Mounds of work

I sit here yawning and nodding off trying to stay focused, but no such luck.  I am still on Las Vegas time and that means that right now, I would be sleeping until oh…say 5pm Chicago time.  I am still a good 200 emails away from being caught up but can’t help but mentally take a quick break. 

For a quick laugh click here.

Vegas was interesting.  Definitely not as fun as usual.  I guess of the 10-12 times I have gone, something awesome (win money) usually happens that makes it a great trip.  That didn’t happen this time, but I guess in order to win you have to gamble and I didn’t do so much of that this trip.  This was more of a business trip since I was there to compete in the pool tournament.  That didn’t go so well for our team, but I did well individually winning some money on my own.  I came to a sad realization this past week in that I think I am a better pool player than I really am.  Before I left for Vegas, I was cashing in the champions checks already and bragging about taking the tourney crown, and boy was I wrong.  I could make several excuses as to why we didn’t do as well as I thought we would, but that would all be plain old bullshit.  We choked as a team.  There is no other way to describe it.  The other guys can talk about how the tables  were tough, but the teams that beat us were playing on the exact same tables.  Oh well.  After putting together a team of what I thought would be a slam dunk championship only to not fare so well, I doubt I go back for a while. 

On a funny note, one of the guys that traveled out to watch us compete managed to be banned from any and all Harrahs casino’s for life, even the local one in Joliet.  

I didn’t arrive until late on Tuesday evening and by the time I had gotten there, everyone in my group was already talking about how Tough Timmy had been kicked out of Bills Gambling Hall & Saloon (Old Barbary Coast) twice between Monday and Tuesday for being too drunk.  When I finally saw Tim Tuesday night he was so wasted that he hardly recognized me.  He had already been kicked out of 4 different casinos/bars on Monday and when he found me he introduced me to his “new wife” who was a drunk hooker covered in no less than 30 tattoos.    Within 30 minutes of seeing Tim and his new found hooker, Harrahs police were all over him and her and eventually removed them from the casino because they couldn’t verify her age.  Her name was “Trinity” to us, but she said her real name to the police was “Nikita”.  Long story short, they ended up in a room together for 3 days and we didn’t see Tough Timmy until Friday night when we finally talked him into sending this girl back home. 

Fast forward to Friday night, Tim and I are at the Pai Gow tables at Bill’s Gamblin Hall when 4 security guards approach our table and ask Tim to step away.  They take his ID and return with a group of 12 guards.  One rent a cop opens a little handheld binder and begins to read him some sort of Las Vegas Gaming Miranda Rights.  What I heard was “By the order of the Nevada Liquor and Gaming authority, penal code 12.5.niner we have the right to escort you from the premises…blah, blah, blah….”  As he began to read this, another security guy realized that it was drawing everyone in the casino’s attention and told the other to stop until they get outside.  But before they did, they pulled out a casino camera, and took his photo for the Harrah’s black list directory.  Once outside they explained that he is never to enter into a Harrah’s casino without being arrested for trespassing.  The funnier thing was that he was actually staying in a Harrahs Casino and had to go back in just to get his shit before the flight out Saturday morning. 

There are many things in life that i would like to do before kicking the bucket, and being black listed from a Vegas Casino chain definitely isn’t one of them. 

Back to work.  There are several other funny things that took place out there, so more stories will follow. 

Filed under: billiard, fight, stupid, train wreck, weekend, weird, wife, work

Arrivederci!!!

I am licking my wounds today, but I made it through yesterday.  My back is achy after driving for 6 1/2 hours on my quest around the Chicagoland area.  The good news is that the Cubs won.  Sitting in the freezing cold was tough, but worth it. 

If you didn’t know this already, consider yourself warned.  Do not ever order ball park nachos with double the jalapeno peppers the night before you have to fly.  I don’t think I need to explain the reasoning here, but it does have something to do with a certain Johnny Cash song titled with the words ‘ring’ and ‘fire’ in it.  If I didn’t know better, I would believe that maybe Mr. Cash went to a ball game and had double peppers on his Nacho’s the night before he wrote that song. 

