3 quick stories/thoughts for this morning.
Last night, as I was twisting balloons at the Red Robin in Algonquin, Illinois, I heard the weirdest thing out of the mouth of a child. I was twisting for a mother and her two daughters…balloon hats were requested from both of the girls. As I started to twist one girl out of nowhere asked her mother if “she remembered when daddy used to duct tape her to the tree.” The girl asked it while remembering fondly of the days of being duct taped. I pretended to not be paying attention but looked over at the mother as she did her best “shut up before I bitch slap you” look to the daughter as the daughter asked again, but this time noticing the look and getting quieter as the words exited her mouth.
I pretended to not hear anything. I didn’t want to have “daddy” waiting outside of the restaurant for me to rid of anyone who knows anything. I guess I don’t have to type much more in my explanation of how creepy it was hearing a little girl say that.
I came across a seperately downright perverted table last night of two couples with their three young children. As I was twisting, two girls that must have been 19 or 20 walked up to me as I twisted and ask if they could have balloons. On this night it was particularly busy and I had many tables done eating but waiting for me to visit. I apologized to the girls and said I was too busy and that they need to come back next tuesday. Apparently my ability to turn away two young lookers impressed the table I was at and they went to town with dirty wisecracks. I remember them saying something about how they never knew that balloon twisters had groupies…and how they would have had no difficulty explaining to their little chidlren why the balloon twister disappeared in the middle of making them balloon animals…and how the husbands now want to learn how to twist…crap like that. I don’t think I had ever blushed so much in my life. Good stuff.
This morning I woke up to shreaks coming from downstairs. I jumped up and ran down to find out what was going on to see my wife standing their yelling about a spider. This wasn’t just an ordinary spider. This was a spider that was big enough to have hair. It was chilling on the door as if to say “go ahead lady, try and get bye…I dare ya…” I looked around for shoes, and upon revisiting the size of the spider, I realized that he might block the shoe strike and rip the shoe from my hand and start being Jeanne and I with said shoe. So, I went to the laundry room where we have an admirable stash of RAID and grabbed what appeared to be the strongest stuff. I started spraying the spider and I can’t confirm this, but I think I heard the faintest laugh at my attempt to kill him with a bug spray. It did piss him off, however. He jumped off the door and scurried to his hideout which now revealed a nest filled with baby tarantulas that were moving around. I saw like 8 or 9 mini spiders in the web where the monster had gone to and I doused it with the spray with no success. After using like half a can of bug spray, I finally took a monster handfull of paper towels and just wiped everything up, including the babies. I had to get out the cat carrier to capture the spider. (not really, but a seperate bunch of paper towels was needed for the spider.) They all now live in the sewers.
My morning commute was also put to the test when my commute partner (the car immediately behind mine) turned out to be what must have been a 400lbs lady. Typically a commute partner is only a temporary thing, but when it takes 40 minutes to travel 7 miles, you are forced to look at an individual in the rear view mirror a lot. I will say that I am not a thin individual. I definitely could stand to lose a good forty to fifty lbs. I am not one to judge. Hey, you know what? I love food. You love food? I love food. I believe I was put on this earth to enjoy the many fruits that it provides. I don’t know what she was eating in her car but it got to the point in my boredom that I started to count the number of items she put in her mouth per minute. I counted at her highest 15 per minutes, but she was averaging around 10-12. For some reason she would scrutinize each one by looking at it prior to popping it in. Maybe they were flintstone vitamins and she wanted to know which character she was ready to gobble down. Or, maybe they were animal crackers and she felt as if she was dominating that particular species of animal. But the weird thing was throughout our one hour joy ride together she didn’t exhibit one facial expression. Weird.
Filed under: Car, balloon, body, confused, stupid, weird, work
