1. A Mystery Discount Obtainer
2. A Fake Bum Spyer
I don’t know why, but I would. Recently my brother in law had found a business for sale onlin and emailed to to me saying that I should look into it. There were a few holes in his email, and honestly it downright angered me since it showed that my brother in law knows jack shit about me. I conveyed my displeasure to my wife and she became upset with me since he was only trying to be nice. I say Bullshit!
The business he emailed to me was a shitty party place where they have built themed rooms that you can rent out for birthday parties. You book the room they provide the costumes (fireman, princess, makeup, etc) and one party person to run the party. They have like 8 rooms. Well, my brother in law thinks that just because I twist balloons, that I am inspired to run a crappy birthday party day care for a living. Not only did he think that I should buy it, but his logic was that I could entertain for the parties and my wife could run the business side of the house with her teaching/organization skills to manage the party part. WTF? I couldn’t run the organization part?
The other reason that I was offended that he sent over the business for me to buy was because it cost 100K. Once again, he obviously doesn’t know me because if he did, he would know that I don’t have 100 thousand dollars. Not only do I not have a hundred thousand dollars, I don’t have one hundred thousand of anything. I don’t even think that I have a hundred thousand pennies, much less nickels, dimes, quarters, or dollars. Him emailing me to buy a business worth 100,000 is like me emailing him the link to a Russian Bride site (http://www.chanceforlove.com/) (it’s my favorite for anyting Russian Bride) to find a nice new Russian Bride fully knowing that he is married to my sister in law saying “Here, marry one of these women.”
Wow, I am glad that I got that out of my system.
Let me get back to the two things I would drop everything for at a moments notice to do for a living granted I was given a contract for a lifetime of work.
1. Mystery Discount Obtainer is someone that a department store or shop might hire to test the security people who are in charge of catching shoplifters. Basically a mystery discount obtainer’s job is to walk around a store and steal as much shit as possible without getting caught. This person would show where the security people need help to become better at catching shoplifters. How awesome is that? I get paid to steal? The only downside would be the highs and the lows knowing that you just stole something and you have to give it back.
I think if I were to ever decide to take up stealing and get caught, I might use this line: “Congratulations on catching me! I am Dennis with your local Mystery Discount Obtainers International.” “I was hired by your corporate office to come down here and steal as much as I could and see if you would catch me.” “Way to go!” ”Here is everything I have stashed in my underpants…ooOOoops…one thing snuck to the back of my drawers…here ya go. ”Have a nice day.” “Buh-bye.”
2. A Fake Bum Spyer. I don’t know if I would enjoy this as much as the mystery discount obtainer but it would be a fascinating profession if I do say so. What you do is you get paid to observe people who beg for money on the street and then watch to see if they proceed to walk around the corner and get into their nice BMW or Lexus and drive to their family house. I think watching homeless people all day might get a little depressing, though.
If any of you come across businesses advertising the need for such individuals, please let me know.
Filed under: Cry baby, In laws, confused, grouchy, mean, stupid, wife