I know way back in the past I talked about all of the oriental trading crap that my vendors give me in conjunction with marketing material.  99% of what is given to me goes into a box that will eventually be picked through by nieces/nephews/god children.  Not yesterday or today, though. Yesterday a vendor walked by and gave me a bottle of wine with their logo on it.  I am beginning to debate how long before I pop open the bottle and secretly swig away here at my desk.   I have been given beer as well, but that does me no good at my desk because at no point would I ever resort to drinking warm beer. 

I didn’t think that a bottle of booze could be topped.  I was wrong.

Today one of my vendors walked around and gave every single rep on my floor a Flarp. 

 

For those of you who have been the lucky enough to come into contact with one of these, you know why I am celebrating this day.  Right now at this moment, you have roughly 200 people making random farting noises on my floor.  A different vendor brought in lunch today, and I have twice had to take a moment to remind myself that it is not really gas being passed. 

The good in all of this is that moving forward I no longer need to fear passing gas in the workplace.  I could literally walk outside of my Directors office and tear ass like never before and no one would be the wiser. 

This afternoon I board a plane and head to Las Vegas for the US National Billiard Championships.  Guess what’s goin with me!!???  FLARP!!! 

I think that this fun item could serve me well in Vegas.  It’s small enough to be a card protector while playing poker.  Small enough to pass the 3 ounce liquid rule with airport security. 

Well…that didn’t take long.  8 minutes into the floor having Flarps, an email from upper management told us to put it away and get back to work.  It was fun while it lasted…

I am sure there will be some interesting stories to share upon my return. 

Filed under: Cubs, billiard, fart, weird, work

Going to Vegas…again…

Am I the only one that feels very weird when buying airline tickets?  I guess as I get older I have a harder time flying without my wife.  I watched this clip at least 20 times over the last month and it has brought back the fear that I felt in my abdullah oblonghatta each time I had a rocky landing.

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=3a8_1204670394 

Twice I have had the pleasure of being on an airplane that tried to land only to feel the force of engines go to top speed as we decide that maybe landing isn’t a good idea.   

I don’t know why I struggle with it.   There’s just something creepy about buying a ticket and all the while getting the option of choosing where I sit.  Don’t get me wrong, I do like to sit by the window and having the choice by booking early to get dibs on hot seats.  But as I look at the airplane seating diagram I begin to run through scenarios as to why I might want to sit in an aisle seat or why being in the back of the plane would be better since I would be the squasher and not the squashee in the even of an impact landing, or the tail section breaking off like in Lost.  Am I the only one that considers these things when picking what airline seat I am going to choose?

This seating dillema has been brought to you by the fine folks from Peer Pressure Inc.  I am going to be heading out to Las Vegas in 19 days, but now I will be going back in another 68 days and I really didn’t want to go.  My billiards team has qualified for the US National Championships and if I don’t go, then the whole team can’t go since they require a certain number of players on the team to compete.  Not only would my team be screwed out of the competition, but members of other teams that are going would be screwed as well since we are forming one super team.  So, I have not only the weight of my team mates, but also that of people that I don’t even really care about pushing me into flying my ass out there so that we can compete.  The scariest thing about all of this is that this new trip will seriously zap my vacation time and I might not be able to do the “5 year anniversary vacation” with my wife that we have been talking about for the past two years.  I could be in some deep doodoo.  Oh well.  It’s a free trip to Vegas.  How bad can it be? We just might possibly have the high calibur shooters going to win the National Championship. 

Filed under: billiard, confused, peer pressure, stupid, wife, work

Happy Valentines Day

(I will explain the dress photo below.  Photo was downloaded from Mark Byrne’s website www.balloonguy.net and dress created by Rie Hosokai www.daisyballoon.com)

Yep, it’s Valentines day.  What am I gonna do for my baby tonight?  Nothing.  I have my billiards league.  Sweet, right?  No?  I know that already. I covered my bases. 

