few Tuesdays ago.  As I approach a table and introduce myself, I start asking what I might be able to twist for the cute little girl.  I ask her if she would like a flower, hat, or an animal of choice.  She replies back with “My dad knows how to twist balloons!” I look over at Dad and he smiles shyly and says that he, too is a balloon twister.  He pulls out a ziplock baggie in his pocket to show me that he is strapped with balloons as if he is showing me he has a gloc pistol in his pocket.  I laugh and asked about his twisting ability when it is explained that he used to twist 20 years ago and had recently lost his job.  Now I don’t run into twisters often and I  have met in person all of 3 other balloon twisters in my lifetime, but someone that has fallen back to twisting because he lost his job doesn’t sound like someone I want to buddy up with. The other twisters that I have missed were all disappointments as well, so I haven’t had much success in meeting other entertainers. 

I proceed to create a couple of things for the daughter.  An alien hitchhiker hat, which always wow’s them and a monkey on a palm tree for dad.  He gives me his business card and let me know that if I ever need a fill in for an event to give him a call.  ”Sure” I said as I walked away while thinking the whole time about the homemade inkjet business card that he handed me that has poor color and a few creations on it that I can’t even identify.  Someone that doesn’t even invest enough money to buy professional business cards is hardly someone that I would rely on. 

Fast forward to 4 days later.  I am emailing back and forth with another balloon twister in my neck of the woods that fills in for me when I am double booked or traveling.  I have never met her before, but in passing I tell her about some guy that came in to Red Robin.  I couldn’t remember his name.  She told me that he has been contacting her as well via email.  She confided in me that he analyzed every single thing that I had done and proceeded to send me emails where he said a bunch of negative things about me and a few compliments.  The compliments were right on, but everything negative he said were outright lies. Much of what this guy chose to share with this other twister made me out to be a retarted entertainer.  Even eluding to the fact that the manager wasn’t happy with my entertainment abilities (which is so far from the truth).  Wow.  I have a good history with this other twister and she didn’t believe anything that he had wrote which is why she forwarded all of it onto me.  I broke down his email and it was definitely good for a chuckle or two. 

I have some ammo if this guy ever crosses me again. It might be in his best interest for him to stay away from my turf or else it will be on like Donkey Kong. 

Filed under: Livin the dream, balloon, bitchy, latex, peer pressure, work

Too many children

My wife and I each went through phases.  The first phase that I was lucky enough to miss was when all of my wife’s girlfriends from childhood and college got married.  I was fortunate enough to not meet her until after all 40 of them got married.  I missed her wedding season. 

Unfortunately for her she didn’t miss mine.  Over the past two years we have attended no less than 25 weddings that I can remember.  My childhood friends, college friends, fraternity brothers, church friends, you name them, and they were getting married.  I still have a few straggler friends left that haven’t tied the knot, but it should happen in the next year or so.  My poor wife and poor us.  Weddings aren’t cheap!  

So, the wedding phase has come and gone, but now we have moved on to the next phase…baby phase.  Or Act 2 as I like to call it. (Act 3 is Funeral phase, and I hope to not talk about that for some time.) 

All of my wife’s friends are or have had babies.  There have been at last 20 children born in the past three years, some much more recently, to the friends of my wife.  People that I know, and I enjoy spending time with, but not enough to memorize or track each and every baby that they have.  This past weekend I attended a party for teachers where many of my wife’s friends were in attendance.  I was made to feel like an ass because I wasn’t able to rattle off baby names or even know who had what babies and when.  By the middle of the night I am sure I had pissed some of my wife’s friends off by having no clue about their children.  While making small talk with one of the husbands that had been dragged there as I had, I asked “Who’s staying home with the children.”  To which he responded, “We only have one, and his Grandmother is watching him.”  (His wife is pregnant with number 2) Wow, did I feel like an ass for all of 30 seconds until I realized that I didn’t give a shit.  It’s not my job to keep track of all of these baby names.  I am lucky enough to keep track of the adult names of the friends of my wife, much less of their children.  This particular comment struck a nerve because this father is someone I really like and wish we could hang out more than what we have in the past.  There is a really stupid reason why we don’t hang together in the first place, and my non thoughtful comment pretty much sealed the deal. 

