…Of a gym membership! Exciting, don’t you think?
I have 77 days to lose 25lbs. Why 77 days? Because that’s when I am going to Vegas and the only way I will trick my mind into motivational mode is if I set this stupid goal. It’s not like I am going to be putting on a swimsuit or dancing around naked while I am there. It would just be nice to not look like the fat guy in my group of friends for what could be one of my last few Bachelor Parties in Vegas since slowly all of my friends are being trapped by women. Ultimately it is my goal to lose 40lbs by May, but I don’t think I can lose that many pounds by the end of March.
I was pretty confused last night when I parked at the gym. Why are there so many gym members driving around for such a long time to get the closest parking spot to the front entrance. It is cold outside, and there is parking towards the rear of the parking lot so I understand why you might want that close spot when you are buying groceries or shopping at a Walmart or Target.. Come on, people. You are preparing to exercise! Would walking an extra 70 steps be a bad thing? I kid you not. When I pulled up to the gym and went to park, I had to wait behind a line of three cars that were all waiting for someone walking to their car to pull out. When I delivered my newly signed gym membership paperwork to my car that was parked far back in the lot, two cars whipped around and slowly followed me hoping that I was parked close to the entrance and then sped off once I passed their “too far to walk” threshold. This happened all while there were dozens of spots back towards the rear of the lot. Crazy.
My quest for weight loss has been brought to you by:
My doctor. Who upon reading my weight and seeing me with my shirt off ordered me to lose 25 lbs this year. And also…
My bank rewards program. Through my bank I am able to redeem the points that we earn for using our checking card. We have a crazy amount of points and I logged in to see if I might be able to redeem these points for my airline ticket to Vegas in March. While logged in, I decided to see what other types of rewards I might want to take advantage of. There was a category called “experiental rewards”. Having never heard the word “experiental” I decided to check it out thinking that they would be far off asian items, like a bamboo umbrella or a couple of pound signs painted on a picture. To my amazement, “experiental” derives from the word “experience” and not “oriental”. My immediate thought after figuring that out is that you get to “experience” something “oriental”, but that is not the case either. Apparently an “experiental” reward is one where you get a unique expeience. Like a colonoscopy by Michael Jackson. Or watch porn with Pee Wee Herman. Or you can be boring and go for a three lap ride in a Nascar or a tandem sky dive. The cool thing about the boring options is that I have enough points that my wife and I can both do those together if we choose. As I started reading further it dawned on me that even though we have the points, we actually can not do them together because I am too fat. (I am really not that fat, but just a big fella that could lose 25 lbs.) Apparently Nascar rides and parachutes don’t come in size fat because both options require the participant to be under the 220 pound threshold. Which current Dennis is not. Post Vegas Dennis will be, however. And also…
My trip to the old Marshal Fields (Macy’s) on State Street in Chicago this past weekend. It is my opinion that Ralph Lauren hates fat people. The problem with this is that I love Ralph Lauren. Not as much as some of the fellas that worked there if you know what i’m sayin….but I like the Ralph Lauren clothing line alot. In all of my fat glory, I have moved from XL to XXL for sweaters and that greatly decreases my clothing options. I felt good leaving that section due to the attention I received from the boys selling the clothing (seriously, though…if I were gay male, Macy’s on State would be ground zero for my search for a life partner. Not saying there is anything wrong with it, but at one point I had to leave the changing room because of the two guys together in the room next to me and their comments to each other while they were doing a private fashion show.) but it still did nothing for me knowing that I have outfatted my favorite clothing line. My wife left the department as frustrated as I was but not for the same reason. She was upset because the guys wouldn’t pay any attention to her and only would focus on me.
More to come in regards to the gym joining process. If I had to describe the pain level in dealing with a gym membership salesperson I would put it at a higher pain point than the root canal I went through a few months ago. Seriously. I will explain why later when I have more time.
Happy Thursday!
Filed under: Exercise, Fatty, Gay, bachelor party, body, muscles, pain, stupid, wife