I sent her flowers today…at least I think I did.  I seriously ordered them two months ago because apparently if you order in December, you get December rose prices, which I have learned is the slowest month for rose orders which means they drop their prices.  So, I am hoping that my order didn’t get lost in the shuffle and that everything gets delivered.  I know it’s sad really.  I have hit an age where I monitor the price of flowers throughout the year so that I can save some money.  If you have ever used Farecast.com, I recommend it.  I have been watching the fares for airline tickets go up and down for the past two months.  I started using it for my flight to Vegas, and the site actually helped me save 40 bucks on airfare by notifying me when the prices dropped for my flight.  What they need to do is create something like this for flowers. 

My other concern is that my wife teaches at two different schools.  It’s quite possible that they do not deliver until this afternoon which would suck because they are scheduled to be delivered at the school she leaves at twelve thirty, so she may get flowers sent to her and she will not know.  Since they don’t have school tomorrow or Monday, the flowers might sit in the school office until Tuesday and be all wilted before she even lays eyes on them.  That would be my luck.  The wifey is planning something special for me tomorrow after work, so we shall see. 

I think I have hit the wall for the first time with this site.  For the first time, something I wrote long ago has come back and bit me in the ass.  I was told from someone that I care about deeply that they were on the receiving end of a tongue lashing due to something I carelessly wrote.  I essentially put a friend in the doghouse.  I went back and found what he was referencing and I was 1. shocked that I would carelessly write about the subject.  2. upset because what I had written didn’t seem to me to be a big deal, but became clear that what I wrote could have easily been hurtful to the person that stumbled upon it. 

So, I did something I never thought I would do, and removed it from my site.  I also combed through several other posts just to make sure that nothing else I wrote about this friend was incriminating in any way. 

It’s one thing for me to put myself out in the open, but an entirely different thing for me to drag friends under the wheels of the bus with me.  Lesson learned.  

I am kicking around ideas about harnessing the power of this whole blog thing for the power of good.  I have a favorite site that I just can’t get enough of:  http://bentobjects.blogspot.com/

I love that Terry creates things that originate in his mind and shares them with the world.  He has a brilliant mind and shows it through his wire sculptures.  He, along with other artists in my industry have inspired me to do something similar with my balloon twisting abilities.  I don’t know if any of you have seen that email flying around with pictues of the balloon dresses and balloon costumes, and I am not about to begin my thoughts about that email, I will save that for tomorrow, but I am ready to go big with balloons and this site just might be the place to make that happen. 

I would like to have my own amazing website created, but right now the funds aren’t there even thought it essentially is a business expense.   I have something major working that involves a major impact on my balloon business and if it goes through and I am hired, then I may be able to use those funds to have something designed.  In the meantime, I am going to attempt to start posting a new twisted creation daily, if not more often.  Hopefully get a following of people who stop by for the creation and comment about it, leave challenges and ideas.  It doesn’t hurt to dream big! 

Have a happy valentines day!

Filed under: Blog, balloon, billiard, friend, romance, wife, work

I have a friend

 

Happy Friday y’all!  I am feeling a little better today but I still have a rough cough and pulled muscles in my back from the power sneezes that seem to pull a new muscle each time it happens. 

I received a pretty fun call yesterday and would like to share. 

I have a friend that I play on a Thursday night pool league with.  I met him while playing pool a few years ago, and our friendship doesn’t go too far beyond the pool league even though we are neighbors.  He 14 years my elder and just recently married a year ago.  They didn’t wait long in their pursuit for children because at the age of 45 you have to decide if it’s going to happen or not.  There is no more waiting around.  So, he and his wife (who is 37) wasted no time in having children.  Their due date came and went two weeks ago and the doctors kept telling them that they would induce on the 20th of September (4 weeks late). They finally mustered up the courage to force the doctors to induce earlier once the news had come in that the baby was extremely large (11 lbs) and had a head the size of a turkey (10 inches diameter.)  I don’t know what all that means, but they decided that due to the size of the child they were going to do a C section.  Can’t say I blame them.  Just the thought of pushing something that is 10 or 11 inches in diameter out of a hole that is meant for maybe something 2 to 3 inches in diameter makes me squeamish. 

So, he called me yesterday saying they were going to induce and do a C section.  My first thoughts were to congratulate him.  He went on to explain that there was a slight chance that he still might make it to pool last night…

What? 

I asked the question…”You think you are going to have a baby in the morning and still make it to pool that evening?” 