If you see me at a party in the near future, looking down at my hand in mid conversation, then you will know that I have a cheat sheet (I know you wanted me to use the word crib sheet here, but I didn’t) with all of your children’s names on it, because I am too lazy to sit down and memorize each and every one of your children’s names. 

I have pulled a bunch of new photos off my camera from the past few months and I am ready to start uploading.  Look for some new stuff in the coming days, including my first attempt at uploading a new balloon creation every few days to this site. 

Filed under: Babies, balloon, bitchy, confused, stupid, weekend, wife

Word of the day

“Today’s word is legs…”  (this is one of my old favorite pickup lines)

“…so what do you say that we go back to my place and spread the word!”  (sound bad joke drum symbol here)

Actually boys and girls…todays word is Greed.  I know I shouldn’t let this have any sort of effect (affect?) (I never paid attention to how to use which during class) (today I am the king of parenthesis) on my mental being, but I can’t really help it. 

I want a Wii.  I do but I don’t.  I want one, but I am not willing to buy it from some jackass who knows exactly when the truck unloads at Walmart and has an insider that tells him when to come to pick them up.  This same jackass takes a product that is advertised at 280.00 and sells it on ebay/craigslist for 400.00 or more.  The saddest part of the Wii shortage, is that it isn’t so much a shortage as it is a problem with society today.  Greedy mofo’s.  What bothers me even more is that I could actually buy one right now from Walmart if I wanted to.  I couldn’t buy it for 280.00 bucks though…try 680 bucks.  Walmart has chosen to offer the Wii, and force you to buy options as well as 6 games. 

I am a good salesman.  I have finally sold my wife on the idea that life would be so much better if we owned one.  But I am smart enough to know that it would be a waste of my breath to to ask her if she would be down with me dropping over 700.00 on a gaming system.  Will I eventually drop that coin on the system?  Sure.  But I can’t validate spending more than 100.00 over retail for a basic system, or buying the system along with 6 additional games in one swing. 

I don’t even have time to play it.  This might just be my obsessive compulsive addictive personality rearing it’s ugly head, and I can’t get it out of my brain.  It’s like I have to have one now just to beat the system. 

The word of the day is also brought to you by the Chicago Cubs.  I have been in a “virtual” waiting room for over an hour now watching a little web browser count down from 15 seconds until the next refresh while I wait to be “randomly” chosen to buy Cubs tickets.  What pisses me off about this…on top of the whole Wii thing…is that I am a fan who just wants to watch a freaking ball game.  It makes me ill that I am going to be unable to get tickets at face value for my team because scalpers are in the know and are scooping up all of the tickets that they will turn around and resell for a ridiculous profit while I type this.  (wow, run on city!) 

Lastly, my wife and I are planning on going to see a country concert this summer at soldier field.  I am a Gary Allan (I know, who cares) fan and Jeanne likes some of the other people performing as well.  Something like 8-9 mega country stars.  Anyway, I bought tickets yesterday from ticketmaster.  They aren’t on sale to the general public yet, just fan club members.  Well, I’m not a fan club member but I was able to find the fan club member password for this event through a general google search and was able to buy decent tickets.  What amazes me is that you can go online right now and find the tickets that I have going for four time the cost of what I paid.  They are selling too!  Am I dumb for not buying up 8-10 tickets and then throwing them out there and having my overpriced bought Wii sponsored by my own greedy actions?  I don’t think I can do that.  I guess that’s the type of guy that I am. 

Sorry to Rant, but today I am surrounded by many greedy bitches and I am looking down the barrel of one long balloon twisted weekend.  I have four parties all together.  A School fair for two hours tonight, two-two hour parties back to back tomorrow, and another two hour birthday party on Sunday. 

Have a safe and happy weekend!

Filed under: Birthday, Wii, balloon, bitchy, craigs list, grouchy, stupid, weekend, weird

Thank you Lake Forest

For the pot hole that cost me $235.33 today to have my car fixed.  I would think that with the number of million dollar homes within your boundaries and the fact that all of .2% of your population being below the poverty line that there would be a little money there to cover costs for pot hole repair. 

I guess all of the pot hole repairmen were busy watching a Polo match to get there prior to my incident. 

Thanks Lake Forest! 

Filed under: bitchy