“Put your elbows on the table…”

Yesterday will go down in the archives of my life as possibly one of the worst ever. 

“Put your elbows on the table..” He said.  If you don’t know what that means, let me back up and work up to it.

Yesterday started off shitty to begin with.  When taking out the garbage on Monday night, I managed to hit a patch of ice and fell.  The rolling garbage can fell too.  I think I hit the ground harder because the garbage can wasn’t whimpering as loud as I was as I rolled it out to the street.  I hurt my back.  I think it might be the worst that my back has ever felt.  Either something is torn or I have punctured a lung.  I can’t be certain.  Anytime that I breath or move suddenly I wince in pain.  I would assume that if my lung was punctured, I would really know and I would have gone to the hospital, so I am leaning towards something being torn.  I will give it a few more days. 

So, getting out of bed Tuesday morning and getting dressed was a treat.  I was off to work.  Upon arrival and review of my daily outlook calendar of appointments and conference calls, it shocked me to see that I had a Urologist appointment scheduled for 2:30pm.  Joyous.  I haven’t seen one of them in a few years.  I have been having issues that I won’t describe here, but I can say that these issues were major in my life 10-12 years ago and I had to have surgery.  Now the issues have slowly crept back into my life which is setting off alarms everywhere now that my wife and I are considering having children. 

My new Urologist isn’t very nice.  The nurse asked me all of the standard fare questions as she typed them into the computer in my little room.  After a good 10 minute wait the doctor finally arrived.  He was an older Doctor wearing very eccentric pants and shoes.  Upon arrival, he introduced himself and then sat down at the computer.  He began to type and click the mouse.  I was unable to see the monitor from where I was because there was a privacy screen.  He typed and clicked for a good 7-10 minutes while I sat there in the quiet room.  No questions, no chatter…I honestly felt I was back in my high pressure close the sale days where the first person to talk would lose.  I lost.  I noticed a pamphlet next to the doctor that was covering “No-Needle, No-Scalpel, Vasectomy”.  I instantly thought about my friend Toms (www.stupidtom.com) questions regarding this “non-invasive” procedure, and saw my chance to get some answers.  Tom’s concern from what I recalled was a question about where the sperm goes.  His answer was very scientific and he discussed how the semen remains the same since that doesn’t come from where the sperm cells come from.  The sperm cells get absorbed in the body (he used some fancy term to say that it doesn’t cause any problems when absorbed since they are only cells that the body created to begin with…something like protein enzymes or something technical like that.)  But I will type word for word a potential complication as it is stated in the pamphlet:

“Sperm granuloma, a hard, sometimes painful lump about the size of a pea may form as a result of the sperm leaking from the cut vas deferens.  The lump is not dangerous and is almost always resolved by the body in time.  Scrotal support and mild pain relievers are usually all that are needed for symptoms, thought I may suggest other treament.”

“Congestion, a sense of pressure caused by sperm in the testes, epididymis, and lower vas deferens, may cause discomfort some 2 to 12 weeks after vasectomy.  Like granuloma, congestion usually resolves itself in time.”  

I won’t comment on this.  I will let the words speak to each of you in it’s own little way.  Back to me and my quiet wait.  I honestly think he was checking email.  Checking email or playing sudoku online.  Maybe even a cross word? 

We finally got down to the tests. Most of everything he said was good news.  I have to do some more testing to be sure, so more will come.  After he began explaining what was going on, he pointed at the table and said, “Put your elbows on the table” as he reached for a tube of jelly.  I can’t be certain what happened next because it is all a bit foggy, but I remember him saying something about ”not fighting it” and while throwing a box of kleenex at me to “clean myself up”.  As I drove away a little tear streamed down my cheek.  (being over dramatic) 

Ok, so there wasn’t a tear, but definitely a grimace at what I had just experienced…until…wait for it…BAM, BAM!  Within 5 minutes of having a finger shoved in and around my rectum I hit a pothole that destroyed my two right tires.  It had seriously been  5 minutes since one of the most traumatic events occured in my life until I was now unable to get off the road due to having tires shredded by a three foot long pot hole that had to have been 8-10 inches deep. 

An officer called in for a tow truck since I was actually blocking one of two lanes, and AAA wasn’t going to be able to get someone to me for a good 45 minutes to an hour.  My wife picked me up, we followed the tow truck to the auto place and the wife and I continued on to the restaurant in Algonquin where I twisted balloons and she graded papers and did school work for a good two hours. 

…yep, I would say that yesterday sucked something hard.