He proceeded to say that his wife thought that he still might be able to make it to pool.  I started laughing hysterically and explained that it might be in his better judgement to pass up Pool last night and enjoy the day his first born has come into the world.  I appreciate his dedication but I forsaw a lifetime of her being pissed off about him leaving her in the hospital having had her stomach cut opened to remove their child so that he could drink beer and play pool.  I wish I had that kind of courage.

On a winning note, we played the first place team and we kicked their ass last night.  We were in second so we should vault into first place.  Mucho Dinero is on the line. 

Busy weekend ahead.  It is week one in the NFL and I will sadly say that I might only catch the late Sunday night game and Monday night as well. Due to the pool league, I didn’t get to see a moment of Indy’s domination over NO.   If you don’t know anything about me, know that if I don’t get football on a Sunday, I get a little on the cranky side.  I have even caught myself wimpering and moaning when I am alone while I try and pull stats and scores off my cellphone. 

On Saturday we are heading down to see my family and look at a bunch of wood crafty things in tents like we do each year for the Marigold festival. 

Sunday I am twisting the day away (www.misterd.balloonhq.com) for a charity that I haven’t been too involved with but they have an amazing passion for helping others.  It is called Helping from Heaven, The Lexi Kazian Foundation. Here is their site:  www.helpingfromheaven.org

Lexi’s story is traumatic and the work that the parents are doing in Lexi’s name is wonderful.  They are having her 3rd annual birthday bash on September 9th from 2-6 pm at the Independence Grove Forest Preserve in Libertyville, IL.  I will be balloon twisting from 3-6 which pretty much has me missing the Bears game.  I am going to attempt to Tivo it and plug my ears until I get in front of the tele. 

Have a great weekend. 

Filed under: balloon, billiard, body, confused, excuse, friend, pain, stupid

Happy I don’t feel so good Friday!

Today, I feel like I have had the poop beaten out of me by…well…anyone who could beat the poop out of me which would probably be a lot of people.  Last night I had my 3rd softball game in 4 nights and I am beginning to understand why professional baseball players ache.  The Cubbies are in the midst of a 20 day stretch and playing 3 of the last 4 nights has instilled a new found appreciation for what they do since today I am walking like a 97 year old rickety grandma. 

Have you ever seen the movie Miracle about the 1980 US Olympic team beating Russia for the Gold during the Olympics? We last night the St. Edna Men’s Softball team achieved something just as Miraculous.  We entered the playoffs in the 8th and final spot and we managed to destroy the number one seed 13-2.  I pitched my best game of the season for the team and I can’t recall us having a single error in the field.  If I were to guess, they may have only gotten 8 hits in 7 innings.  We were unstoppable.  We might possibly be the Cardinals of last year, who barely made it into the playoffs and clicked at the right time to win it all.

So the good news is that we have qualified for the final four tournament this weekend.  We will play two games.  If we win the first we will be in the championship, we lose we play for 3rd and 4th. 

The bad news is that with this being my first year in the church league, I never knew that these things spilled over into the weekend and I have balloon parties scheduled for Saturday that I am now having to cancel the day before.  Talk about shittttty.  With a capital S.  I have never had to cancel events the day before.  I am sure everyone will be cool with it since I am offering a free 1 1/2 hour party in the future.  What a tough spot to be in.  The saddest part of it all was that I honestly had no concern because I thougth we had no chance to win.  My mistake. 

My Pool league playoffs were last night as well, and we finished 3rd as a team in our first league at this new location.  I finished as the 2nd best shooter amongst 80 players in the league, so I can be happy with that.  I will aim for number one next session now that I have the tables down. 

It was unpleasant rushing from softball to the pool league without taking a shower and sweating profusely but I managed to pull a trick from my old redneck days and drove for a few minutes on the back roads with the windows down and no shirt on.  I did bring a change of clothes for the pool league, but it was probably my most redneck moment in my life since I left my hometown of Pekin at the young age of 17.  In Pekin you see people driving with no shirt on daily, so it’s not a rare occurence.  I have to say that it felt nice.  If you haven’t done it before, I highly recommend it.  Just don’t do it while you sit in bumper to bumper traffic.  It is much better to be discreet and do it on the back country roads in my neck of the woods. 

I think the wifey and I are going to the Lake County Fair tonight.  I expect to see lots of hillbilly’s there.  It should be a pretty crazy weekend full of softball, balloons (sunday parties), having the wife’s family over on Sunday for lunch,  and all the fun that comes with a county fair.  If anything exciting goes down I will update.  If not, have an awesome weekend!

Filed under: Church, In laws, achy, balloon, billiard, body, pain, poop, scared, sleepy, smelly, stink, train wreck, weird, wife, work

Lookielookieiplayedhookie

 

So, Friday I took an unplanned day off.  I wasn’t feeling the greatest Friday morning after my pool night on Thursday so I decided to call in sick.  It was very weird, but everybody and their mother was buying me beer on Thursday night.  I am relatively new to this Pool Hall, but Thursday was the final week of my first session in this super competitive league.  I was in a heated battle for the #1 shooter for the session and I have arguably proven myself in 4 months to be one of the top shooters.  When I first arrived, everyone wanted money matches and now I am never offered a game. 

So, on Friday I decided to not only allow the alcohol to work out of my system, but also make amens with Jeanne for shooting pool the evening of our anniversary.  So, I took her to Lake Geneva for an early dinner and we did some shopping.  How sad is it that I spent over two hours in two stores.  A toy store and a kitchen store.  Those are two of my favorite things.  It was a great day, with the finale being blankets on the lake watching the sunset.  I always thought it would suck living near Wisconsin, but I do love Lake Geneva.  We are only 35 minutes away and it is worth the trip. 

The rest of the weekend went by in a blur.  We did dinner with some friends on Saturday night at their house in Gurnee.  It was kind of celebratory since we have been asked to be the God Parents of their 3rd born boy, Luccio.  He is beyond a doubt the happiest infant I have ever had the pleasure of holding.  This is my first god child and I am pretty excited.  I love going to my friend Mikes house, because now that his other two children are getting older (4 and 3 respectively) the toys are becoming more intense.  Last week they had a large trampoline put up in their back yard.  I have never been on a trampoline before so believe me when I say that I took Domanick up on getting on the trampoline with him.  All I could think about was Chris Farley singing “Fat Guy on a Trampoline” as I bounced up and down.  At one point I made little Olivia cry because I made her bounce too high.  Nice.  Fat guy jumps little children fly too high.  I had to get off the trampoline to get her to stop crying.  I spent the next 15 minutes doing anything I could to regain favor with her.  I was reinvited by the children back on and was safe to not get out of control.  Thank goodness that they have made these things enclosed now by 10ft netting.  I would have bounced off several times if not for that.  I enjoyed it way to much and have scabs on both of my knees today to prove it.  There should be a sign that warns carpet burn from the material if you slide around on your knees too much, because I am suffering.  The evening highlight came when I was asked to read bedtime stories to the children.  I don’t remember the last time I read a bed time story, so that was a great moment.   I went to town and learned how to catch a big bear and how Barney formed a band.  Good stuff. 

I twisted for a birthday party on Saturday (www.misterd.balloonhq.com) as well and it was the first birthday party that I ever had to compete with ponies.  They hired a company that brought two little ponies for the kids to ride on.  It was surreal.  I was inside the open garage (the garage was open by overhead doors on both sides) on one side and ponies on the other.  I am happy to say that I dominated the kids attention.  Donkies ain’t got nothing on me. 

The one pain point that occupied the most attention this weekend from me was the damn computer.  I would like to blame Jeanne, but am afraid to because I know she doesn’t use the home PC as much.  But, we have a virus.  It’s not just a virus, it’s the mother of all viruses.  I think it is actually classified as spy ware.  Anyway, this thing has taken hostage of my PC and turned it into their slave bitch.  I spent probably 15 hours on it this weekend with no success.  It’s called Brave Sentry and I thought I had it beat at one point, only to be saddened when it popped back up when I restarted.  Apparently this thing slows your PC to a crawl, shoots error messages saying that your PC is infected with Spyware and the only way to remove it is to allow Brave Sentry to scan your PC and buy it so that it will remove the program.  What you are actually doing is paying the bastards who infected your PC.  What a scam.  So, I have some Norton AV disks given to me from Symantec a few months ago, and I can’t even get a disc to run in the computer, it is so messed up.  It has disabled my task manager and tells me the admistrator has removed the rights, Mozilla or Internet Explorer no longer work, and the image has been completely rewritten.  I believe that this could be the end of my home computer.  I don’t have much time to fiddle with it.  Maybe this weekend I will have time since Jeanne will be up in Wisconsin visiting with friends.  I was at one point ready to throw the damn thing out the window and do a “Office Space” re-enactment.  I have the Office Space Sountrack and I could only imagine how funny it would be to see me in our development outside in the yard beating the crap out of my computer.  I have spent a chunk of my morning researching my next plan of attack on this issue.  I have printed off instructions and will be very prepared to defeat this damn thing. 

Back to work. 

Filed under: balloon, beer, billiard, pain, sore, weird, wife

You are the last dragon…

 

 Can I just say that the movie “The Last Dragon” is one of the greatest movies of all time.  I haven’t seen it in like 10 years, but I keep thinking back at that movie and I recognize something amazing in someone.  For those of you who have seen it, you will remeber “The Glow”. 

 

 (spoiler alrert!  the picture gives away the ending)  For those who have not, the entire movieline is based on a young martial artist who is trying to achieve “The Glow” or become a Master martial arts person.   Once he has mastered all there is, he could take on a “Bruce Lee like Glow”.  Or something like that.  So anyway, lately when I see someone who has truly mastered whatever it is that they are doing, I recognize that “Glow”.  It’s kind of weird.  I wonder when I glow.  Is it when I twist balloons?  When I am playing pool extraordinarily well?  When I exhibit love for my wife? 

When do you “Glow”?  That is a question that I think we should all ask ourselves.  Believe it or not, I think we all have something that we glow about without realizing it.  Sorry for the cheesyness but I can’t seem to get those thoughts out of my mind lately.

I have a sore tooth.  I have to chew out of the right side of my mouth.  I just know the tooth is going to completely crack while I am in Key West. 

Speaking about things I have not gotten done before the trip, I have a mole on my back that I planned on having removed.  It is too late now because it will not have time to heal before this Tuesday.  I tell Jeanne that it has become a part of me, and that it is not that bad.  Her response was one that I will never forget.  She told me a story about one time that I fell asleep on my stomach and my cat Mr. Wesgrs (don’t ask) started batting at it on my back and trying to play with it because he thought it was a bug.  I couldn’t help but break out in some serious laughter because it would not surprise me if this was true.  Actually, I know it’s true because you don’t just make shit like that up. 

One more random story and I will sign off for the weekend.  This morning on the radio, Eric and Kathy were doing a segment called “and then the police showed up”.  Callers were calling in to share stories about funny situation they were caught up in where the police came.  The best story won tickets to go see the Police this upcoming Thursday at Wrigley Field.  I know I lost a firm grip on my man card by admitting that I listen to Eric and Kathy in the mornings, but I think it is better than listening to the Teeny Bopper DJ’s in the morning that play rap music and cater to the preteens.  I think I have a good mix of listening.  Eric and Kathy in the morning for the humor factor to start my day.  Mac, Jurko & Harry on the way home for my Sports news info.  I trump the gayness of my mornings with the hardcore sports talk in the evening.  Or something like that. 

Anyway, this mornings segment reminded me of a hillarious story that I wanted to call in and share, but by the time it hit me, the bit was almost over.  When I was slinging Yellow Page advertising around I would spend my entire day in the car.  I would average around 100 miles a day in windshied time and because my territory wasn’t near my home (45-60 minute drive).  Sometimes there would be a two hour break inbetween appointments, so I became a car nap connoisseur.  There was nothing quite like blasting the AC on a hot summer day, tilting back the seat and dozing off.  I would typically listen to Kevin Matthews because I was as addicted to him on the radio as I have ever been to anyone until he left me for some radio station in Michigan.  On a side note, I can not count the number of times I would be woken up by someone knocking on my window asking me if I was “OK”.  I hated when this would happen, because it would usually interrupt a great nap.  I had several people say that they thought I died while the car was running.  Funny stuff.   So, on this particular day I had a gap between appointments and looked for the nearest large parking lot.  I found one that was down a grass hill from a building and pulled in.  I found a corner spot (better positioning so that cars can only park on one side of you to lessen the number of people that could potentially think you have died) and on this one day, I didn’t recline the seat back far at all.  I had my sunglasses on and proceeded to doze off.  I heard a knock on my window and looked up and it was a police officer looking in my car.  I immediately looked around and saw that my car had been blocked in my two squad cars to prevent any sort of escape.  I had 4 officers walking around my car staring in my windows and it was probably the worst awakening I have to date experienced in my life.  I rolled the window down and one of the officers asked me what I was doing there.  I proceeded to explain the “nap” thing and that my next appointment was at a location less than a block away.  They asked for my drivers license, insurance, and a “business card” to confirm my story.  It was at that moment that I looked up to see what building I was parked near, and it was a bank in Wheaton.  It all became clear to me what was going on at that moment.  I thought that the bank may have just been held up, but why would a robber go back to their car and take a nap?  The Narcoleptic bandit?  I don’t think so.  The police called my office to confirm I was an employee and they called the business that I had an appointment with to confirm that aspect of the story as well.  It all checked out.  After I was cleared, they explained to me that the bank that I was parked near had been knocked over 2 times in the last month by “The Wheaton Bandit”.  I apparently fit the description of what he might have looked like, so they thought I was scoping out my next heist.  Funny Shit.  I was told by the officers to never park in a Wheaton Bank parking lot again while I kill time becuase apparently the people in the bank were getting prepared for me to come in and rob them.  I wonder what they were doing.  I often wonder what types of steps they took after about 15 minutes when they saw that I was sitting there watching the bank, which I wasn’t, but I had sunglasses on, so they didn’t know I was dozing off.  That was definitely the most unusual situation I have ever been in involving the police, and I can easily say that not only did I not pull off in a bank parking lot to take a nap ever again, but I stayed the hell away from Wheaton, Illinois.  It is defintely a “no Illinois nap town”. 

Have a great pre Fourth of July weekend.  I am amidst a week of drunkeness.  Tue, Thur, Fri, and Sat are all days this week that have and will include drinking, so it is a good week.  I will catch up with you on Monday unless something nutty happens this weekend that prompts me to jump on. 

Filed under: Cats, Cops, Schief, The Glow, beer, billiard, confused, fun, grouchy, romance, train wreck, weird, wife, wikipedia

It’s Friday!

So, lately I have been finding myself really looking forward to Friday’s.  But not for the typical reasons.  Most look forward to Friday because it is the eve of the weekend.  The day before you get to do whatever you want without the wicked big brother watching down on you.  Not for me though…I have been looking forward to Fridays for the weekly appearance of the “Hey it’s Friday!” guy. 

I don’t know why the weekly emergence of the Friday guy makes me so happy.  I think it stems from this being one of the quirks of working in a corporate environment.  One of my favorite shows is the office because it hits the funny aspects of corporate america life.  I can relate to the debauchery and ridiculousness of the show becuase it is my every work day. 

So, every Friday there is this guy who begins every conversation with everyone he encounters with “Hey! It’s Friday!”  This is the same person that will start on Wednesday asking you what your plans are for the weekend.  He asks, but doesn’t really care.  I figured this out the third time he asked me multiple times on Wed, Thurs, and Friday about what I was doing that weekend after I told him already.  So, when this happens  now, I will change up my story to see if it messes with him mentally. 

Lately, I have been trying to beat him to the punch just to F with him.  Any time someone comes around and I know it is someone who has not been greeted by Friday Guy, I will chime in quickly “It’s Friday…what ya got planned for the weekend?”  I steal his thunder.  I don’t know if he has caught on that I am screwing with him or not.  I don’t really care.

I laugh because even on the phone with his clients I will over hear him starting conversations with  ”It’s Friday…” 

Funny story from last night.  Every Thursday I play 8-ball in an 8-ball league.  The location is close to where I live in the far northwestern suburbs of Chicago.  We are lucky in that the smoking witch hunt has not traveled so far yet, and smoking indoors is still allowed up where we are.  Anyway, last night while I was warming up for my matches, I overheard a funny voice.  I recognized this funny sounding voice from one of my favorite television shows, My name is earl.  There is this guy who has some sort of voice cancer and has to put a little voicebox to his throat in able for anyone to hear his robot sounding voice.  Anyway, as I was shooting last night I overheard this robot sounding voice.  So, I looked over and saw this little old lady toking on a cigarette and talking.  She had this device pressed against her throat so that it could broadcast the sounds that her throat was making.  It was the first time I had ever seen a voice box in action and I have to say that I busted a nut laughing every time I heard the robotic voice.  I felt bad for the lady, but to see her there visibly (& audibly) suffering from what has to be some sort of throat cancer caused by a lifetime of smoking 2-3 packs of smokes a day still tokin on a cigarette was down right comical.  I might add distracting to comical.  You try sinking a full table length shot on a 8-ball to win a game with Mrs. Roboto vibrating in your ear.  I don’t recommend it.  I am also angry now because I have wasted a small chunk of my life trying to find out what the hell that device is called that makes you sound like a robot.  Is it wrong for me to want one even if I don’t suffer from the ailment?  I don’t think so.  If anyone knows what the hell that little device is called, let me know. 

Filed under: Friday guy, billiard, confused, coworker, friend, fun, funny, grouchy, mean, weird, work

Mix Master Stink

So the good news is I was able to make it through the day yesterday without having to leave the office prematurely.  That is good news!  Even better news is that the stink offender has chosen not to wear the new scent in today, so I am wondering if it was a one time occurence, or will it make a cameo appearance every other week or so. My brain is thankful today that it does not have work as hard to overpower angry thoughts to actually try and accomplish something related to work.  But now this mystery smell has me contemplating if I was on to something with the girlfriend idea or if it might have been something else.  This is kind of messing with my mind now because I don’t know what is worst.  The stench or not knowing why it was worn. 

I could just cut to the chase and end this all right now by turning to the perp and asking him straight up, “Why did you smell like a French whore yesterday?”  But what fun is that? 

I would much rather wonder as to the reason, and maybe even create a self gambling pool with odds and everything.  Kinda like the show Lost and the smoke monster.  You wanna know what it is, but you don’t.  You gotta know, but it would ruin it.  You see, creativity in my mind is much more fun than reality.  I will blame this on the bad meat long ago from that Army Base I was born on in Germany.  Maybe the first sign of Mad Cow?  

Off the subject, I have become known amongst my closer friends as Mad Cow.  This is becoming a nickname amongst my pool hall buddies and I don’t know what to think about that.  Of all the nicknames you can have in a pool hall, I don’t know if Mad Cow is the one I would have chosen.  I envision actually making it onto ESPN some day to play in a championship for a pool tournament and being introduced as Dennis “The Mad Cow” Scott.  If you didn’t know this, I am a pretty big pool player.  That will be a later story. 

Back to the unsolved mystery…

I think that more than likely the smell was left over from a passionate evening with some lady friend who bought him a bottle.  So, I will put heavy odds on that.  When we meet a woman, they want to instantly tag us with whatever smell they like.  This dates back to when men and women would go around peeing on things to mark their territory.  What a world it would be if that was still a common practice.  Maybe this woman knows how bad the smell is and has him wear it so that no other woman will come close.  What else could it be…hmmm….?

He is a pretty big car buff. He likes to detail his cars so there could have been a crazed automobile air freshener incident.  I don’t want to expand on this, but I am having some funny thoughts about this in my mind.  I would not bet heavily on this option, but like in roulette, sometimes you gotta throw a buck on zero just for the hell of it.

Maybe…there was a deviation from the usual schedule of showering in the evening, and a shower took place in the morning.  This could be his normal after shower scent?  50/50 odds on this one. 

Who knows?  But I do know that I will have fun with this one.  I can say now that I will have fun until the day comes again when the smell returns and I have to pull out the sars mask.  I will update as the events unfold…

Filed under: billiard, french, mad cow, smelly, stink, work